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Chapter 4
"Is that a suggestion or an order, Headmaster?" The tremor in his voice disgusted Sirius.
Dumbledore sighed. "You have a responsibility to the school team, Sirius. A responsibility that you're currently unable to…"
"Look, if that's about the match…" Sirius cut him off vehemently.
"It is the second time that you forgot about a match, Sirius," Dumbledore said sternly. "All that I'm suggesting is that you take some time off."
"To do what, Albus? Pathetic as it may sound this is all I have. Where can I go? I have no family left except for Harry. Where can I be useful?" He shook his head ruefully. "I don't understand the world, Albus. It passed me by. I can understand war but I never knew peace." Sirius was staring at the back of his hands. Slowly the anger had left his voice leaving just weariness behind. "I've lived too long at the margin of humanity, of sanity of… morality," he added with a twisted smile.
Dumbledore looked up at him sharply. "I'm not telling you to leave for good, Sirius!" he protested.
"Of course not," whispered the Animagus. "You take care of your strays. But they should not become too attached, should they? Though I don't see you sending your other stray back to Snape Manor for some peace and relaxation." His eyes met the Headmaster's. "Don't hide behind your finger, Albus. You knew exactly what was going on. You always know what is happening in every corner of the Castle, why should Remus' bedroom be any exception?"
Anger shone behind the half moon spectacles. "I do not appreciate your tone, Mr Black. It is my duty as Headmaster of this school to see that nothing interferes…" Albus' voice trailed off. His expression softened. "Sirius, you are an asset to this school. I'm only talking about a few weeks."
"A month."
"It's three weeks until the end of term."
"I will not leave-"
Severus.
"I will not leave Hogwarts."
"It would be good for you to have a change of setting," Dumbledore said quietly.
"As long as I'm employed, I can stay. Are you letting me go, Albus?"
He didn't sack me. How could he have? He loves his strays, me, Remus, Hagrid, the ones I never knew about and above all, Snape. His lost black lamb, his prodigal son.
Had Snape asked him to get rid of me, even for a little while? It's been almost a week since Remus' funeral and he's been avoiding me like the plague. I miss him. I began missing him since before Remus died. It is not easy to go from both to no one at all.
I corner him when he's heading for his Dungeons but he will not speak to me. He hardly acknowledges me. I feel that he cannot stand the sight of me, that he's blaming me for being alive while Remus is dead. Am I paranoid?
I'm not leaving. That self-destructive prick won't push me away. At the teacher's table he's taken to sitting as far away from me as possible. I avoid looking at him. The first day after the funeral he left the table in anger. Later in the day he caught up with me and hissed at me to stop staring at him like a lovesick puppy.
What had nearly been a smile at seeing him walk up to me was killed by the venom in his voice. A lovesick puppy. Indeed sick to be aching for Severus Snape.
Snape stared at his class of seventh years. It was Double Potions with Gryffindors and Slytherins or rather Slytherin as the joke went. Although his House hadn't truly been reduced to one student the joke came close to the truth. The sixth and seventh year Slytherins put together were hardly enough to form a Quidditch team.
"Longbottom?"
"Yes, sir?"
"What are we making?"
"The Obscuro Potion, sir."
"And are you sure that salamander eyes belong in it? This classroom is a bit old but I'm not really in the mood for redecorating it."
Neville drew in a steadying breath. He feared Snape a lot less since the war. It wasn't just that he had seen things that were far more likely to reside in one's nightmares than an ill-tempered, middle-aged Potions Master. Said Potions Master had covered Neville's body with his while curses and rubble were landing all around them during the Siege of Hogwarts. He may have called Neville the bane of his existence and a pitiful waste of space but it seemed that he hadn't been that adverse to the thought of him continuing to walk the Earth. And in Neville's loyal half Hufflepuff heart actions spoke louder than words.
"I wasn't going to add the salamander's eyes, sir. I was just about to put the jar back."
"Why had you taken it out in the first place?"
"I… last week… I accidentally packed it along with my things…"
Severus gave out a heavy sigh. "Ten points from Gryffindor and please, proceed with care." Remus would have been proud, he thought with a bitter smile. Only ten points, no detention and I didn't yell at the boy. Who knew I had it in me?
He looked up to find himself the object of green, bespectacled scrutiny. He'd noticed Potter staring at him when he was giving instructions on the preparation of the potion but that had been the case with the whole class then, hanging or pretending to be hanging from his every word despite the fact that most of them were going to botch their potion.
Potter was still staring. Annoying little brat. Just like his godfather. Perhaps Sirius had told his godson… Anger rose in Severus' chest at the possibility adding to the irrational anger that he already felt against the Animagus. Cornering him. Wanting to be with him as though nothing had changed. Playing a cruel trick on him back at a time when he could not accept and continue to love a monster.
Was it fair to blame only Sirius for the time he had wasted hating Remus? Running around with a mask on his head? Falling to his knees in front of Voldemort, falling to his knees in front of Lucius Malfoy? For different reasons…
And later on, after the trials, after the dust had settled down, long after Malfoy had gotten married and had a son he'd seen a familiar face in Diagon Alley. Tousled brown hair where some white hairs had already made their appearance, big hazel eyes that tiny wrinkles had marred. The monster he had once loved.
He did not follow Remus that afternoon. He did not try to find him again. He wrapped himself in his pride and slept with it.
"Professor?"
It was Potter. "What?" he snapped.
"Are we dismissed, sir?"
The bell must have rang. He did not hear it. He couldn't afford to fall apart.
"Yes. Don't forget to put away your potions, we're going to test them next week. Do not borrow anything intentionally or accidentally" at that he glared at Neville. "Now get out of my sight."
They all did as they'd been told. Almost all. Severus felt the green eyes on him.
"I suggest you hurry up, Mr Potter," he said without looking up. "I'm running low on diluted Bubotuber Puss and I'm sure you'd prefer spending your afternoon doing whatever you and your insipid little friends consider fun rather than having detention in my office."
One of the insipid friends poked his red head through the door to see what was keeping Harry. Harry left quickly but not before giving the Professor another piercing look.
