Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, I don't even own the story line. This is a response to Severitus' challenge. And I want you to know that I am not being paid to do this.

A/N: Well I loved to read these challenge ones, so I decided, what the heck let's do it.

Chapter 9----- I wanna stay alive with you

The time Harry needed stretched. In fact now it was almost Christmas and Snape thought that all of this was going to drive him insane. The not knowing. Lupin kept saying that Snape should keep out of Harry's way, don't pester him about things that are not ready to be answered. The first stage to fatherhood Lupin had said. This was harder than Snape had originally thought. But as the Christmas holidays grew nearer Snape now had a new predicament. Whether to give Harry a Christmas present, and if so- what. "Hmm," Lupin said quietly to himself. "Something small, but that would mean a lot to him." Snape racked his brain for something but had absolutely no idea what. " I know," Lupin suddenly declared. "Remember that diary that you stole off of Lily back in sixth year?" "Yes?" "Have you still got it?" "Yes," Snape said quietly to his feet, then added quickly. "I never could open it though." "Oh, I know //that// there was a charm that Lily did, I know what it is. She trusted me not to open her diary. Like dogs. Werewolves are loyal." He seemed very chuffed about the fact. "Give him that and some chocolate." "Chocolate?" Snape asked skeptical, "Why chocolate?" "Well every one likes chocolate."

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And so what was decided was the diary and chocolate frogs, Harry apparently had quite a fondness for them and collected the cards (Snape often wondered why there wasn't a famous wizard of Harry). Snape could never really see the attraction to them, but he never really saw the appeal of chocolate. (A/N: Either do I what's the deal with it? I mean I eat it but.) Pulling down the dusty diary off of the top self was quite a painful experience. Looking back he had no idea why he had stolen it off of her. Maybe it was so he could know what she really felt about him. Lupin had taught him the spell needed to unlock the diary and had also said that there was no harm in Snape looking at it now. So that was what he was doing. Flipping through the pages of the handsome leather bound book smelling the sweet sense of Lily that was some how entrapped in the thin pages. Phrases like //James can be an idiot some times// and // The world is doomed if Sirius is released from school.// stuck in Severus' mind. And as he was skimming through the fragile book a whole entry caught his eye.

March 22 1976

I don't understand that lot sometimes. I have no idea what goes on in James Potter's head. Some of the stuff he does is rather funny, when it's harmless fun. But making fools of people? Take Severus for example. What did he do wrong? Nothing really. Ok Sirius hurt his pride, (I can't remember how, it was so long ago) but right from the off they instantly hated each other. So when they decided to become, and I quote, 'Marauders' Snape was there instant target. Throwing dungbombs off of him turning him into that dung beetle the other day, (though I must admit James' transfiguration is very good.) Today Severus had water balloons thrown off of him. A muggle invention that I now regret having told them. Even worse, Peeves took an interest in the 'marauders' little game. It's not fair on Severus. He has a lot of pride (I think he has Latin ancestry) and when you break that, it hurts, like it does every one. I've told James to lay off him; he has a bit, but not much. Well I suppose it's better than nothing. Severus, he's quite sweet sometimes, if you catch him alone, in the library for instance he can be a real gentleman. Not like the other Slytherins, he's never called me mudblood or even mention that I'm muggleborn because I really don't think he believes in that rubbish. It's just when he's around his friends that he's a bit of a git. But then again- every one's like that. Even James and company. Actually come to think of it I had a decent conversation about charms to Sirius in the common room last week just before I retired for the night. I almost forgot it was Sirius. In fact for about two minutes I thought I was speaking to Severus. You just have to talk to him to understand it all. It's the same with every one, talk about something they enjoy and you can really open up a person's personality, whether their caring or annoying or selfish. Severus' passion is potions. I'm hopeless at it. I don't like it, the smell is over powering, but I can see the art that Severus sees in it. Sirius keeps telling me that Severus has a crush on me. I know he does, but he knows that I'm with James and I think he wouldn't try and break us apart so he could have me. Before I went out with James he was more approaching, Severus that is, to that kind of relationship, but he's not any more. He just wants me happy, well I think so.

Snape just stared dumbstruck at the page. Lily cared about him. Tried to stop the pranks and humiliation that the others caused. Snape suddenly missed her, regretted that never told her that he loved her. Now he had their son on his hands. Their son, who hated him. Snape knew that. There was no way that Harry was going to forgive him. Sighing, wiping away a tear Snape wrapped up the present in some brown paper with a note.

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Harry was awoken like normal on Christmas with Rons' pillow colliding with his head. "I'm up Ron." Sitting up in his bed Harry didn't even bother to put on his glasses- he didn't need to. Over the past few months his eyes were getting better, Madam Pomfrey had put new lenses in, all Harry needed them for now was to see the board. Ron was already opening his third present when Harry made a start on his first. It was from Sirius, like normal it was something handy that Harry could actually use. This year it was a little box, that could hold a lot more than it looked. Harry was suddenly reminded of Mary Poppins' carpetbag. Like every year there was Mrs Weasleys' jumper and a book from Hermione. "The world of Quidditch." There was two presents left both with notes. Harry collected them and drew his curtains around his bed so he could open them in private. The first on was wrapped in brown paper, but first he read the note.

Harry, I took this off your mother when we were at school, I thought that you might like to have it. Your father, Snape, The big greasy haired git- what ever you want to call me I don't care any more. (That was your Godfather's particular favourite.)

With shaking hands Harry unwrapped the gift- a diary. He opened it, the front page. 'Five year diary, 1975-1980' with the name 'Lily Evans' on a dotted line. He put it on a separate pile from his other presents. Then he reached for the other one. This one had no note, well a very short one.

Harry, Your mother gave me this; it's time you should read it. It's your right. Professor Lupin.

And upon opening it he found that it was yet another diary. This one was much more modern. '1978-1983.' A strange feeling erupted in Harry. Maybe she would confide in her diary to sleeping with Snape. If so- Harry would know what she felt like after having done so. Flipping through the pages quickly he found an entry that started off as if it could be the one he was looking for- the date sufficed.

7 November 1979

Oh god, I feel so bad, so dirty, and my head is killing me. Severus. Jesus Christ I slept with Severus! The fight I had with James, it made me leave for the night. I had to get away. It wasn't James' fault, every one is stressed. It was financial trouble. Something about his parents' inheritance isn't coming through properly. The high stress level made us fight over such a stupid thing. He never hurt me but I needed to get away. That's when I saw Severus. I hadn't seen him in so long we caught up on old times. The drinks just kept coming. Oh god, I can't even remember it. What had happened? It's all blurred. I think I remember going upstairs in the inn, dragging Severus, who was just as bad as I was, into a room, putting a silencing charm on it. Jesus I had enough sense in me to put a silencing charm around the room but not refrain myself from sleeping with Severus. The next thing I remember is waking up naked next to him. Muttering to myself, 'oh god.' And Severus' apologises. He felt so bad. I could feel his guilt. I knew he felt something for me. He's always known how much my relationship with James is to me. He's never intervened. He wasn't scared at what James would do upon finding out that he'd slept with his wife. He was scared how he had helped jeopardise my relationship ship with James. James, oh god what am I going to tell James?

Awe struck Harry flipped through some more pages, looking for another entry that looked promising. It wasn't hard to find.

25 November 1979

I'm pregnant. There's nothing really else to say about the matter. Except the fact of course that it's not James' child I'm pregnant //with// I am carrying the child of Severus Snape. I have no idea what to do. I have to tell James. But.James' problem, he would instantly click that it wasn't his. Then I would have to tell him. But there is no other way. I have to do it.

26 November 1979

Well I'm not dead, which I guess is a good thing. And I'm still in my house- with James. I told him last night. He took it well. I made it quite clear that the both of us were completely put our heads when it happened. And not to blame Severus. He didn't- he didn't blame me either. In fact- he blamed himself. Blamed, that it was his problem that made me do it. He even asked if I wanted to leave him to go to Severus as I was carrying his child. I laughed at the prospect. "Severus, raise a child? Please, he told me that he killed his goldfish." "Snape had a goldfish?" "Yes, but I want my child raised by the man I love. You, in case you didn't notice. That is of course you'd let me." So now James is working on an illusion spell, just in case my child is a dead ringer of Severus. "Might as well do it all the way." James had said. Actually I thought that James was secretly glad that I was pregnant. He'd always wanted a child and this was the only chance we'd get. It didn't matter whose some one's biological father is. All that matters is that he/she knows that there are people who love them. And that's what I plan to do. (Also get Severus a new goldfish, just so he can practise babysitting. Or in case all this fighting with Voldemort ends in us.well dying- Severus would be there. Maybe I should get him a hamster or a puppy.)

Harry closed the book with a snap and jumped of the bed. His mothers' words. It didn't matter that Snape was his father. Really it didn't. James Potter had loved him. He'd given his life for Harry's. Now all Snape was trying to do was trying to get to know his son. 'I haven't been using this time to accept, I've been using it to hide from my problems, hoping that they'd go away.' Harry thought. 'But they won't, things like this don't go away- no matter how much I'd want them to.' He got dressed and opened his curtains. "Hi Harry, where you going? What's wrong?" "I've been an idiot." Before Ron could say anything Fred and George came in demanding that there was to be family time in the common room. "Your right." Harry said about to walk down the stairs. "No wait Harry," George said, "You can stay with us of course" "It's alright George. You're right. Christmas is family time. So I'm going to spend it with the only family I really have." With that he walked out the common room.