Okay hi! Sorry it took so long to get it up. My 18th birthday was last Monday, and my prom was Friday, and then I went camping all weekend, so I am really sorry. Please leave me a review and tell me what you think.

Disclaimer: The characters and the song by Ms. Mitchell do not belong to me. So please don't sue, okay? Because seriously, I'm broke.

She didn't get out of bed that next day. She didn't think that she had the strength to. She heard the first knock on the door. She saw the angry numbers on her clock glaring at her, almost demanding that she get dressed now. The second set of knocks came about twenty minutes later. She didn't move. She stayed huddled under her covers. The third set came ten minutes later, and then fifteen minutes after that she heard the door open and a voice calling her name.

"Monica!" It was Chandler. He came rushing into the room. "I knocked. Didn't you hear me knock?"

"I heard," she answered. She didn't turn to look at him.

"Monica, it's two in the afternoon."

"I am aware of the time thanks," she replied icily. She wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, even him.

"What's the matter?" Everything, she thought, but she remained silent.

"I ran into Janice yesterday," she told him finally. He could understand wanting to hide from that, but he bit his lip to hold back his lame attempt at a joke.

"And?"

"She said that she had heard I had gotten married. I wonder if she heard about Lydia...do you think she knew about Lydia?" She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. She didn't know he...about the accident." She couldn't bring herself to say the words. Died. That awful word.

"God, Monica, I'm sorry..." Monica didn't answer. She didn't look at him.

"Ice cream. Lydia wanted ice cream. He always spoiled her, always." She was crying now. "She was his princess. He told me that if we had anymore kids, he didn't know if he could love them like he loved her. He said that he loved her so much, that it didn't seem possible to him to be able to love another child as much. He told me that he loved me like that too." She buried her head in the pillow.

"Why don't we go see Lydia?" He suggested. Lydia. Three-year-old Lydia who was now living with Monica's parents. She had gone there while Monica had been in the coma. While her father died, and while the world changed. Monica hadn't been able to handle having Lydia back with her once she woke up. She hadn't been able to handle much of anything.

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels

the dizzy dancing way that you feel

as every fairy tale comes real

I've looked at love that way

Chandler rubbed his temples as he left Monica's apartment. He remembered her phone call. That faithful night about three months before.

Three months before:

"Chandler..." she had said sobbing on the other end. "I did something stupid. Please come here." He had hung up and rushed over there. He had pounded on the door and when she didn't answer, he had practically broken it down. He found her lying there in a puddle of her own vomit with the empty pill bottle next to her.

"Monica," he screamed. He rushed to her side and checked for a pulse. It was there. Weak, but it was there. "Monica? Monica?"

"Chandler?" She mumbled her eyes still squeezed shut.

"Monica? Talk to me, tell me why you did this?"

"Tell Lydia that I'm sorry."

"Monica....Mon?" He was crying now, holding her in his lap and crying as he fumbled for the phone and dialed 911.

"I just...can't take it anymore. The pain, Chandler...it hurts to get out of bed, it hurts to breathe." He had held her hand all the way to the hospital. He had been there when she opened her eyes.

"Oh God," she had moaned. "I'm a horrible mother. I was going to orphan my child. Oh, God." She grabbed onto Chandler's sweater began to cry into the wool.

"Monica, calm down. You're okay, now."

"No," she hiccupped. "I'm not okay. I'm nowhere near okay." She was thoughtful for a moment and then turned her face to his and looked deep into his eyes. "When I get out of here, I'm going to go away for a little while."

"What?" He asked confused. Go away? What was she talking about?

"I mean, I'm going to take the first flight out. I don't know where, and I don't care. I just want to get away from here." She wiped the tears away with the back of her hand. "I'll go say goodbye to Lydia, and go. Just go. I don't know for how long. I just can't be here anymore." That was obvious, he wanted to tell her. Maybe that's why you're laying in a hospital bed after digesting a whole lot of pills.

"Monica.."

"Don't. I need this Chandler. I need to go away for a while. Lydia...she looks so much like him, you know?" Actually, Lydia was a carbon copy of Monica, but he didn't feel it was the right time to point that out to her, so he didn't say anything at all. "I see her, and I think of him. I think of Tom, Chandler, and I can't breathe." She had thought that that she was so strong. It turned out she wasn't as strong as she had always thought. And she didn't know much at that point, but she knew that she couldn't move on there. New York held just too many memories to contend with. Better to leave and learn how to be on her own somewhere else. She had to. For herself, and for Lydia.

but now it's just another show

you leave them laughing when you go

and if you care, don't let them know

don't give yourself away

Present:

"Mommy!" Lydia's cry came as soon as Monica had parked the car in front of her parents' house.

"Lydia!" She echoed her daughter's enthusiasm as she jumped out of the driver's seat and ran to her little girl and scooped her into her arms.

"Look!" Lydia's three-year-old chubby fingers pointed to the flowers that Judy had been planting.

"Monica," Judy said with a smile climbing to her feet and giving her daughter a hug. They had had a long talk when Monica was in the hospital after the accident about the way that Judy treated her. It was during the conversation that they had agreed that it would be better for Lydia to go live with them until Monica was back on her feet. Both literally and metaphorically. "How are you?"

"I'm doing okay," she said with a half smile. "Now that I have my favorite girl with me." Lydia grinned and threw her arms around her mother's neck. Monica was amazed at how much she had grown in six months. Six months. Six months since Tom had died. Six months since her world had shattered. It had been three months since she had tried to kill herself. God, that was a horrible sentence. She smiled at her little girl. "How about you and me go to the toy store?"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah? Okay. Mom, we'll be back later," Monica said giving her mother a kiss and taking Lydia and placing her in her car seat and starting her SUV, something that Tom had bought her as soon as she had found out that she was pregnant. He had said that it was a safe car. How funny that they had been in his car when they were in the accident. She used to think that if they had just taken hers then he would still be alive. She shook the thoughts away and smiled back at her daughter.

"Ready?" She asked and Lydia nodded and Monica pulled out and drove away from her mother's house.

I've looked at love from both sides now

from give and take

and still somehow

it's love illusions I recall

I really don't know love at all

Chandler heard the knock on the door and willed himself to his feet. He looked at his clock. Two in the morning. Did Joey forget his keys again? He muttered to himself all the way to the door and pulled it open. He was surprised to see Monica on the other side.

"Hi," she said as he opened the door.

"Monica? Do you know what time it is? Are you okay?"

"I'm great. Come with me. Well, get dressed first, and then come with me." She gave him a smile.

"Are you drunk?" He asked and she laughed a little.

"No...well, not really. Come on." He went back into his room, his head raced as he pulled on a pair of pants and grabbed his keys and wallet and followed her out of the apartment.

"Where are we going?"

"Geez, you're full of questions," she said smiling. She pulled his hand and took him out to her car which was waiting and drove away. He noticed that she was driving out of the city.

"Monica?"

"Hmm?"

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see," she replied mischievously. After forty-five minutes or so she pulled the car into a park. She hopped out and ran to the lake and he followed behind her. She stopped and sat down at the water's edge.

"Where are we?"

"This is where he proposed to me," she said softly.

"It's beautiful." He wasn't really sure why she had taken him here, but it was the first time she had mentioned anything about Tom without breaking down, and so he wasn't arguing.

"Yes. He was romantic, wasn't he? He laid down a blanket on top the of the snow, and sat me down and pulled out the ring and he was nervous, and do you know what I said to him?"

"Hmm?"

"I said I didn't know that heaven was so cold." Her eyes were full of glistening tears, but she wasn't crying. In fact, she was smiling. "I spent all day with Lydia. And I decided to take her back. I talked to my mother, and we're going to move her back in a week."

"That's great, Monica," he said. "You can handle that?" Monica nodded.

"She's my daughter. She's all I have left of him. I want her there with me," she explained. "I'm done being self-centered and wallowing in my pity. I wasn't the only one who lost someone. Lydia lost her father, and....." She paused. "I was selfish for so long, Chandler." She shrugged. "I don't want to be anymore. This isn't what Tom would have wanted. He wouldn't want Lydia to have to grow up without either one of her parents. He wouldn't want me to be this depressed......so I'm not going to be anymore." She reached over and took his hand. "You think it's a bad idea? I mean, Lydia coming to live with me again."

"Not if you think that you can handle it," he said smiling at her.

"I'm sure."

"Then I think that it's a great idea." She threw her arms around his neck.

"Thank you Chandler," she whispered into his ear. "For everything."

tears and fears and feeling proud

to say I love you right aloud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

"Monica? Are you sure this is a good idea?" Ross asked for what seemed like the thousandth time that day as they moved Lydia's things back into Monica's apartment. She rubbed her temples. She sighed with a annoyed tone.

"Shut up Ross," she snapped picking a box of Lydia's clothes and taking them into the bedroom. The rest of the friends looked from the closed door to Ross.

"I don't know about this. Look how snappish she is," Ross commented.

"You're an ass Ross," Chandler said throwing down the toy in his hand and following Monica into Lydia's bedroom. He found Monica sitting on Lydia's bed looking a picture that Chandler had taken of Monica holding newborn Lydia in her arms with Tom's arm around her shoulder, both beaming at the camera.

"Hey," Chandler said softly from the doorway.

"Was that uncalled for?" She asked looking up from the photograph.

"No, it was most certainly called for," he answered sitting down next to him.

"He just...." she trailed off and threw her head back in an exasperated sigh. Then they both started laughing. They were laughing so hard that tears were falling down their faces.

"Why don't we leave the unpacking until tonight?" Chandler suggested pulling her to her feet.

"What?"

"Let's go get something to eat," he said. She looked back at the pile of toys and clothes, and he knew that it was killing her that she couldn't clean it up right away.

"Okay," she finally said biting her lip. And for the first time he saw a flash of his old carefree friend. One that wasn't changed by tragedy and loss, but the old Monica who played games of football for a troll trophy and who was always up to his next scheme. And he took her hand and they raced past their confused friends and out the door.

oh but now old friends they're acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well, something's lost, but something's gained

In living everyday

Okay the last bit of the song will be in the next part, and please drop me a review. Just press that button right there. Come on! It is my birthday after all, consider it a birthday present.