Chapter II


When we last saw our intrepid heros, they were searching for the Club of Puncturing! A two foot long piece of blunt wood, capable of punching holes through humans and armor....go figure.
Damien and I were sitting in the conference room, waiting for Diablo to show up. It had been six days since I told him I killed Pepin. He finally ran in, his face........a deeper red than usual.
"Hey, ah, Zax, I didn't see that thing you saw! What was it?", Diablo asked.
"Ummm.....a UFO.", I replied.
"What's a UFO?", Diablo asked.
"It's a thing....that aliens fly around in. It stands for Unidentified Flying Object.", Damien replied.
"We need one of those! The Butcher, order us a QFO!", Diablo said!
"Erm, thats UFO.......", I said.
"Whatever.", Diablo said. The Butcher typed it onto the agenda for later.
"Waitaminit, didn't Farnham kill the butcher 2 weeks ago?", Damien asked.
"I stapled him back together. I felt he was necessary.", The Skeleton King said.
"Oh, cause I was wondering what this metal dealie in his side was.", I said, reaching for it.
"NOOOO!!!!!", The Butcher screamed as I yanked it out. Then his torso fell to the floor.
"Goddammit, Zax! You made me waste a staple!", The Skeleton King yelled.

Suddenly, that thing in movies that happens when the film runs off the projector or whatever happens! Cut to a 14 year old boy typing on his gay ass computer. The boy is wearing one of those stupid Burger King crowns, with Burger King crossed out, and The Skeleton King written in its place. The boy looks up on top of his moniter, to show a sock monkey dressed as a viking.
"Well, Thor....What should I write now?", the boy asks the monkey. As usual, Thor is unresponsive. Just then, the boy got the idea to be incredibly lazy in his fanfics!
"I know! I'll write them as if they were a movie script!", the boy cried out. Then he laughed evilly to himself. "Fanfiction.Net will never know what hit it! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!"

And now, back to our regularly scheduled Fanfiction.

Butcher: You know, I'm not too comfortable here on the floor, with all my blood leaking out.

Just then, the boy decided he didn't like this version, and returned back to his original style, after adjusting his paper crown.

"Yeah, no one cares at all.", Damien said.
"I care!", The Skeleton King said.
"Shut up! All of you!", Diablo yelled, then did the Super Spifferific Apoc attack on the top half of the Butcher. The charred corpse coughed out some smoke, then died and his soul went to level 16. (Come on! I mean, if level 14-16 is hell, then you're gonna have to fight every monster you already fought, or something like that...)
Banghead Boneshield cried out, "Oh my god! You killed the Butcher!", then Diablo fried him. And Banghead Boneshield, too, went to level 16. I looked down to see El Chupacabras gnawing on the Butcher's remains.
"Oh dear god....", I groaned.

Phil the Warrior wandered through the earlier levels, where he figured he would most likely find a club. Then he ran into Snotspill.
"Do you have a club that can puncture stuff?", Phil asked.
"What? A puncturing club? The very idea is just-Gah!!! I need my sign back!!", Snotspill cried.
"What, this sign?", Phil said, producing Ogden's sign.
"Yayayayayay!!!!!!", Snotspill cried grabbing at it.
"Nope, I'll give it to you if you can tell me where to find the club.", Phil said.
"Deal!", Snotspill cried, taking the sign.
"Good, now where's the club?", Phil asked.
"What club?", Snotspill asked.
"The Club of Puncturing.", Phil said.
"WHAT?! A club that can puncture?! That's insane!! I mean, GAH!!!", Snotspill screamed, then proceeded to beat himself to death with the sign. 1 minute later, Phil stood over Snotspill's corpse.
"Damn, there goes my lead. Note to self....mentioning the Club of Puncturing makes people go insane...", he said. Then he wandered down into the recesses of hell.
In hell, Phil spotted Lachdanen.
"Hey, that guy's already a nutjob. I bet I can talk to him about it.", he said, then walked up to Lachdanen.
"Have you found my potion? I'm a pathetic loser, and I want to die, and I don't know how to use this sword I'm holding, cause I'm a big stupid lame-o!!", he asked.
"Actually, Lachdanen, I need to ask you about the Club of Puncturing...", Phil started. Upon speaking those words, a loud bang was heard from inside Lachdanen's helmet. Then he toppled over. Phil pulled off Lachdanen's helm, and red goo poured out.
"Ah, dammit! I'm killing all the monster NPC's!!! Ok, that leaves....Gharbad the Weak, and Zhar the Mad...I'll go talk to Zhar..", Phil walked off.
"Hey Zhar have you heard of a Club of Puncuring?", Phil asked.
"Yes, I have, it's in this book.....heheh...", Zhar said, handing a book to Phil.
"YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE BOOK!!!!! NOW YOU DIE!!!", Zhar screamed, attacking Phil. Phil killed him in one hit.
"Freakin' NPC Freak-o..", Phil mumbled to himself, as he walked off to seek Gharbad.
"Hey Gharbad, have you seen or heard of a Club of Puncturing?", Phil asked, holding up his shield to block flying gray matter.
"Yeah, I have, I'm making one now, as a matter of fact.", Gharbad replied.
"COOL! Can I have it?!", Phil asked.
"Sure, but you have to kill me.......", Gharbad said. Before Gharbad got out another word, his head was on the floor, and Phil was sheathing his sword.
"HAHA! Stupid Goatman!", Phil said. Phil pulled a club off of Gharbad, but upon wasting a scroll of identify on it, it turned out to just be a normal Club.
"AGH! GOD-DAMN-YOU-GHAR-BAD!!!", he yelled, kicking Gharbad at every syllable. "This sucks! There's no more monster NPC's, and I still don't know where the Club is!", he yelled into the dungeon. Then he stormed back up to town.

Back on the our side, we were having all the monster deaths caused by Phil that day reported to us.
"One Snotspill, Gharbad the Weak, Zhar the Mad, Lachdanen, 43 Fallen Ones, 22 Zombies, 12 Black Knights, 17 Succubi, 13 Advocates, 80458 Scavengers.", a familiar read. "Wow, that's a lot.......", Diablo said.
"We need a way to end this chapter. The author is tired, and wants to play Diaspora.", I said.
Just then, a weird and cheesy narrarator voice cut in.
"This concludes chapter 2!! Will Phil find someone who can surivive for more than 5 minutes after hearing about the Club of Puncturing? You know, A club that punctures is just a weird and stupid thing, I mean, it doesn't make sense!! I mean-GAH!!!!" Just then, Everyone in the board room heard a loud explosion, as the narrarator's head exploded.

Author's Note: Its 12:30, I want to play Diaspora, and my dad'll get mad at me if I stay up to long. I want to win the award as the Fanfiction.Net writer who's killed off more character's than anyone else. And i'm not counting those fics about war games, where like, 103432822312 people can die in one sentence. So nix on Starcraft.