Here is how Daria and Jane really have met:
The Game to Aim Jane Lane for Fame.
EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH – DAY
Daria is reading a big
blue book with the title: "666 Sarcastic Remarks for all Occasions."
Suddenly a light ball
explodes in front of her.
DARIA:
Eep! (looking up from
her book) I mean: (deadpan) Eep.
There where the light ball was, are now three figures: A little boy 7 to 8 years old. A huge brute guy dresses like "Space Ghost" and a robot.
OTTO:
Yes. It's 1998. Bill Clinton
is President. The US-economy is booming and the cold war has ended years
ago, allowing an age of peace and prosperity.
LARRY 3000:
Ah, yes 1998. The "All Saints"
have 3 Number Ones in the US. Furby and Beannie Babies are invented and
Dana Internationale wins the Eurovision Song Contest. Indeed this is a
wonderful year.
Daria walks up to them.
DARIA:
Sorry for interrupting you.
But the record of 1998 till now also gives us some school shootings, the
Oklahoma-bombing, US-embassies explosions in Africa and the Indian subcontinent
testing nuclear weapons.
OTTO:
Ah yes, that is correct.
LARRY 3000: (miserable)
Well there goes my short
phase of enthusiasm.
DARIA:
You must be time-travellers
because any other conclusion would mean that I was taking illegal substances.
OTTO:
Uh, yes we are time-travellers,
may we introduce ourselves: I'm Otto. This is Tuddrussel and this is Larry
3000.
DARIA:
Hi, I'm Daria… (looking
up from her book) … Daria Smith. Welcome to the Nineties.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Oh no, it is these cynic
nineties again. I hate this age. I don't like this Grunge guys, they are
so spooky. Remember Kurt Cobain.
(imitating Kurt Cobain)
"Look at me, I am an alternative musician, smells-like-teen-spirit is far
to commercial, I am writing a song about traffic security"… ah, what for
a looser.
DARIA: (looking up from
her book)
So much about the innocence
of Courtney Love.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Hey, wait a moment! I know
something positive about the Nineteen-Nineties! Bill Clinton! That is the
guy with…
LARRY 3000:
Tuddrussel!
TUDDRUSSEL: (smirking
in trance)
Oh yeah, you know: Lewinsky,
he, he, he. (he chuckles like Beavis and Butthead)
DARIA:
I am just experiencing a
nasty déjà-vu.
OTTO: Ah yes the Lewinsky-scandal, also referred as Lewinskygate. Which nearly lead to a impeachment on charges of…
LARRY 3000:
Aaaargh Otto, that is nothing
for little boys. (he hold his hands over Otto's mouth and ears)
Or big boys (glares at
Tuddrussel)
TUDDRUSSEL: (smirking
in trance)
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
LARRY 3000:
Otto, I will never tolerate
such behaviour. You are still to young for this.
TUDDRUSSEL: (smirking
in trance)
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
DARIA:
Who is Monica Lewinsky?
LARRY 3000:
You soon will find out…
to yours and the world's dismay.
OTTO:
Yes… as I said we are time-travellers
on a mission. And we are looking for Jane Lane the future Artiste Extraordinaire
of the 21st century.
LARRY 3000:
This is the Lawndale High
School. The place where she got inspired for her future works. Do you know
where we can find her?
DARIA:
Huh well. (looking up
from her book) Although helping time travellers is not on my daily
goal list, it is okay. The person you seek who listens to the name Jane
Lane is over there.
Daria points at a tree.
TUDDRUSSEL: (smirking
in trance)
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
LARRY 3000:
That is not an artist. That
is a tree.
DARIA: (looking up from
her book)
Well, that is also not a
pipe.
OTTO:
Excuse me?
DARIA:
Oops, forget it. Insider-joke…
You must understand that
Jane Lane is the loneliest girl of Lawndale.
Daria walks slowly to the tree; the trio follows her.
OTTO:
Why is she the loneliest
girl of Lawndale?
DARIA:
Since I came to this school.
The only ones, she was talking to, were trees.
They stop at the tree and listen to Jane's voice.
VOICE OF JANE:
… you know what mosquitoes
kill more people than man-eating lions…
TUDDRUSSEL: (smirking
in trance)
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
VOICE OF JANE:
Hey! It's Lane.
OTTO:
Hello Jane Lane, I am sorry
to disturb you, shouldn't you be doing some artwork?
VOICE OF JANE:
Why?
OTTO:
You are supposed to be an
artist!
VOICE OF JANE:
What! An artist? And leaving
my trees?
LARRY 3000:
But Jane Lane, as an artist
you can go to New York on parties and talk about art with other bright
people… what is so great about talking to trees?
VOICE OF JANE:
I used to talk to pot plants,
but strangely they all died.
So instead I am talking
to trees, since they seem to last longer.
In that moment Tuddrussel wakes up from his Lewinsky-trance.
TUDDRUSSEL: (addressing
to Jane)
Well, you are a Hippy-Tree-Hugger!
VOICE OF JANE:
Anabolic-Addict!
TUDDRUSSEL:
ANABOLIC!!! Why you, these
are 100% finest trained muscle mass.
VOICE OF JANE:
Sure, thanks to the 100%
finest US-Veal.
TUDDRUSSEL:
That's it! If you weren't
a girl…
VOICE OF JANE:
Be glad I AM a girl.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Aarrghhhhh!
LARRY 3000: (smirking
to Otto and Daria)
You see why she is a perfect
role model for further generations of artists.
OTTO:
Uh Tuddrussel. I think we
should be more diplomatic.
TUDDRUSSEL: (calms down)
Okay. You are right. I am
giving her 10 seconds to get down of the tree, before I set it on fire.
LARRY 3000:
This is so odd. Jane Lane
always enjoyed being part of the New Yorker artist society…
OTTO:
I got it: She needs a friend.
LARRY 3000:
Of course! A good friend
can help her to developed social skills!
TUDDRUSSEL:
A friend? Where can we find
a friend for this freak!
OTTO:
How about Daria?
TUDDRUSSEL:
Good idea! (to Daria)
Do you know anybody who can be Jane's friend?
DARIA:
That is rather tricky. You
know that the common High School is infested with a social caste system.
We have got for example: The Populars, the Sportjocks, the Goths, the Nerds…
OTTO:
And what are you?
DARIA:
Depressive intellectual
Antisyndicalist neo-Marxist nihilist … But only to shock my parents and
teachers.
OTTO:
And what is Jane?
DARIA:
Well Jane is totally exceptional.
She doesn't need friends.
VOICE OF JANE:
Friends? I don't need friends
I am a lonely warrior against life itself.
LARRY 3000:
Then how about a handsome
boyfriend?
Jane jumps from the tree to the ground.
JANE:
It's a deal.
The school bell rings.
JANE:
But he must be handsome.
Daria, Otto, Larry and Tuddrussel stare at her.
JANE:
Come on, I am a young girl
with romantic needs.
She walks into school. Daria follows her into class.
LARRY 3000: (sights)
Okay lets match make her.
Otto, Larry and Tuddrussel walk off in another direction. Suddenly Tuddrussel sees a phone booth.
TUDDRUSSEL: (smirking
in trance)
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
INT. WHITE HOUSE – DESK
OF MS. LEWINSKY
Ms. Lewinsky is working
on her PC. The phone rings and she answers it.
MS. LEWINSKY:
White House. Ms. Lewinsky
speaking.
VOICE OF TUDDRUSSEL:
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
MS. LEWINSKY: (cautious)
Hello? Who is speaking?
VOICE OF TUDDRUSSEL:
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
MS. LEWINSKY:
Eep!
Ms. Lewinsky slams the
phone down in angst.
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CORRIDOR
About an hour has gone.
The recess bell rings. The class is finish and the students go into recess.
Among them are Daria and Jane.
Otto is expecting them.
OTTO:
Hi Jane Lane. I found a
boyfriend for you at the school library. He is a science and history whizz,
he is intelligent, charming, cultivated and he can speak French.
He presents them Upchuck, the despaired virgin.
UPCHUCK:
Grrrr. Bonjour ma petite.
JANE:
Although I understand your
noble intentions, I have to be honest: You must understand, that I can't
date him without vomiting each minute over his shoes.
OTTO:
I must be honest too: I
didn't have any noble intentions at all. He bribed me with 20 dollars.
UPCHUCK:
Oh come, my little precious.
Let me take you to the Chateau de Chuck, where I show you my little abattoir.
You can even bring your little friend with too. (points at Daria)
DARIA, JANE AND OTTO:
Ewwwww.
Tuddrussel comes up and smashes Upchuck away.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Ah forget that dork! So
Ms. Lane. I have got the perfect boyfriend for you. He is an athlete and
his girlfriend just broke up with him.
He presents them Kevin Thompson, the stupid Quarterback.
KEVIN: Hello Babe.
JANE: (undecided)
... Hello, Kevin.
DARIA: (looking up from
her book)
Shouldn't you need a lobotomy
first?
JANE:
Hey, as long he is cute.
She walks up to Kevin but suddenly Brittany Taylor blocks her way.
BRITTANY:
Kevin what are you doing?
KEVIN:
I am helping to correct
the time-stream.
BRITTANY:
We wanted to *study* in
the janitor's room… I mean at the library!
KEVIN:
But babe! We broke up.
BRITTANY:
Kevvvy! That was 10 minutes
ago! Now come with me.
Brittany drags Kevin away.
DARIA: (looking up from
her book)
"It is better to have loved
and lost, then never to have loved at all."
JANE:
What's love got to do with
it? He is a Quarterback.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Oh that reminds me! I have
to make a phone call… for a pizza.
He smirks evil and walks
off.
INT. WHITE HOUSE – DESK
OF MS. LEWINSKY
Ms. Lewinsky is at the
phone.
MS. LEWINSKY:
… Yes, yes. The dustbins
in the hall still needs to be emptied… okay you do that after you bought
new coffee filters… Sure, oh since you will go to the mall; could you get
some duct tape too? Yes the President is on his last row… well that would
be nice…Okay I see you soon Mr. Vice-President Gore.
Ms. Lewinsky put the telephone back on the fork. Soon the phone rings again, she answers it.
MS. LEWINSKY:
White House. Ms. Lewinsky
speaking…
VOICE OF TUDDRUSSEL:
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
MS. LEWINSKY:
Eep. No, not you again…
VOICE OF TUDDRUSSEL:
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
MS. LEWINSKY:
Ahhhhh!
Ms. Lewinsky slams the
phone down more frightful than before.
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CORRIDOR
Again about an hour has
gone. The recess bell rings. The class is finish and the students go into
recess. Among them is Jane.
Larry 3000 and the Fashion
Club, Sandi, Tiffany, Stacy are expecting her.
LARRY 3000: (talking very
bitchy to Sandi Griffin)
Oh, that Mr. O'Neill, what
for a …, if I should ever have to cross words with him again, I can guarantee
you that I will cut off his tongue, put in aspic and hide it behind a refrigerator.
SANDI: (compassioned)
Oh, yes I know exactly how
you feel.
Tuddrussel joins them. He is smirking devilish.
TUDDRUSSEL: (smirking
in trance)
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
LARRY 3000:
What?
TUDDRUSSEL:
(Innocent) Nothing.
(smirking
in trance) Lewinsky he, he, he.
LARRY 3000:
Jane. May I introduce to
you Sandi Griffin, the president of the Fashion Club.
JANE:
I had already the *pleasure*
to meet her.
SANDI:
The goal of our Fashion
Club is to help the stylish unfortunate. What you need is a make over.
JANE:
I don't need a make over.
SANDI:
Well you must know that
in a relationship "looks" count…
JANE:
I think what counts in a
relationship is "personality".
SANDI:
Oh *please*, "personality".
Look for example at my friend Tiffany.
TIFFANY:
Yeah… (realizes what
Sandi said)… Haaaaaang on…
SANDI:
I want to prove to you my
theory that looks counts, when you want to have a successful social life…
STACY: (bursting out)
Exactly! Sandi is right.
As in the song "Dressed for Success" by Roxette! One of my favourite.
Stacy starts to sing:
Shaping me up for the big time, baby.
Get dressed for success.
Shaping it up for your love no, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Stacy stops singing after she notices that everyone looks at her as she has completely lost her marbles.
STACY: (timid)
Yeah… I love that song.
SANDI:
Well…my… I mean our Fashion
Club Vice President: Quinn has agreed to take part in an experiment, to
prove you that I … our Club is right.
(She addresses to a door)
Quinn, would you come in
my dearest.
The door opens and Quinn steps out. She is dressed in a slobby and nerdy Jane-Lane style.
SANDI:
In this visual demonstration:
Joey, Jeffy and J… efferson will have to choose between *that* outfit and
mine.
Tiffany leads in the 3 Jay's from an other entrance.
QUINN:
Hi boys.
SANDI:
Hi boys.
Both give them pretty eyes. But unlike in the calculations of Sandi the 3 Jay's have a bigger sense for cuteness than for style.
JOEY:
Hi Quinn. Cool outfit would
you care for cinema this evening?
JEFFY:
Hello Quinn. I have got
tickets for a concert; those boots you wear are awesome.
JAMIE:
Quinn you look great. I
have reserved two tables at Chez Pierre.
QUINN:
Well boys. Please one after
the other. I think we should talk at a place, which is more confidential.
She walks off with all three J's leaving an angry Sandi behind.
TIFFANY:
She is sooooo popular. (Sandi
glares at her)
I mean… you are *soooooo*
popular. (Sandi glares at her even more)
Uhhhhhh. What for an interesting
floor. (She looks at the floor)
JANE:
Well my dear Sandi: QED.
A furious Sandi walks
off. Tiffany and Stacy follow her.
As soon they are gone,
Daria and Otto join the remnants.
DARIA: (looking up from
her book)
QED, Quod erat demonstrandum.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Ah stop with your girlie
talk. Hey Otto! Where were you with her?
OTTO:
Daria helped me buy IT-stocks
with the 20$ I got from Upchuck.
LARRY 3000:
What would you want with
20$ worth in IT-stocks?
OTTO: (smirks)
Wait until 100 million AD.
DARIA: (looking up from
her book)
He is only living up the
neo-capitalistic spirit of our time…
OTTO: (to Jane)
And, do they were successful
to find you a suitable boyfriend.
JANE:
No, but they were successful
giving me an urge to dig out my old Roxette-tapes of my sisters.
LARRY 3000:
Wait a minute! Where do
you bought the IT-stocks?
OTTO:
On the internet.
LARRY 3000:
Well, that is it! I will
use the internet to find a befitting companion.
JANE:
Great, why meld with the
geeks in Lawndale, when you can meld with the geeks of the world.
LARRY 3000:
So, you approve. I will
log myself in.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
LARRY 3000:
Tuddrussel! The fact that
you mention this fact already 42-times today doesn't make it funnier.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Uups that reminds me, I
should make a phone again, the pizza haven't arrived yet.
INT. WHITE HOUSE – DESK
OF MS. LEWINSKY
Ms. Lewinsky is again at
the phone.
GROANING VOICE AT THE PHONE:
Hah uahhhh ohhhh ahhhhhh.
MS. LEWINSKY:
Well, no. President Clinton
isn't in the office yet....
GROANING VOICE AT THE PHONE:
Uh ohhh ahhhhh.
MS. LEWINSKY:
Shall I leave him a message
so he can call you back…?
GROANING VOICE AT THE PHONE:
Njeahhhhh.
MS. LEWINSKY:
No you will call him back,
that is okay. Thank you, and have a nice day Mr. President Jelzin.
Ms. Lewinsky puts down the phone, it rings and she picks it up again.
MS. LEWINSKY:
White House. Ms. Lewinsky
speaking…
VOICE OF TUDDRUSSEL:
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
MS. LEWINSKY:
Eeek, no please not again.
VOICE OF TUDDRUSSEL:
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
MS. LEWINSKY:
No! Well I never. Stop this.
VOICE OF TUDDRUSSEL:
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE
LAWNDALE HIGH
Larry, Otto, Jane and
Daria stand in front of a closed curtain. Tuddrussel joins them.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Larry! Why do you call us
here?
LARRY 3000:
I just wanted a suitable
site to reveal Jane's perfect boyfriend.
DARIA: (to Jane, who is
smiling)
You are enjoying this match
making.
JANE:
Yo. This reminds me of the
movie "Back to the Future". In which the hero had to bring his parents
together.
Larry 3000 steps on stage in front of the curtain.
LARRY 3000:
Well I found the perfect
match for you. I gave your preferences into the internet and picked out
the most suitable candidate among millions of young men of North America.
JANE:
Really?
LARRY 3000:
Yes he is an artist too,
laidback, extreme cool and very good-looking.
JANE:
All right. Bring him in.
DARIA: (looking up from
her book)
Open the gates of hell.
JANE:
Come on Daria. I think I'm
feeling lucky.
The curtain opens. It
reveals Trent.
…
Yo! TRENT LANE! Jane's
big brother.
TRENT: (notice Jane)
Hey Janie.
So where is that ultra-cool
artist girl who needs a shoulder to lay her head on.
Jane is embarrassed.
TRENT:
Huh… (Trent realizes)
Oh bummer. Hey Larry! She is my kid-sister!
All glare at Larry.
LARRY 3000: (ashamed)
Don't blame me! Blame Bill
Gates. He pushed the Internet Explorer!
TUDDRUSSEL:
A man dating his own sister.
That is just not right.
OTTO: (holding his hands
in front of his eyes)
I gotta wash my eyes.
JANE: (uncomfortable)
Look I am not THAT despaired!
TRENT:
Uhm, never mind Janie sooner
or later you will find the right one.
Trent walks toward the exit. He passes Daria. He stops and quotes to her.
TRENT:
Hey, nice boots… you look
good in them.
Trent smiles at Daria and goes on to the exit. Daria looks after him and starts to blush.
DARIA:
Rghzzff.
The school bell rings.
JANE:
Well I have got history
class now.
OTTO:
History class! May I come?
Please.
JANE:
Sure. Besides, today is
show and tell, and I have forgotten to do my homework.
Both walk out the auditorium, followed by Daria, who is blushing in trance.
DARIA:
Rghzzff.
Larry and Tuddrussel who were left behind start to talk.
LARRY 3000:
Hang on, maybe we were wrong
all the time. I think, what Jane Lane needs is not a boyfriend but a …
TUDDRUSSEL:
A girlfriend???!!! Larry,
that is disgusting!
LARRY 3000:
I mean FRIEND. And haven't
you got any phone calls to do?
TUDDRUSSEL:
Oh yeah. He, he, he.
He smirks evil and walks
off. Larry rolls his eyes and starts logging himself in the internet again.
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – HISTORY
CLASS WITH MR. DEMARTINO
Otto stands in front
of class, refereeing about the War of 1812.
OTTO:
…then there was our chief
executive during the War of 1812. What a temper! No coincidence he was
named James "MAD" -ison!
Nobody laughs, except Daria who gives a hint of a smile and Mr. DeMartino who never was so happy, like as if he had found the son he never had.
But then they get interrupted when a laser blast splits the door.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Time Squad! Freeze! I am
officer Buck Tuddrussel!
The whole class hold up their hands.
OTTO:
What are you doing?
TUDDRUSSEL:
Larry found a girl for Jane.
No!!! I mean…
JANE:
You mean a friend, a buddy,
a comrade, an amiga. And nothing to do with a certain relationship between
two people, which isn't tolerated by an unforgiving society.
LARRY 3000:
Oh yes, we found this place,
which is called "Ashfield Artist's Colony" and there is that lovely young
women…
JANE:
I don't know, I want to
get back to my trees.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Oh, come one! Give us one
more chance.
DARIA: (looking up from
her book)
They are right, since their
record till now was unchallenged by any kind of success.
An annoyed Tuddrussel tears away the book "666 Sarcastic Remarks for all Occasions." from Daria.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Okay you cynic, now try
to talk back, WITHOUT YOUR SMART BOOK!
This conversation abruptly ends, when a loud voice, spoken through a megaphone, shatters the whole school.
VOICE FROM OUTSITE:
ATTENTION! THIS IS THE COMMANDER
OF THE SECRET SERVICE SPEAKING.
THIS IS A SIEGE, THE WHOLE
SCHOOL IS SURROUNDED!
EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH
A massive build up of
security forces around the Lawndale High have started a siege. Several
Special Forces (FBI, CIA, Green Berets etc.) in black uniforms get out
black vans and black helicopters with sniper guns and take positions around
the school.
INT. PRINCIPAL LI'S OFFICE
Ms. Li peers out the
window.
MS. LI:
I knew it all the time.
A shoot-out! A bomb! Killer-bees! Never mind. I am prepared!
She opens a closet and
puts on her riot gear: A bullet-proof vest, a plastic shield, a baton and
a helmet. Then she runs out the school.
EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH
Ms. Li appears at the
entrance.
MS. LI:
Hold it. Don't shoot! I
am Ms. Li the principal of the Laaawwwnnndale …
They start shooting at her. She retreats back into the building.
COMMANDER OF THE SECRET SERVICE:
Stop it! Stop IT! (they
stop shooting) Who started firing?
SECRET SERVICE SNIPER:
It was me sir.
COMMANDER OF THE SECRET SERVICE:
Why agent? Were you out
of your mind!
SECRET SERVICE SNIPER:
Well sir, it was because
the word she said.
COMMANDER OF THE SECRET SERVICE:
What word?
SECRET SERVICE SNIPER:
Laaaaawwwwndale… it sounded
to me like… Mondale.
The other agents gasp and start shooting again.
COMMANDER OF THE SECRET SERVICE:
Stop it! Stop IT! (they
stop shooting) Who is Mondale?
SECRET SERVICE SNIPER:
Mondale, Walter Mondale.
COMMANDER OF THE SECRET SERVICE:
Who?
SECRET SERVICE SNIPER:
He was the Vice-President
of Jimmy Carter, sir!
COMMANDER OF THE SECRET SERVICE:
So?
SECRET SERVICE SNIPER:
And he was Presidential
Candidate in 1984.
COMMANDER OF THE SECRET SERVICE:
So?
SECRET SERVICE SNIPER:
And it is rumoured that
he has got connections with the Illuminati, sir.
The commander gasp, pull out his service revolver and start shooting at the build.
SECRET SERVICE SNIPER:
Sir! Sir! (he stops shooting)
COMMANDER OF THE SECRET SERVICE:
Sorry but you said the *word*.
SECRET SERVICE SNIPER:
What word? Lawndale?
COMMANDER OF THE SECRET SERVICE:
No.
SECRET SERVICE SNIPER:
Mondale?
COMMANDER OF THE SECRET SERVICE:
No.
SECRET SERVICE SNIPER:
Illuminati?
COMMANDER OF THE SECRET SERVICE:
Yes! Fire at once!
Now all are shooting like
mad at the High School
Suddenly a limousine
pulls up. They stop firing. The door opens and President of the United
States of the year 1998 steps out: Bill Clinton.
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CLASS
OF MR. DEMARTINO
Some students and the
Time Squad are peering out the window after they have stopped shooting.
OTTO:
We got a situation here!
What are they doing now?
DARIA:
According to the FBI handbook
on sieges, which was successfully applied in Waco, I think it is now the
time where the good old swat tank comes in handy.
ANDREA:
Cool.
LARRY 3000: (wining)
Waco?!! Noooooo, not again.
The agony!
TUDDRUSSEL: (innocent)
Why would the secret service
turn here up?
JANE:
Yo, I think they are about
to storm the school. I can't believe it: Finally a place I know is attacked
by government, and my video camera is nowhere to be found.
BRITTANY:
Are we going to die now?
MR. DEMARTINO:
I think you should TAKE
the opportunity to enjoy the last minutes with your LOVED-ones.
KEVIN:
Okay then Mr. D.
Kevin grabs Brittany by her hand and they both run off.
MR. DEMARTINO: (shouts
after them)
I MEANT that in a more platonic
WAY!
JODIE: (disgusted)
Now look at those two, worst
then rabbits…
MACK:
Yeah.
Both look at each other, then Mack grabs Jodie by her hand and they both run off.
Before Upchuck can throw in a remark, he gets hit by several objects tossed by the female students of the class.
All of the sudden they
hear the voice of President Bill Clinton spoken trough a megaphone.
EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH
President Clinton is
shown. He speaks with a megaphone to the school. Beside him stands Monica
Lewinsky, in the manner of a suffering Scarlet O'Hara.
PRESIDENT CLINTON:
Hello Lawndale High, I am
President Clinton. I must say that the Lawndale Lions scored pretty well
in the last season. Well done Lawndale Lions! Go, Lawndale Lions go!
But now I have to turn your
attention to a more serious matter:
I do apologize for this
siege. But during the recent hours there were phone calls made from this
school. Objectionable phone calls targeted to a valuable member of my staff:
The intern Miss Monica Lewinsky.
Now, I won't tolerate *any*
*telephonic* *harassment* *of that woman*, Ms. Lewinsky.
VOICE OF TUDDRUSSEL: (smirking
in trance)
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
MS. LEWINSKY: (points
at the window behind Tuddrussel is hiding.)
Mr. President THAT is the
ghastly voice I can never forget.
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CLASS OF MR. DEMARTINO
OTTO, LARRY 3000, DARIA AND
JANE: (in a threatening tone)
T U D D R U S S E L ! !
! !
TUDDRUSSEL: (playing innocent)
What? I wanted to order
a pizza, and suddenly I had the White House on the line.
EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH
Clinton takes of this
jacked and curls up his sleeves.
PRESIDENT CLINTON:
Step aside Monica. I teach
that dirty son of a baboon a lesson he will never forget.
He walks to the entrance.
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CLASS OF MR. DEMARTINO
TUDDRUSSEL:
Hmm, it seems he wants a
fight from man to man. Well all right. Let's get it on!
EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH
Dramatic scene unfolds
like in a western duel, when Bill Clinton and Tuddrussel walk slowly to
each other until they are face to face.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Okay, it is go-time!
PRESIDENT CLINTON:
Okay, go A-squad!
TUDDRUSSEL:
A-squad?… (high-pinched
voice) Aahhh!!!
Tuddrussel gets overwhelmed by dozens members of the secret service, who are armed with police-batons, with which they beat the living daylights out of Tuddrussel.
TUDDRUSSEL:
Ouch! Och! Ohhh! Stop! Mercy!
PRESIDENT CLINTON:
Hey. I said *NO* kicking.
ONE OF THE A-SQUAD MEMBERS:
Oops, sorry Mr. President.
Monica Lewinsky approaches Clinton.
MS. LEWINSKI:
Oh, Mr. President you are
so manly.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: (smiles
at her and put his arm over her shoulder to comfort her.)
Yes, I know, Monica.
MS. LEWINSKI:
Oh, how can I ever repay
you?
PRESIDENT CLINTON:
Well, you can join me smoking
some cigars, which I got as a gift by Fidel Castro.
Both get back into the limousine and drive into the setting sun.
The secret service let go of Tuddrussel.
ONE OF THE A-SQUAD MEMBERS:
And don't do that ever again.
TUDDRUSSEL: (weak)
My apologies to Ms. Lewinsky.
I will never do that again.
All secret service units
pull off from the territory of the Lawndale High.
The students and teachers
come out the school.
Otto, Larry, Daria and Jane
gather around the severe beaten-up Tuddrussel.
TUDDRUSSEL: (weak)
My apologies to Ms. Lewinsky.
I will never do that again.
DARIA:
So what is this Lewinsky-business
about, anyway?
LARRY 3000:
Believe me you don't want
to know.
Unexpectedly an alarm from Larry's robot arm goes on. Larry switches it off.
OTTO:
What was that?
LARRY 3000:
It is my History-*Stability*-Alarm.
It seems this little interlude has inspired Jane to become an artist.
JANE:
Huh? (Jane ponders)
Hey you are right. I feeling so different… so *creative*.
Jane takes out a pencil and a block and starts sketching. The others look behind Jane to see how she is drawing. The wounded Tuddrussel gets up. And peers over Jane's shoulder.
TUDDRUSSEL:
What's this called? "Oops,
I drove over an opossum "?
JANE: (calm and still
sketching)
Yes, this is a driven-over
opossum.
Tuddrussel take a close look, and then gets sick and runs away.
LARRY 3000:
Ah I feel so delighted,
I just experience the making of one of Jane Lane's early works.
OTTO:
Well it seems I was wrong
with my theory that you needed a friend.
JANE:
Yeah. Friends suck! They
steel your boyfriend.
DARIA:
And they catch you in embarrassing
moments.
OTTO:
Yes, but look at Tuddrussel
and Larry, they are both friends although they go on each other nerves.
JANE:
You are right, but you cannot
force friendship, sometimes it is just magic. Just like the Beatles.
DARIA:
Yes. But in the end they
needed a lot of drugs to stand the sight of each other.
LARRY 3000:
(to Daria) How do
you know?
Well it is time for us to
leave. Tuddrussel! Pick up your kidney and come here!
JANE:
Adios amigos.
DARIA:
You are any time welcome
when you want to erase certain members in my society.
OTTO:
Goodbye! Well another mission
accomplished. History is again on tracks.
TUDDRUSSEL: (smirking
in trance)
Lewinsky, he, he, he.
OTTO AND LARRY 3000:
Tud-drus-sel!
A light ball explodes
in front of Daria and Jane, which sends the Time-Squad back to the future.
The two wait until the
flash is gone, and then look at each other.
JANE:
Hey, Daria you realize that
your were before sarcastic without your book.
DARIA:
What? Yes you are right.
(smiles)
I don't need the book I… I… (deadpan) should demand my money back.
I hope I still got the recite.
JANE:
Hey you know what? It seems
Otto was right. I needed a friend and now I found one.
DARIA:
Really?
JANE:
Yes may I introduce to you…
(she
lifts her arm in the air and holds it as if she would put her arm on somebody's
shoulder) … Henrietta.
DARIA:
Oh. (deadpan) Well
we have encounter the miracle of time-travelling, survived a siege of the
Lawndale High and the "materialization " of your new friend. We should
celebrate this: How about pizza?
JANE:
Okay.
DARIA:
And thank you for your treat
Henrietta.
JANE:
Hey!
Daria and Jane smirk at each other.
END
