The Accidental Conqueror
(A bizarre parody of the classic 'Twas the Night before Christmas. You've been warned…)
'Twas the night before Hyne's Day, and all through the land
Not a creature was stirring, neither monster nor man.
Doc Odine watched over the Memorial with care,
To see that no Sorceress would ever leave there.
We thought Esthar's people were snug in their beds,
With thoughts of seclusion dancing in their heads.
So Kiros and Ward and I had a nightcap
And settled our brains for a nice peaceful nap—
When out on the plaza arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
A great cheer arose from Esthar's grateful residents:
"Hurrah for Laguna, our fearless new president!"
Everything happened much faster from there.
I barely had time to get fresh underwear
When the great throng announced, "You should rule the planet!"
I went right along with them, a stupid move, granted.
I now had an escort filled with such glee,
Who told me, as a ruler, I had places to be.
While I suffered from leg cramps the size of a lake,
He gleefully thought of all the lands I'd take.
"To Balamb! To Timber! To Timber and Deling!
And FH and Winhill, we'll claim them with feeling!
From the tops of the mountains, to the depths of the seas,
The great Laguna shall rule each one of these!"
I have to admit, my thoughts were now captured.
I gazed happily about as one who'd been raptured.
A world ruler? Me? Oh, the leg cramps, they burned!
But I'd stopped mad Adel—this glory I'd earned!
My thoughts were shared by the whole human race.
Why, the mayor of FH put a smile on his face!
When I entered the city, he said with great cheer,
"Ah, Laguna! Please take over here!"
In Winhill, the same, as they welcomed me back
And I went to the mansion, my luggage to unpack.
We then went to Deling, great Galbadian city,
Where Caraway sang a warm, welcoming ditty.
I was getting concerned, I was feeling hurried.
Great doubts suddenly loomed in my mind, and I worried.
"Balamb and Timber, will they turn me away?
Surely they will, they won't want me to stay…"
I was quite convinced they'd make me leave.
Occupation by Esthar, could they help but grieve?
But much to my horror, the welcome was great!
They said, "Stay forever from this very date!"
Oh, it only got worse as we traveled the globe,
With each leader's welcome, I felt more like a dope.
I could barely rule one land, I now had them all!
Oh, the leg cramps, they plagued me, how hard I would fall!
But the world's loyal denizens were having none of it.
They said, "Do be our ruler, we're sure you would love it!"
So having fallen prey to weird, loving devotion,
I agreed to be leader. Yes, weirdness in motion.
So now I'm the leader of the whole wide world.
Can't figure it out. My thoughts, how they've swirled.
But it's done, I'm the king, so I shout with all my might,
"Happy Hyne's Day to all, and to all a good night!"
There you have it. The Challenge of the Coven has been answered at last. Who will be foolish enough to follow in my footsteps? Will any dare to e-mail Pierson, Rin, or Refugee and accept the Challenge?
I hope so. That's fun. :)
