Summary:       Buffy has come to some decisions about her relationship with Spike.  But Dawn may have ended the relationship before it had a chance to start. 

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Seeing Spike Through Buffy's Eyes

Chapter 3 – Spike's Farewell

Everyone was seated around the research table at the Magic Box.  It was an all-Scoobie meeting.  Buffy had even called Tara to join.  She had told Tara about her dating Spike.  Tara was honestly happy for Buffy.  She liked Spike.  She knew what he was, but he had helped her once, with her family, when she thought she was a demon.  Tara never forgot that.  And Buffy knew she would want to be a part of this.  No matter what was going on, or not going on, between Tara and Willow, she thought Tara had a right to know.  Together Buffy and Dawn had told everyone about the conversation that had taken place earlier that day. 

"She said what!"  Willow couldn't believe what Buffy had just told them.

"Dawn, I understand you were mad, but how could you?"  Tara just looked at the girl she thought of like a sister.  How could she have used Spike's worst fears against him?

Dawn was still crying.  Hadn't really stopped since explaining this to her sister earlier.  "I'm sorry.  I was angry.  Both Buffy and Spike have been ignoring me for weeks.  Then the thing with Willow."  Dawn cast on eye in the witch's direction.  "And then coming home to find Buffy invisible.  I just snapped.  Unfortunately, Spike happened to be the one around when I exploded." 

"Has anyone checked Spike's crypt?"  Anya looked at the others.  "We are kind of taking it on faith he's not there.  Maybe he's watching TV.  Or maybe he's at Willy's getting drunk.  He does that sometimes when he's upset.  I think your boyfriend may be an alcoholic, Buffy."  Leave it to Anya to state the obvious. 

"You know, I was so upset, I never did go check his crypt.  Xander could you…"  Buffy didn't even finish the sentence before Xander was up and out of his chair.

"On my way.  If he's not there, I'll check Willy's."  Xander wasn't Spike's number one fan, but Dawn had been a bit harsh.  Even he felt sorry for the guy.

"No, if he's not at the crypt, just come back.  I don't want you going to Willy's by yourself."  Buffy was thankful for the help, but putting himself in danger was not what Buffy wanted Xander to do.

"Sure.  No Willy's.  Be back in a flash."  With that, Xander was out the door.

Buffy turned her attention back to her sister.  "Now Dawn, start again from the beginning."

Dawn shifted uncomfortably in her chair.  She did NOT want to go through this again.  Wasn't twice enough?  "Spike came into the house.  I was happy at first.  I thought he was there to see me, check up on the arm and all.  Then he asked if Buffy was there.  I said no, her and Willow had gone to the shop because Buffy had something to talk to Willow and Xander about.  Something that she didn't want me to hear.  Spike tried to tell me it was probably something that involved Rack and you guys didn't want me to worry.  Then I got mad.  I said I wasn't a kid and I had a right to know if something was going on.  That I had earned that right when I got hurt.  Spike said Buffy was just trying to protect me.  That's when I started to lose it.  I told him everyone was doing a bang-up job trying to protect me.  That if Buffy hadn't been preoccupied she would have seen what was going on with Willow before any of this had happened.  And if she had been at the house that night, I wouldn't have gone out with Willow and I wouldn't be hurt.  He muttered something about patrolling, and I said more like spending time with him.  And why was Buffy spending so much time with him anyway.  He looked at me funny, didn't have an answer.  I was so angry, I just got mean." 

Dawn hated the last part of the conversation with Spike.  New tears rolled down her face as she continued.  "I said I didn't know why he was wasting his time hanging around Buffy.  She didn't love him , never could.  He was just another vampire.  Probably the only reason Buffy hadn't staked him yet was that she felt sorry for him.  Then he said he loved Buffy, that's all that mattered.  Then I said ya, you loved her so much you let her die.  All you had to do was stop Doc from cutting me and you couldn't even do that.  I told him he was the reason Buffy had to die, because he was too weak.  I knew he was hurt.  He said he had tried to protect me.  He had made a promise.  I said I didn't need his protection.  Look where his protection had gotten me, pointing to my cast.  I said if it weren't for him, Buffy would be spending more time with me and her friends.  She wouldn't be distracted.  She would have seen what was going on with Willow.  She would have adjusted to being back by now, but he was holding her to her grave.  I told him he wasn't my friend, that he was never my friend.  That he was using me to get to Buffy, but it wasn't going to work.  I told him he was nothing.  That the only man Buffy had ever really loved was Angel, and if Angel had been there that night, he would have saved me.  I just screamed at Spike it was his fault Buffy had died, and that no matter what he did he couldn't change that.  Then I told him to leave.  That we would all be better off if he just left town.  I told him to get out and never come back."  Dawn turned, burying her head in Buffy's shoulder.  She couldn't believe that she had said those things to Spike.  She couldn't believe that he was really gone. 

"Dawn, it's all right.  It's going to be all right."  Buffy ran her hand down her sister's back trying to comfort her.  She wasn't mad at Dawn anymore.  She was mad at herself.  She had let things get way out of control.  Part of what Dawn had said was true.  If Buffy hadn't been so preoccupied trying to fight what was going on between her and Spike, maybe none of this would have happened.

"What I don't understand is why you think Spike really left?"  Willow directed her question at Buffy.  "Buffy, you tell him stuff like that all the time.  Not the your-the-reason-I-died-part, but the leave-now-go-away part.  Why do you think he'd listened to Dawn if he doesn't listen to you?"

"Because Dawn is his friend, Will," Buffy said.  "And she hit a nerve.  All summer he was blaming himself for my death.  He watched over her and you guys because he made a promise to me.  Now his best friend, hell, his only real friend, tells him he was right.  That she blames him too for me dying.  Then she tells him he couldn't even keep the promise he made to the woman he killed.  I know Spike well enough to know that would do him in.  He loves me, but he holds a special place for Dawn that even I can't touch.  He'd believe her.  And she told him to go, he'd go."

"I think you're right, Buffy," Tara said.  "While you were gone, I had a couple of conversations with Spike.  He did blame himself for what happened.  I know a vampire isn't supposed to feel guilty, but he did.  I think that he stuck around trying to make amends for what happened.  And I know that he loves Dawnie too." 

Just then Xander walked back into the Magic Box.  Dawn's head came up from Buffy's shoulders.  She was sure that Spike would be standing behind him.  But he wasn't.

Anya rose from her seat, walking over to give Xander a hug.  "That was quick.  Did you find anything, honey?"

Xander looked over Anya's head, staring straight into Buffy's eyes.  "Wasn't anything to find.  Crypt's empty.  All his clothes are gone.  His books, his videos, his records.  Even took the sheets off the bed.  Looked around for the Desoto, but nothing.  I did find his motorcycle.  He left a note on it.  He gave it to me.  There was also this."  Xander closed the distant between himself and Buffy. 

When he had first come in, she hadn't noticed the box he carried.  Now Xander laid it on the table in front of her.  There was an envelope taped to the top with the word 'Slayer' scrawled on it.  She knew it was goodbye.  Slowly, Buffy lifted the lid of the box.  Inside was Spike's duster.  Buffy quickly closed the lid.  She didn't want to handle the coat she knew would smell of tobacco, vampire, sweat and blood.  That smelled like him.  Instead she opened the envelope, taking out the one sheet of paper inside.  She decided to read the letter aloud.  After all, what secrets did she have from her friends now? 

Buffy,

I know I promised to protect the Nibblet.  I'm sorry I wasn't man enough to keep that promise.  But, then again, you always told me I wasn't a man.  The Bit made me realize I am what's holding you back.  I'm the reason you are where you are right now.  I tried to deny that, but I can't any longer. 

I love you.  I know you don't love me, never will.  I also know my love means nothing to you, much the same way as I mean nothing to you.  And you are right.  I am a soulless monster, a convenience, a stone around your neck.  Without me muddling up the mix, you will be able to concentrate on more important things, like keeping Dawn safe.

Although I know that my promises are never well received, I make a vow to you now.  I will never come for you or yours.  With or without the chip, you are all safe.  I am no longer a threat to you.

And tell the Nibblet I'm sorry.  For everything.  She means the world to me.  I never meant to hurt her.

I ask one favor from you, even though I don't deserve it.  Please pass the following messages on to the Scoobies:

Giles:  I respect you more than any man I have ever known.  You who fight demons of the world's creation and of your own.  A stronger soul has never existed.  Protect her like a father, for you are more her father than the man who shares her blood.

Willow:  Your true power lies in love, not in magic. Your strength comes from those around you.   Thank you for bringing my soul back to this world.  Protect her with your love and be her friend.

Tara:  Always special.  Always human.  Always able to see past the demon to the man.  I may miss you most of all.  Protect her from the Slayer, never let her lose sight of her humanity. 

Anya:  You keep them grounded in this world.  It isn't all about apocalypses, or death, or destruction.  Sometimes the world is about planning weddings, and making money, and living the day to day.  Protect her by teaching her about that world.

Xander:  Your devotion is a reminder of a time long forgotten.  The loyalty of a valiant knight fighting for the queen's honor.  Protect her heart with your suspicions of those that act as friends but would cause her harm.

I will miss you all.

William.

Buffy looked up from the page.  And they thought he was a bloody awful poet?  With eyes run over with tears, she looked at her friends, her sister. 

Dawn's voice was almost a whisper.  "Buffy, what do we do now?"  She was looking at her sister, needing an answer, a direction.

Buffy wiped the tears from her face.  "We don't do anything, Dawnie.  He's gone.  We continue on.  That's life."  She understood that now, more than she ever did before.  People leave.  Whether the just leave town or die, they leave.  And life goes on. 

"But we have to go after him, find him.  I need to apologize."  Dawn grabbed at Buffy's arms.  "You need to bring him back!"  She was almost hysterical.

Buffy took Dawn by the shoulders, shaking her a little.  "And where would you like me to start looking?  It's almost 8 o'clock.  He has close to a six-hour lead on us.  I don't know what direction he went in or where he was heading.  Dawnie, I can't find him for you.  I'm sorry you can't apologize.  Maybe he'll call or write.  Maybe someday he'll come back.  But there is nothing I can do.  You made a mistake I can't fix.  You want to be treated like a grown-up?  Well here's your first lesson: You have to live with the consequences of your actions.  Spike's gone."  Buffy let go of her little sister.  She knew she was rough, probably too rough on her, but she couldn't help it. 

"God, Buf, calm down.  The girl made a mistake.  Easy up a little."  Xander was still standing next to her.  He put his hand on Dawn's shoulder, trying to offer her comfort.

"And what do you want me to say, Xander?  I can't do anything.  He's gone.  Nothing is going to change that.  Maybe he's right.  Maybe things will be easier if he's not here.  I can concentrate on getting my life together."  Buffy was on the edge of depression.  She knew it.  If she didn't put the wall back up, everything would come crashing down.  

"Maybe we could perform a locator spell?"  Tara looked at Willow for agreement.  "Willow and I. We could try it.  We could use his duster as a focal point.  Maybe we can find him."

"No.  No."  Buffy stood up, shaking her head.  "Spike doesn't want to be found.  If he did, he wouldn't have written that letter.  He never would have said those things if he thought he was coming back here.  He never would have appeared that vulnerable to us.  And I'm not going to ask Willow, who is trying to stay away from magik, to use it to find him.  The subject is closed." 

Willow also stood.  She leaned over the table, trying to take Buffy's hand.  "But, Buffy, we can help…"

Buffy pushed the offered hand away.  "NO!  He's GONE!  Just leave it alone, Willow.  It's better this way.  We have more important things to think about right now."  Buffy didn't want this conversation to continue.  It was over.  All the time and energy she had spent.  All the fighting, all the soul-searching.  Worrying how her confession would affect her friends.  If she had just waited one more day, none of them would be looking at her like this.  None of them would know what she lost.  "Come on, Dawn.  Let's go home.  It's getting late." 

Dawn got up from the table, still crying.  She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do.  She turned to the Scoobies, getting hugs from each of them, reassuring words whispered into her ears.  She slowly followed Buffy out the door.

They were half way down the block when Xander stopped them.  "Buffy, wait.  You forgot this!" 

Buffy turned around to see Xander carrying the box that held Spike's duster.  She took it from him, murmuring her thanks.  Her and Dawn continued their walk home.   

---TBC