Summary: Spike has been gone for 4 months. Buffy has moved on with her life. But what kind of life is she living?
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything. But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)
Feedback: As always, appreciated.
Seeing Spike Through Buffy's Eyes Chapter 4 - Being A Grown-UpBuffy turned her head to look at the clock. 4:28AM. 4:28 in the morning and she was no closer to sleep then she had been at midnight. Buffy hated insomnia. Of course, sleeping wasn't something she looked forward to either. When she slept, she dreamt. Dreamt of HIM.
Buffy rolled over onto her stomach, grabbing her pillow, pushing it under her chin. What was she supposed to do now?
Looking back on it, she knew the first night had been the worst. Her and Dawn had walked in silence as they made their way back home. And the silence continued for the rest of the night. They'd avoided each other. Neither wanting to see her own tears reflected in her sister's eyes. They'd picked at the food on their plates during dinner. Soon after Dawn had gone to bed without a word. Buffy had sat on the couch, the television on, but not watching it. Just thinking how screwed up her life was. She debated about going on patrol, but her heart wasn't in it. Willow had come home to find Buffy staring into space. She hadn't bothered her best friend, knowing she was dealing with too much right now to talk.
Sometime after midnight, Buffy had decided she could think just as well lying in bed as sitting on the couch. She walked around the house, turning off lights, still lost in thought. It wasn't until she took the last step upstairs that she heard the crying coming from Dawn's room. Slowly, Buffy had walked over, opening the door. She found Dawn curled in the fetal position, face pushed into the mattress, trying to muffle her sobs. Buffy's heart broke. Yeah, she was confused, but her sister was hurting too. Dawn felt guilty and Buffy hadn't helped lessen that guilt.
Buffy had walked back downstairs and grabbed the box Xander had given her. She made her way back to Dawn's room. She opened the door wider, letting in light from the hall. Dawn had turned to look at her, eyes puffy from crying for hours. Buffy pulled Spike's duster from the box. She crossed the small room to stand in front of Dawn's bed, just looking at her sister for a few moments. Dawn was really the only thing keeping Buffy tied to this earth. She was her family. Buffy laid down next to her sister, pulling Spike's duster over the two of them like a blanket. Dawn had turned to her sister, finding comfort in her presence.
"I feel so lost, Buffy. I miss him. He was my friend." Dawn's words were barely above a whisper.
"IS your friend, Dawn. Spike is your friend. What happened doesn't change that. And I miss him too." Buffy knew they needed to share this pain. The same pain they had shared when their mother had died. The same pain Spike and Dawn had shared when Buffy had died. The pain of loss. Neither one slept much that night. They cried, clutching the duster tight around them for protection.
During the night, Buffy had made some hard decision. With or without the blond vampire, she was going to make a life for herself and her sister. She wasn't going to let Spike's disappearance be another reason for either of them to shut themselves off from the world. As Scarlet had said, "Tomorrow is another day." Buffy knew in the morning their new life would begin. Again.
And it had. Buffy had called Giles, telling him about her feelings for Spike, about the fight between Spike and Dawn, and about his leaving. She had read him the letter, just like she had read it to all the others. She honored Spike's request. She knew she had bombarded Giles with too much information, but she needed to close the chapter. She needed to move on. Giles had been supportive. He told Buffy he was sorry. Although he wasn't fond of the vampire, he knew he had helped all of them while Buffy was gone. He told her he thought Spike was serious about his vow; he wouldn't be back to harm them.
Although Giles didn't say it, he was fascinated by Spike's appraisal of his character. He didn't have a clue as to why, but he promised himself he would live up to Spike's expectations. He would always be there for his girls. Spike was right; Giles was more their father than the man who had left them years ago.
The Slayer and her Watcher talked about other things. Since he was in England, Buffy asked Giles to act as her go-between with the Watcher's Council. Technically, their Slayer was in jail. Buffy was doing a job she no longer had the responsibility to do. If they wanted her to continue living on the Hellmouth, the Council was going to start paying her. She wanted the same treatment as a Watcher: a paycheck, dental and medical coverage, and life insurance to take care of Dawn when she did die again. They could also pay her school tuition. If they didn't like it, she would pack up and move somewhere where they would never find her. They could deal with the vampires and the demons and the apocalypses on their own. She wanted an answer in 30 days.
Giles agreed with Buffy's assessment of the situation. He wasn't sure of the reception he was going to receive when he presented her list of demands, but after the standoff last year over Glory, he was sure they would take her threats seriously.
Buffy also asked Giles to send her any and all research he could find about The Key; it's origins, it's power. She knew there had to be more information out there than what they had found last spring. The mystical energy that made up The Key was too powerful for it to only have one purpose. She wanted to know everything. And she wanted to pass the knowledge on to Dawn. She felt her sister had a right to know.
Again, Giles had agreed. He was somewhat ashamed he hadn't thought of it himself. But with Buffy's death and resurrection, the source and mystical force of The Key had been the farthest thing from his mind.
After hanging up the phone with Giles, Buffy asked Dawn and Willow to help her with her next task. Together they waded through the bills and the paperwork Buffy had neglected for months. They went through the mortgage, the utility bills, and the hospital bills associated with Joyce's surgery and death. They looked through the paperwork the lawyer and Social Services had sent regarding Buffy's guardianship of Dawn. When they didn't understand something, they made a note to come back to it later. They worked on a household budget. Buffy checked the bank statement. By her calculations, they had enough money to keep them a float for two more months. If the Watcher's Council agreed to her terms, things would work. If they didn't, they would sell the house, giving the sisters enough money to relocate.
Once the paperwork was cleaned up, Buffy started a list of things she needed to accomplish in the following few days, then in the following few weeks, then in the following few months. She hadn't been the best student, but she was the Slayer. This was just another problem she needed to attack, but first she needed a plan of action. On Monday, she would sign-up for a driving class at the DMV. She would make appointments to talk to all of Dawn's teachers. She wanted to be brought up to speed on how Dawn was doing in school. Then she would go to Social Services to meet her new caseworker. Better to be on the offensive then the defensive.
The subsequent weeks were a revelation to Buffy. She didn't realize how much her mother had juggled to be a single parent. Some days, Buffy felt she would drown under budgets and schedules and responsibilities, but she knew she was holding her own.
Her new caseworker, Jeremy, at Social Services was a great help. He was willing to give Buffy a little slack as long as he saw some progress, starting with Dawn's school attendance and grades. On the job front, Buffy told him she was waiting to hear from a British firm that had a position open in Sunnydale. She told Jeremy they were negotiating terms. (Anya had been a great help coaching her with business terminology.) When Jeremy asked about the job, Buffy told him it involved research of mystical phenomenon in the area. Having lived in Sunnydale all his life, and knowing the weird things that occurred that no one dared talk about, Jeremy hadn't pressed the issue further.
Buffy also learned to balance her slaying duties with her real life duties. She no longer assumed her friends would cover patrol or watch Dawn when Buffy was patrolling. She scaled back her nights out, not going on patrol every night. She learned how to research, something she had always avoided. Buffy actually had been the one to discover the way to defeat Rack and help Willow control her new heightened magical powers. The answers had been there, lying between the pages of a book. Who would have guessed?
Buffy made sure she spent time with Dawn. She listened to her sister talk about school, boys, her friends and being The Key. Anything and everything that came to Dawn's mind. Buffy helped her work out her feelings concerning Spike's absence. Buffy tried to be a more supportive friend to Willow and Xander. She helped Anya with the wedding and the un-wedding when the two decided to wait.
Even the Watcher's Council fell in line with Buffy's new life-plan. On the thirtieth day, Giles called. The Council had agreed to pay Buffy for her services. They weren't happy about the arrangement, but it would be done. Giles had managed to negotiate a decent salary for her. It would be enough to pay the bills, have some extra for fun stuff and start a college fund for Dawn. He told her the contracts would be sent overnight. She would see her first paycheck in two weeks. She would be given a contact at the Council who would help with any insurance issues and to whom she could send her university bills.
Life settled into a predictable pace. Then, one Saturday, Buffy received a call from department store security at the mall. Dawn had been caught shoplifting. Buffy couldn't believe it. After everything they had been through, Dawn would pull a stunt like that. Buffy had gone down to the store. The head of security explained to her they had been watching Dawn and her friend for weeks. Although they couldn't prove it, they suspected her of stealing other items. Since this was her first offense and since she was underage, they weren't going to call the police, but Dawn was banned from the store.
Buffy hadn't talked to Dawn the entire ride home. She was furious. Once they walked into the house, Buffy let her anger go. What was Dawn thinking? And how long had this been going on? Under the eye of the Slayer, Dawn cracked. She told Buffy how she had started taking things right after their mom had died.
That Monday, Buffy went to talk to Jeremy. She debated all day Sunday whether it was the correct course of action, but she wanted to be honest with the caseworker. If something like this were to happen again, and Jeremy found out Buffy and Dawn hadn't told him, she knew it would only cause more problems. Jeremy had patiently listened to Buffy. He told her had this happened two months ago, it would have jeopardized Buffy's guardianship. But Jeremy had seen a vast improvement in Dawn and in Buffy. He wanted Dawn to see a therapist. Since the stealing had started after Joyce's death, he suspected Dawn had unresolved issues she needed to work out. Maybe talking to an outside party would help.
Dawn had wanted nothing to do with the therapist, but Buffy had told her she had no choice. She was going. Jeremy was giving them another chance to stay together. Reluctantly, Dawn agreed. As her therapy sessions progressed, Dawn found it helpful to talk to someone who wasn't a part of her life. She talked in code when referring to Buffy's slayer duties. But it was for the good.
There was only one thing that didn't fit into the cozy little life Buffy had created – the gaping whole in her heart. Xander, of all people, was the first to bring up the subject of Spike. For his trouble, he received an icy cold stare from the Slayer. She told him in no uncertain terms that that name was not to be mentioned in her presences again. The past was in the past, dead and buried. He might as well be dust for all she cared.
But Buffy did care. She could stop her friends from bringing up the subject, but when she was alone, she couldn't stop herself from thinking about him, wondering where he was, what he was doing. Nighttime was the worst. After the first few months, when her mind wasn't constantly filled with the images of unpaid bills and her mountain of responsibilities, it started to fill with images of him.
Sometimes it was images of the two of them patrolling together. Sometimes it was of the two of them fighting. She dreamt of him before the chip. She dreamt of him after the chip. She dreamt about the quite conversations they had on her back porch steps, and the loud arguments they had in back alleys. Mostly she just saw his face, his crooked smile, and his arching eyebrow. Sometimes she would see him as he was the first night they were together in the abandoned house. His look of total surprise and complete worship. Spike's face would be looming over her, their lips almost touching before a kiss. He would say I love you; I'll never leave you. Then she would wake up clutching a pillow to her chest, grabbing across the sheets for a man who wasn't there.
So what was she supposed to do now? She had made a life for herself and Dawn. She had a steady paycheck; she was keeping up on the bills. She even went out on a few dates. Nothing serious. Guys she met at school or guys Xander knew from work. But no one she felt she could talk to. No one who could understand a Slayer's life. She went to the movies, dinner, the Bronze with her friends, but it wasn't the same. If this was the 'normal' life that Angel had wanted her to have, he could take it back. What fun was normal? Where was the passion? The energy? Spike had driven her crazy, but it was a good kind of crazy.
Buffy looked at the clock again and groaned. Almost 7:00AM. She might as well get up to start the day. Another boring day in Sunnydale. Since when had it become okay to use the words boring and Sunnydale in the same sentence?
---TBC
