Summary: Dawn apologizes. Buffy comes to the end of her rope.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything. But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)
Feedback: As always, appreciated.
Seeing Spike Through Buffy's Eyes Chapter 11 - Conversations with AirBuffy waited in the living room of the Summers' house. It was almost midnight. Soon, Michael would be dropping Dawn off. The two had gone to a party at a friend's house. And even though the party would rage on for hours, Michael promised to have Dawn home before curfew. Buffy smiled. She really did like Michael. Maybe it had to do with his upbringing, maybe it was just part of his DNA, but whatever it was, Michael had a healthly respect for rules. Something Buffy hoped he would pass along to her sister.
Normally, Buffy would leave the two of them alone when they returned home. Curfew for Dawn was not curfew for Michael. Usually, the pair would watch a movie or talk. Buffy knew there was also some kissing action going on, but she let it slide, trusting her younger sister. Dawn and Buffy had a major sex talk at the beginning of the summer. At first Dawn had been hesitant, but she had finally opened up. She told Buffy she wasn't ready for that yet. Buffy told her she believed what Dawn said, but sometimes things happened in the moment. Things that couldn't be taken back. The two had talked for hours about love and lust. Buffy telling Dawn about her first time with Angel, and about the heartbreak she experienced as Parker's one-night-stand. The talk was open, honest and good for both of them. At the end, Buffy told Dawn she was always there for her if she wanted to talk, and if there were things she didn't feel comfortable talking about with Buffy, she hoped Dawn would turn to Tara or Willow for advice.
Buffy was pulled out of her thoughts by the opening of the front door. "And the way she was flirting with Jason! Talk about the uber-slut. I mean – " Dawn was surprised to find Buffy sitting on the couch. She walked into the living room, forgetting about the conversation she was having with Michael. "Buffy! I didn't think you'd be here."
Buffy smiled at her sister. "Sorry to disappoint you. Hi, Michael. How was the party? And who's the slut my sis was talking about?" Buffy scooted over on the couch, making a place for Dawn and her boyfriend.
Michael remained standing as Dawn sat. "Party was great. The slut in question is Rachel Burton. Although, she's really not a slut. Dawn just doesn't like her because she made a pass at me a couple of weeks ago."
"Hence the slut reference." Rachel was not number one on Dawn's list of fantastic people. "She knows the two of us are going out, and she still makes a play for my boyfriend. What would you call her?"
Buffy laughed, giving Michael an apologetic look. "Hate to disappoint you, Michael, but I'm siding with my sister on this one. We Summers women are protective when it comes to our own."
Dawn stuck her tongue out at her boyfriend. "Told ya." Then turned to Buffy, "So, why are you home? Not that I'm disappointed. I just thought you'd be out …" Dawn let the sentence hang. Patrolling and slaying were not topics of discussion around Michael.
"Out during research?" The mystical phenomenon job description Buffy had used with the social worker was a great cover-up. It worked just as well with Michael when explaining her late nights and the absence of a normal job. "Yeah, I know. Something more important came up. Look, I hate to cut the evening short for you two, but I really needed to talk to Dawn. Family stuff. You understand, don't you, Michael?"
"Sure. Not a problem. I could use an early night myself, too much dancing. Night, Buffy." Michael headed towards the door. Dawn followed him. Once they were out of Buffy's sight, Michael leaned in to whisper in Dawn's ear. "I'll call you tomorrow." Finishing his promise with a kiss.
Dawn pulled away from him, a little breathless. "Tomorrow. I had a great time tonight."
Michael smiled. "So did I. I hope everything's okay with your family. If you need something, just call." Michael meant it. He would do anything he could to help Dawn and her sister.
"I will. It's probably nothing. Buffy gets tense about stuff sometimes." Dawn added to herself, stuff like apocalypses, hell-gods, general Big Bads. What was wrong now?
One more kiss, and Michael was gone. Dawn leaned against the closed door. She closed her eyes, letting a perfect feeling wash over her. It was good to be loved. With that thought in mind, she headed back to her sister and the bad news. "Okay, unless Dad has decided to show up out of the blue and wants to drag me to LA, I doubt this is family related, so what's up?" Dawn sat back down on the couch next to Buffy.
"No, no Dad. Haven't heard from him in months, but this does have to do with the family. Our real family." Buffy reached out, grabbing hold of her sister's hand. She wasn't sure how Dawn was going to react. "Remember that feeling of being watched I told you about?"
Dawn looked down at their clasped hands suspiciously. "Sure. But you told me not to worry about it. Did something happen? Did you find out who's been watching you?" When Buffy told her about the Slayer sense thing, Dawn had taken it in stride. She was a little more careful when she went out at night, but things like this happened to them all the time.
"Yeah, I did, although I haven't seen him yet." Buffy caught Dawn's eyes with her own. She needed the connection when she told her. "Dawnie, I think its Spike." Buffy waited for her sister's reaction.
A myriad of emotions played on Dawn's face. Confusion, happiness, pain, love, anger, joy. She finally settled on wonder. She spoke in a whisper. "Spike? Spike's been watching you? He's back in Sunnydale?" Buffy nodded. Dawn jumped up from the couch, wonder instantly turning to frustration. "Where? Where is he? Why isn't he here, in the house? Why is he watching you? Why hasn't he come to talk to me? Why, Buffy, why?" Tears were streaming down Dawn's face.
Buffy pulled her sister back to the couch. She held Dawn protectively in her arms, letting the younger Summers cry on her shoulder. "I don't know, Dawn. I don't know the answer to any of those questions. I can't even prove to you it's him. I haven't seen him with my own eyes. But last night on patrol, it just suddenly made sense. It has to be Spike. I know what he feels like. And he's all around me." Buffy tried to make her sister laugh. "God, I sound like Drusilla when I say things like that."
Dawn's muffled voice challenged her. "Don't ever say that! You are nothing like Drusilla!"
"Shhh. I know. I'm sorry, Dawn. I didn't mean it." Buffy continued to rock her little sister, stroking her long brown hair. They stayed like that until Dawn's tears were under control. Then she gently pushed herself out of Buffy's embrace.
"Sorry. It was just the shock, ya know? I think about him a lot. Think about him coming back. Think about the things I said to him. Buffy, do you think he's staying away because of me?" It was Dawn's greatest fear. Spike left because of her, what if he wasn't coming to Buffy for the same reason?
"No, Dawnie. It's not you. I'm alone all the time. He's had his chance to show himself with no one else around." Buffy placed caring hands on either side of her sister's face. "You know Spike loves you. That's why he took what you said so seriously. But it was just a fight. I fight with him all the time. He doesn't hold grudges. Not when it comes to the people he loves."
Dawn smiled at Buffy's reassuring words. "I still wish I could apologize. I feel terrible for the things I've said. I talk about it in therapy sometimes. But I can't tell the doctor about the fight, not all of it. I can't explain that I hurt a vampire's feelings by accusing him of killing my sister. I don't think she'd understand."
Buffy knew Dawn was right. The therapist's reaction would probably be locking Dawn in a padded cell. "No, you can't talk to the doctor, but what about talking to Spike?" Buffy had an idea. Maybe it would help both Dawn and the watching vampire let go of something that had driven them apart.
"Talk to Spike?" Dawn questioned. "How can I talk to him if he's not here?"
Buffy stood up, motioning for her sister to follow her. She led her outside, to the back porch. "Talk."
Dawn stared at her. "Talk? Talk to who?"
Buffy motioned out into the dark night. "Talk to Spike. Dawnie, he's out there. He's close; I can feel him. He'll hear you. Just apologize to him like he's standing right here in front of you."
Dawn wasn't sure. She would feel stupid talking to the air, but if Buffy was right, maybe this was her chance. Maybe Spike would come back to them if she apologized. It's not like it was the weirdest thing she'd ever done in her life. Tentatively, she reached for Buffy's hand. She began to speak.
"Spike, I know you can hear me. I need to apologize. I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. Well, that's not entirely true. I did mean some of it. My therapist told me everything we say, even the bad stuff, has it's own elements of truth. I was mad at you. Mad because Buffy was spending so much time with you. But I was mad at Buffy too. More than I was at you. I was lonely, and I felt like my sister wasn't there for me. That she didn't care about me anymore. That what she wanted to do was go away, maybe even die again. It hurt. But I couldn't tell her that. I guess I'm as bad as she is sometimes. I can't tell the people I'm angry with I'm angry, so I take it out on you, because I know you can take it. But it was wrong of me to do it."
Dawn stopped for a moment. Buffy squeezed her hand in encouragement. She took a deep breath before continuing. "Spike, I know you love us, both of us. And I know you'll always be there to protect me. You didn't kill Buffy. Buffy sacrificed herself for all of us. If anyone is to blame, it's Glory. She was the reason everything happened. All of you working together, and it still almost wasn't enough to stop her. You did everything you could to save me. No one could have done more. You let Glory torture you to protect us. I don't think I ever thanked you for that, so thank you. Thank you for putting your life before ours." The tears were back in Dawn's eyes, but her voice was strong and steady. "And thank you for being my friend. I said you weren't my friend, but that was a lie. You are my friend and I miss you. If I thought you'd leave, I never would have said those things to you. I used to cry myself to sleep because I missed you so much. Even now, I sleep with your duster sometimes. But I'm sick of living with your memory. I want you here, with us. It's where you belong."
Dawn stopped talking. She looked at Buffy, not knowing what to do next. "He heard you, Dawnie. He's still out there. I can still feel him close by." Buffy saw Dawn's worry and frustration, but she also saw a glimmer of hope.
"What do I do now?" Dawn felt better. Buffy had given her a way to express all the emotions she had been feeling since Spike left. And if Buffy said he was still there, then Dawn knew Spike had heard her apology. It was all she could ask for.
"Now we go inside. You did what you needed to do. It's up to him." Buffy and Dawn went back into the house, slowly closing the door behind them.
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It was over a week since Buffy had talked to the Scoobies and her sister about Spike's return. The gang's research around town about the elusive vamp had been both encouraging and frustrating. Willow and Tara had visited all the butcher shops in the area. Some of them vaguely remembered seeing a man matching Spike's description, but they weren't sure. Xander and Anya had the same experience at the liquor stores. Maybe it was him, maybe not. And it wasn't like they could narrow it down to one place. Spike, if it was him, was hopping all over town. There was no way they could set up a decent stakeout to catch him.
Giles was no help. Buffy had called him several times, leaving messages on his machine. When she questioned him about it, he confessed to being back in New Orleans, but he wouldn't say why. And he was avoiding the subject of Spike all together. Still telling her not to worry about him. The last conversation between them had ended badly. Buffy yelling at Giles that if Spike turned her into a vampire, he was the first one she was coming after.
And Giles wasn't the only one getting the brunt of her anger. Dawn was spending more and more time at Michael's house, trying to avoid her sister's bad temper. Buffy was edgy and moody. Xander refused to help her train, even in the puffy-suit. The last time she hit him, he had nearly gone through the wall. Anya had come running into the training room, telling them to keep it down; she had customers. When she saw Xander lying in a heap on the floor, she rushed to his side. When she questioned Buffy about it, Buffy had snapped at her, telling her to mind her own business. Anya had gone toe-to-toe with the Slayer, reminding her that Xander was her business. Then she ordered Buffy to leave her store. When Willow found out what had happened, she told Buffy to snap out of it, stop being such a bitch. That had started a fight between the two friends which only ended when Tara dragged her girlfriend out of the room.
Buffy's next act of total-non-Buffyness was almost suicidal. She had come across three Lorial demons on her nightly patrol. They were big, strong and ugly. They had razor sharp claws where their fingers should be. Buffy had no business trying to fight them alone, but she had. In her twisted mind she thought if Spike saw her in danger, he might come out of the shadows to help. After several cuts on her arms and body, and several near misses to her throat, she realized she was wrong. But the demons were strong, not fast. She had managed to escape.
So here she was, out patrolling again with her friendly stalker somewhere in the darkness. Buffy was at the end of her rope. She couldn't live like this anymore. She stopped, sitting on the nearest headstone.
"Okay, Spike. I know you're there. I know you're watching me. I know Giles knows you're here. That pretty much sums up everything I know." Buffy had encouraged Dawn to talk to the darkness, but this was the first time she had tried it herself. "I want you to come out right now. You're being ridiculous. We'll go back to the house. I'll make cocoa just the way you like it. Marshmallows and all. We can sit down together and talk about whatever is going on." Buffy waited. Nothing. God, this was embarrassing! Maybe something different. Pleading? "Spike, please. I just want to see you. No, I need to see you. I miss you. Please, come out." Sexy? "We can go to your crypt. I've kept fresh sheets on the bed."
Still nothing. Buffy wasn't frustrated anymore, she was down-right pissed. Nice time was over. The Slayer was taking charge. "Fine. You want to be hide-in-the-shadows guy, that's just peachy with me. You want to watch me? Then I'll give you something to watch. But remember, I'm just playing by your rules. So don't get mad at me when you don't like what you see!"
Buffy stalked out of the cemetery. Big Bad, evil, soulless lurker. I'll make him wish he was dead – again.
Buffy walked through the front door of the Summers' house, still muttering to herself. She slammed the door behind her. The sound making Michael and Dawn jump. They had been listening to music in the living room. Dawn followed her sister into the kitchen, giving Michael an apologetic look over her shoulder as she went. When she caught up with her, Buffy was dialing the telephone.
"Buffy, it's almost eleven. Who are you –" Dawn didn't get to finish. Someone on the other end of the phone answered.
"Hey, Cordy. It's Buffy. I need to talk to Angel. NOW." The Slayer had a plan.
----TBC
