Summary: Dawn's thoughts on the Spike and Buffy thing. A minor discussion about Cassandra.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything. But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)
Feedback: As always, appreciated.
Seeing Spike Through Buffy's Eyes
Chapter 20 – All The Cards on the Table
Dawn woke up to the sounds of yelling, and it made her smile. In a creepy way, it was comforting. Buffy and Spike were in the middle of a monster argument downstairs, but she couldn't make out the words, just the volume. Dawn snuggled deeper under the covers. Buffy and Spike. Spike and Buffy. The two people she loved most in the world. Both downstairs where she could find them if she needed them. Both there to protect her. So she had to put up with a screaming match now and again. They wouldn't be them if they didn't fight.
For most people, living in a house with feuding parental figures would be a strain, but not for Dawn. How many times had she listened to her mom and dad fight? How many days and nights had she heard them lash out at each other with vicious barbs, not caring about the two girls who could hear them from their bedrooms? It should have been the same, but it wasn't. Buffy and Spike fought, physically sometimes, but the anger just didn't seem to come from the same place as the anger of her parents. Towards the end it was apparent even to a little girl that Joyce and Hank Summers had come to hate each other. They couldn't be in the same room without the tension threatening to break them both. But that vibe didn't go with Spike and Buffy. The tension was there, sure, but it was laced with other things. Like one kiss, one tenderness and everything else would dissolve away. Hadn't she seen it at the Bronze? All it took were Buffy's tears to stop the argument between them. Dawn remembered her mom crying on several occasions and it never seemed to stop her dad's verbal assaults.
Not that Dawn was gung-ho about the beat-me, hurt-me, whip-me side of their arguments. Dawn hoped that Buffy's admission of love for Spike would put a stop to that. It was painful to watch the two of them beat on each other. Hiding real problems and unspoken emotions behind fist and fangs. Not the healthiest of relationships. But then, Dawn wasn't a slayer or a vampire. Maybe they needed the physical release as much as they needed the verbal one. Dawn wasn't sure. She knew neither of them had ever thought about it before. It was apparent neither thought about how their actions effected other people. The look on their faces when she came to them with Michael's accusations confirmed it. Sometimes, Buffy and Spike were so lost in their own little world they completely forgot everybody else.
Dawn pulled the covers over her head as the volume rose a few more decibels. Like right now, she thought. Didn't they know she was trying to sleep up here!
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"Christ, Slayer! Would you just drop it." Spike tried once more to exit the kitchen, and was once more stopped by Buffy's tight grip on his arm. He rolled his eyes towards the ceiling. One day, he thought. Can't we have one day, hell one morning, without a bloody argument?
Buffy's eyes were filled with rage and jealousy. "Listen up, Casanova. If you think you're getting out of telling me everything, and I mean everything, about Cassandra, you can think again!" This particular argument had started ten minutes ago, right after Spike had hung up his cell phone.
In truth, the call had been completely innocent. Spike had been in the kitchen waiting for Buffy to come downstairs. She was taking her usual time in the shower. A shower she refused to share with him, claiming she didn't want to wake up Dawn. Uhmp! He'd been bored, so he called Cass to find out about the Saturday night totals. He'd meant to make it a quick call, but talking to Cass always relaxed Spike, and the call went on longer than he intended. It wasn't that he loved Cass. At least, not like he loved Buffy. It was just that, well, his history with Cass was different than his history with the Slayer. For one, he'd never tried to kill Cassandra. And she understood vampires in a way the Slayer probably never would. You made or broke your relationship with Cass by your actions, not the actions of your entire species. Cassandra had always seen him as a man first, a demon second. He was never a soulless, evil creature. To her, Spike was just Spike. And that meant something. But how couldn't explain it to Buffy?
Spike sighed. He closed his eyes for a moment, intent on calming the storm of his emotions. He took a few unneeded breaths before reopening his eyes. Buffy was still plenty mad and still had a death grip on his left arm. Spike brought his right hand up to caress her cheek. His voice back to a normal tone. "I'm in love with you, Slayer." He brushed his thumb across her lower lip. "Somehow, I think I've always been in love with you. I've been waiting for you my entire life." The pressure on his arm lessened. "Leaving you, even when I thought you hated me, was the hardest thing I ever done. And now, knowing my leaving caused you even more pain, it's almost unbearable." Spike tucked Buffy's hair behind her ear. "But I'm not going to tell you everything you want to know, luv. And I never will. Whether it has to do with Cass, or the things I did before I knew you. Some things I'm keeping to myself. You're just going to have to trust me." With that, Spike finally slipped away from Buffy and walked out of the kitchen.
Buffy grabbed the counter for support. A part of her screamed, 'NO! I won't accept that!' But another part of her understood. And it was all because of his stupid eyes. After five years, Buffy finally learned if she really wanted to know what Spike was thinking or feeling, all she had to do was look in his eyes. He couldn't hide anything from her there. And everything he said moments ago had been reflected in them. Love, pain, heartbreak, honesty, trust. He wasn't going to tell her, and a round of kick-the-Spike wasn't going to get her anywhere.
And it went against EVERYTHING in her Slayer nature. The Slayer screamed at her to chase after him, knock him to the ground, beat on him until he told her what she wanted to know. But Willow and Xander's voices danced in her too. The conversation from the night before playing word for word in her head. Especially Willow, "Hitting him when he makes you mad probably wouldn't be the best thing." No, she wouldn't hit him, no matter how much she wanted to.
Buffy walked into the living room, finding Spike sitting on the couch, the remote in his hand as he flipped through channels. She took a seat next to him. Spike's eyes darted to her a few times. She could feel the tension in his body. Probably waiting for the beating, she thought. God, it WAS that bad. Okay, Buffy, she thought. How do 'normal' people handling situations like this? Buffy placed her hand on Spike's, slowly turning it over so she could lace their fingers together. "I trust you. But I don't like walking in to the kitchen, finding my guy on the phone with some girl I don't know, telling her he loves her. Sorry I went all psycho-girlfriend on you, but that's the way it is. Deal." Buffy slowly moved her eyes from their joined hands to his profile. "Now, talk to me."
Spike was also looking down at their intertwined fingers. He squeezed gently, reveling in the fact that he was here with her and that she was calm. He laid his head on the back of the couch. Maybe he did owe her some explanation. Not a play-by-play of his relationship with Cass, but enough so Buffy would know exactly where his heart lay, and that the other woman was in no way a threat to their fragile new beginning. If she was willing to try a different tact, maybe he could too. It was obvious yelling and screaming got them no where. Spike sat up, turning towards Buffy, never letting go of her hand. "What do you want to know?"
Buffy shrugged. Oh, I don't know. Everything!" She sighed as she saw the frustration manifest itself in his eyes. Damn eyes. Let's try it again, Buff. "But I'll settle for less. Is she… pretty?"
The tension slowly melted from Spike's body. "Gorgeous." He leaned closer to Buffy when he felt her stiffen. "To some." He ran his free hand through Buffy's hair. "But she's a brunette with green eyes. Not exactly my type. And she doesn't like to fight demons. Prefers to research. And we both know how bloody boring that can be."
Buffy smiled as Spike's fingers found the back of her neck, applying light pressure to that special spot where she stored all her stress. She could feel her body relaxing at his touch. He was too cute for his own good. "And she's not really strong either. Not Slayer strong. And you like really strong woman."
Spike leaned closer, nuzzling his nose against the side of Buffy's neck. She had that just showered smell. All vanilla and jasmine and something else totally her own. God, he loved the way she smelled! "Definitely like strength. Especially in the legs." He moved their joined hands to her upper thigh. His knuckles sliding higher and higher…
Buffy knew where this was going and it wouldn't help her get the information she wanted. She pushed his hand away. "Stop that. We're talking here." Spike moved their hands, but kept his face buried in her neck. "She's related to Anthony and she works at your bar, right?" She barely heard Spike's mumbled positive reply. "And you love her." It wasn't a question. It was the reason for the entire argument. Buffy had walked into the kitchen as Spike was saying goodbye to Cassandra on the phone. His last words before hanging up had been 'love you too.'
Spike nipped at Buffy's jugular before moving away from her neck. He felt the shudder of pleasure pass through her. He touched his forehead to her. "That's really all you want to know, isn't it?" Buffy barely nodded. "I love her. Like a friend. Like you love the Willow and Xander."
"Yeah, but I've never slept with Willow or Xander." Buffy pushed away from him. Not enough to break the contact of their hands, but just enough to create some distance. He was telling the truth. Buffy knew that. It was the only reason she was still calm. The truth was there, in those damn blue eyes… "You want to explain that?"
Spike at least had the good sense to look a bit ashamed. He could tell her that sex was different for a vampire. He had slept with countless women and had still been faithful to Dru. It was the way things were done. But he knew that explanation wouldn't go over at all. And it would only make her doubt him more in the long run. No, better keep that bit of information to himself. Not that he would ever cheat on Buffy. He knew she wouldn't take infidelity lightly. Just another thing he would have to give up to be with her, but it was all worth it in the end. "I didn't think I would ever see you again. I was starting a new life. I was lonely and Cass was there. I like her. You'd like her too, I think. She has a good head on her shoulders. Both of us were honest from the beginning. I'm not the love of her life, anymore than she is mine. But we understood each other, had a good time. And when it was over, we walked away friends."
"And it IS over, right? Completely over." Buffy was biting on her bottom lip. Spike new relationships scared her. Something having the power to hurt her heart frightened her more than Glory ever had.
Spike gently touched Buffy's cheek again. "Luv, Cass once told me that she was only leasing me, and the lease was up. She knew who owned my heart. Trust me. It's over. While I was still fighting with Ripper about coming back to Sunnydale, she bought the plane ticket. Couldn't wait to pack me up and ship me back to you. She said I was turning into a real grump anyway. Missing you and loving you and all. Wasn't the same anymore."
"So I got you because she was finished with you?" It wasn't malicious. Actually there was a bit of sarcasm in Buffy's words.
Spike pulled Buffy towards him, claiming her with his mouth. Telling her things he could never fully express with words. When they parted, she was gasping for breath. "You always had me, and you know it. Don't be a soddin' idiot, Slayer."
Buffy smiled. "I know. You're totally mine. Just wanted to make sure you knew it too." Buffy pulled Spike back for another mind-blowing kiss. She still had her doubts, but she'd let things go. For now.
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That's how Dawn found them when she came downstairs, cuddled up together on the couch watching TV. She had waited until the argument was over before making her way out of Buffy's bedroom. Just because she was willing to put up with their fights didn't mean she wanted to be caught in the middle of one. But the storm seemed to have passed, and they were back to lovey-dovey land, so it was okay. For now.
She dropped down on the couch next to Buffy. "So, what ya watching?"
Spike looked over Buffy's head to stare at Dawn. "Took you long enough to get up, Nibblet. We've been waiting for hours."
Dawn stared back at the vampire. Okay, he was her friend and he was bonking her sister, but that didn't give him the right to take a fatherly tone with her. "Actually, I've been up for awhile. See, I was rudely awakened by this loud, continuous bellowing coming from downstairs." Spike frowned. Oh yeah, guilt was definitely the weapon of choice. "The next time you two feel like fighting, could you wait til I'm at school or something?"
Spike was about to answer when Buffy bolted straight up out of his arms. He raised an eyebrow as she turned to look at him. "Un, Spike, didn't you say something about taking a shower?"
Spike frowned. What the hell was she talking about now? "Earlier. Earlier, Slayer, I said something about a shower, but you had other ideas, remember?"
Buffy blushed. "Well, uh, now would be a great time for you to do that." She stood up, dragged the vampire off the couch with her and proceeded to maneuver him out of the living room. With a finally shove she said, "So, go do it."
Spike stumbled a bit before regaining his balance. "Slayer, what's your bloody problem this morning?"
Buffy smiled weakly over her shoulder at Dawn, who was looking at Buffy like she had just grown two heads, then she directed her attention back to Spike. Couldn't he take a hint? Buffy sighed loudly as she grabbed his elbow, this time gently leading him out of the room. When they were out of Dawn's line of sight she spoke, her voice a whisper. "I need to have a private conversation with my sister, if that's all right with you."
Now Spike was looking at her like she was the aforementioned two-head creature. "Why didn't you just say so? I'll go read in your room or something."
Buffy was getting agitated. "No, I want you in the shower." Spike continued to look her in confusion. "Look, if you're in my room, you can still hear every word we say." Buffy tugged on his left ear lobe. "Vampire hearing. I know a few walls don't interfere with that. But, if you're in the shower, the water should drown out most of the conversation, right?" Spike nodded. "So, just go take a shower, 'kay?"
There was a pleading tone in Buffy's voice that Spike didn't like. Whatever she wanted to talk to the Nibblet about, obviously she didn't want him to hear. "Is this about sex?" Buffy almost growled. "Never mind. If it is, I don't want to know anyway." He rolled his eyes. "I'll be in the shower if you need me, and I'll take a long one. Alright?"
Buffy let out the breath she had been holding. She stood on her tip-toes to reach his mouth for a tender kiss. "Thank you." She watched as he took the stairs two at a time, mumbling under his breath as he went. When he was gone, she turned back towards the living room. She'd give him a few minutes, then her and Dawn were going to have a long overdue talk about hitting and physical fights and how they were not-of-the-good in normal human relationships.
---TBC
