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Good evening to y'all. I am THE SEAOKNARNAR, and I welcome you to my fic. Is that getting annoying? Should I stop? I just hate to break with tradition. Anyway….

Sorry I've been late posting this. I just have no motivation to type. You see, I first write my story on paper, and then I type it up and revise it as I type.

I'm not allowed online right now, so I can't check to see if anyone reviewed my third chapter. If you did, I thank you. If you didn't, you should have. I think I would even accept flames… Not that I'm suggesting that you flame me, of course.

I promised that I would do this commercial for my friend LotR-Redwall-Obsessive-Child 's fic, Everlasting. It is an interesting story about an OC who meets and falls in love with Legolas, but it has a tragic twist that prevents the two from eternal love. ::sniff:: It's so sad… but good. There, commercial over.

Yeah, well, I think that's been a long enough ramble. Now, on to the fic! If u want a disclaimer, read the first 3 chapters.

~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~

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Enamoured: An Alternate Ending to RotK

*by Seaoknarnar*

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Chapter 4: The Furuk-Hai

After stopping at the tailor's, Merry and Pippin wandered across the Plains of Rohan until they reached the edge of Fangorn Forest.

"Hey Merry," said Pippin, "Let's go visit Treebeard! Since we're over here, we might as well go see him."

"Peregrin Took," said Merry frustratedly, "I told you in the last chapter that we were going to visit him. Do you think we walked all the way over here for FUN?!"

"I'm a Took," replied Pippin, shrugging. "We aren't known for our quick wit."

After that stupid dialogue, the two hobbits walked into the forest. By following a trail of big rooty footprints, the hobbits wandered their way to Treebeard's cave. They were just about to walk in when they heard hideous screams issue from the cave's dark labyrinth of tunnels.

"Treebeard?" Pippin yelled into the cave, "Treebeard, are you all right?"

Treebeard yelled back out, "Is that the hobbits? Come in! You can see what I've been up to since our last rendez-vous."

The hobbits carefully tiptoed into the cave. After tripping on numerous rocks and crevices, they found that they were in a large cavern lit by a huge bonfire in the middle.

Treebeard ambled over to the hobbits. "hey, little dudes, wassup?" he said with a strange accent.

Merry and Pippin looked suspiciously at Treebeard. "Well Treebeard," said Merry, "what have you been doing since we last saw you? You seem…more hasty."

Treebeard responded, "Oh, don't call me Treebeard, that sounds so medieval! Call me Homie T!"

At this point Pippin wanted to run screaming in terror from the cave, and Merry was staring at Homie T with big round eyes.

Homie T the unzipped his costume [A.N: Think Pepsi Twist, or Gandalf/Elrond from ch.2] and revealed himself to be some random elf. Nannus (the head Gondorian FanGirl) ran in and snatched him away back to Gondor.

Merry and Pippin stared at each other, baffled. Neither of them understood the point of that pointless scene.

It was then that the real Treebeard walked in. The hobbits immediately ran behind him to look for his zipper, but they didn't hind one. Once they were assured, they said (in perfect, supernatural unison), "Treebeard! It's you, it's really you! We're so glad to see you!"

Treebeard said (in his unhasty voice), "Well now, little hobbits! Hoom, what's this? A pleasant, unexpected visit I believe, hoom?"

Merry replied, "Well, we were bored so we decided to walk all the way here to see what you were up to."

"Ah, hoom, that's nice. Say, you didn't happen to see a random elf come in, did you? He's my assistant, and I sent him to get some lip gloss, but, hoom, he never came back," inquired Treebeard.

Merry looked at Pippin, and Pippin looked at Merry, and they shrugged. "Nope, haven't seen him," replied Pippin.

"Ah, well, hoom, I was going to fire min anyway," said Treebeard nonchalantly. "His lunch breaks were too long. But come, come, hoom, you must see my project!"

For the first time the hobbits noticed the odd, eager gleam in Treebeard's bulby eyes. They didn't know what to make of it, so they dismissed it as a treeish thing.

All three walked down twisting passage after twisting passage, until they reached another large cavern. This one was brightly lit by those glowy mushrooms (but these were about 100 watts). What they saw inside frightened Merry and Pippin peeless (literally)!

There were about 50 Uruk-hai orcs. But these Uruk-hai were not the slimy, knife wielding, growling, macho Uruk-hai. These orcs were fairly well washed, their hair was brushed and neatly braided, their teeth were brushed and flossed, and they wore cosmetics on their ugly faces. Yup. These were female Uruk-hai, the Furuk-hai! Now the hobbits knew what Treebeard had been up to all this time. There were no Furuk-hai born naturally. So that meant……….!

"You bred female Uruk-hai, Treebeard?!" exclaimed Merry astonishedly. "What in Middle Earth possessed you to do that?! And I don't want to know exactly how you accomplished that, because I'm sure I don't want to hear about it!"

"Hoom, young hobbit, I'll tell you why I bred Furuk-hai. I figured that I could release them on male orc populations and they would make the male orcs docile. However, when I released these 50 on a local orc population, my Furuk-hai slaughtered the males brutally. They proved to be a lot fiercer. So now I keep these 50 with me, because they obey me and because I enjoy their company. I haven't had the company of a female anything in a long, long time. I want you to meet my special favorite." Treebeard then called out to the Furuk-hai, "Oh, Grooda, come Grooda!"

Grooda obediently pranced over. She was about seven feet tall, and she wore pink lipstick, blue eye shadow, and in her hair was an ugly red flower. She also wore a lacy white apron over a frilly pink ballroom gown. She clutched Treebeard's arm like an (ugly) arm trophy, and said (in an ugly voice), "Pray thee little sirs, how fare thee this insubstantial afternoon?"

Pippin felt oddly formal with his response of, "In the drealms of confusion, if you please ma'am."

Treebeard dismissed Grooda, who went back to vacuuming the cavern with all the other Furuks.

Pippin, above the drones of the 50 vacuum cleaners, told Treebeard, "I don't envy your choice of females, Treebeard."

Treebeard was just about to respond as scathingly as a talking tree can respond, when there was a loud, mysterious shout outside the cave door. The shouter shouted, in an unhasty female voice, "Treebeard! Come on out and bring your big, strong Ents with you!" Treebeard said, to the hobbits, "I would recognise that voice after a million millennia! It's Fimbrethil, my Entmaiden sweetheart from all those years ago! The Entwives! They've returned at last! HOOOOOOOOMMMMM!" Treebeard gave a mighty call, and it seemed that at once, all the unhasty Ents hastily ran to gather in the large cavern.

"Ents, lets us travel out to meet the very Entwives we have coveted these long years, hoom!" Treebeard announced in a mighty voice. The Ents were out of there in a flash, leaving Merry and Pippin to find their way back to the entrance of the cave.

They got a little lost on the way, but when they finally found their way and the entrance, it was guarded by what looked like an Ent, though in reality it was an Entwife. Merry and Pippin hadn't realised before that all the Entwives carried….axes.

"Excuse me madam, but would you please allow my companion and me to pass?" Pippin asked with his earlier formality.

"Young'n, you don't wanna be out there when it starts," replied the Entwife with absolutely no formality whatsoever. "I'm here to prevent those fungi from goin' back in this here cave."

Pippin was about to ask, "When what starts?" when Fimbrethil began to speak.

"Ents," began Fimbrethil, "you probably believe that we have returned because we miss you and want to be with you again. If you believe this, you are suckers. We have been away so long we now enjoy each others' company more than the company of our male counterparts. [A.N: They're lesbians] Furthermore, we are here to seek retaliation against you chauvinistic pig-trees!"

All the Entwives pulled their huge murderous loggers' axes from behind their backs.

Fimbrethil gave the signal to begin attacking by leaping at Treebeard and chopping his arm off. [A.N: Is it considered R-rated to describe killing a talking tree in great detail?]

The other Entwives advanced on the unfortunate Ents. Some Ents lost arms or legs to the murderous axes swung with deadly precision. Other, more fortunate Ents immediately lost their heads and were spared the horrors of the battle. The Entwives kept maiming the Ents until they got tired of the cat-and-mouse game. That was when they wheeled in the flame-throwers.

Both hobbits were crying; after all, Treebeard had been one of their good friends. When they could stand it no more they pushed past the Entwife guard and ran out of the cave, to burn alive with the Ents.

After the mass carnage was over, all that remained in the clearing was a pile of ashes and two charred hobbit skulls. Merry and Pippin had made the ultimate sacrifice, all for the sake of friendship.

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Ok, I know, I know, what the heck was I thinking when I wrote the ending? Well actually, I have no idea: this chapter just sort of wrote itself. I thought it was interesting to put in a serious ending, until a certain someone burst out laughing in the end. So now I have no idea what to think.

Next chapter tentative preview:

So, whatever did happen to all the guests from Legolas' wedding? Well, we do know that Saruman sent them to the Dead Marshes. However, we don't know what went on in the Dead Marshes. And also, what exactly did Gimli pickpocket from Legolas? The answer in the next chapter!

Well, that's all I have to say!

~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~

This chapter was brought to you by the letter E and the number 50.