Good evening to y'all. I am THE SEAOKNARNAR, and I welcome you to my fic.

I am SO SORRY for taking so long! First I got writer's block, then I tried writing this chapter but trashed it because it was lousy, then exams came, but now it's summer and I think I need to update.

This is the 2ND TO LAST CHAPTER, in case anyone cares…

A big THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed the last chapter(s)! I think my grand total is some where around 17 now! ::sigh of disappointment::

I'll probably get the last chapter out sometime soon, because I want to wrap up this story ASAP.

Disclaimer: I do not own LotR (or do I? No, jkjk) or any characters associated with it.

~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~

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Enamoured: An Alternate Ending to RotK

*by Seaoknarnar*

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Chapter 6: Mud Orc 2K

After meeting up in Rivendell after the disastrous wedding, Sam and Legolas were walking. And walking. And walking. Then for a change, they walked some more.

"Say Sam," said Legolas to Sam, "where exactly are we walking to? My beautiful feet hurt, and before I develop beautiful blisters, I'd like to know where you're taking us."

"Me?" replied Sam astonishedly. "I thought you were leading!"

Legolas' beautiful jaw dropped. "So all this time, we've been following each other? Then where in Middle Earth are we? And where are we heading?"

The duo sat down on the nearest conveniently placed rock, and pondered the dilemma.

Suddenly, Sam snapped his fat Hobbit fingers, and a light bulb went off above his head. "Ok, Leggy, I got it! I know where we're heading! You've just come from a disastrous failure of a wedding, so you have no girl right now. And I, I have no girl now either—"

"What about that Rosie chick you were going with?" interrupted Leggy.

"I got bored with her," replied Sam snootily. "As I was saying… I got no girl either right now, so that makes us both single. And what are the two most eligible bachelors in Middle Earth—(at this Legolas laughed, and disguised it as a violent cough)—doing single? C'mon, we've got to go pick us up some chicks!"

"Yeah!" chirped Legolas eagerly. "But… where are we going to do that?"

"Hmm… that remains to be a problem," pondered Sam. "Do you know any good places where two hot guys—(Legolas "coughed" again)—could pick up a couple of girls?"

The two sat on the rock and contemplated.

This time it was Legolas' turn to snap his fingers (of course, this time they were slender Elf fingers and not fat Hobbit fingers). "Well," he started, "there was the place in Mirkwood where I met Urwen…this dingy pub were you were likely to come across anyone or anything in all of Middle Earth. I once had a funny encounter with a female Uruk-hai… but what was the name of the pub? Oh yeah, the Mud Orc. But I really don't think that we're going to find two nice girls there— it's more a place where you go to get a one-night stand."

"PERFECT!" Sam roared gleefully. "EXACTLY what I'm looking for! Uh, you do still know the way there, right?"

"Well, I didn't memorize it," replied Legolas. "But I just happen to have a map of the '50 Sleaziest Places in Middle Earth' on me, and I think the Mud Orc is on it." He searched the map for it. "Hmmm, here it is. Wait, there's a big gold star by the name. What does that mean?" He checked the map's key. "Oh, apparently it made the Top 10…"

"Will you shut up about that?" ordered Sam. "The point is, do you know where it is? Can you find it?"

"Well, obviously," boasted Legolas back. "I am and Elf after all, and we are known for our exceptional sense of direction!"

And so the two travelers got up, vainly dusted off their clothes, and headed for the Mud Orc.

***

"Legolas," said Sam to Legolas, "this does not look like the dingy pub you described to me!"

"I agree…" said Legolas, dumbfounded.

After weeks and weeks of arduous travel, Sam and Legolas reached the Mud Orc. Only, the Mud Orc was not exactly as Legolas remembered. It was now…

"A nightclub! It's a nightclub!" Sam squealed. "O Eru, this is even better than I imagined! There's bound to be at least one chick here that I can take home with me!"

"Well, what are we waiting for?" said Legolas eagerly, "Let's go!"

The two quickly walked up to the door, but just as they were about to go through, a big tough arm came out of nowhere, blocking their advancement.

"And where do you two think you're going?" inquired the bouncer.

Legolas replied, "Well,"—he glanced at the bouncer's name tag—, "Dolores," –he winked at Dolores—, "my friend and I were about to enter your fine establishment here. So if you don't mind, we'd really like to pass through this here door."

Dolores curtly replied, "Is your name on the list? If it ain't, I'm afraid I can't let you little boys through." She cracked her knuckles menacingly.

Legolas gave Dolores a 100-watt beautiful smile, and started playing with his hair in a very hypnotic manner. "Oh, Dolores, you should really let us through, you know," he said very beguilingly.

"I-will-let-you-through," Dolores responded, entranced by the light shining off Legolas' beautiful blond hair.

Legolas and Sam swiftly passed through the door, and soon they found themselves in the most outrageous nightclub in Middle Earth. Pulsating techno reverberated off the walls. Disco balls, sparkly streamers, tinsel, and other shiny dangly things hung off the ceiling. Strobe lights strobed the otherwise dark room, and (magically enhanced) confetti fell from the ceiling. Colorful lasers projected patterns across the walls, and numerous bubble machines produced (magically enhanced) bubbles throughout the room. Lit torches were everywhere, emitting their warm glow and comforting heat on the already sweaty and overheated dancers. Sam and Legolas were in heaven.

Two girls wearing skimpy costumes approached the two "eligible bachelors". One of them said, "Hey you two. Is this your first time at Mud Orc 2K?"

Legolas and Sam nodded. The club was almost too much for them to handle, and they both felt overwhelmed.

"Well," said the other, "the bar is to your right, the dancing is right in front of you, obviously, and the other stuff is through that door to your left. I hope to see you both there later," she said, with a suggestive wink. Then the two girls sauntered away.

"Where do we begin?" asked Sam, with his Hobbit eyes all round and wide.

"Well, I think—" Legolas began, but a (unexplainably formed and obviously out of place) conga line separated the two, and before they knew it, they were separated by miles of dancing people.

"Aw shucks," said Sam. "Now how will I ever find him?"

"Him?" said a random onlooker incredulously. "What are you, queer or something?"

"No! I am not queer!" replied Sam waspishly. "My gaffer always said that I was perfectly normal!"

"Ha ha ha," laughed the random onlooker derisively to his random onlooking friends. "The little kid thinks he's normal! Hey little kid, am I normal?" [A.N.: Heehee, Am I Normal! You probably won't get that unless you attend(ed) school in Montgomery County, MD.]

Sam yelled back, "Hey you, I am not a little kid! And I have no idea what the hell you're talking about, you Furuk! So just fuck off!" [A.N: ::gasp:: His gaffer should wash his mouth out with soap!]

Random Onlooker said, "Ok, punk, you and me, here and now! You've scorned my masculinity, and because of my insecurities about myself, I'm going to have to challenge you to a little game!" He whipped out a card table, two folding chairs, a bottle of clear yet glowing liquid, and two shot glasses from behind his back. "The game is called The Binge Game." Both he and Sam sat down in the folding chairs, facing each other across the table. "We each take turns drinking one glass of this potent alcohol here, until one of us passes out. Then he loses, and the other is the winner! It's easier to do than it sounds, trust me."

"What kind of alcohol?" asked Sam inquiringly.

"A mix of turpentine, vodka, and the chemicals in glowsticks," replied the Random Onlooker.

"Seeing as how we have none of those ingredients in Middle Earth, I'll just have to assume the alcohol is safe to drink," said Sam trustingly. "Ok, since I'm older I'll go first." He poured himself a glass of the liquid, then brought the glass to his lips, tipped his head back, and poured the contents down his throat. He felt as if he had just swallowed a hive of angry bees.

"You're…turn…" he choked to the Random Onlooker.

The Random Onlooker did as Sam had just done, and so the game continued in this fashion.

After Sam's 7th glass, he was having trouble keeping his stomach held together, and his throat was already beyond repair. He called to the dolphin, no wait, the moose, no wait, the firetruck, or was it a pink flamingo, "Are you sure you haven't had enough?"

The…whatever it was… shook it's head. Sam poured himself an 8th glass (sloshing liquid all over the table and on to several innocent dancers in the process), feebly brought it to his mouth, tipped his head back, and weakly poured it down his throat.

Whether it had been the poisonous mixture he just drank being to poisonous, or the strobe light being too seizure-inducing, or the pulsating techno being too earsplitting, no one was ever sure. All they knew was that they saw Sam fall out of his folding chair and writhe on the floor, where he was promptly trampled by several dancers.

One of the dancers yelled to the janitor, who swiftly came over with his broom and swept Sam's mutilated carcass over to the side of the room and out a conveniently low open window.

Random Onlooker staggered to his feet, yelled, "HAHA I WON!" at the top of his lungs, then threw up all his vital organs all over the dance floor.

***

Meanwhile, while all this was taking place, Legolas had a fiasco of his own.

Legolas, being the popular Elf he was, immediately got invited on to the dance floor by some pretty Elf wearing a mini-skirt. They began to grind.

While in mid-grind, Legolas happened to look over to the couple on his right. He found himself facing a familiar couple.

Elrond was dirty dancing with Saruman, and looks of sheer bliss were present on each of their faces. But each of their faces looked quite different. Elrond now sported violet dreadlocks, and a lurid heart tattoo on his forehead with a large "S" in the center. Saruman streaked his hair gold, and braided it Jamaican-style, with cute little beads at the end of each braid. He too had a heart tattoo on his forehead, only in the center of this one was an "E". His face was so heavily covered in piercings that he would have been unrecognisable except for the flowing white robes he wore, and the staff held in the crook of one arm.

Legolas stopped grinding completely, and instead turned to face the happy couple.

"Hey honey, look, it's Leggo! Why Leggo, wassssssuuuuupppp? We haven't seen you since the wedding!" Elrond exclaimed dramatically.

"Oh yeah, it's my home dawg Leg-man!" burst out Saruman enthusiastically. "'S up, Leg-dawg?"

"Leg-dawg" looked at Elrond and Saruman suspiciously. "I think your temperatures are 'sup,'" he muttered.

"Wass that, homie-L?" yelled Elrond. "Can't hear you over the killer music!"

"Nothing!" Legolas screamed back. "I just said that it's nice to see both of you!"

As a new tempo started, Saruman yelled, "Oh man, this is the best song! C'mon, L-dawg, join Elly and me!" He got up on a table, then pulled Legolas and Elrond up, and all three of them started doing the Rohan Rumble. (In case you've never seen the Rohan Rumble, and hopefully you haven't, it involves lots of flailing of arms, high-kicking, jumping around in big circles, and picking people up their partners and throwing them really high in to the air.)

As more and more people saw the trio doing the Rumble, more and more people started doing it. Soon the whole establishment was doing the rumble. The walls were creaking, the floor was shaking, and the ceiling started to drop dust.

One clumsy dancer accidentally threw his partner too high. She came down awkwardly, knocked over a torch, and within seconds was on fire. As she frantically tried to brush off the flames, she ignited more and more people around her. Soon everyone and everything were on fire.

Legolas, Saruman, and Elrond were in the middle of the building, standing on a table. When Legolas' beautiful hair caught fire, he started screaming hysterically and jumping around, causing Saruman and Elrond to catch flame.

Through the closed door of the club, Dolores could hear the painful screams of agony that issued from within. She slowly backed away from the door, then started running away as fast as her huge beefy legs could carry her.

***

The next day, all that remained of the nightclub was a charred heap of tinsel (the metal kind that couldn't burn) amidst a wholly burned and ash-y Mirkwood.

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Phew ::wipes sweat off forehead::, I finally wrote that chapter! I never intended to go on so long about the nightclub.

::Passes tissues around to all Legolas fans:: There there, if you're really unhappy, just imagine that Legolas somehow escaped from the rapidly burning nightclub, climbed on Shadowfax's back, and left M-E forever!

Yup, last chapter coming up sometime soon! Here's a preview:

The last chapter. But where has the Ring washed off to? And you know that a swirling vortex opening up to our Earth can not be a good thing. How will the King respond to a bunch of ravenous businesspeople?

Yup, it's shaping up to be a good one!

Again, I am sorry about killing Legolas off so brutally. But it has to be done. EVERYONE MUST DIE!! ::pant pant:: I even have a LotR hit list, and only two names remain now...

Mwahahahahaha!

~$E@0K|\|@R|\|@R~