Summary: Buffy has questions about Spike that she just can't answer. She turns to Angel for help.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything. But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)
Feedback: As always, appreciated.
A Different Point of ViewBuffy had taken the afternoon bus to Los Angeles. Crying on Tara's shoulder had opened the first of many floodgates. Buffy had so many questions, questions that she needed answers to. As she tossed and turned in bed that night, at least one answer became clear. If you wanted to learn more about a vampire, go to his Grand-sire for help.
Buffy's appearance at the Hyperion took everyone by surprise. The Slayer was the last person any of them expected to see.
"Angel, we need to talk." Buffy had ignored everyone else, walking straight to Angel and the baby he cradled in his arms.
"Nice to see you to, Buffy. Oh, me? Doing great. And yourself?' Cordelia was talking to the Slayer's back.
Buffy turned around. She was exhausted and teetering on the edge of sanity. "Cordy, not in the mood for the Queen Bitch routine right now, okay? I have more important things on my mind."
Angel saw Cordelia's face flush with anger. He knew this was not going to end well. Better stop it before it started. "Cordy, calm down. I'm sure that whatever has Buffy acting this way is important. Let it go for now. Buffy, why don't we go into my office?" Angel handed Connor to Fred and ushered the petite blond into his private space.
Once inside the office, Angel closed the door. "Well, that was quite an entrance. What has you so riled you're in LA and acting this way?" He took a seat on the edge of his desk, motioning for Buffy to find a chair.
"I'll give you a hint. An irritating bleach-blond with a crooked smile." Buffy flounced down into the nearest chair.
"Spike. I should have known. What's he done now?" Angel knew that no one, but no one, could get under your skin the way William could.
Buffy hesitated a minute before replying. "He loves me. Or at least, he thinks he loves me." Buffy looked up at Angel through lowered eyelashes. She wasn't sure how he was going to react to that, but she didn't have time to be delicate.
Angel was silent for a moment. "Okay." And that's all he said.
"Okay? I tell you Spike's in love with me, and that's all you have to say on the subject? No yelling, no screaming, no 'that's not possible'. Just, okay?" Not exactly the reaction Buffy had been expecting.
Angel chose his next words carefully. What the hell had been going on in Sunnydale since he left? "Spike's a vampire, Buffy, but he is still part man. He can fall in love. Contrary to whatever Giles has been telling you all these years. I should know. If you say Spike is in love with you, then I say okay. You tell me you're in love with Spike, and that becomes a different conversation."
One question answered in the first 5 minutes. Maybe this wouldn't be as bad as she thought. "Angel, there is so much I need to tell you. So many questions I have." And the floodgates broke again. Buffy started to cry. Her shoulders slumped forward. She buried her face in her hands.
Angel walked to the door, inching it open. "Wes, can you bring me a glass of ice water and a box of tissues? Thanks." Angel stayed close to the door, watching the Slayer cry. He waited for Wesley to bring the items he requested. Once he had them in his possession, he gave them to Buffy. He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder as he knelt before her. "Start from the beginning."
"Angel, you're not going to like all of this." Buffy was wiping the tears from her face. How could she hurt this man before her, this man she loved?
Angel looked at her with concern in his eyes. "Buffy, I already have a good idea where this is going. Look, first and foremost, I'm your friend. I'm here for you. Just talk to me."
Buffy knew Angel was telling the truth. He had the same non-judgmental look that Tara had the night before. This is what she needed. This was the reason she couldn't talk to Willow or Xander. They would have judged her. She didn't need judgment. She needed friendship.
Buffy took a sip of water, then squared her shoulders. "It all started when I found out Dawn was the Key…"
It was hours later when Buffy finished her story. She had told Angel everything about her and Spike and their twisted relationship. His expression never changed. She could sense the different emotions playing through his body, but he never let them show on his face. "And then Tara tells me that I didn't come back wrong. But if I'm not wrong, then why did I let those things happen between Spike and me? Why have I been feeling this way? Something has to be wrong with me. I know it does!"
Angel took a drink from his glass. Buffy still drank water, but he had graduated to Irish whiskey hours ago. He was too old for this. "Buffy, what do you want from me? Why are you here?"
"I need answers, Angel. I need to know what the hell is going on. And you are the only one I can turn to." Buffy didn't need more questions.
"Okay. Okay. I don't think I can give you all the answers you are looking for, but I think that I can give you some incite into Spike and William." Angel knew that there was a difference between the two.
"Spike and William? Like they are two different people? Angel, William died when Drusilla turned him. All that's left now is Spike." Slayer mentality taking over.
"And you know this because you've been a vampire." There was a thread of agitation in Angel's voice. "I was with him from the beginning, Buffy. I know where William ends and Spike begins. Stop looking at him through the eyes of a 16-year-old girl whose only knowledge of vampires is what her Watcher tells her. Giles is good at his job, but he doesn't know everything. The Watcher's Council doesn't know everything. It's not like they've had the opportunity to talk to a vampire. But you have. You know him. And what's messing with your mind more than anything is the contradiction that he is." Angel let that revelation sink in. It was going to be a long night. "I'll tell you everything I know, and a few things that I suspect. And you'll probably leave more confused then when you came. Are you up for that?"
Buffy thought about what Angel said. Is that what her problem was? Was it the contradictions she saw on a daily basis? Was that what was bugging her the most? Only one way to find out. "Shut-up and listen time. I understand."
Angel took a seat behind his desk. "Let me start by reminding you of something – Spike is evil. He has a demon living in his body. Nothing changes that fact. And I'm not happy about what's going on between the two of you. I left so you could have a normal life. But you aren't my girl anymore. You are a woman who needs to make her own choices." Buffy nodded.
"Now, let me give you some history about William before he was turned. Did he ever tell you where he got the name William the Bloody?" Buffy shook her head. "It has nothing to do with being a vampire. His human peers gave it to him because of his bloody awful poetry. And the name Spike? One of the idiots said he would rather have a railroad spike through his head, than listen to William's poetry. Darla, Dru and I watched him for several nights before Dru finally turned him. We saw how he hated his life. He existed on the outside of the group. No one accepted him. Dru, in her own insane way, felt sorry for him. Maybe she felt a kinship because she had been ostracized. Maybe that's why she decided to keep him instead of bleeding him. We took advantage of that. She went to him the same night the woman he loved told him that he was beneath her. The only thing holding William to life was his love for her, and she took that away. In the end, he begged Dru to turn him."
"And the gentleman who wanted the railroad spike through his head, got his wish two nights later. I watched him, Buffy. I watched him give each one of them the physical pain that mirrored the emotional pain they had inflicted upon him. But he never touched the woman he loved. I think her name was Cicely. He wouldn't let Dru go after her either. Even the monster couldn't hurt the woman who once held his heart. So do I believe that Spike loves you? Yes. Without question."
Angel poured himself another whiskey. He raised an eyebrow at Buffy in invitation. She nodded her head yes. He mixed a liberal amount of water in with hers, knowing she didn't usually drink. He handed the glass to her, then sat back down.
"Like I said, I watched him. He wasn't like Darla and me. We hung in the shadows. Spike wanted to be among the people. And it wasn't always for the kill, although some times it did end that way. He wanted to be a part of something. But just like before he was turned, he was on the outside. So instead of moping about it like he did as a human, he used his vampire power to conquer it. I think that's why Slayers hold such a fascination for him. What better way to prove your superiority to humans than to kill the strongest, fastest, best of their race?"
"I remember the night Spike killed his first Slayer. It was his eyes. The town was in total chaos, but he was at such peace, such triumph. Dru said she smelled fear that night. I know that part of the fear was coming from me. William scared me that night. There was something in him, something different that I could never touch."
"Soon after that, the gypsies cursed me, and I lost track of Spike and Dru. Oh, I still heard reports, even in the sewers I lived in. Heard about the terror they spread all through Europe. And I knew why. Spike was William's revenge on the human race. All the people that had hurt him, had pushed him away, had made him feel unimportant. But revenge feeds revenge, Buffy. And with a demon spurring you on, it just grows stronger."
"Why are you telling me this?" Buffy asked. "I know what he's done. That's the reason I feel dirty about whatever is going on between us. He is evil, pure evil. And I'm sleeping with him. I let him hang around my little sister, my friends. I go to him for comfort. What does that say about me?"
"Buffy, I think all his life and his undead life, William has been looking for one thing, acceptance. In a way, you give him that. Acceptance into your world changes him. The revenge that has fed the demon for over 100 years, is pacified."
"All humans have the capacity for good and evil, even with a soul. You know that. I think that when I died, the demon took control of my body, but not my mind. The demon just makes it harder, almost impossible, for the good in me to come out. My soul helps me fight the demon for control of my mind. And it is a fight that I battle every second of every day. Emotions, feelings aren't part of the soul. You know that from school. Emotions are a chemical and electrical by-product of the brain. I think the demon dampens the ability of the brain to create the chemical and electrical combinations needed for a vampire to express and act on the 'good' human emotions. Unless, the demon finds some way those emotions can be of benefit to his survival."
"And what does this mean to me? I just don't see the connection." Buffy was trying to understand, but science had never been her strong suit.
"I think the demon feeds on the emotions of the vampire's victims. Not just the people the vampire kills. Every time someone is frightened. Every time someone is angry. I think that is what keeps the demon alive. We need blood to survive, but the demon needs the bloodlust. I suspect that Spike's chip is interfering with the demons ability to completely control William's brain. And that's why he not only loves you, but those feelings of love are coming to the surface. I think it scares him just as much as it scares you."
"But he loved Drusilla. And that was not in the good way." Buffy's mind was almost there.
"Yes, but that love involved terror and pain and destruction. Again, the demon allowing the emotion to surface so that he could be fed."
"I think I understand. The demon is feeding on the negative energy. Sort of like the way Rack is feeding off of witch energy. But the only negative energy Spike is around is the violence when we patrol. When he's fighting demons. How can that be satisfying the bloodlust?" Buffy knew the answer the minute the question was out of her mouth. That wasn't the only negative energy Spike was exposed to.
"Xander, for one. I'm sure the demon loves any time that Spike spends around Xander. I know how much hatred the boy poured onto me. My demon must have been drowning in it. And Willow, and Giles. A little coming from Tara and Anya, although that's probably fear more than anything. And you? You're a buffet to his demon. You're scared of Spike. You're scared of his feelings for you. You're scared of having feelings for him. You're scared your friends are going to find out. You hate him. You hate yourself. You're confused. You're mad at your friends for bringing you back. And probably a million other things."
"Spike told me that I belong in the shadows with him. That I don't belong in the light with my friends. That I have no place with them anymore," Buffy whispered.
"The demon talking, Buffy. Either you let the demon pull you into the darkness, or you need to pull the demon into the light. Spike wants you; he loves you. You allow him to exist in a small corner of your world. And that world is shadowed with anger and confusion. The demon wants to keep you in that shadow as long as he can. And Spike knows it's the only way he can have you."
"And if I walk away? What happens if I walk away from Spike? What happens if I stay? What happens if I bring him into all of my world?" These were the real questions Buffy needed answered. The same questions she had in Sunnydale.
"Truthfully, I don't know. Buffy, this is all theory. But I am a vampire. I have experienced some of it. I think that if you let William in, if you pull him into the light, you will be helping him in his fight with his demon. If you love him, if you accept him, both man and monster, you'll be giving him a reason to fight. And the more reasons he has, the better his chances. Right now, he has his love for you and Dawn. You may be able to give him more. I know that even with my soul, the more people I love and trust, the more power I have against my demon. No one in the world gives me more power than Connor. If you walk away, you may be spared. He never went after Cicely. But I can't guarantee that. And if the chip fails, even you won't be able to keep Xander safe."
Buffy snickered. No, Xander would be a chipless-Spike's first target. "I don't know if I love him."
Angel gave the Slayer a hard look. "Buffy, I think you know exactly how you feel about Spike. But if you don't love him, then end it now. Send him away or dust him. Using him is wrong; you know that. You told Tara that. From what you've said, you've been living in limbo ever since you came back. You need to make a decision. Everything I've told you has been speculation. But there are a couple of other things that have been bothering me. If you did love Spike – not saying that you do – but if you did, how could you be the first Slayer to ever love a demon. I think you need to tell Giles what's going on. You need to research the past Slayers. Something tells me that there is more out there than what the Council wants you to know. Over 3000 years of written word and there are no accounts of a Slayer's love life? No, not possible. Also, I'd check the prophecies. The Powers That Be have thrown that boy into your lap too many times for it to be a coincidence. Someone has a plan for the two of you. I'd be curious to find out what it is."
"Angel, are giving me your blessing?" Buffy asked with a smile.
"Hell no! I told you up front, I don't like anything that is happening between you and Spike. But I can't make decisions for you. I'll always love you, but I know it's possible to love more than one person in your lifetime." Buffy knew Angel would only say that if something else was going on. Cordelia, maybe? Na, not possible.
"One more thing. I hate to bring this up." Angel wasn't sure he should broach the subject. "Are you sure you were in heaven when you died. Not that I don't think you deserved to be there. But when you hear about people being dead and coming back, they are usually filled with a sense of calm. They are happy to know what the future holds for them. You aren't. Also, you never mention seeing Joyce or Kendra. How could you be in heaven and not see your mother." Angel looked at Buffy's face. Oh boy, he had pushed too far. "Buffy, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you."
"No, Angel. It's okay. You know, I've been so depressed since I came back and so mad at everyone, I never thought about that. If I was in heaven, where was mom? Maybe that's something else I need to talk to Giles about."
"You miss him, don't you?" Angel detected regret in her voice when she had said Giles' name.
"Yeah, I miss him a lot. We all do. You know, all of us come from screwed up families. I think Giles was more of a father to us than just my Watcher. I know that's how I see him. I had mom and Giles. Now both of them are gone." Buffy shrugged off her sadness. "Yeah, that's my life. Remember that normal life you wanted me to have? I don't think that will ever be possible. I'm just not a normal girl. And I'm finally coming to accept that. It's not all bad. I'm the Chosen one – twice dead. I have a witch for a best friend, a Key for a sister, I live on the Hellmouth and maybe, maybe I have a vampire for a boyfriend. Best friend, sister, boyfriend. About as normal as I'm going to get."
"That whole leaving so you could have a normal life looks a little doubtful. I'm happy that you are coming to terms with your life, Buffy. I really am. Hey, in all the rush I never asked you how you got to LA. Did you learn to drive?" Angel knew that their conversation was over, at least for tonight.
"No, I took the bus. It's really late, or early depending on your point of view. Can I crash here? I need to take the bus back tomorrow. I told Dawn I'd only be gone for one night." Buffy stood, following Angel out of the office.
"Sure. We always have a room for you." Angel motioned for Buffy to follow him upstairs. "I'll put you as far away from my room as possible. Connor's crying could wake the dead." Buffy giggled. "That's not what I meant, and you know it. I'm sure that Wes or Gunn would be more than happy to drive you to the bus station in the afternoon." Angel turned to see Buffy standing a few steps behind him.
"Angel, thank you. I really mean it. Thank you. I needed you tonight and you were there for me. I'll never forget that." Angel nodded. They continued their way up the stairs in silence.
------TBC
