Summary: The Scoobies are on a mission to find out more about the past Slayers.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything. But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)
Feedback: As always, appreciated.
Research"What do we know?" Buffy asked as she returned from patrol. She had worked a double shift at Doublemeat, and had gone on patrol straight after. This was the first time she had seen her friends in 24 hours. Yesterday, the box they had been waiting for arrived from England. The Scoobies had started their research.
Willow turned to look at Buffy as she entered the shop. "We know a lot more than we did yesterday. These books that Giles sent are amazing. There is information in here we've never seen about Slayers. Where did he say he found them?"
Buffy took a seat at the research table. "Giles is just as surprised as you, Wills. According to him, there's a black market industry totally dedicated to Slayer history and myth. Once he started looking in the not usual places, he found books everywhere. Books he'd never even heard of. Independent accounts of past Slayers. Information he thinks the Watcher's Council doesn't even have."
"Boot-leg Slayer. It's kinda cool. You have your own underground fan club." The information they found even held Xander's interest. "And this stuff is written much better than those boring diaries of Giles. No offense to the G-man, but he writes just like he talks."
"You guys still haven't told me what you found out. Dawn, why don't you go first." Dawn had asked to help with the research and Buffy had allowed it. Whatever answers they found would influence both their lives.
"Well, the whole lonely Slayer's life theory has been completely blown out of the water. You aren't the first Slayer to have family and friends help with her duties. In one rainforest tribe, when a Slayer was chosen, they looked at it like a blessing to the entire village. Everyone helped her patrol. And even Angel isn't that unusual. I've read about 6 other Slayers that had a Watcher AND a demon guide helping them." Dawn finished with a smile.
"This one book Giles sent is dedicated to the love life of Slayers," Anya cheerfully added.
Xander smirked. "Gave that one to Anya. Knew it would be right up her alley."
Anya glared at Xander for a moment. "According to what I've read, through the years, Slayers have had relationships with all types of creatures. Demons, vampires, humans, men and women –" looking at Willow, "not to mention some who even had romantic liaisons with their Watchers!"
"Ew, gross. Let's not go to the visual." Buffy shuddered. "But they all ended badly, right? That's why the Council frowns on the fraternization?"
Anya continued. "No. Some relationships did end badly, but not as many as you would think. Some Slayers have been killed by their mates, both human and demon. Look at this one." Anya pushed the open book into Buffy's hands. "It was believed that this Russian Slayer, Anastasia, in 1807, was involved in an abusive relationship with her human husband. He beat her so severely, that he finally killed her."
"A Slayer let a man beat on her?" Buffy was confused. Yeah, Spike and her fought all the time, but she gave as good as she got. Actually, most of the time, he was the one who walked away battered and bruised.
"According to the author, Anastasia came from a conservative family. And in those times, a wife was considered property. Her husband could do whatever he wanted to her. Also, because she was so much stronger than he was, she was afraid to defend herself. Afraid she would hurt him. And in past decades woman married at such young ages, that Slayers already had children when they were called. Other Slayers have killed their mates, again both demon and human."
Xander interrupted. "I read one story where a Slayer was involved with a vampire that liked to take mistresses. Whenever she found him with one, she would kill the mistress. Finally, she became so enraged that she staked him in the middle of sex with one of his women."
"Of course, many just died in battle." Anya took the book back from Buffy. "There doesn't seem to be a precise pattern to it."
"So to sum up, Buffy. We've learned that your chances of having a good relationship with anyone are just as likely as any other woman. It doesn't seem to matter what type of creature you get involved with." Willow stated matter-of-factly. "It's a case-by-case kind of thing."
Buffy looked around the table at her friends. "Okay, but why all the mystery? Why didn't Giles know any of this?"
"The last book I was reading was written by an ex-Watcher in 1927. It's like an exposé on the Watcher's Council." Willow was getting more excited as she talked. "According to Alfred Windermere, the council doesn't tell Slayers or Watchers any of this information, because they feel it would make the Slayers less effective. If the girls thought they had a chance of a future, they wouldn't fight as hard. They would run away from the insurmountable circumstances that they sometimes face. They wouldn't resign themselves to the fact that they will die young. Like they would hide from evil so that they could live. Keep them ignorant, and they will sacrifice themselves for the greater good."
Xander shook his head. "I knew those guys from the Council were scum."
"So it's a cover-up?" Buffy asked. "Don't tell them the truth, so they perform better. Make them think they can't have a future, or family, or friends so they will do their job. And God forbid, don't tell them they can have a relationship. And dating at the office is strictly a no-no." Buffy was mad "No instead, let them think there is something wrong with them if they suddenly develop feelings for a demon. Let them think they are the first Slayer in history to have a combustible boyfriend. If I ever see Quentin Travers again, I'm killing him myself."
Dawn walked over to Buffy's seat. She knelt down at her sister's side. "Buffy, what does all this mean to you? What are you going to do about Spike?" Dawn was worried about her sister. Buffy hadn't seen Spike in weeks. The longer she stayed away from him, the grumpier she got. Making everyone's life miserable. Dawn wasn't sure what answers Buffy wanted, but she didn't think this helped.
"Dawnie, I'm not sure." Buffy put her hand on her sister's shoulder. "I was hoping that you guys would give me an emphatic NO. Slayer, vampire, dating, no. It would have made the decision so much easier. I guess I'm in the same place I was yesterday. It's just my decision. Do I trust him enough to date him."
"Let me just say, that I'm still in the no-dead-guys-allowed camp," Xander said. "I don't care what the other Slayers have done. I think that it puts your life in danger."
"But, honey, it's not your decision." Anya understood Xander's position, but sometimes she wondered if it didn't stem from jealousy. "Buffy has to make her own choices. And truthfully, if it effects anyone, I think it only effects her."
"An, I know that. I'm just trying to be the voice of reason. That's all. Like I told Buffy weeks ago, I'm not going to try and stop her. I'm just letting her know how I feel." Xander didn't understand why no one else saw that.
"Anyways, Xan, look at the bright side. If the chip malfunctions, he could kill all of us whether he was with Buffy or not." Willow smiled happily.
"Wills, somehow I fail to see that as a bright side." Xander looked meaningfully at Willow.
Since the exploding light display at the house, Willow was becoming more accepting of Buffy's decision. Buffy wasn't hiding anything from them. She was keeping them in the loop. "What I meant was this way we can keep close tabs on him. He goes all chip-free, Buffy would be the first one to know."
Xander muttered under his breath. "Yeah, she'd know the second he started to suck all the blood from her body."
"Xander, that's enough!" Buffy didn't need this right now. "I've already explained to you, he could do that now if he wanted to. The chip doesn't register me since I came back. And whether I'm with him or not, the next research subject is going to be that chip. I want to find out everything we can about it. Spike has already agreed to let Willow do some scientific stuff. It was even his suggestion we monitor the chip every month, so that we know if the signal starts to weaken."
"Why did he agree to that, Buffy?" Willow had been wondering.
"Spike will agree to anything he thinks will get him into Buffy's bed." Dawn added before her sister could answer.
"Dawnie! I will not have you saying things like that. And it's not true." Even though it was close to what Buffy had said to Spike when he volunteered to be Willow's research monkey, she didn't think her sister should be thinking along those lines. "He wants everyone to feel safe around him, to trust him."
Dawn snorted. "The Big Bad wants everyone to feel safe? Tell us another one."
Buffy squirmed in her chair. Willow jumped to in to save her. "Whatever the reason, he did agree to it and we are going to take advantage of the opportunity. So Buffy, what ARE you going to do?"
Buffy took a deep breath. "Wills, I don't know."
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYy
Buffy's eyes fluttered open as she yawned. A slow Sunday morning – ah, afternoon as she looked at the clock – at the Summer's house. It seemed so normal, so nice. But Buffy knew better. The minute she left her room, the questions would start. And they would begin and end with one word – Spike. It wasn't bad enough she couldn't escape him in her dream world, now that everyone knew what had happened between the two of them, she couldn't escape him in her waking world either. She pushed herself out of bed. Might as well face the firing squad.
Buffy was greeted by Willow's smiling face as she walked into the kitchen. "Not the only one who got a late start today, I see." Willow was also dressed in her pajamas.
Willow laughed. "Couldn't seem to pull myself out of bed. Only reason I'm awake now is because Dawn wanted to tell someone she was leaving. She said she opened the door to your room, but she didn't want to wake you. You never seem to get enough sleep anymore. Are you hungry? I was thinking pancakes, or we could go out for lunch?"
Buffy was still groggy. She was slow to catch everything Willow had said. "Dawn left? Where did she go?"
"Buffy, it's Sunday afternoon? Tutoring? You told her she could have Spike help her with her Shakespeare assignment? Remember?" Willow placed a cup of coffee in front of her sleepy friend.
Gratefully, Buffy grabbed the hot mug. "Tutoring. Oh, God, I forgot." Buffy took a sip of coffee, and nearly choked. "Willow, you don't think she'll tell him about last night do you? I'm not ready to make a decision yet. I can't face him right now!"
Willow knew that Buffy was freaked. "No, Buffy. She won't say anything. We talked about it briefly before she left. She thinks it's up to you to tell him what's going on. Anyway, the two of them made a pact. During their time together, you are a non-subject. No Buffy talk allowed. Dawn says it makes it easier on both of them."
"She didn't tell me that." Buffy brow furrowed. "And all this time, I thought that Spike was just using Dawn's school work to keep a link between us. Can we say totally self-involved much?"
"Okay, same subject, different theme. What are you going to do about Spike? Last night you seemed as confused as ever." Willow was concerned about Buffy. She knew that she had gone to LA to see Angel. She didn't know what they had talked about, but it must have been a powerful conversation. When Buffy had returned, all the Slayer relationship research had started.
Buffy softly beat her head on the kitchen island before answering her best friend. "ARRRRGGH! Wills, I don't know what I'm going to do. Angel told me to do the research, to find out more. Why I'm not sure. It's not like it's helped any."
"Buffy, what exactly did you and Angel talk about?" Willow was curious, too curious for her own good. "I mean, it's not like it's any of my business. Whatever was said between you and Angel has nothing to do with me. I just thought that maybe another perspective could help you figure things out. Not that I want to influence your decision –"
"Wills, babbling again." Buffy did need another opinion. "And I don't mind telling you. I didn't want to say anything until I found out more about the other Slayers, that's all. Let's move this discussion into the living room. And let's skip the pancakes and lunch and go straight for the ice cream."
Willow jumped up from her seat, heading for the freezer. "Ice cream? Oh, this is going to be good!"
A few minutes later the best friends were sitting on the couch, both with a pint of their favorite ice cream and big spoon.
In between bites, Buffy started. "Here's the scoop. Angel totally believes that Spike loves me. No doubt in his mind. He said that love, like all emotions, isn't found in the soul. It's found in the human brain. And he told me that I took enough Biology and Psychology that I should know that. So rationally, can a vampire have emotions? Of course."
Willow nodded. "Makes sense. I guess we never associated good emotions with a vamp, only bad, kill, kill ones."
"Now, wait. I didn't say that love was a good emotion. At least not in most cases." Now Willow was confused. Buffy continued. "I started in the wrong place. Let me backtrack. Angel has a theory. When the soul leaves a human and the vampire demon takes control, whatever is left of the original human being is still in the brain. That's why vampires remember their human lives. And since all emotions come from the brain, the demon can't destroy the good ones and leave the bad ones. But it can suppress the good emotions. Or warp them. Angel said that Spike could love, but look at the way he loves. His passion for Drusilla was anchored in darkness. It was twisted. The demon was using Spike's love for her as a way to satisfy its bloodlust. Am I making any sense?"
Willow swallowed another spoonful of ice cream. "Yes, and I'm becoming more worried by the minute. Should I have let Dawn go to his crypt?"
"Dawn's fine, just let me finish. Believe me, there is way more to this." Buffy took a deep breath. "Okay so we have the twisted Drusilla-love-thing. Now put that on a shelf for the moment. Everything we've been taught about demons comes down to one sentence – Demons bad. But Angel has met all different types of demons. He knows that some demons are good. So there must be something about this demon, the vampire demon, that sways it to the evil side. Angel thinks it's the bloodlust, not just the blood. The fear of the victim, their struggle for life, the guilt they feel before dying, everything. Angel says that those emotions were more powerful than actually drinking the blood. He thinks that's what the demon lives off of."
Willow was beginning to understand. "So the body lives off of the blood. The demon lives off of the bloodlust?"
"And the more a vampire kills, the more he gets a taste for it. We know that Angel still has a demon in his body. He says that his soul gives him an edge fighting it off, but it is still a fight. And when he's angry, the demon tries to escape, to take over. That's way he works to keep himself in check. Angel thinks that Spike's chip has given him an edge over the demon, because he can't hurt humans. So the demon can't satisfy its bloodlust. The closest it comes, is when Spike kills other demons, but it's not the same. The violence is there, but not human emotion."
"So, Spike DOES love you because of the chip." Willow was trying, she really was.
"I don't think it's because of the chip, but it helps. Angel thinks the chip weakens the control the demon has on Spike's human emotions. Like it dampers the damper. Are we okay so far?" Willow nodded. "Now the real problem is us. Since the demon can't feed from the kill, he's feeding off all the negative energy we send Spike's way. Xander's total disgust. Everyone else's fear. And me. A big bull's eye on me. Spike loves me. Let's accept that as fact. But I'm scared. And I've been hiding what's going on between the two of us, feeling ashamed. The demon has been using those emotions to draw power. Fear, guilt, self-loathing. I'm feeding Spike's demon."
"So if you accept the fact that he loves you, and you love him in return, what happens to the demon? It can't die. Angel's demon didn't die." Willow was back to being confused.
"Angel doesn't know. He can only go by his experience. Like I said, even with a soul, Angel continues to fight the demon. But over the years he's learned that the more people he loves, the more people that love him, the easier the battle becomes. He said that no matter what, Spike is evil. We can't ignore that. But, he thinks that all of us can help him keep his demon in check. And, if we start helping him now, he might be strong enough to continue to fight the demon if the chip malfunctions. Angel put it this way. Either I let the demon pull me into the darkness, or we pull the demon into the light."
"And that's why you wanted to know if other Slayers had relationships with vampires. You wanted to see if it had been done before." Willow finally felt like she was on solid ground.
"I wanted to see if Angel's theory had ever been put to the test. Don't feel like being the lab rat in this experiment. And from what you guys found out, I guess it has be done." Buffy's eyes were downcast, looking into the bottom of a now empty ice cream container.
"But you're still not sure, are you?" Willow asked. "It's not Spike's feelings you're doubting, it's your own."
Buffy was beginning to cry. "Wills, Angel said this would be a hard road, a constant struggle. What if I don't love Spike? What if I love him, but it's not enough? Maybe Xander is right, what if I'm putting all of us in danger? I can't take that chance."
Willow put her arm around her best friend's shoulders. "Buffy, I think I can help, a little. We did all the research, but you should read some of those books. There are some first hand accounts, written by the Slayers. You might find a connection there that will help you understand your own feelings. Or at least find someone whose point of view you can relate to."
Buffy gave Willow a weak smile. "Willow that's a great idea. I didn't even think of that. Reading about a Slayer going through the same thing I am would help. No wonder you're my best friend. Dawn will be at Spike's for another couple of hours. Let's get dressed and go to the shop. You can show me the books you were talking about."
Buffy was almost out of the room when Willow's last question stopped her. "Buffy, do you miss him?"
Buffy stopped. She couldn't turn. If she looked at Willow, the tears would start again. She'd been honest with Willow throughout the discussion. Why stop now? "Wills, I miss him so much, I ache. I'm confused and scared and all I want to do is curl up in his lap and cry. I want him to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Or fight with me until I feel like myself again. But I can't do that right now. Because the next time I grab on to him for support, if there is a next time, I won't be able to let go."
Willow watched her best friend disappear up the stairs. Poor Buffy, she thought. She might not admit it to herself, but she had just admitted it to Willow. Buffy was in love with Spike.
---TBC
