Summary:       Buffy is given a glimpse into the true nature of a Slayer. 

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

The First

Over the next couple of weeks, Buffy fell into a routine.  She would wake up in the morning, helping Dawn get ready for school, then she would read until it was time to go to work.  After work, she would patrol, then come home and read until she fell asleep.  On the nights that Spike patrolled for her, she would just come home and continue reading.  Buffy had done more research in the past weeks than the total amount of homework she had done in four years of high school.  And she still didn't have an answer.

Willow had been right about the books, though.  Buffy felt a kinship with the past Slayers.  Not just the fighting, but also the living.  How to balance what you were chosen to do with who you were as a person, wasn't easy.  Add relationships, friendships and family, it became almost impossible.  But each one of the women had tried. 

In the Magic Box, Anya had said there wasn't a pattern to the stories, but Buffy found one.  The Slayers who were involved in good relationships, with man or monster, Slayers who had support from others, lived longer than usual.  Buffy understood that.  Fighting demons was her work, but when someone she cared about was in danger, or when the impending doom was an apocalypse that could end the lives of everyone she knew, Buffy doubled her efforts.  She fought past the point of endurance and logic to save those she loved.  So had these women. 

Their stories were filled with emotion.  Passion and love, anger and betrayal.  It was all there.  In between the pages of these books that the Council didn't want her to see.  The more she read, the angrier she became.  These women weren't just the arm of justice for the Watcher's Council; they were flesh and blood beings with feelings.  Like her, they struggled to find a place for themselves in the world, apart from the evil they battled.  For the first time since being called, Buffy felt like she wasn't alone.  She knew that there were others who understood her, even if they were dead. 

Something else in the books caught Buffy's attention.  At first, she hadn't noticed it.  But after reading several different manuscripts, she started going back over what she had read, making notes.  Trying to find the connection that was nagging at her brain.  Then it hit her.  Not all the stories ended with the death of the Slayer.  Some just stopped in the middle of their lives, around the time they turned 25.  Buffy wasn't sure if that meant something, but it was a strange coincidence, one she was going to discuss with Giles.

Buffy hadn't always wanted to know more about her gift.  She smiled as she thought of the term – gift.  At first to her being the Chosen One was a job, a cross she was meant to bear, but over the years she began to understand that her power was a true gift.  It gave her a special purpose in life that she shared with these other women.  Before the last days with Glory, Buffy had talked to Giles about researching the other Slayer.  That she wanted to learn more about herself.  But the hellgod and Buffy's own death had stopped that.  Maybe now was her time to find the answers she needed.  Maybe now was the time to go back to the desert, to talk to the First Slayer.

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"Giles, I've made a list of the particular stories I'm talking about.  I'll ask Willow to email it to you.  I think there's a pattern, but I'm not sure what it means."  Buffy had called Giles to discuss what she had found in the books.

Giles was intrigued by her findings.  "I can't say that I remember seeing a connection, but then again, I wasn't looking for the information.  Yes, have Willow send me the list.  I'll reread the text, look for clues.  I have several other volumes here that may be of some help.  What exactly have you found?"

Even over the phone, Buffy could hear Giles reaching for a pen and paper.  "I'm not sure.  Most of the stories end in death, and then the calling of a new Slayer.  But some just end.  I mean, turn the last page, the Slayer is still alive.  Then the next story beings."

"It may not be a pattern.  Buffy, remember when we were looking for tales concerning the death of Slayers?  I told you then that information was scarce.  Seeing your Slayer die in battle can be a breaking point.  I know.  Chronicling the specifics of a Slayer's death can be too painful."  For a moment, Giles was back in time, staring at Buffy's broken, lifeless body after she fell through the portal.   

Buffy heard the grief in Giles voice.  She could only imagine the pain he was remembering.  "I know, Giles.  I understand.  But I think this is different.  These Slayers were all about the same age when the stories end.  I don't think that is a coincidence.  Maybe it means something."

Giles knew that Buffy had her own theory.  There was something in her voice.  "Buffy, what do YOU think it means?"

Buffy had been thinking about it for a few days, ever since she recognized the pattern.  "Maybe if you reach a certain age, you get to retire."  It was the only explanation that Buffy had come up with.  She knew it was a long shot, but somewhere deep inside her, it filled her with hope.   

Giles was surprised by her answer.  "I have never heard of a Slayer, um, retiring."  He knew Buffy needed a light at the end of this dark tunnel, but he didn't want her seeing coincidences that weren't there, and reading more into them than was possible.

Buffy sighed.  "And before this, we never heard of a Slayer with a family or friends.  Before Kendra, we never heard of two Slayers being alive at the same time.  Giles, I know it's a long shot, I'm just saying it could be a possibility.  All I'm doing is asking you to look into it."

Giles relented.  He just hoped she was being realistic.  "Of course I will study what you've found.  I just don't want you to be disappointed if nothing comes from it.  I worry about you, you know."

Buffy smiled.  "I know, Giles.  And thank you.  If I'm wrong, no big loss.  Never really counted on having a future anyway.  Just look at the stories, okay?"  The Watcher agreed.  "Now, there's something else I wanted to talk to you about.  I'd like to go back into the desert and speak with the First Slayer.  Do you think I can do that on my own?"

Giles thought for a moment before replying.  For the girl who had to be forced to study a few short years ago, she was becoming quite the willing explorer of knowledge.  "Well, when we went, I had to temporarily give up guardianship of you so that the guide could take you to the sacred place.  Since I'm not there, technically you don't have a Watcher.  You may be able to perform the ritual yourself.  I can tell you what you need to know, but I'm not sure it will work.  May I ask why?"

Buffy was reluctant to explain it to Giles.  She wasn't even sure why she wanted to go herself.  "I've been reading all these stories, making a connection with the women in them.  I want to ask the First Slayer about them.  About the others.  I'm not sure I'll get any answers, but she did help me the first time, even though I didn't know it.  Maybe she can help me now."

Giles voice was full of concern.  "Buffy, I don't think the First Slayer will answer your questions concerning Spike.  That is something you need to do on your own."  A part of Giles thought that this sudden fascination with the past Slayers was Buffy's way of avoiding the real questions in her life. 

"This isn't about Spike!"  Buffy caved.  "Okay, it started out being about Spike, but now it's more about me.  My Slayer research was interrupted.  I want to learn more about who I am.  About the power I possess.  What I'm capable of doing.  I think that she may be able to help."  Buffy next statement was a confession.  "Giles, I still don't feel right inside.  Tara explained about the molecule sunburn, but I think there's more.  Maybe something that we can't detect.  Maybe it doesn't even have anything to do with the spell Willow used to bring me back.  All I know is that I'm not me.  At least, I'm don't feel like I'm all of me.  I feel like I lost something.  Can you understand?"

Giles wasn't sure he understood at all, but he believed her.  "Buffy, who you are makes you more aware of yourself than most people.  Your body is your instrument.  If you think something is out of balance, then I'm inclined to agree.  But I'm not convinced a pilgrimage to the sacred place will help in determining the problem."

"I need to start somewhere.  Tara and Willow have done all the tests they can think of.  I'm not sure what else to do.  If I can find the guide, and if he can lead me to the First Slayer, maybe I can find a new place to start looking."  Buffy wasn't one for spirituality, but something was telling her she would find the answers that she needed in the desert.  "If nothing else, I'll have a nice little vacation." 

"If you are set in doing this, take Tara with you.  She may be the best suited to help you."  Giles knew that once Buffy set her mind to something, there was no talking her out of it.  All he could do was help her find what she was looking for.  "There should still be a map in the Magic Box, if Anya hasn't thrown it away.  And the book with the ritual is also there.  Remember to take the camping gear, you never know how long you'll be out there.  Oh, I almost forgot…" 

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Buffy had been walking for hours.  Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, she thought.  Tara and Buffy had followed Giles map, driving to the same mound of dirt as last time.  At least Buffy thought it looked like the same mound of dirt.  Tara had performed the ritual to release guardianship of Buffy to the guide.  Neither was sure it would work, but it couldn't hurt.  Then Buffy had begun her aimless wandering.  The sun had set, leaving the desert cold.  Buffy was freezing in her light fall jacket, and her feet hurt.  She would have given up ages ago, but she wasn't even sure how to get back to the car.  Finding her bleached bones had been a big joke between her and Giles last time.  It didn't seem so funny now.   

Buffy was so lost in her own thoughts, that at first she didn't notice the fire in the distance.  It was calling to her like a beacon.  Guess I didn't need the guide, she thought.  Once she reached the fire, Buffy sat down on the fallen tree branch opposite the blaze, finding comfort in its warmth.  She wasn't sure when the image of the First Slayer appeared.  

We have been waiting for you, child.  You should have left this plane long ago. 

Buffy watched the ancient warrior through the flames.  "I know.  Death is my gift and all."  Buffy shifted uncomfortably.  "I was sort of brought back.  But the people that brought me back, I think they missed something."

We are shattered.  The whole is broken.     

"Yeah, okay."  Buffy hated the cryptic talk.  She wanted answers, not mumbo-jumbo.  "I need your help.  I think a part of me is missing.  You told me I was full of love, but I don't feel that way anymore."

A part of us is lost.  We are weakened by its absence.

Buffy was frustrated.  She was here to talk about her problems.  Maybe she should have listened to Giles.  "We?  Who is we?" 

We are The Slayer.  We are the Chosen One.

Buffy stood up, taking a step closer to the fire.  "I know that you are the First Slayer; that's why I'm here.  Can you help me?  Help me to understand what's wrong with me?"   

Suddenly, Buffy was no longer standing in front of the fire; she was standing in the middle of it.  She was engulfed by its flames, but she didn't feel the heat.  She remembered the words she had sung months ago – 'This isn't real/my skin should crack and peel/I want the fire back'.  All around her was a sense of calm.  A peace she hadn't felt since being dead.  Fire.  There was something about the fire.  Something she needed to remember. 

Time seemed to stop for her.  She watched as the image of the First Slayer faded.  Buffy began to panic.  She didn't want to be left alone again.  She didn't want to be dead.  But in a heartbeat, she realized she wasn't alone.  Images appeared before her.  Images of thousands of different women.  They were moving so quickly in front of her eyes, they should have been a blur, but Buffy's mind captured each distinctly.  She felt herself connect with each woman.  The word 'sister' formed on Buffy's lips, then was lost in a gasp as she recognized the faces of Kendra, Faith, and herself in the whirlwind before her.  As quickly as it had begun, the kaleidoscope of faces stopped. 

Buffy stumbled backwards, leaning on the fallen tree branch for support.  She felt like her brain was going to explode from information overload.  The sudden loss of the calm and peace left her breathless.  Buffy inhaled deeply, trying to steady her racing heart.  But she was smiling, almost laughing.  Why hadn't she seen it before?  God, the answer was so clear.  Buffy raised her eyes, once again looking through the flames at the warrior.  Awe apparent on her face, her voice only a whisper.  "You are all of us.  We are all the First Slayer."   

There is strength in our number.  The blood that courses through you is the legacy of our power.  We are the Chosen One.  

This was not what Buffy had expected, but it all made sense now.  Just reading the stories of past Slayers, Buffy had felt a connection with them.  She had understood them, understood their lives.  She had felt for the first time she wasn't alone.  Now she knew that she had never really been alone.  She had known the feelings of those women, because she shared some part of herself with them.  They were her sisters.

The Powers have heard our plea to be complete.  A guide will be sent to you.  You, Slayer, control our destiny.              

And with that, the First Slayer was gone.

---TBC