WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!? I MUST BE TOTALLY INSANE! 10000001%! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!??!?! SPIKE KISSING SOME TART MADE ME FREAK! IN THE MIDDLE OF A PUBLIC LIBRARY!?! THIS IS SPIKE!?!? SPIKE?!?! SPIKE MY BEST FRIEND SPIKE!!?!

*Knock knock*

"C'mon in!" Buffy yelled, banging her head against the headboard of her bed a final time.

"Spike?"

Buffy looked up and wearily shook her head – "He's not here, mate."

"Oh'k!" the door slammed behind one of Spike's Art friends. Buffy didn't know his name.

Pull yourself together Buffy. It's a phase – you haven't had a guy in awhile – kinda miss having that feeling – you're JEALOUS of Spike getting a girlfriend, not of the girlfriend getting Spike. Not that you want a girlfriend, you want a boyfriend…

It was long into night before Buffy got some sleep. Even so, she was asleep when Spike snuck in a lot later.

*~*~*~*~~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*

… lunged at the door handle, yanked the door shut, grabbed the bored-looking Buffy's hand and 'legged it'.

Buffy thought of the familiar routine and chided herself.

I'm so stupid – Spike and me have strong friendship rituals, some stupid fling that-is-a-bit-more-than-a-fling could never damage that

It was true that as time had gone on, Spike spent more and more time with Sara. Gone were the days when Buffy and Spike were attached at the hip. People had noticed, but hey, Spike and her still had some stuff that nothing could take away.

Buffy stretched happily and felt the warmth of the sunrays warm her mood. She was feeling much better after her internal pep talk.
 

This is going to be a GOOD day

"C'mon pet, we gotta get to class."

Buffy frowned at Spike's very-awake voice and sat up.

"Spike…you're…awake…and…ready…to go to…class?"

"Don't look so shocked pet – thought I'd betta clean up my act for our last year an all."

"Spike, graduating year is meant to be the one you mess around the MOST in."

"C'mon Slayer."

"How long have you been up?"

"Acoupleofhours."

"A COUPLE OF HOURS?"

"SLAYER – are you or are you not coming – I'm perfectly happy to leave without you."

Buffy tried not to show how her face fell. She just realised what she smelt. Cologne. On. Spike. He was wearing different clothes. His books were all ready. He was practically glowing like a fucking luminous 'I'M HOT' sign in Vegas.

Dressed to impress

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The hall outside their room was filled with the usual mid-class loitering crowd.

Buffy could feel them staring.

She could feel them stare at the change in the pattern of the last three years.

She felt like they could feel how low she felt.

She felt like they could see her eyes stung from unshed tears.

She felt like they could tell she wasn't his 'number one gal' anymore.

She felt like they could tell he was oblivious.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

They made class with three minutes spare.

Professor Guilder looked up momentarily and went back to his work. Then he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion and looked up again.  William and Buffy had just come in. He checked his watch, almost comically. They were 3 minutes early.  He observed the changes. William was not chatting to Buffy as the two friends usually were. Instead, the man's eyes were scanning the room. Buffy looked detached, falsely happy and chatty. Guilder sighed. Buffy and William, though scolded often, were held close in all the professor's hearts. Rarely had such a strong friendship been seen. Their wit together was irresistible to all; you couldn't stay upset at them for long. He wished that whatever misfortune had occurred to cause such a change would disappear. He wished greatly for them to rush in late tomorrow. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Buffy head to her seat at the back of the lecture and slid into it, stacking her books in front of her.

"Hey Buff," Buffy looked up at him and saw he was looking up front again. "I'm gonna sit up front today, ok pet?"

Buffy's world collapsed. He didn't even look at her. He was too busy staring at the front of the room. Buffy didn't have to turn and see who it was. She knew.

"Fuck you, Spike." she whispered, suddenly finding it harder to breathe.

He had heard her. She knew it. He didn't care.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

She spent the whole lesson staring at him. Everyone was looking at her, at him too, but mostly her. She was alone and he was with someone. They didn't understand. Even Guilder seemed to be glancing at her and Spike.

Buffy watched him lean towards her notes. Her hands slapped him away. He grabbed her hand and Buffy watched them still for a few seconds. Staring at each other. He laid her hand on the desk and used a biro in his hand to draw something on her hand.

Buffy did nothing but stare. And when the lesson ended. He stood with her and left with her. Buffy left alone.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A week passed. Spike never sat with Buffy anymore. He left for classes without her and he didn't go slaying with her as often. When they were together, all he could talk about was Sara. More than a fucking fling.

"Miss Summers!"

Buffy turned in the hallway and saw the Dean head towards her.

Is the whole family rooting for Buffy-misery? She stopped and shook her head. No reason to go weird Buffy, Dean Restrepo is actually kinda nice

 "Yes, Sir?"

"Your Professors have started talking to me about your performance in class Miss Summers. They are terribly worried. You really can't afford to slack off too much in final year. You are detached, sometimes not even coming to your lectures, let alone participating. We want to help you, is something wrong?"

He knew what was wrong. He could see it in her eyes. He could see the same in Sara's eyes…without the sadness. His heart broke for the girl before him, but without interfering more than a Dean should, he could not help her.

"I- I'm sorry Dean Restrepo. Some...things have been happening a few problems with friends, family. It's nothing I can't handle. I'll be better after a rest-up weekend."

"I certainly hope so Miss Summers. If you need anything, my door is always open."

"Thanks."

He nodded and turned into his office leaving Buffy in the hallway for a moment, before she walked away.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hello Buffy."

"Hey Giles, How ya doin?"

"I'm doing well, thank you Buffy. How are you and Spike?"

"I'm cool Giles, Spike's great too."

She heard Giles chuckle slightly over the phone.

"What?" she asked

"Buffy, you never call me unless there is a problem of some sort. Spike and I alternate calling each fortnight and that is when you and I speak."

"Oh."

"And on that matter, I didn't receive a telephone call from him last weekend."

Buffy felt a stab of the hurt that had been following her all week. "He's been busy."

"Doing what exactly? I worry about you two you know. He is a target for orthodox vampires."

"I'll get him to call you Giles."

"Buffy, what's wrong?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Hey Spike!" Buffy called out.

"One minute, mate!" Spike waved his hand at his friend and turned back to Sara, "I did the two sketches but Denver wanted the other pieces from the chalk work done next week so I started the research bit, instead of next week so I have next week free for chalk work."

"I already started chalk work, I finished most of my pieces, and I think I'll do one more and I'll have enough, but the two sketches haven't even been started yet and I still have the research bit to do."

"Well, how about we do the research bit now and I'll help you out – then next week you can finish research and do you sketches."

"Great, and I'll give you a hand with your chalk work next week so then our reports should be done at the same time and we can both pass."

"Damn right pet." Spike grinned and kissed Sara's smirking lips.

Buffy watched them giggle and turned away.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hey Buffy." Spike smiled as he entered their room and closed the door. He went in to touch noses but she turned her head away and said….

 "Hi."

"Whoa, what icicle is stuck up your arse pet?"

"Fuck you Spike."

Spike frowned and stared at Buffy. He could read her better than anyone – and he could read pretty clearly that she was pissed and dangerous.

"C'mon pet, we'll go patrollin' and I can help you pound some demon flesh."

Buffy felt her heart melt. She should have been mad. But she barely had any time with Spike anymore and what time she had, she wanted to use wisely. So she sucked up her pride.

"Fine."

Buffy grabbed her jacket and stalked out of the room leaving a raised-eyebrows Spike trailing behind her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"BUFFY!"

**kick**

"SLAYER!"

Spike dusted he vamp he was fighting and rushed to Buffy.

A gang of 10 or so new-in-town vamps had launched themselves at Buffy and Spike. The fight had been on for over an hour since more and more vamps had come to aid the leaders of their 'gang'.

Spike had taken out all but one of them.

Buffy kept pounding at the first one.

For the whole time.

"SLAYER, STAKE HIM!"

Buffy felt wrenching sobs seize her body again and a dull weakness seep into her muscles. It occurred to her that she was no longer fighting. She was being carried. She could smell him. She snuggled close to the familiar scent of cologne-less Spike and drifted into sleep.

Spike gently walked up to their dorm room. He hadn't seen the Slayer like that…for a long time. He knew the last few weeks had been a blur to him, and he wracked his brain for anything he had noticed about Buffy that could have caused her to act like she had.

He couldn't remember much about her from the last few weeks.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Buffy?" Spike stood from the book he was reading from and was at her bedside in seconds.

"Spike……Spike…..?"

"I'm here, pet, wake up."

Buffy groaned at the ache in her muscles. " Why do I ache?"

"An hour of non-stop kicking, and pounding and sobbing will do that to a Slayer."

Buffy remembered.

How the bloody hell am I meant to explain this?

"I'd like an explanation Slayer."

"You think you deserve one?" She said it before she thought.

"I do. I'd like to hear why you think I don't."

"Fuck you, Spike."

She swallowed and stared anywhere but at him.

 "Fuck you to hell, Spike."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sara knocked lightly on the door. She fiddled with the pen in her fingers and smiled when she realised it was Spike's.

Buffy opened the door. "Hello? What idiot is daring to knock on the door at…."

 "One PM?" Sara smiled with her answer and Buffy opened her sleepy eyes.

"Oh."

Sara's smile faltered when the simple word echoed. Buffy's eyes flickered pain and hate before being masked. But Sara had seen it.

"I'll get Spike for you."

"Gracias." Woah…Buffy?...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Buffy, you need to tell Spike."

"Gi--"

"Buffy, for goodness sakes girl, this is not the time to think. You need to face up to it. What's the worst that can happen?"

"You're right Giles."

~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~

It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too

She ran. The doors seemed to open for her. In reality she ran right through them. The people seemed to step out of her way. In reality she moved them out of her way. The Slayer had the highest level of determination she had ever felt and it threatened to spill before she reached its goal. The Slayer was going to get her vampire.

And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

Spike was energised. He had been waiting for this day for the past few weeks. She thought he didn't realise she was getting annoyed with him, but he did. He knew that he would be forgiven after she found out why. It had just been so clear to him, what he wanted he was going to get. Sure, he was immortal, but he could get staked any day of patrol and she was mortal. He was through being careful, unlife was about risks, going for what you want and getting it. Spike was going to get his girl.

Baby I don't understand just why we can't be lovers
Things are getting out of hand

The whole sexual tension thing just wasn't working for her anyway. Spike was hers. She was his. As simple as that. The times she wanted to die. Hated her fate. Didn't want to be the Slayer. The times when he made her live. Lived her fate. Made her proud to be the Slayer. The times he told her that she was the best.

Trying too much but baby we can't win
Let her go; If you want me boy let me know

Buffy ran into the centre of the courtyard and collided with a figure that had been travelling at the same speed as her. She knew it was him before she hit the ground.

"Buffy, you ok?"

She smiled. "Yeah, I'm ok Spike." She furrowed her eyebrows at his heavy breathing and gleaming, darting eyes. Then she smiled and prepared to let her heart pour out its secrets-

"I love you!"

Buffy froze and then double-checked – no she hadn't started talking yet… so... Spike had said…

"I love you and you accept me for who I am. I can't imagine unlife without you and I want to make you mine. Will you marry me?"

Spike looked at her in anticipation.

"Yes." Buffy managed to choke out. "Oh god, yes. I love you so much."

Spike grinned. "You think she'll say that then?"

"Huh?" Buffy shook her head in confusion.

"Sara? Duh. Who did you think I was practicing on you for? Red?"

"What?" Buffy couldn't understand how horribly wrong it had all gone…

Spike rolled his eyes. "Slayer, you are so dense sometimes. Look, I gotta go, I'm late for Sara and this is a very important occasion. Wish me luck, Slayer. I'm goin' all poncy."  With a grin and wink he continued to run. Away.

"SPIKE!"

He slowed and turned on the spot, still jogging. "What is it Slayer?"

Her face showed desperation, it showed need. She had never needed him to read her more than she did right then. For three seconds she let her eyes meet with his and tell him everything.

"What Slayer, I have to go!"

Her insides iced over from that very second. He was so in love…he was blind to her.

"I-uh... I mean…" she smiled and looked down, knowing she couldn't have held it.
 "You wanted luck right?" she looked up and raised her eyebrows.

- Touch noses

- Bump right shoulders.

- Hold an invisible stake to own heart and stake twice.
- Hug.

She wished that hug could go on forever. But she felt rather than saw him pull away, whisper thank you and run.

She fell to her knees and opened her eyes to stare at an empty courtyard. She watched a stray soda can lying in the grass. Her lip trembled. Her breaths came as chokes.

The Slayer cried for losing a vampire.

I am down on my knees; I can't take it any more

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~**~~**~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~**~~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~