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Cazy: Well. What can I say?
P: You've seen Kuch Kuch Hota Hai!?!?! YAY!!! Kajol and Shah are just plain gorgeous together, no one can disagree with me!!  Don't give away what night happen!!! Do you think I've done it ok so far? I know I changed the beginning, but….

A reviewer: Thank you!!
Kelso: Alas, no! Read on!
spykdsocca: very mysterious…….but nice…………..


This is a long one!! Luckily the writers block hasn't kicked in so I'm ok!!!!
Not much B/S but please bear with me, this all does have a point!!!! And please please review – this was hard to write and I'm worried about the turn out!

Song in this episode is 'Goodbye to you' Michelle Branch!   

Lyrics are between these lines: ----  

~~~~~

Time seemed to continue on. Spike tried every force within his reach and some that weren't to find Buffy. All of it was to no avail. She was gone. Willow, Sara and Xander tried to soothe him, but for a long long time, he would not forget her. Spike and Sara moved to Spain, as did Sara's Father.  Xander and Anya were married a year or so after Spike and Sara and soon graced the world with a little girl who was uncannily like her mother. Willow remained single and was often in different parts of the world with her Computer Technology Company. Spike was unaware that the Scoobies continued a relationship with Buffy and they took great pains to keep it that way. Though they strongly urged her to talk to him, she refused. Spike talked to Giles every now and again and life generally carried on.

Sara was for him a blessing. He didn't understand how his years of killing could still allow for him to feel such happiness as he did with her. Though, he missed Buffy, he learnt to live without her as years went by. As did Buffy, but not a day went by when they didn't think of each other. Sara never told Spike that Buffy loved him. It was not her love to declare. A part of her ached for them to be close as they used to be, but she knew it would be like sending Buffy to hell to ask her to talk and laugh and be with Spike knowing she could not BE with him.

Sara too was unaware of Buffy's whearabouts, but in the unusual ways of her father, she guessed that he had an idea. She left it, as things are meant to be left and life went on.

~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~**~*~*

Two years after their graduation. Two years since Buffy left.

Buffy munched on a croissant as she finished the last pile of marking that she had to do. Working as a teacher had seemed painfully unsuited to her personality, but when the bills need to be paid you can do pretty crazy stuff. 

To everyone's surprise she flourished. Her classes were famed for their top grades and happy atmosphere. The kids loved her and the parents loved her in turn. Dawn was doing well, almost insanely happy with the move. Giles was Giles, he insisted on using the substantial sum sent from the Watcher's Council Pension plan to support himself, Buffy and Dawn.

Her friends still tried to get her to talk to Spike, but he was in her past. She didn't want to get herself tangles in things like that anymore. This was her new life and dusty memories had no place it in.

Except in her head.

And her heart.

And her thoughts.

And her dreams.

But that's it.

~~~~~~~~~*********~~~~~~~~~********~~~~~~~~~~~

At this same time, on the 2nd Anniversary of Spike and Sara's marriage, they received a very special gift from Willow. The gift of one child. One night where conception was possible. And they took it. Spike couldn't believe that this was even possible, but it was. Sara's growing belly was proof of that.

Clothes and toys and bottles and hats and gloves and brushes and baby tubs and a pram were all bought. One of their rooms was converted into a nursery and the months leading to the delivery were filled with thankfulness and blessings. Most of all, anticipation. Around seven and a half months Spike started showing classic signs of vampire 'nesting'. Sara was fussed over and kept in the house, his game face was practically ever present and he wouldn't leave Sara alone for longer than a few minutes. She was agitated with the stifling, but his love and intentions were so blatantly adorable, she hadn't the heart to tell him to cut it out.

~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~****~***********

Two weeks before the set birth-date.

"NO!!!!"

Willow grasped at the plain air. The demon was gone. And in its wake was the choice. Revenge against Spike for going against demon kind. Either Sara or the baby. Not both. Couldn't have both. Willow would have to say something.

Cursed.

They were cursed.

So much happiness taken away by a demon with a grudge. Sara or the baby.

Willow fumbled at the door to the hospital room. She had gone to Spike and Sara's home straight from the airport, but they weren't in. One of the maids had told her that Sara had started feeling pangs in her belly and they had had to take her to the hospital. Willow felt bile rise in her throat. Sara or the baby.

Spike smiled as Willow entered the room. Her face was pale, but she still looked beautiful. The redhead hugged him and asked how Sara was. Spike turned to look at the wonderful soul that was his wife. She was sleeping.

"The doctor is going to talk to us in a little while."

"Is it serious?"

"I don't know."

"Where's Peter?"

"He's doing the classic worrying act, its kinda funny watching him go from Dean to Dad every few seconds."

"Where is he?"

"Waiting room."

"Oh."

Spike shrugged and walked to the window. Willow watched as he held his head in his hands, and she saw his shoulders tense as he yet again held back tears of worry. It had been a long time since Sara had been brought to the hospital.

"Hey," Willow's voice was hushed, her hand on his back, "Why don't you go take a walk or get something to eat. I'd like to be with Sara for a bit."

Nodding, he kissed her cheek and left the room, glancing at Sara fleetingly.

Willow took a deep breath and her face deflated with sadness. Tears started streaming down her face and she tried in vain to silence herself.

"Will?"

"Sa-," Willow swallowed the frog in her throat and continued, "Sara!"

"Why were you crying?"

"I…uhm…I was just worried."

"Willow, what's happening to me?"

So Willow told her. And Sara, like the strong woman she was, did not cry. She nodded and sighed. But no tears.

"Well, of course it will be the baby over me. "

Willow bit her lip. She couldn't argue.

"I don't want William to know."

Willow nodded, mute.

"Tell the doctor not to tell him, he must not know. It will kill him if he has to wait for it all to happen."

Willow opened her mouth to protest, but she was cut off.

"I'm sorry Willow, that is what I want. Please respect that."

Again, Willow nodded.

"It's sad to think my baby won't know me."

"Oh, Oh, Sara, she will. We'll tell her all about you…and- " Willow's words were ugly and matted with her regenerated tears. "We'll show her pictures and your paintings and drawings and Sara, Spike, he'll keep you more alive than any of us."

Sara smiled, and nodded.

"I need to sleep."

"I'm sorry."

"No, Willow. Don't be sorry. It is by you that me and Spike are bringing something so special into the world, do not be sorry for our baby's existence."

~**~**~*~**~**~*~*~**~**~*~*~*~~*~**~~*~*

"She's fine, as is the baby."

"Oh, Oh, wow." Spike let out a breath he didn't need and hugged Sara.

"She will have to stay in the hospital, just in case. The baby could come right this second for all we know, and we really need her to be here the second her labour starts."

"Make sure you get the drugs." Anya supplied energetically. "Hallie was a-"

"Ssh, Ahn." Xander, still the goofy man of the group, hushed his wife who shrugged and smiled at Sara.

Willow tried to smile, but the doctor's false hopes were going to have no happy ending, she knew. He thought it was possible to save them both. Willow knew it wasn't. She had tried and tried, but the curse upon Sara was irreversible. The redhead looked towards the mother-to-be and her heart ached as she saw that Sara was smiling with joy and rubbing her tummy, talking about a future that existed in the stars.

~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*

A week of nothing went by. Sara seemed to prefer to sleep a lot, but other times she would be wheeled around the floor, or if she was lucky, outside. She was visited and gossiped to, no one noticing, the surreal way her eyes seemed to be memorising them.

Willow was positively sick. She had been throwing up almost everyday and her heart ached with such force, she felt crippled and cried herself to sleep.

Sara was radiant, glowing in an almost heavenly way as Spike had said.

The world was tilting and Willow knew with some sort of sick sixth sense when Sara would go into labour. Her head turned to the door a few seconds before the nurse walked into the cafe telling them that Sara had just been rushed into the delivery room.

It was all quite fast really, Willow mused, half an hour later.

~*****~*****~********~********~*********~********

"…. she has an indefinite amount of time left. Perhaps another half hour at the most. She is very weak, but she wants to see you. I'm sorry."

Spike froze. His heart felt heavier than it had ever felt in his entire existence. He felt as if all his internal organs were merging into each other and shoving themselves in his head.

He stepped into the room. It was white, the sun streaming across the room and resting across her beautiful face. She smiled at him, her eyes still holding the sparkle he lived for.

"I hate you." The words slipped from his mouth the second he saw her.

"I'm sorry."

He didn't cry. He simply sat on the bed beside her.

"She's beautiful, William. Hold her."

Spike stood and walked to the cradle holding his baby girl. He picked her to his breast and felt her heartbeat move through his body like she was claiming him as her father.

"Her name is Elizabeth."

Spike stilled, he remembered Buffy again. But now was not the time to think of her. He gently put Elizabeth back in the crib and walked back to Sara. Feeling as though her work was done, she laid her head against the pillow and took his hand.

They sat silently together for a minute or so before Spike choked out a half-hearted,

 "I hate you."

And then the tears came.

"Ssh."

He cradled himself against Sara's still-beating body and sobbed. It was an ugly, deformed sound that sounded the utmost of agony. Slowly, the tears held back for the time being and again, they were plunged in silence, his head against her breast, her hands, stroking his hair and blowing gently on his forehead.

 "I love you." He whispered, his voice hoarse.

"And I love you." She smiled and then winced slightly. "I have to tell you some things Spike. Please listen to me. I love you; I've loved you since you made my sketches fall on the floor that day before class. Never believe that you are not worthy. Your vampire days are in your past. You need to believe that you are in the light, Spike, if you want our baby to believe it too. Look after her, make sure she remembers me." She put her fingers over his lips as he started to protest that their child would remember her mother every single day.

"When I found out this would happen, I wrote her some letters. One for each birthday and one for graduation. There are 20 here.  Please give them to her, read them to her, one each year. Let her read them in private when she learns to read and understand. And most of all, Spike, Promise me you will move forward. Forget the demon that did this, it will put poison in your heart and hold you back. Don't hold yourself in the times of just you and me, live and be happy."

"I can't do this without you, Sara."

"Yes, you can. Remember that you are not a monster. I know I will see you again because I know you will come to heaven. I love you."

He kissed her, one last time and she cradled him again, while he cried for her, for the pain. After a little while, he became aware that the heartbeat he had considered his own was no longer there.

He lay there for many hours after that. Clinging to the lifeless body beneath him. Crying, talking, pleading in the vain hope she would come back. When Elizabeth woke, and cried, he went to her. When he held her to his heart that day, he found a new heartbeat to live for.

--Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything
I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that
I tried to hold on to--

~~*~***~*~**~~~~~~*~*~*~*~*~**

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TBC

Please review!!!!!! This was a really hard one to write and it took a lot! I'd really appreciate feeback.