A/N - well if you don't want to know who dies in book five then don't read
this fic you have been warned twice now! Okay well I got the idea when a
friend of mine pointed out no one seemed terribly upset at the persons
death so I wrote this to show just how much Harry misses him and just how
hurt he really is! Review please! Constructive criticism welcome horrible
and nasty comments not!
Not Forgotten There had been no funeral for Sirius; no body so of course there hadn't been a funeral thought Harry bitterly. Sombre had not exactly been an atmosphere lately but a constant state of being. He had not replied to Ron and Hermionie's letters and had only written a short note to Moody once every two days, he didn't want to see them. He wanted to be alone; he wanted to cry as he had not cried before, he wanted to be miserable, because if he smiled he forgot Sirius was dead and if he forgot that he would betray his memory.
Its your fault he's just a memory though isn't it? Your love for being a hero just like Hermionie had said! Except being a hero didn't bring glory or respect it brought pain and hurt. A reward for being a hero is to be hurt. To be a hero is to loose everything and everyone that you love or has loved you, being a hero means you win for others but loose yourself, being a hero isn't being a winner.
He wasn't angry anymore he was bitter. The bitterness could be tasted in his mouth with every forced word that was dragged out of him for a minute every day by his Aunt and Uncle. It wasn't like Harry was deluded enough to believed they cared about him, no, they just cared that he didn't write to Moody and tell him he was being mistreated. Mistreated! That had to be a joke right? He had always been mistreated what was different this time? All part of being a hero!
Hero was just another would for fool wasn't it? Sirius had been a fool Dumbledore had all but said that, he was a fool for coming after you; he was a fool for caring about you, just like Dumbledore had been. People who care always loose, wasn't that what he had said? People who care are so easy to manipulate. Well he was right wasn't he? Voldemort had got it right, so right it was unbelievable, he had gone charging in without a second thought for his safety or his best friends safety. He had never once tried to stop them, habit he supposed it had always been the three of them.
Sirius had done exactly what Harry had done, Hermionie had warned him, Hermionie didn't want to be a hero she wanted to be a winner, but still she had come with him. That's me all right thought Harry too stubborn to listen, too stubborn to believe. Sirius had been a fool too, yet at least he had a reason for being a fool! You were just a fool because you cared. How do you stop caring? Just like Dumbledore had said he did care, he still cared. He cared that Sirius was happy, he cared that he was safe and he cared that Sirius was dead! He cared so much about everything, he cared about the wizards in the order, he cared about all the Weasleys, he cared about Dumbledore, he cared about Luna and Neville and most of all he cared about Hermionie and Ron, did caring now mean you died? Did caring for me mean that you were automatically given a death sentence? Sirius had been, he had been used to lure Harry there and Harry to lure Sirius, caring got you killed, so why did he still care? Was he that selfish that he wanted the people who he loved to die too? Was caring just being selfish?
The circle of thoughts paraded around his head hour upon hour, anger no longer shut out the pain, the pain that was in every thought, every feeling, every action but most of all the pain every memory brought him. Regret laced all his memories, what if I'd done that, what if I'd done this, If I'd of remembered his gift, his connection to me, he wouldn't be dead, he would be alive, breathing, living.
What had Remus said? Sirius would never of forgiven himself if he had not gone that night, but what about me? How can I forgive myself that he did, am I meant to bear the regret for both of us! Was your reckless action to save me really worth it? Was I really worth it? Was it worth the pain that it's causing me? I'd rather of died, I wanted to die, I wanted Dumbledore to kill me, is this the price for your forgiveness of yourself? Instead it is me that is torn with self-loathing, torn with despicable doubt and hatred of myself.
It's a constant struggle for me to breath now, its no longer a reflex, I have to remind myself, because it hurts, it hurts so much to live, to know that its only going to be harder, to know one day I will have to let you go. How horrible he had been to Cho, he understood her constant need to cry now, he did, like a weak child he cried himself to sleep every night, he cried if a memory unbidden rose to the surface of his mind and he cried when he remembered he was gone, really truly remembered and I cry if I forget you because I feel I have betrayed you, I feel I have truly lost you, if I remember you will always be here, even if it hurts you're still here, a little part of you is still here, still with me.
Im loosing myself, I fight so hard each day to keep you here that I forget the others in my life, Hermionie and Ron how worried they must be, but if im alone, they're safe, and I'm safe, I could not loose another person who I love. But I will, I know I will, won't I? It's the price for being a hero; it's always the fucking price! I won't let them die because of me, not like you Sirius do you hear? I won't let them die! You can't take them away from me, not like they've taken you, I won't loose them, and I won't fail them not like I failed you! I can't fail them.
The worst part is not the pain or the bitterness but how much I miss you. You were always there to talk to me and you cared about me. See there's the key to all the mysteries in the bloody screwed up world I live in; caring equals death. You died for me or is it because of me this time? Was I worth the sacrifice you made? I don't think I was!
My first and last thoughts are seeing you die, in my dreams it's replayed, over and over again, yet each time I can't change it, I can never change it, I have to watch, just like I had to the day you died, when you really died! What I'd give to speak to you just once more, to tell you what I never got to tell you when you were here, to tell you that I.that I.lov- loved you. I want to tell you that, please know, please already know, and please believe me.
His throat choked up at this and the usual tears sprung to his eyes. He had not told him, how he admired him for coming back for facing Harry for showing him the truth, how he felt comforted to know that he was there to confide in, how he was the greatest friend he had ever known, how for a few years he had had a parent someone who would reprimand him only to protect him and how much his sacrifice had meant to him and how he respected his need to be a hero. Now he could never tell him, he curled him knees up to his chest hugging them so tightly, rocking slowly back and forth as he sobbed, choking out the odd word.
'Harry' called a weak voice.
'Harry' it grew stronger.
'Harry' it was loud now and it caused him to open his eyes. There grinning was Sirius, his rugged black hair and a smile that touched his eyes.
'Been catching up with your dad Harry' he said beaming 'they both send their love.'
Harry felt his throat tighten another trick by Voldemort, didn't he know that Sirius's death had pulled him apart that he didn't need messing with anymore, but then again he proberly wants to push me over the edge! But stop using Sirius you bastard, this is not real, it can't be real people don't come back from the dead, Sirius would have moved on!
'Your not real!' Harry shouted 'YOUR NOT SIRIUS!' He collapsed sobbing on the floor! 'Sirius is dead, you can't be real, you just can't be real! I've finally gone mad have I?' cried Harry 'you just can't be real, I want you to be real, but you can't be! He's-he's de-dead!' Harry could not speak anymore his body shook violently with anger and tears.
His brow creased and frowned 'But I am here Harry' He spread out his arms 'I'm here because of this'.
'Please leave me alone, please...' Harry sobbed 'I can't take this.please just leave me alone.Voldemort please.God please just get out of my head!'
Harry I haven't got long' Sirius said a note of pleading in his voice now 'believe its me Harry, let me help you please'
Harry looked up, taking a shuddering breath he answered 'okay I believe you, why not? You hearing this Voldemort. you don't get me this easy. You can't make me stop fighting to kill you, I'm going to get you, you here, I'll get you for killing Sirius right after I kill the whore who was following your orders!' He stood angry now, fists clenched.
'Your mother would not approve of that language Harry!' Sirius smirked 'But that's more like it, you know how many rules I'm breaking to come here? These are cosmic rules too!' he grinned 'Old habits die hard eh Harry?'
Harry allowed a ghost of a smile cross his face 'If you're really Sirius stay, please don't leave me again' Harry was loosing the battle of control, his anger ebbing away more quickly, fighting for it to return, how easy it would be to just give in to believe this was truly him, he had to fight it, but he couldn't, he had not caused him any harm, he wanted to help to protect, two more Sirius like qualities Harry did not know.
'I can't, I wish I could but I can't' Sirius replied sadly. Please believe me Harry, believe in me, I know how hard this must be, but its only going to get harder for you, how he wanted to come back to protect him to pull him through, to protect him from harm. He couldn't though, he had used his chance, and he had chosen to die to protect the boy who was in front of him now.
Harry let a tear run down his cheek 'Go then!' he spat out 'Go and leave me again!' Didn't he understand how much this was hurting, how much this was tearing him apart.
'That's not fair Harry' Sirius said calmly 'You know if it was at all possible I would stay but I can't' I'm so sorry Harry, I'm sorry for being the fool I was and rushing in but I could not let you die, please believe me.
'So what can I do?' Harry sobbed ' It hurts so much' He was crying hard now furiously trying to wipe the tears away but failing. He slumped in defeat 'What can I do?' he asked Sirius in desperation 'tell me what to do'.
'Know that I'm happy, I'm safe, that I miss you and that I love you Harry' Sirius smiled ' Let me go, it doesn't mean forgetting you know, it just means remembering without reliving.' He kneeled in front of Harry and hugged him fiercely. 'Have faith Harry and know some things are worth dying for, you were worth dying for. Live life Harry, for God sake live it, I died for you to live not for you to loose all hope. I did not die just so you could die too only more slowly. Don't waste my life Harry, live life, live it for the both of us, the world needs you now Harry. It is time for you to stand forward and protect the world and those you love!' He smiled at Harry. 'Promise me?'
'I promise' Harry gulped and felt lighter than he had since the day Sirius had died, the guilt, the pain, the frustration was less now, he was beginning to cope Harry felt in his soul that he was coping for the first time since that day. He had needed to say goodbye to the man he had loved like a father. 'I love you too Sirius'
'I know Harry, I know' he smiled and amazing smile 'Hermionie and Ron love you too Harry they need you now more than ever.' And all the other people Sirius thought, all of them were beside themselves with worry, no replies had caused Hermionie to panic at the slightest mention of anything bad, she was in a state, as was Mrs Weasley and he was afraid Ron was not much better.
'I thought she had died' Harry remembered 'I can't let them die.' Harry said.
'Then pull yourself together Harry, don't let anyone else die because you're pining for someone who has already died.'
'I'll write' promised Harry. For the first time since that day he didn't feel like crying anymore. He was grateful for the time, for the reprieve, to stop hurting, to try and live again.
Sirius shimmered 'I have to go now, Listen to Dumbledore Harry, keep your nose clean only break stupid rules' he smirked 'take care of yourself!'
Harry nodded and clung to him as he disappeared.
With an enormous effort he hauled himself off his bed and for the first time in the whole summer he wrote to his two best friends.
Dear Hermionie and Ron,
Sorry I have not wrote much, well at all this summer, I've been busy feeling sorry for myself I suppose, but I'm getting there, I'm coping, please don't worry about me. Sorry I have not replied to your letters I needed to be alone, thanks for caring about me, I'll be wherever you two are very soon I promise. Something's made me let go, Sirius may be gone but he's not forgotten is he? I won't let you two down ever again.
Your best friend
Harry
X
He attached it to Hedwig. He stroked her gently and let her fly out of the window into the night. I swear I'll get you Voldemort, you'll wish you'd never of done the things you have, I promise you; you'll regret ever hurting my family and friends. Sirius may be gone but he's not forgotten and he never will be, I'll never forget what you did Voldemort just like I'll never forget him, he's not forgotten!
A/N- Okay so what did you think? Let me know by reviewing the little buttons just down there!
Not Forgotten There had been no funeral for Sirius; no body so of course there hadn't been a funeral thought Harry bitterly. Sombre had not exactly been an atmosphere lately but a constant state of being. He had not replied to Ron and Hermionie's letters and had only written a short note to Moody once every two days, he didn't want to see them. He wanted to be alone; he wanted to cry as he had not cried before, he wanted to be miserable, because if he smiled he forgot Sirius was dead and if he forgot that he would betray his memory.
Its your fault he's just a memory though isn't it? Your love for being a hero just like Hermionie had said! Except being a hero didn't bring glory or respect it brought pain and hurt. A reward for being a hero is to be hurt. To be a hero is to loose everything and everyone that you love or has loved you, being a hero means you win for others but loose yourself, being a hero isn't being a winner.
He wasn't angry anymore he was bitter. The bitterness could be tasted in his mouth with every forced word that was dragged out of him for a minute every day by his Aunt and Uncle. It wasn't like Harry was deluded enough to believed they cared about him, no, they just cared that he didn't write to Moody and tell him he was being mistreated. Mistreated! That had to be a joke right? He had always been mistreated what was different this time? All part of being a hero!
Hero was just another would for fool wasn't it? Sirius had been a fool Dumbledore had all but said that, he was a fool for coming after you; he was a fool for caring about you, just like Dumbledore had been. People who care always loose, wasn't that what he had said? People who care are so easy to manipulate. Well he was right wasn't he? Voldemort had got it right, so right it was unbelievable, he had gone charging in without a second thought for his safety or his best friends safety. He had never once tried to stop them, habit he supposed it had always been the three of them.
Sirius had done exactly what Harry had done, Hermionie had warned him, Hermionie didn't want to be a hero she wanted to be a winner, but still she had come with him. That's me all right thought Harry too stubborn to listen, too stubborn to believe. Sirius had been a fool too, yet at least he had a reason for being a fool! You were just a fool because you cared. How do you stop caring? Just like Dumbledore had said he did care, he still cared. He cared that Sirius was happy, he cared that he was safe and he cared that Sirius was dead! He cared so much about everything, he cared about the wizards in the order, he cared about all the Weasleys, he cared about Dumbledore, he cared about Luna and Neville and most of all he cared about Hermionie and Ron, did caring now mean you died? Did caring for me mean that you were automatically given a death sentence? Sirius had been, he had been used to lure Harry there and Harry to lure Sirius, caring got you killed, so why did he still care? Was he that selfish that he wanted the people who he loved to die too? Was caring just being selfish?
The circle of thoughts paraded around his head hour upon hour, anger no longer shut out the pain, the pain that was in every thought, every feeling, every action but most of all the pain every memory brought him. Regret laced all his memories, what if I'd done that, what if I'd done this, If I'd of remembered his gift, his connection to me, he wouldn't be dead, he would be alive, breathing, living.
What had Remus said? Sirius would never of forgiven himself if he had not gone that night, but what about me? How can I forgive myself that he did, am I meant to bear the regret for both of us! Was your reckless action to save me really worth it? Was I really worth it? Was it worth the pain that it's causing me? I'd rather of died, I wanted to die, I wanted Dumbledore to kill me, is this the price for your forgiveness of yourself? Instead it is me that is torn with self-loathing, torn with despicable doubt and hatred of myself.
It's a constant struggle for me to breath now, its no longer a reflex, I have to remind myself, because it hurts, it hurts so much to live, to know that its only going to be harder, to know one day I will have to let you go. How horrible he had been to Cho, he understood her constant need to cry now, he did, like a weak child he cried himself to sleep every night, he cried if a memory unbidden rose to the surface of his mind and he cried when he remembered he was gone, really truly remembered and I cry if I forget you because I feel I have betrayed you, I feel I have truly lost you, if I remember you will always be here, even if it hurts you're still here, a little part of you is still here, still with me.
Im loosing myself, I fight so hard each day to keep you here that I forget the others in my life, Hermionie and Ron how worried they must be, but if im alone, they're safe, and I'm safe, I could not loose another person who I love. But I will, I know I will, won't I? It's the price for being a hero; it's always the fucking price! I won't let them die because of me, not like you Sirius do you hear? I won't let them die! You can't take them away from me, not like they've taken you, I won't loose them, and I won't fail them not like I failed you! I can't fail them.
The worst part is not the pain or the bitterness but how much I miss you. You were always there to talk to me and you cared about me. See there's the key to all the mysteries in the bloody screwed up world I live in; caring equals death. You died for me or is it because of me this time? Was I worth the sacrifice you made? I don't think I was!
My first and last thoughts are seeing you die, in my dreams it's replayed, over and over again, yet each time I can't change it, I can never change it, I have to watch, just like I had to the day you died, when you really died! What I'd give to speak to you just once more, to tell you what I never got to tell you when you were here, to tell you that I.that I.lov- loved you. I want to tell you that, please know, please already know, and please believe me.
His throat choked up at this and the usual tears sprung to his eyes. He had not told him, how he admired him for coming back for facing Harry for showing him the truth, how he felt comforted to know that he was there to confide in, how he was the greatest friend he had ever known, how for a few years he had had a parent someone who would reprimand him only to protect him and how much his sacrifice had meant to him and how he respected his need to be a hero. Now he could never tell him, he curled him knees up to his chest hugging them so tightly, rocking slowly back and forth as he sobbed, choking out the odd word.
'Harry' called a weak voice.
'Harry' it grew stronger.
'Harry' it was loud now and it caused him to open his eyes. There grinning was Sirius, his rugged black hair and a smile that touched his eyes.
'Been catching up with your dad Harry' he said beaming 'they both send their love.'
Harry felt his throat tighten another trick by Voldemort, didn't he know that Sirius's death had pulled him apart that he didn't need messing with anymore, but then again he proberly wants to push me over the edge! But stop using Sirius you bastard, this is not real, it can't be real people don't come back from the dead, Sirius would have moved on!
'Your not real!' Harry shouted 'YOUR NOT SIRIUS!' He collapsed sobbing on the floor! 'Sirius is dead, you can't be real, you just can't be real! I've finally gone mad have I?' cried Harry 'you just can't be real, I want you to be real, but you can't be! He's-he's de-dead!' Harry could not speak anymore his body shook violently with anger and tears.
His brow creased and frowned 'But I am here Harry' He spread out his arms 'I'm here because of this'.
'Please leave me alone, please...' Harry sobbed 'I can't take this.please just leave me alone.Voldemort please.God please just get out of my head!'
Harry I haven't got long' Sirius said a note of pleading in his voice now 'believe its me Harry, let me help you please'
Harry looked up, taking a shuddering breath he answered 'okay I believe you, why not? You hearing this Voldemort. you don't get me this easy. You can't make me stop fighting to kill you, I'm going to get you, you here, I'll get you for killing Sirius right after I kill the whore who was following your orders!' He stood angry now, fists clenched.
'Your mother would not approve of that language Harry!' Sirius smirked 'But that's more like it, you know how many rules I'm breaking to come here? These are cosmic rules too!' he grinned 'Old habits die hard eh Harry?'
Harry allowed a ghost of a smile cross his face 'If you're really Sirius stay, please don't leave me again' Harry was loosing the battle of control, his anger ebbing away more quickly, fighting for it to return, how easy it would be to just give in to believe this was truly him, he had to fight it, but he couldn't, he had not caused him any harm, he wanted to help to protect, two more Sirius like qualities Harry did not know.
'I can't, I wish I could but I can't' Sirius replied sadly. Please believe me Harry, believe in me, I know how hard this must be, but its only going to get harder for you, how he wanted to come back to protect him to pull him through, to protect him from harm. He couldn't though, he had used his chance, and he had chosen to die to protect the boy who was in front of him now.
Harry let a tear run down his cheek 'Go then!' he spat out 'Go and leave me again!' Didn't he understand how much this was hurting, how much this was tearing him apart.
'That's not fair Harry' Sirius said calmly 'You know if it was at all possible I would stay but I can't' I'm so sorry Harry, I'm sorry for being the fool I was and rushing in but I could not let you die, please believe me.
'So what can I do?' Harry sobbed ' It hurts so much' He was crying hard now furiously trying to wipe the tears away but failing. He slumped in defeat 'What can I do?' he asked Sirius in desperation 'tell me what to do'.
'Know that I'm happy, I'm safe, that I miss you and that I love you Harry' Sirius smiled ' Let me go, it doesn't mean forgetting you know, it just means remembering without reliving.' He kneeled in front of Harry and hugged him fiercely. 'Have faith Harry and know some things are worth dying for, you were worth dying for. Live life Harry, for God sake live it, I died for you to live not for you to loose all hope. I did not die just so you could die too only more slowly. Don't waste my life Harry, live life, live it for the both of us, the world needs you now Harry. It is time for you to stand forward and protect the world and those you love!' He smiled at Harry. 'Promise me?'
'I promise' Harry gulped and felt lighter than he had since the day Sirius had died, the guilt, the pain, the frustration was less now, he was beginning to cope Harry felt in his soul that he was coping for the first time since that day. He had needed to say goodbye to the man he had loved like a father. 'I love you too Sirius'
'I know Harry, I know' he smiled and amazing smile 'Hermionie and Ron love you too Harry they need you now more than ever.' And all the other people Sirius thought, all of them were beside themselves with worry, no replies had caused Hermionie to panic at the slightest mention of anything bad, she was in a state, as was Mrs Weasley and he was afraid Ron was not much better.
'I thought she had died' Harry remembered 'I can't let them die.' Harry said.
'Then pull yourself together Harry, don't let anyone else die because you're pining for someone who has already died.'
'I'll write' promised Harry. For the first time since that day he didn't feel like crying anymore. He was grateful for the time, for the reprieve, to stop hurting, to try and live again.
Sirius shimmered 'I have to go now, Listen to Dumbledore Harry, keep your nose clean only break stupid rules' he smirked 'take care of yourself!'
Harry nodded and clung to him as he disappeared.
With an enormous effort he hauled himself off his bed and for the first time in the whole summer he wrote to his two best friends.
Dear Hermionie and Ron,
Sorry I have not wrote much, well at all this summer, I've been busy feeling sorry for myself I suppose, but I'm getting there, I'm coping, please don't worry about me. Sorry I have not replied to your letters I needed to be alone, thanks for caring about me, I'll be wherever you two are very soon I promise. Something's made me let go, Sirius may be gone but he's not forgotten is he? I won't let you two down ever again.
Your best friend
Harry
X
He attached it to Hedwig. He stroked her gently and let her fly out of the window into the night. I swear I'll get you Voldemort, you'll wish you'd never of done the things you have, I promise you; you'll regret ever hurting my family and friends. Sirius may be gone but he's not forgotten and he never will be, I'll never forget what you did Voldemort just like I'll never forget him, he's not forgotten!
A/N- Okay so what did you think? Let me know by reviewing the little buttons just down there!
