This is the second part of my four-part parody of 'Star Trek: Nemesis'!
CrusherJaneway, yes, they did go to Alaska for the wedding... I have the script here with me, and I also have the novel version of 'Nemesis'. Trust me, the wedding is in Alaska.
[In Will and Deanna's quarters]
Deanna: I demand you come to bed!
Will: Naw, I think I'm gonna work. Besides, you couldn't persuade me.
Deanna goes and makes out with him at his desk
Deanna: Does that persuade you?
Will nods.
Deanna: OK. Come to bed.
In the bed.
Will: This is good.
Deanna: Yup, Will. You are da bomb!
Let the mental rape begin...
Shinzon: Hello, there. How are you doing this fine night?
Deanna: Ahhh!!!!!
Shinzon: Oh, well... He can't kiss you as I can, because he just can't.
Deanna: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shinzon: Don't be afraid of me, Baby! Why don't you ditch that Riker dude, and we can rule the universe together? -Shinzon's viceroy coughs- Well, my Viceroy will help us.
Deanna: No. I love my husband. Besides, he's so much hotter than you are! What, with that goatee of his...
Shinzon: Grrrrr...
Deanna: AHHHH!!!!!!!!
Deanna pushes Shinzon out of her mind.
Deanna: NOOOOO!!!!!
Will: What's wrong, Baby?
Deanna: Umm...
[Romulan Senate]
Suran: Hey, Shinzon, what's with bringing the Enterprise here?
Shinzon: Umm, I have a reason.
Suran: Then what is it?
Shinzon: Shut up, you stupid Romulan! It's uhh... It's private. Besides, you need to learn patience. If you spend two-thirds of your life in the dilithium mines of Remus, you will learn patience. Those restroom lines were horrible!
Suran: Yes, well... I'm sure we can do something about that.
Shinzon: Too late! Now leave.
Suran: But-
Shinzon: Leave.
Suran and everyone leave.
[Scimitar]
Shinzon: So, I was made to replace you.
Picard: Um, how did they get my DNA?
Shinzon: Remember that 'incident' with Doctor Pulaski?
Picard: Uhh...
Shinzon: Anyway, the government changed, so I wasn't needed anymore. I spent my entire childhood in the Reman mines. I had to go to the bathroom many times, and the man who became my Viceroy gave me all his bathroom privileges.
Picard: That's really nice of him.
Shinzon: Yes. Anyway, I'm sure you don't recognize the face.
Picard: Yeah. I was much better looking.
Shinzon: They broke my nose and my jaw. That's the writer's excuse for the different looks!
Picard: What writer?
Shinzon: Uhh... Right.. Jean-Luc, tell me about my past.
Picard: I'll tell you about my past.
Shinzon: Were Picards always warriors?
Picard: Actually, I'm an explorer.
Shinzon: Riiighhttt... Then, were you always an 'explorer'?
Picard: Yeah, I am. My dad hates me now. He said 'Jean-Luc, you are gonna be a vineyard guy and like it!' But I said 'Naw, I think I'm gonna be an explorer. I'm gonna meet the Borg, and the Romulans, and the Remans.' He just laughed at me and said, 'What the hell is a Borg?' Well, I didn't know at the time, but I was going to.
While Jean-Luc drones (No pun on the Borg intended!) on, Shinzon starts to snore.
Picard: My mom, on the other hand, was happy for me. She said, 'Jean-Luc, you go and get yourself a starship. I won't stop you. I'll be happy for you. We'll get your brother to carry on the Chateau Picard vineyard.' So, I did go and get myself a starship, the Enterprise, and I was happy. So, what about you?
Shinzon wakes up suddenly.
Shinzon: What? What? What's the matter?!
Picard: Well, I was telling the story about how I came to be an explorer. Would you like me to -
Shinzon: NO! I mean, no. I heard it. I only looked like I was sleeping.
Picard: Oh, OK. Well, let's go to the Senate.
Picard stands in the Senate.
Picard: What better way to spend an evening with my clone than right here, in the Romulan Senate. Sure, Shinzon. I'll take your hand in marriage... I mean, friendship. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that trust has to be earned.
Shinzon: Sure, it does.
[Data's quarters.]
B-4 looks at Stellar Cartography.
[Romulan Chamber.]
Viceroy: Hey, shouldn't we be planning our evil plan?
Shinzon: Naw. I don't feel like it right now.
Viceroy: We're wasting time.
Shinzon: Yeah, I know we are.
Viceroy: Let's return to the Scimitar.
Shinzon: Shut up! We're returning to the Scimitar.
Viceroy: Didn't I just say that?
Shinzon: Sure, you did...
[Enterprise Bridge]
Picard comes in.
Geordi: Wassup, Yo?
Picard: Nothing. What's up here?
Geordi: Some programs were accessed without permission.
Picard: Which programs?
Geordi: Well, blah blah blah blah Stellar Cartography, blah blah blah blah...
Picard: -gasp- NO!
Geordi: Yeah, I know!
Picard: Find out where it came from.
Geordi: Sure thing, Cappie. Oh, and when the Scimitar decloaked, our sensors detected something funny.
Picard: What was detected?
Geordi: You're not going to believe this.
Picard: Try me.
Geordi: OK. Our sensors picked up evidence of Thusaroo Radiation. -Ominous music plays-
Picard: -Music stops- Just evidence?
Geordi: Well, yeah.
Picard: Oh, OK.
[Sick Bay]
Beverly: Thusaroo Radiation is theoretical.
Geordi: That's why the sensors didn't pick it up the first time.
Beverly: That stuff is dangerous. It can destroy us in a matter of days.
Picard: Then how can it be dangerous?
Beverly: It emits- Vegetables. -More ominous music plays-
Picard: GASP! But, if that happens, I'll be HEALTHY!
Geordi: I don't want to eat my veggies either, captain. But we need to stop Shinzon.
Picard: Yes, I suppose we do.
Data thinks for a moment.
Data: I need to go do something. Geordi, come with me, please.
They leave.
Picard: I wonder what that's all about.
Beverly and Will shrug.
[Picledoo's quarters]
Jean-Luc is staring at a picture that looks surprisingly like Shinzon, even though we see in 'Tapestry' that Jean-Luc had full head of brown hair in the Academy. Beverly enters.
Beverly: Hey, Luv!
Picard: Hey, Bevy. Remember him?
Beverly: No, I remember someone who had hair.
Picard: Well, I lost it, and then I had a wig. OK?
Beverly: OK. Whatever you'd like to believe, Luv.
Picard: Yeah. I really wanted to believe Shinzon. But this Thusaroo Radiation can't be explained away...
Beverly: I know.
Picard: Whatever he wants, it isn't peace.
Beverly: I know.
Data comms Picard.
Data: Captain, Geordi and I have found an advantage in this situation.
Beverly: I know.
Picard: What?
Beverly: Sorry, I wasn't listening...
Picard: OK. What is it, Data?
Data: It's a surprise.
Picard: OK. Be right there.
[A turbolift]
Deanna is humming 'Yellow Submarine'.
Shinzon: Hello, Baby!
Deanna: AHHH!!!
Shinzon: What?
Deanna: You're not here!
Shinzon: Yeah, I am.
Deanna: No, you're not!!!!!
Shinzon: Shuttup. I am here. KISS ME, BABY!
Deanna: AHHH!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!
Shinzon: Oh, well.
Shinzon kisses her, and Deanna punches him.
Shinzon: Ow.
Shinzon leaves.
[Some room on the Scimitar]
Viceroy: Um, she broke the bond thing.
Shinzon: Well, let's try again. I wanna get even. She hit me!
Viceroy: No, that's enough for today.
Reman Guy comes in.
Reman Guy: Um, we've got that android on transporter lock.
Shinzon: Swwweeeetttttttt...... I'll be on the bridge soon.
Reman Guy: OK.
Shinzon: Ow! It hurts, mommy.
Viceroy: It's accelerating.
Shinzon: You don't think I know that?!
Viceroy: Well, I...
Shinzon: Shuttup.
Viceroy: Yes, sir.
Shinzon leaves.
[Scimitar Bridge]
Shinzon: Yo! Bring 'im!
B-4 (It's really Data.) appears.
Shinzon: Begin the download.
Um, they do. Shinzon goes and sits down in his chair.
Shinzon: Earl Grey Tea. COLD!
All the Remans and Data gasp.
[Sickbay]
Picard: Describe it.
Deanna: Well, Shinzon was being naughty. That's all I'm gonna say. But, I think I should be confined to quarters.
Picard: No. I think I should make you stay here, even though you ARE a liability. I-
Picard disappears. Looks like he should have taken Worf's advice earlier in the movie!
Will: Worf! Shields up!
Too late, Will...
[Scimitar]
Picledoo is contained.
Shinzon: Wassup, Baldy?
Picard: Why am I here?
Shinzon: You are so naïve.
Picard: Really?
Shinzon: Yeah, really. No, I was lonely.
Picard: Really?
Shinzon: No, I was being sarcastic.
Picard: Oh...
Shinzon: I need some of your blood. Five litres should suffice.
Picard: Five litres?!
Shinzon: No, more like one.
Picard sees B-4/Data.
Shinzon: Muahaha! That was the bait you couldn't refuse. It was really funny, stealing it from... Somewhere...
Picard: Wow.
Shinzon: Yeah. Anyway, it took a while to spread the parts over Kolarus III. Oh, and we had to create an Ion storm. That wasn't easy.
Picard: Why am I here?
Shinzon: Again with the naïve-ness. But, I suppose I should tell you. I did all of this so I could capture you.
Picard: What is this all about.
Shinzon: It's about destiny. It's about a human who isn't quite human.
Picard: What do you want to be?
Shinzon: Well, I would really like to be one of those Vulcan people.. Anyway, what do you see when you look at me?
Picard: I see a young Human who wishes to be Vulcan.
Shinzon: And I see an old bald man who thinks he is the center of the universe.
Picard: I won't defend my life to you.
Shinzon: My time here in this place is meaningless as long as you're still here. So, I need to get your blood and kill you.
Picard: Ouch.
Shinzon: Then, I'm gonna go for Earth and make everyone eat VEGETABLES!
Picard: NO!
Shinzon: Yes.
Picard: This has nothing to do with the Federation, does it?
Shinzon: Gee, you're smart.
Picard: I know.
Shinzon rolls his eyes.
Shinzon: Anyway, I need your blood because you're the only donor with compatible DNA.
Picard: I knew that. Beverly told me.
Shinzon: Beverly? Whoa, she's hot! I didn't know she was smart, too!
Picard: Hey! She's MINE!
Shinzon: Aww... Bye, now!
[Enterprise Bridge]
Geordi: You know what?
Will: What?
Geordi: Chicken Butt! Heeheehee... No, the cloak Shinzon has is perfect! There's nothing there!
Will: Except a cloaked ship.
Geordi: Yeah, that too. I meant; there's no Tachyon Emissions or residual antiprotons.
Will: Keep at it, Geordi mah man.
[Scimitar]
B-4/Data comes in.
Data: Shinzon needs the ugly, foul, freakishly weird prisoner.
Picard rolls his eyes. The guard releases Picard. Data gives the guard a Vulcan Death Grip.
Reman Guard: Ugghhh...
They leave.
This was part two of four, which is half of a four-part whole parody of 'Nemesis'.
Stay tuned for part THREE!
CrusherJaneway, yes, they did go to Alaska for the wedding... I have the script here with me, and I also have the novel version of 'Nemesis'. Trust me, the wedding is in Alaska.
[In Will and Deanna's quarters]
Deanna: I demand you come to bed!
Will: Naw, I think I'm gonna work. Besides, you couldn't persuade me.
Deanna goes and makes out with him at his desk
Deanna: Does that persuade you?
Will nods.
Deanna: OK. Come to bed.
In the bed.
Will: This is good.
Deanna: Yup, Will. You are da bomb!
Let the mental rape begin...
Shinzon: Hello, there. How are you doing this fine night?
Deanna: Ahhh!!!!!
Shinzon: Oh, well... He can't kiss you as I can, because he just can't.
Deanna: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shinzon: Don't be afraid of me, Baby! Why don't you ditch that Riker dude, and we can rule the universe together? -Shinzon's viceroy coughs- Well, my Viceroy will help us.
Deanna: No. I love my husband. Besides, he's so much hotter than you are! What, with that goatee of his...
Shinzon: Grrrrr...
Deanna: AHHHH!!!!!!!!
Deanna pushes Shinzon out of her mind.
Deanna: NOOOOO!!!!!
Will: What's wrong, Baby?
Deanna: Umm...
[Romulan Senate]
Suran: Hey, Shinzon, what's with bringing the Enterprise here?
Shinzon: Umm, I have a reason.
Suran: Then what is it?
Shinzon: Shut up, you stupid Romulan! It's uhh... It's private. Besides, you need to learn patience. If you spend two-thirds of your life in the dilithium mines of Remus, you will learn patience. Those restroom lines were horrible!
Suran: Yes, well... I'm sure we can do something about that.
Shinzon: Too late! Now leave.
Suran: But-
Shinzon: Leave.
Suran and everyone leave.
[Scimitar]
Shinzon: So, I was made to replace you.
Picard: Um, how did they get my DNA?
Shinzon: Remember that 'incident' with Doctor Pulaski?
Picard: Uhh...
Shinzon: Anyway, the government changed, so I wasn't needed anymore. I spent my entire childhood in the Reman mines. I had to go to the bathroom many times, and the man who became my Viceroy gave me all his bathroom privileges.
Picard: That's really nice of him.
Shinzon: Yes. Anyway, I'm sure you don't recognize the face.
Picard: Yeah. I was much better looking.
Shinzon: They broke my nose and my jaw. That's the writer's excuse for the different looks!
Picard: What writer?
Shinzon: Uhh... Right.. Jean-Luc, tell me about my past.
Picard: I'll tell you about my past.
Shinzon: Were Picards always warriors?
Picard: Actually, I'm an explorer.
Shinzon: Riiighhttt... Then, were you always an 'explorer'?
Picard: Yeah, I am. My dad hates me now. He said 'Jean-Luc, you are gonna be a vineyard guy and like it!' But I said 'Naw, I think I'm gonna be an explorer. I'm gonna meet the Borg, and the Romulans, and the Remans.' He just laughed at me and said, 'What the hell is a Borg?' Well, I didn't know at the time, but I was going to.
While Jean-Luc drones (No pun on the Borg intended!) on, Shinzon starts to snore.
Picard: My mom, on the other hand, was happy for me. She said, 'Jean-Luc, you go and get yourself a starship. I won't stop you. I'll be happy for you. We'll get your brother to carry on the Chateau Picard vineyard.' So, I did go and get myself a starship, the Enterprise, and I was happy. So, what about you?
Shinzon wakes up suddenly.
Shinzon: What? What? What's the matter?!
Picard: Well, I was telling the story about how I came to be an explorer. Would you like me to -
Shinzon: NO! I mean, no. I heard it. I only looked like I was sleeping.
Picard: Oh, OK. Well, let's go to the Senate.
Picard stands in the Senate.
Picard: What better way to spend an evening with my clone than right here, in the Romulan Senate. Sure, Shinzon. I'll take your hand in marriage... I mean, friendship. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that trust has to be earned.
Shinzon: Sure, it does.
[Data's quarters.]
B-4 looks at Stellar Cartography.
[Romulan Chamber.]
Viceroy: Hey, shouldn't we be planning our evil plan?
Shinzon: Naw. I don't feel like it right now.
Viceroy: We're wasting time.
Shinzon: Yeah, I know we are.
Viceroy: Let's return to the Scimitar.
Shinzon: Shut up! We're returning to the Scimitar.
Viceroy: Didn't I just say that?
Shinzon: Sure, you did...
[Enterprise Bridge]
Picard comes in.
Geordi: Wassup, Yo?
Picard: Nothing. What's up here?
Geordi: Some programs were accessed without permission.
Picard: Which programs?
Geordi: Well, blah blah blah blah Stellar Cartography, blah blah blah blah...
Picard: -gasp- NO!
Geordi: Yeah, I know!
Picard: Find out where it came from.
Geordi: Sure thing, Cappie. Oh, and when the Scimitar decloaked, our sensors detected something funny.
Picard: What was detected?
Geordi: You're not going to believe this.
Picard: Try me.
Geordi: OK. Our sensors picked up evidence of Thusaroo Radiation. -Ominous music plays-
Picard: -Music stops- Just evidence?
Geordi: Well, yeah.
Picard: Oh, OK.
[Sick Bay]
Beverly: Thusaroo Radiation is theoretical.
Geordi: That's why the sensors didn't pick it up the first time.
Beverly: That stuff is dangerous. It can destroy us in a matter of days.
Picard: Then how can it be dangerous?
Beverly: It emits- Vegetables. -More ominous music plays-
Picard: GASP! But, if that happens, I'll be HEALTHY!
Geordi: I don't want to eat my veggies either, captain. But we need to stop Shinzon.
Picard: Yes, I suppose we do.
Data thinks for a moment.
Data: I need to go do something. Geordi, come with me, please.
They leave.
Picard: I wonder what that's all about.
Beverly and Will shrug.
[Picledoo's quarters]
Jean-Luc is staring at a picture that looks surprisingly like Shinzon, even though we see in 'Tapestry' that Jean-Luc had full head of brown hair in the Academy. Beverly enters.
Beverly: Hey, Luv!
Picard: Hey, Bevy. Remember him?
Beverly: No, I remember someone who had hair.
Picard: Well, I lost it, and then I had a wig. OK?
Beverly: OK. Whatever you'd like to believe, Luv.
Picard: Yeah. I really wanted to believe Shinzon. But this Thusaroo Radiation can't be explained away...
Beverly: I know.
Picard: Whatever he wants, it isn't peace.
Beverly: I know.
Data comms Picard.
Data: Captain, Geordi and I have found an advantage in this situation.
Beverly: I know.
Picard: What?
Beverly: Sorry, I wasn't listening...
Picard: OK. What is it, Data?
Data: It's a surprise.
Picard: OK. Be right there.
[A turbolift]
Deanna is humming 'Yellow Submarine'.
Shinzon: Hello, Baby!
Deanna: AHHH!!!
Shinzon: What?
Deanna: You're not here!
Shinzon: Yeah, I am.
Deanna: No, you're not!!!!!
Shinzon: Shuttup. I am here. KISS ME, BABY!
Deanna: AHHH!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!
Shinzon: Oh, well.
Shinzon kisses her, and Deanna punches him.
Shinzon: Ow.
Shinzon leaves.
[Some room on the Scimitar]
Viceroy: Um, she broke the bond thing.
Shinzon: Well, let's try again. I wanna get even. She hit me!
Viceroy: No, that's enough for today.
Reman Guy comes in.
Reman Guy: Um, we've got that android on transporter lock.
Shinzon: Swwweeeetttttttt...... I'll be on the bridge soon.
Reman Guy: OK.
Shinzon: Ow! It hurts, mommy.
Viceroy: It's accelerating.
Shinzon: You don't think I know that?!
Viceroy: Well, I...
Shinzon: Shuttup.
Viceroy: Yes, sir.
Shinzon leaves.
[Scimitar Bridge]
Shinzon: Yo! Bring 'im!
B-4 (It's really Data.) appears.
Shinzon: Begin the download.
Um, they do. Shinzon goes and sits down in his chair.
Shinzon: Earl Grey Tea. COLD!
All the Remans and Data gasp.
[Sickbay]
Picard: Describe it.
Deanna: Well, Shinzon was being naughty. That's all I'm gonna say. But, I think I should be confined to quarters.
Picard: No. I think I should make you stay here, even though you ARE a liability. I-
Picard disappears. Looks like he should have taken Worf's advice earlier in the movie!
Will: Worf! Shields up!
Too late, Will...
[Scimitar]
Picledoo is contained.
Shinzon: Wassup, Baldy?
Picard: Why am I here?
Shinzon: You are so naïve.
Picard: Really?
Shinzon: Yeah, really. No, I was lonely.
Picard: Really?
Shinzon: No, I was being sarcastic.
Picard: Oh...
Shinzon: I need some of your blood. Five litres should suffice.
Picard: Five litres?!
Shinzon: No, more like one.
Picard sees B-4/Data.
Shinzon: Muahaha! That was the bait you couldn't refuse. It was really funny, stealing it from... Somewhere...
Picard: Wow.
Shinzon: Yeah. Anyway, it took a while to spread the parts over Kolarus III. Oh, and we had to create an Ion storm. That wasn't easy.
Picard: Why am I here?
Shinzon: Again with the naïve-ness. But, I suppose I should tell you. I did all of this so I could capture you.
Picard: What is this all about.
Shinzon: It's about destiny. It's about a human who isn't quite human.
Picard: What do you want to be?
Shinzon: Well, I would really like to be one of those Vulcan people.. Anyway, what do you see when you look at me?
Picard: I see a young Human who wishes to be Vulcan.
Shinzon: And I see an old bald man who thinks he is the center of the universe.
Picard: I won't defend my life to you.
Shinzon: My time here in this place is meaningless as long as you're still here. So, I need to get your blood and kill you.
Picard: Ouch.
Shinzon: Then, I'm gonna go for Earth and make everyone eat VEGETABLES!
Picard: NO!
Shinzon: Yes.
Picard: This has nothing to do with the Federation, does it?
Shinzon: Gee, you're smart.
Picard: I know.
Shinzon rolls his eyes.
Shinzon: Anyway, I need your blood because you're the only donor with compatible DNA.
Picard: I knew that. Beverly told me.
Shinzon: Beverly? Whoa, she's hot! I didn't know she was smart, too!
Picard: Hey! She's MINE!
Shinzon: Aww... Bye, now!
[Enterprise Bridge]
Geordi: You know what?
Will: What?
Geordi: Chicken Butt! Heeheehee... No, the cloak Shinzon has is perfect! There's nothing there!
Will: Except a cloaked ship.
Geordi: Yeah, that too. I meant; there's no Tachyon Emissions or residual antiprotons.
Will: Keep at it, Geordi mah man.
[Scimitar]
B-4/Data comes in.
Data: Shinzon needs the ugly, foul, freakishly weird prisoner.
Picard rolls his eyes. The guard releases Picard. Data gives the guard a Vulcan Death Grip.
Reman Guard: Ugghhh...
They leave.
This was part two of four, which is half of a four-part whole parody of 'Nemesis'.
Stay tuned for part THREE!
