This is the second part of my four-part parody of 'Star Trek: Nemesis'!

CrusherJaneway, yes, they did go to Alaska for the wedding... I have the script here with me, and I also have the novel version of 'Nemesis'. Trust me, the wedding is in Alaska.

[In Will and Deanna's quarters]

Deanna: I demand you come to bed!

Will: Naw, I think I'm gonna work. Besides, you couldn't persuade me.

Deanna goes and makes out with him at his desk

Deanna: Does that persuade you?

Will nods.

Deanna: OK. Come to bed.

In the bed.

Will: This is good.

Deanna: Yup, Will. You are da bomb!

Let the mental rape begin...

Shinzon: Hello, there. How are you doing this fine night?

Deanna: Ahhh!!!!!

Shinzon: Oh, well... He can't kiss you as I can, because he just can't.

Deanna: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shinzon: Don't be afraid of me, Baby! Why don't you ditch that Riker dude, and we can rule the universe together? -Shinzon's viceroy coughs- Well, my Viceroy will help us.

Deanna: No. I love my husband. Besides, he's so much hotter than you are! What, with that goatee of his...

Shinzon: Grrrrr...

Deanna: AHHHH!!!!!!!!

Deanna pushes Shinzon out of her mind.

Deanna: NOOOOO!!!!!

Will: What's wrong, Baby?

Deanna: Umm...

[Romulan Senate]

Suran: Hey, Shinzon, what's with bringing the Enterprise here?

Shinzon: Umm, I have a reason.

Suran: Then what is it?

Shinzon: Shut up, you stupid Romulan! It's uhh... It's private. Besides, you need to learn patience. If you spend two-thirds of your life in the dilithium mines of Remus, you will learn patience. Those restroom lines were horrible!

Suran: Yes, well... I'm sure we can do something about that.

Shinzon: Too late! Now leave.

Suran: But-

Shinzon: Leave.

Suran and everyone leave.

[Scimitar]

Shinzon: So, I was made to replace you.

Picard: Um, how did they get my DNA?

Shinzon: Remember that 'incident' with Doctor Pulaski?

Picard: Uhh...

Shinzon: Anyway, the government changed, so I wasn't needed anymore. I spent my entire childhood in the Reman mines. I had to go to the bathroom many times, and the man who became my Viceroy gave me all his bathroom privileges.

Picard: That's really nice of him.

Shinzon: Yes. Anyway, I'm sure you don't recognize the face.

Picard: Yeah. I was much better looking.

Shinzon: They broke my nose and my jaw. That's the writer's excuse for the different looks!

Picard: What writer?

Shinzon: Uhh... Right.. Jean-Luc, tell me about my past.

Picard: I'll tell you about my past.

Shinzon: Were Picards always warriors?

Picard: Actually, I'm an explorer.

Shinzon: Riiighhttt... Then, were you always an 'explorer'?

Picard: Yeah, I am. My dad hates me now. He said 'Jean-Luc, you are gonna be a vineyard guy and like it!' But I said 'Naw, I think I'm gonna be an explorer. I'm gonna meet the Borg, and the Romulans, and the Remans.' He just laughed at me and said, 'What the hell is a Borg?' Well, I didn't know at the time, but I was going to.

While Jean-Luc drones (No pun on the Borg intended!) on, Shinzon starts to snore.

Picard: My mom, on the other hand, was happy for me. She said, 'Jean-Luc, you go and get yourself a starship. I won't stop you. I'll be happy for you. We'll get your brother to carry on the Chateau Picard vineyard.' So, I did go and get myself a starship, the Enterprise, and I was happy. So, what about you?

Shinzon wakes up suddenly.

Shinzon: What? What? What's the matter?!

Picard: Well, I was telling the story about how I came to be an explorer. Would you like me to -

Shinzon: NO! I mean, no. I heard it. I only looked like I was sleeping.

Picard: Oh, OK. Well, let's go to the Senate.

Picard stands in the Senate.

Picard: What better way to spend an evening with my clone than right here, in the Romulan Senate. Sure, Shinzon. I'll take your hand in marriage... I mean, friendship. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that trust has to be earned.

Shinzon: Sure, it does.

[Data's quarters.]

B-4 looks at Stellar Cartography.

[Romulan Chamber.]

Viceroy: Hey, shouldn't we be planning our evil plan?

Shinzon: Naw. I don't feel like it right now.

Viceroy: We're wasting time.

Shinzon: Yeah, I know we are.

Viceroy: Let's return to the Scimitar.

Shinzon: Shut up! We're returning to the Scimitar.

Viceroy: Didn't I just say that?

Shinzon: Sure, you did...

[Enterprise Bridge]

Picard comes in.

Geordi: Wassup, Yo?

Picard: Nothing. What's up here?

Geordi: Some programs were accessed without permission.

Picard: Which programs?

Geordi: Well, blah blah blah blah Stellar Cartography, blah blah blah blah...

Picard: -gasp- NO!

Geordi: Yeah, I know!

Picard: Find out where it came from.

Geordi: Sure thing, Cappie. Oh, and when the Scimitar decloaked, our sensors detected something funny.

Picard: What was detected?

Geordi: You're not going to believe this.

Picard: Try me.

Geordi: OK. Our sensors picked up evidence of Thusaroo Radiation. -Ominous music plays-

Picard: -Music stops- Just evidence?

Geordi: Well, yeah.

Picard: Oh, OK.

[Sick Bay]

Beverly: Thusaroo Radiation is theoretical.

Geordi: That's why the sensors didn't pick it up the first time.

Beverly: That stuff is dangerous. It can destroy us in a matter of days.

Picard: Then how can it be dangerous?

Beverly: It emits- Vegetables. -More ominous music plays-

Picard: GASP! But, if that happens, I'll be HEALTHY!

Geordi: I don't want to eat my veggies either, captain. But we need to stop Shinzon.

Picard: Yes, I suppose we do.

Data thinks for a moment.

Data: I need to go do something. Geordi, come with me, please.

They leave.

Picard: I wonder what that's all about.

Beverly and Will shrug.

[Picledoo's quarters]

Jean-Luc is staring at a picture that looks surprisingly like Shinzon, even though we see in 'Tapestry' that Jean-Luc had full head of brown hair in the Academy. Beverly enters.

Beverly: Hey, Luv!

Picard: Hey, Bevy. Remember him?

Beverly: No, I remember someone who had hair.

Picard: Well, I lost it, and then I had a wig. OK?

Beverly: OK. Whatever you'd like to believe, Luv.

Picard: Yeah. I really wanted to believe Shinzon. But this Thusaroo Radiation can't be explained away...

Beverly: I know.

Picard: Whatever he wants, it isn't peace.

Beverly: I know.

Data comms Picard.

Data: Captain, Geordi and I have found an advantage in this situation.

Beverly: I know.

Picard: What?

Beverly: Sorry, I wasn't listening...

Picard: OK. What is it, Data?

Data: It's a surprise.

Picard: OK. Be right there.

[A turbolift]

Deanna is humming 'Yellow Submarine'.

Shinzon: Hello, Baby!

Deanna: AHHH!!!

Shinzon: What?

Deanna: You're not here!

Shinzon: Yeah, I am.

Deanna: No, you're not!!!!!

Shinzon: Shuttup. I am here. KISS ME, BABY!

Deanna: AHHH!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!

Shinzon: Oh, well.

Shinzon kisses her, and Deanna punches him.

Shinzon: Ow.

Shinzon leaves.

[Some room on the Scimitar]

Viceroy: Um, she broke the bond thing.

Shinzon: Well, let's try again. I wanna get even. She hit me!

Viceroy: No, that's enough for today.

Reman Guy comes in.

Reman Guy: Um, we've got that android on transporter lock.

Shinzon: Swwweeeetttttttt...... I'll be on the bridge soon.

Reman Guy: OK.

Shinzon: Ow! It hurts, mommy.

Viceroy: It's accelerating.

Shinzon: You don't think I know that?!

Viceroy: Well, I...

Shinzon: Shuttup.

Viceroy: Yes, sir.

Shinzon leaves.

[Scimitar Bridge]

Shinzon: Yo! Bring 'im!

B-4 (It's really Data.) appears.

Shinzon: Begin the download.

Um, they do. Shinzon goes and sits down in his chair.

Shinzon: Earl Grey Tea. COLD!

All the Remans and Data gasp.

[Sickbay]

Picard: Describe it.

Deanna: Well, Shinzon was being naughty. That's all I'm gonna say. But, I think I should be confined to quarters.

Picard: No. I think I should make you stay here, even though you ARE a liability. I-

Picard disappears. Looks like he should have taken Worf's advice earlier in the movie!

Will: Worf! Shields up!

Too late, Will...

[Scimitar]

Picledoo is contained.

Shinzon: Wassup, Baldy?

Picard: Why am I here?

Shinzon: You are so naïve.

Picard: Really?

Shinzon: Yeah, really. No, I was lonely.

Picard: Really?

Shinzon: No, I was being sarcastic.

Picard: Oh...

Shinzon: I need some of your blood. Five litres should suffice.

Picard: Five litres?!

Shinzon: No, more like one.

Picard sees B-4/Data.

Shinzon: Muahaha! That was the bait you couldn't refuse. It was really funny, stealing it from... Somewhere...

Picard: Wow.

Shinzon: Yeah. Anyway, it took a while to spread the parts over Kolarus III. Oh, and we had to create an Ion storm. That wasn't easy.

Picard: Why am I here?

Shinzon: Again with the naïve-ness. But, I suppose I should tell you. I did all of this so I could capture you.

Picard: What is this all about.

Shinzon: It's about destiny. It's about a human who isn't quite human.

Picard: What do you want to be?

Shinzon: Well, I would really like to be one of those Vulcan people.. Anyway, what do you see when you look at me?

Picard: I see a young Human who wishes to be Vulcan.

Shinzon: And I see an old bald man who thinks he is the center of the universe.

Picard: I won't defend my life to you.

Shinzon: My time here in this place is meaningless as long as you're still here. So, I need to get your blood and kill you.

Picard: Ouch.

Shinzon: Then, I'm gonna go for Earth and make everyone eat VEGETABLES!

Picard: NO!

Shinzon: Yes.

Picard: This has nothing to do with the Federation, does it?

Shinzon: Gee, you're smart.

Picard: I know.

Shinzon rolls his eyes.

Shinzon: Anyway, I need your blood because you're the only donor with compatible DNA.

Picard: I knew that. Beverly told me.

Shinzon: Beverly? Whoa, she's hot! I didn't know she was smart, too!

Picard: Hey! She's MINE!

Shinzon: Aww... Bye, now!

[Enterprise Bridge]

Geordi: You know what?

Will: What?

Geordi: Chicken Butt! Heeheehee... No, the cloak Shinzon has is perfect! There's nothing there!

Will: Except a cloaked ship.

Geordi: Yeah, that too. I meant; there's no Tachyon Emissions or residual antiprotons.

Will: Keep at it, Geordi mah man.

[Scimitar]

B-4/Data comes in.

Data: Shinzon needs the ugly, foul, freakishly weird prisoner.

Picard rolls his eyes. The guard releases Picard. Data gives the guard a Vulcan Death Grip.

Reman Guard: Ugghhh...

They leave.

This was part two of four, which is half of a four-part whole parody of 'Nemesis'.

Stay tuned for part THREE!