BACK AT HOGWARTS

All the Slytherin students have gathered around Professor Bloomington and Sebastian in a circle chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight!" Orlando executes a perfect flying kick and Seb lands heavily on the ground.

Orlando *his voice full of pity*- Please stop. You're only doing yourself more damage.

Seb- Never!!

He leapfrogs on to Orlando's back, who calmly detaches him and throws him to the ground.

****************************************

BACK AT THE THREE BROOMSTICKS

Severus looks like a man defeated. Chester looks very puzzled.

Chester- So what's going on?

Sev- You are a muggle, you wouldn't understand.

Chester- No I'm not. I found out today I'm a squib.

Sev- No surprises there then.

Chester- It's not my fault. Things have gotten very confusing today.

Sev is too tired to be very mean and nasty.

Sev- *through clenched teeth* Listen up you moron. There are two worlds on this planet, the magical wizarding world and the non-magical - what we call "muggle" - world. The wizarding world keeps itself secret from the muggle world otherwise you lot would always be hassling us. Come to think of it this gives lot of scope for magical misunderstandings and mayhem, so much so that anyone, say, wanting to write a best-selling children's book with an empathic half-muggle hero would find it very easy. But I digress.some wizards aren't Good. They're Bad. You Know Who, aka Lord Voldemort, is one of them. They won't be happy until the world is enslaved under their feet.

Severus suddenly sighs wistfully.

Sev- Once I was like that. Part of Voldemort's followers - the Death Eaters. Good times, good times. Still, it doesn't last forever. I'm a double agent working for the other side now. Though apparently I've been found out.

*As Severus has been talking a shadow has appeared on the wall next to them*

Sev- You see things have gone from bad to worse since You Know Who married the evil Judemort. She's a nasty piece of work with a sideline in jam production and torture. That's who you saw last night.

Chester- Er right. Severus.

Sev- There've been rumours she's been up to something recently. It's all fitting into place now.

Chester- Severus.

*The shadow has enlarged to be made up of three figures*

Sev- Shut up, I'm trying to think.

Chester- I really think.

Sev- Oh so you think now do you? And while you're thinking I'm going to get a drink.

Sev stands up and turns around to be confronted by three hooded figures.

First figure- *very camp voice* Hello, we're the Death Eaters.

*************************************

BACK AT HOGWARTS

Sebastian is trying to get up from a prostrate position on the floor. He is being hindered by a pool of his own sweat. Orlando is looking unchanged but definitely remorseful. Some female students who are attempting to do an incantation with the room temperature in order to get Orlando to take his top off have made the room unbearably hot.

Orlando- Listen, we both know I'm going to win. Miming isn't exactly a martial art anyway.

Seb gasps and then narrows his eyes- Now its personal.

He gets up purposefully.

******************************************

BACK AT THE THREE BROOMSTICKS

Chester- *Makes a noise that conveys incomprehension and latent homophobia at the same time. It comes out something like - guh?*

The three Death Eaters shove Chester and Sevvy out the door inconspicuously into the pub broom park. They all take off their hoods. The first is a smiley figure with long hair tied in a ponytail, the second has very high colouring and looks vaguely aristocratic, the third looks like an overgrown cherub with curly blonde hair and rosy cheeks.

Death Eater with long hair- I'm reeally sorry to bother you guys you know, but we're just trying to get "pro-active" here. We were just feeling some positive energy back at the lair, you know? Anyway it's just so great to be here, like, you know? Out in the field. Really re-affirms your Zen.

Sev- Wha..??

Death Eater- Well I'm Brutus The Insane *he does a little curtsy*, that's Vlad The "Likes-to-stick-pointy-things-into-people" *he points to the aristo and then the cherub* and that one over there looking a little shy is Bloodaxe Bob. We like to think of ourselves as the new face of Death Eaters, oh and really we prefer Necro-consumers, ok? Ok then! Now your choice of murder weapon is.oh wait, I mean...Eternal-rest-ificator - Bloodaxe Bob made that up (Mr. Bloodaxe blushes prettily). Big rushes of love to Bob everybody!

They all raise their hands, making heart symbols with their fingers and pointing at him.

Bloodaxe Bob- Aww you guys.

Brutus- Anyway, you have a choice between strangulation *waves a piece of rope*, chainsaw *Vlad revs one up a bit* or axe *Bob swings a very large one and smiles benignly*

Severus is still looking at them aghast. Chester elbows him.

Chester- Do something!

Severus- I just can't believe it! Death Eaters?? Making heart symbols?? It wasn't like that in my day I can tell you! And what happened to the good old-fashioned Avada Kedavra??

Ed- An unforgivable curse that instantly kills someone.

Brutus- We know these things take time. Don't worry we brought along the guitar.

Severus- I mean, the cheek of it. We were cool! They are a mockery of the word.

Chester- Look if you don't do something we're going to die!!

Brutus, Vlad and Bob in perfect harmony- "Someone's praying my lord kumbya."

Severus splutters- Freakin kumbya??

He gets out his wand

Sev- Expelliarmus!

All three of the Death Eaters are thrown backwards, ropes, chainsaws, axes, (and guitars) fly into the air and crash back down onto the unfortunate Death Eaters' heads.

Sev- *sneers at them* - Pathetic. Let's go.

He goes back into the Three Broomsticks leaving the Death Eaters unconscious on the floor. Chester hurries after him.

***

Sevvy strides purposefully towards the bar, his black cloak swirling in a magnificent fashion.

*Husky voice*- Hello Severus.

Sevvy turns round and curses inwardly. Madam Rosmerta the barmaid is leaning over the bar in a lascivious fashion. A reasonably sane and attractive woman, Madame Rosmerta had got it into her head that Severus was just a wounded little boy at heart who needed some tender loving care. And from her attitude a very grown up sort of TLC was indeed. Normally quite rational she somehow saw the sarcastic and bitter Sevvy as moody and Byronic. Sev had been fighting off her attentions for some time.

Sev *curtly*- Rosmerta.

Madame Rosmerta- I must say you do look.dashing today

Chester grins and nudges Sev before whispering "oi oi" in his ear. Sev looks at Chester in barely concealed irritation.

Sev- We need to borrow a broomstick. Fast.

Madame Rosmerta- *Batting her lashes* Oh I do love it when you act so manly and forceful. *She giggles*

Severus looks at her in undisguised disgust.

Sev- When I said fast, I meant fast.

Madame Rosmerta- *smiles at him* I'll see what I can do

Voice behind them- She doesn't have any spare broomsticks you know.

Sevvy swirls round.

Sev-*impassively*- You.

****************************

OUTSIDE

The death eaters are beginning to wake up. Brutus (the insane) wakes first and shakes the other two.

Brutus- I'm afraid he used a wand on us guys.

Vlad The "Likes-to-stick-pointy-things-into-people"- Jolly unsporting of him I think. We gave them a chance to choose their Eternal-rest-ificator and everything. It really hurts a chaps feelings.

Bloodaxe Bob comforts Vlad as he sniffles into a monogrammed hanky.

Brutus- Buck up guys. We can get through this. Have some patchouli oil.

They all dab some aromatherapy oils on their wrists.

Brutus- Isn't that relaxing now.

He gets up.

Brutus- However, not too relaxing guys. We gave them all those choices, we treated them fairly, and how do they repay us? Before, it was just another assignment, but they made Vlad cry so.

* Brutus crushes his fists together*

Brutus *grimly*- Now, its personal.

****************************

BACK INSIDE THE THREE BROOMSTICKS (don't you just love all these scene swaps?)

Sev- What are you doing here?

He is staring murderously at a beautiful young ginger haired woman wearing a purple robe that is attempting to cover a slinky black cat suit, but not having much luck.

Madame Rosmerta- Would someone care to explain to me what is going on.Sevvy dear, do you know this.girl?

Sev- No, not as such. I believe she attempted to rob my house once.then I bumped into her trying to get rid of some - no doubt stolen - booty in Borgin and Burkes a couple of weeks ago .so tell me my pretty, who are you and what are you doing here?

The girl begins to speak. She sounds like she has come straight out of a Jane Austen novel.

The girl- My name sir, is Elsie Waddleton.

Chester sniggers.

Elsie- Pray sir, explain why my name should fill you with such mirth? I was named after my great grandmother you know. I'm sure you wouldn't find it quite so amusing if you yourself were named after a beloved relative.

Chester's face drops.

Elsie- I see I have hit a nerve.so what is your name then young fellow?

Chester- Chester B. Humpledincker. And before you ask, my middle name is Belfry.named after my grandmother. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have laughed.

Elsie- My middle name is Dorcas.so I see we have something in common Chester Belfry Humpledincker. Let us not quarrel for we should be uniting against our common enemy: Voldemort.

Snape- You tried to rob my house! How dare you think you can just waltz in here and act like an ally!

Elsie- Oh but sir, if only you could understand my trials and tribulations. I steal only to provide for my younger sister. She is an invalid, unable to fend for herself after a most unfortunate accident involving a hippogriff and a spade. Oh sir, pray, have mercy on a poor gel - I mean giiirl - for I mean you no ill.

Snape's composure drops and for a moment a tear can be seen welling up in the corner of his eye, only to swiftly replaced with a glint of fury.or possibly pity.

Snape- Why should I trust you? You're a thief.and anyway, my father taught me never to trust gingers *recalls leaving Sebastian in charge of his fifth year Slytherins* Curses!

Elsie- You are right, you have no reason to trust me *casually fans her face as if to say "ooh isn't it hot in here" and removes her cloak to reveal her feline curves*

Although Sev's expressions rarely alter from the range of between irritated to downright livid, a look that says "I am now officially a broken man" now sweeps across his face.

Elsie- *a look of triumph on her face* So here's the plan, we go outside and kick some Death Eater butt.I mean, ooh dear would you look at that, it is way past my bedtime sir, my skin may begin to whither without enough sleep, then how will I ever be able to find myself a good husband? We had better dispose of those feral imbeciles.Oh Merlin, how vexing this all is to me.

Sev- Quite.but first, we must get Chester out of here, it isn't safe for him. This goon happens to hold the answer to Judemort's whereabouts and we can't risk losing him.but without any brooms.

Madame Rosemerta- I believe I can help you with that Sevvie dear.Chester, come with me.

Sev- Oh no, I dread to think what you might do to the boy. We need him in one piece Rosmerta.

Madame Rosmerta- Do not fear Sevvie, he'll be quite safe with me *winks at Chester and licks her lips*

She leads Chester away much to the horror of Sev. Little does he know however that Madame Rosmerta has Chester's best intentions at heart. Let's face it, even Rosie wouldn't want a piece of Chester, despite her nickname "the village broomstick" i.e. everyone's had a ride.or the village wand - everyone's had a spell with her.or the village spell book - no one can resist her charms.or the village owl - everyone's had a little present from her.in fact the list runs so long that by the time you get to "the village's Bertie Bott's every flavour bean - everyone's had a taste" you begin to think that maybe this writer is just taking the mickey. And maybe I am.but it's my story so there. All I am doing is trying to reiterate the fact that Madame Rosmerta is well known in Hogsmeade.for just like the village gardening implement, everyone's had a dig with this little hoe. However, do not fear for now is not the time for Chester to take a turn with Rosie (although right now he is busy slicking back his hair, puffing out his chest, and in general wishing he was slightly more manly than a Woody Allen impersonator). In fact, Rosie is actually helping him escape through that secret.sorry, *secret* corridor from the Three Broomsticks' cellar which, conveniently, leads directly through to Hogwarts. What a dear lass she is. Of course, Sev knows nothing of this secret corridor, and Madame Rosemerta wishes to keep it that way - she does good business with those Hogwarts lads, giving them a hand with their homework and all.*cough*

Madame Rosmerta- Come on then Chester.

Chester- But here is fine.

Madame Rosmerta- But Chester, we need to get out of here.

Chester begins unbuttoning his shirt revealing a ghostly complexion only ever witnessed whilst in the presence of.well.Sebastian and his mime mask quite frankly.

Madame Rosmerta- *feeling slightly nauseas* Chester, no.

Chester- But.

Madame Rosmerta- No.just.no.

Chester- Ok. Sorry.

So as Chester is led away by Madame Rosmerta Sev realises it is up to him to defend Chester, Elsie, and his beloved drinking establishment from the New Age death eaters.

It suddenly occurs to Sev that what he needs right now (apart from a stiff drink) is well.a couple more witches and wizards with him. As he is thinking what would be the best way to distract the Brady Bunch in order to make a run for it, he hears a scream outside. In horror he realises that Elsie has disappeared. *Mother of Merlin they've got her.oh well, savùùù Æ- 1?h°Ð/ °à=!° "°ì#? $?ê%° it.*

Sev- I'm coming Elsieeeee!