Notes:

Holidays – so more updating!! I promise!!! Kinda short, but nearly finished next one!
Want to read something weird and new? This is a blatant ad but hey, whatever:
http://www.savana_marsh.blogspot.com/
It's new, but be patient, follow and it might grow on you!

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Chris: Thank you! Well…you'll have to wait and see!

Rogue212: Thank you! Will do!
t_geyer: hello mate! Good to see you're still with me!!
J Yeah, I made this like,  Darla made the gypsies curse this girl with something horrible that would destroy Angelus' demon – she didn't know what it was, but when he started freaking, she ran off and left the country. (I underlined coz that bit is important for everyone!!)

Matthew: aww, thank you! Lovely guy!
Teri: muchas gracias amigo!
Ghostsforge: Thank you soooooo much! Ur fab!!! You made me feel *tingly* dammit!!
falcon_rider: thank you!! Go you!!! *pom poms come out and everyone starts to back away…quickly*

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Stuff between these lines:

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are song/poem lyrics, disclaimed at beginning of episode if necessary.

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Spike slammed his front door. He had no idea what to do with himself, he paced back and forth, he shook his head, he punched the wall, he growled and finally he stormed into the bathroom for a shower.

Shedding his clothing with a certain abandon, he flipped the shower on practically boiling and slipped in.

"FUCKING HELL!" he screamed. It made him feel a little better.

"Damn him. Damn him to hell AGAIN." Spike hit the shower wall and bit his lower lip, angry with himself for being so weak.

*Stop it you bloody nonce, stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it*

But the tears came nonetheless and an ever present, only ignored, longing overwhelmed him. A century of independence, of blood and whores to his hearts delight, power and domination… and still he longer for his Sire, to be protected, to be held, to be owned. It wasn't masochism- it was need. Angelus was born to be a Sire just as Will was born to be cared for as Childe. There was a time when Spike believed they were born to serve those purposes with each other. But he had been wrong.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I've got Spine on look out." Angel trudged into the hotel, weary and with the classic signs of pre-hours-of-brooding-mode.

"SPIKE?" Cordelia frowned and tilted her head, furrowed her eyebrows and scrunched up her nose as if to check if something was wrong with the dark haired vampire.

"Trust me Cordelia, he won't hurt Connor, he'll send him right here."

"You could have at least put Buffy on watch."

"I can't be bothered with the whole explaining and emotional uplifting it'll cause just yet. Please Cordelia."

"Okay, it's your call."

Angel nodded his thanks and left to think things through. After checking that Dru was indeed still asleep, he settled himself in an armchair to think.

Ever since he had renewed the bond with Dru, he had been feeling a little too comfortable in 'Angelus' mode. Little traditions and words, ways of speaking, that he had thought belonged to the demon alone, seemed to slip into his actions. On top of that, he had been remembering more of the moments that the demon loved. Moments with Dru, with Darla, travelling…but mostly moments with Will. Angel could not, with good faith, say that Angelus had been a bad Sire. On the contrary, Angelus had probably been the most passionate, devoted, loving Sire the vampire community had ever possessed.

Could there possibly be good qualities about a demon?

*Yes* Angel sighed, realising that his age-old philosophy was coming under severe scrutiny.

Dru gave up her natural instincts because of her LOVE for Connor. Love? Wasn't that something only a soul could give and posses? Apparently not. If vampires could love, then Angelus had truly loved his childer. It would be an insult to him to say that he did not.

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Surely Will would understand? Angel could go to him could he not? No…no…Will cared too much for the hunt, he was a demon besides, cold and heartless. Incapable of LOVE, for only love could cause him to give up his vampiric lifestyle. Love or a soul and it was Angel only who had a soul.

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Had Angel been wrong all those years ago? Should he have gone back to Will? Would his mate have accepted him, even with a soul? Would Will have given up the hunt, the whole lifestyle in his prime? Because, if, and only if, Angel went along with the idea that vampires could love…

He shook himself, *no, it can't be…*

Would his Will have done all that for…love?

Drusilla had done so for her love for Connor only.

Will and Angelus had been mates.

And suddenly Angel realised he had made a mistake. Not only had he broken a promise, he had made a terrible mistake.

Sitting up in the chair, he started panting, overcome with the pain that came with the realisation:

Will would have left it all for a second. For Angelus or Angel.

And Angel had underestimated that, because of the hatred of vampires that the soul brought with it. Not even giving his Childe a chance, he had left.

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"Rest easy Will, I will return to ye."

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And with that realisation, Angel wept. 100 years of pain and solitude could have been averted with a little trust.

If I cried, would you review? Coz I can do that y'know…*runs to get onion and backup sledgehammer*