Unworthy

How could I be a father? My former lover just dropped the baby off. Leaving me holding the bag, so to speak.

"It's your child, you deal with it."

It was plainly visible that the baby boy was my child, even as small as he was, he resembled me strongly.

I had no idea how to care for a baby. I felt overwhelmed. I had no model or guide to go by as I had been orphaned myself and raised by my aunt. I could face monsters and criminals and rebuild ancient ruins, but I was completely baffled by caring for a baby.

In the end, there was really only one thing I could do. I took him to my only living relatives on remote Whale Island. I did not really want to leave him, he was a sweet baby and I had grown fond of him. However, I had many other things that I needed to accomplish and my cousin readily accepted responsibility for him. Agreeing to raise him as her own son.

She begged me to stay, pleaded with me to visit. She said Gon needed his father. Time after time, something always interfered, so I never could seem to get back to be with Gon.

Finally, my cousin took me to court and sued for guardianship and to terminate my parental rights, giving her complete control. The court agreed. Though the judge was duly impressed by my credentials; the hard truth stood out in stark relief, I was a wanderer. I could not supply Gon with a stable, safe environment. I could not meet the needs of a growing child. I could not even be bothered to come for a visit. The facts pointed out so harshly shamed me. I realized I would never be able to fill Gon's needs, so I gave in. I hoped it was for the best.

I had to honor my word to my cousin, I could not see Gon. She explained that it would only hurt him more to have me flit in and out of his life, present then absent. It would seem as though, he were being abandoned again and again. I reluctantly agreed to her demands and stepped away from Gon's life.

I found myself in a position one day, to confide my feelings to a close friend. He listened to me pour out my heart, my insecurities and desires to help Gon someday. After I had described how curious, observant, and clever Gon was even as a baby, he agreed with me that Gon would probably be a hunter when he was older. He suggested that I find a way to train him, to be an elite hunter, as I had devoted my life to becoming. However, because of my pledge to my cousin, I could not see him again.

From this desire to somehow help Gon be strong. Greed Island was created. It was the ultimate training ground, difficult, dangerous and complicated. Through this game he would learn to survive, to fight and to excel. It was the best way I could think of to guide him through the path of becoming a man.

After I sent the package to my cousin to hold for Gon; I determined that I would become the best hunter in the world. To give him something to admire and a reason to be proud of me.

I feared he would try to find me when he was older, that would violate my word to my cousin, and also, it would place me in the awkward position of having to explain myself to my son. I was a coward I admit it freely. The only thing in this world I was truly scared of was seeing the contempt in the eyes of my son as he looked at me. So I vowed that he would not find me. If somehow, he did locate me, I would have to answer those questions. Finally tell the truth to him and myself. Accept his words and desires and go on. Even if my heart was broken.