DISCLAIMER: I still don't own any of the characters in this story. Or any of the Rowling terminology (i.e. "Quidditch"). But I did coin the phrase "Secret Love Bunny" and am damn proud of it.

The next morning, Harry and Ron trudged downstairs to the great hall. Harry piled his plate with food, but did not feel like eating. He sat in thought, poking at his pickled herring.

"Harry, what's the matter?" Hermione asked, noting his strange behavior.

"I got a letter from my 'Secret Love Bunny'," Harry responded. "And when I went to bed Dobby was there and started muttering all this gibberish about my impending doom and then he killed himself."

"What's a 'Secret Love Bunny'?" Ron asked.

Harry explained the whole Love Bunny ordeal. When he finished, Ron fell off his chair, because he was laughing so hard.

"AHAHAHAHAHA HARRY HAS A SECRET LOVE BUNNY!" Ron screeched, rolling around on the floor.

"Ron, shhh!" Harry pleaded. But it was too late.

"A Secret Love Bunny?" said a snooty voice from behind. "How…*cute*. Bet it's Ginny Weasley."

Ginny, who was seated a few ways down from her brother, heard, and her face turned as red as strawberry jam. At the mention of Harry, her crush, she knocked over a pitcher and sent a river of pumpkin juice down Neville's lap who had the misfortune of sitting across from her. Harry turned around. "What do you want, Malfoy?" Harry asked coldly.

"Nothing from you, Potter. I just couldn't help but overhear you loud, unpleasant voice."

"That's EXACTLY what I said!" called Oliver from the end of the table.

"So, another lemming has fallen for the amazing Harry Potter, eh?" Draco stated amusedly.

"What have you got up your sleeve, Malfoy?" Ron grilled, picking himself off the floor.

"Certainty nothing for you, Weasley. My family already made a donation to the poor."

Ron's head began shaking with rage, and his face turned as red the Gryffindor Quidditch robes.

"Draco, leave us alone," Hermione demanded.

"Well if it isn't the little mudblood," Draco drawled.

"Don't call her that, Malfoy," Harry warned.

"Don't call her what? Mudblood? You mean M-U-D…" Draco began singing the word as though he were singing the Mickey Mouse Club Theme.

Crabbe and Goyle joined in. "B-L-O…"

"Why?" Draco added. "Because we hate you."

The Slytherins heard their loud singing and sang along.

"O-OooOooh-Deeee!"

They all howled with laughter.

Ron's head began shaking with rage. It looked like a cherry bomb was about to explode. Harry poured a cool glass of water over his head to keep him from frying.

"Well Potter, I have to be on my way. Quidditch practice is about to start and the team can't function without their star seeker," Draco drawled. "That's me," he added, just to make sure everyone knew.

"Well durr," Hermione mumbled.

Draco snapped his fingers. "Draco away!" and with that command Crabbe and Goyle hoisted him up (with much grunting) and carried him away.

"It's all right Ron, he's not worth it," Hermione insisted.

Quite suddenly Hedwig slammed into Harry's head, titling his glasses askew.

"Geez Hedwig, have you been flying drunk?" Harry asked.

"Hoot coo hoot HOOT!" Hedwig snipped, as she drunkenly flew up to the owlery, hitting the heads of some unsuspecting first years as she passed.

"Harry, what is it?" Hermione asked of the small piece of parchment in his hand.

"Is it your SECRET LOVE BUNNY?" Ron teased, and Harry threw his half-eating pickled herring at him.

"Aw bullocks," Ron cursed, "I thought we were done with heaving old food at me."

Harry ignored Ron and read the note. It simply said

"Please see me at my office. The password is "Sweet Tarts".

-Albus Dumbledore

"It's from Professor Dumbledore," Harry shared.

"Wonder what he wants from you, Harry?" Ron asked, reeking of herring.

"I thought he was in Yemen for a Goblin Conference!" Hermione noted. Then a great hole opened from beneath her chair and she fell into it, which is what she got for pointing out the author's stupidity. "I mean, I wonder if it's about the curse!" Hermione mused from inside the hole. "Why don't you go and find out?"

"Okay," Harry agreed, and he set off for Dumbledore's office.

After a long walk up the spiral staircase, Harry arrived at Dumbledore's door. "Sweet Tarts!" he commanded, and was let in.

"Ah, Harry," Dumbledore croaked, sounding like he was going to die at any minute, just like in the movie. "Please, sit down."

Harry obeyed Dumbledore's request and sat in a plush chair across from Dumbledore, who was seated at his desk.

"You wanted to see me, sir?" Harry prompted.

"Oh, Harry. Harry, Harry."

"Er…yes, sir?"

"Harry, Harry, Harry."

"Yes?"

Dumbledore paused for a moment, and stared at Harry with glassy eyes. Then he abruptly stood up, knocking a sneakoscope off his desk in the process.

"Hello Harry. Please sit down."

"Professor…I am sitting down."

"Oh! So you are." Dumbledore paused, sat down, and then paused again. "Would you like a cookie?"

"A cookie, sir?"

"Why yes, I'd love one!" Dumbledore smiled.

Harry stared curiously at Dumbledore

…Who continued to smile.

Harry cleared his throat.

"Well, where is my cookie?" Dumbledore asked.

"I don't have a cookie, sir."

"Ah, Harry. This is one of life's greatest lessons. If you have a cookie, you should share it, but if you do not have it, you must not offer it. You cannot offer all of life's cookies, Harry," Dumbledore preached.

Harry sat dumbfounded. "Er, sir, why did you ask me to see you?"

"Ah, Harry, yes, please, sit down."

"Oh…all right." For the sake of the befuddled old man, Harry stood up, and sat back down.

"Harry, Harry. I have some wise words of advice for you, if you may be so brave as to listen to them."

"Yes, sir."

"One: do not expect others to give you the purple monkey of desire. If you want to gain the purple monkey, you must achieve it through the yellow goose. The yellow goose knows what three birds in the bush is worth, and they are more important than a needle in a haystack."

Harry stared at Dumbledore. "Er…what?"

"Yes?"

"What did that mean?"

"What did what mean?"

"That 'purple monkey of desire' speech?"

"There's a purple funny friar? The Purple Funny Friar is here?!?! Well let him in dear boy, let him in!!"

"What??" Harry asked with alarm.

"The door, Harry. If you would please be so kind to answer the door." Dumbledore smiled.

Harry, more confused than Neville in potions, walked to the door, and opened it.

"Sir…there's no one there," he reported.

Dumbledore stood up. "Purple Funny Friar! How wonderful to see you! Come in please, come in!"

Harry stared at the empty doorway. "Sir…I really don't think-

"Oh nonsense Harry, he's invisible!" Dumbledore paused. "Hello? Purple Funny Friar? Where did you go?"

Dumbledore began waving his hands around in the air, perhaps hoping to touch the invisible (or non-existent) friar.

"Oh dear Harry, I'm afraid I've made a mistake." Dumbledore frowned. "There is no friar here." He sat down, dejected. "Harry, please close the door."

Harry smiled weakly. "Don't be glum, sir. It happens to all of us." Harry crossed to the door and shut it.

"Come in!" Dumbledore announced, smiling cheerily.

Harry stared at Dumbledore.

Dumbledore smiled back.

Harry gave him a confused look.

Dumbledore continued to smile.

Harry sighed.

"Harry, hello. Please sit down."

Harry rolled his eyes and sat down in his chair. "Professor, did you want to talk to me or not?" Harry said, with as much politeness as he could muster.

"Yes, yes, yes dear boy, there will be plenty of time to talk. But not now! It's teatime! Clean cup, move down!" Dumbledore stood up and hit a gong behind him.

"What??" Harry asked, more confused than before.

Dumbledore began circling around his desk to Harry's seat.

"Move down Harry, so you can have a clean cup."

Harry stared at the smiling Dumbledore, shrugged, and circled the desk. He sat in Dumbledore's seat.

"Wonderful!" the professor exclaimed. "And now, for the tea!" He clapped his hands. An anvil fell through the ceiling, blasted straight through the desk, and crashed through the next twenty floors.

"So sorry!" Dumbledore called down. "Dear me, I've seem to forgotten just how to work these things," he muttered, staring at his hands. "Hmm…let's try…this!" He clapped his hands twice.

Harry's chair burst into flames. "YYYEEEOWCH!!!" Harry screamed, darting up from his seat, black smoke burning from his bottom.

"Gracious!" Dumbledore exclaimed. He grabbed a wand on his desk. "Aquarius aquannious!" He shouted, waving his wand. It began to rain heavily inside the office.

"AAAaaaahhhh…" Harry sighed with relief, as his bum cooled. The rain ceased.

"You know, I think I've really got it this time," Dumbledore said confidently, raising his hands for another clap.

"No, really Professor, it's okay, I don't want any te-

"Tea please!" Dumbledore commanded, clapping his hands.

A teapot appeared on the table, along with two cups and saucers. Harry ducked. He looked up, saw the harmless tea set, and calmed.

"Thank goodness," he muttered.

"Tea, Harry?" Dumbledore offered.

"Sure, why not," Harry murmured warily.

Dumbledore poured a cup for Harry and himself. He had a sip. "Delicious," he declared. "Harry, look, we're soaking wet. Perhaps I should dry us off?"

"No, I don't mind water, it keeps me hydrated," Harry insisted, slurping his tea. He began to stand up. "I should go-

"Windy mindy!" Dumbledore shouted, and at once a heavy wind blew through the open window. It caught papers and swirled them up in the air, and tossed Harry's hair around. After a few seconds, everything was dry. "Windy go bye-bye!" Dumbledore commanded. It got windier. Harry gripped the back of his chair to keep from blowing away.

"Hmmm…windy go bye-bye pleasey weasey?" Dumbledore asked. Percy fell through the open hole in the ceiling, and got swept up in the storm.

"AAAGAGGGHHH I'M A PREFECT!!" Percy screamed, as he slammed into object after object. "PERFECTS SHOULD NOT BE TREATED IN SUCH A MATTER!!! I WILL INFORM THE MINISTRY!!!"

"I said 'weasey' not 'Weasley'!" Dumbledore yelled. The wind stopped. Percy slammed into the floor. He groaned with pain.

Dumbledore calmly sat down. "Percy Weasley, what are you doing here?" he asked.

"I don't know sir!" Percy shouted, close to tears.

"Dumbledore's a bit balmy today," Harry whispered to poor Percy. "Run. Run for your life. Run like the devil possessed you."

Percy nodded, a bit frightened. "Goodbye sir!" he yelled to Dumbledore, and shot out of the room.

"Curious young gentleman," Dumbledore remarked. "Reminds me of myself when I was young, except for the red hair, and the freckles, and the fact that he doesn't remind me of myself at all."

"Professor," Harry pleaded, "I really think I should go. I'll be late to class."

"But Harry," Dumbledore protested, "I didn't finish dispensing advice. Please, sit down."

Harry buried his face in his hands. "Pleeeeease…please don't make me," Harry said desperately.

"Then you may stand. I will tell you this: there is something after you, Harry. I have always been a firm believer in the truth. And the truth is, your hair looks is a menace to society. You are in grave danger, Harry. But there is something that can protect you."

Harry paused. Perhaps this was advice he could use, he thought. "Yes?"

"Love, Harry. Love. Love can protect you. Love is like a battlefield. Love lifts you up where you belong. Love is all you need. Love is like a river, peaceful and deep. Love love me do, Harry. Love love me do."

Harry sighed and stared at Dumbledore, who was smiling.

"Evol is love spelled backwards, Harry."

"I realize that, sir."

"And evol is the begging of evolution."

"Yes…I suppose it is," Harry said slowly, backing towards the door.

"And evolution is like elevation. Elevation!" Dumbledore said, raising his arms. "El-ev-a-shun!!!"

Harry felt his hand on the doorknob. "Yes, sir."

"And elevation is like an elevator, but an elevator is not an elephant. Never forget this, Harry."

Harry nodded. He slowly opened the door. "I won't sir." He stepped out into the doorway.

"And an elephant never forgets! Never!"

Harry turned around and ran for his life. Behind him he could hear Dumbledore yell "Harry, wait! I would like my cookie! My cookie! HAAARRRRRRYYYY!"