Harry Potter Sends a Message Trying Not to Violate the No Spam Rule

"Hello readers!" Harry said brightly in the Gryffindor common room one day.

"Er, Harry? Who are you talking to?" Ron asked, perplexed.

"Why, the readers of course!"

"Me?" asked Hermione, who glanced up from Hogwarts: A History.

"No. The readers," Harry said patiently.

"Harry, you're balmy today," Fred remarked from the floor, who was playing exploding snaps with George.

"Yeah Harry, balmy and nutters," George added.

"Balmy, nutters, and loony," Fred added.

"Balmy, nutters, loony, and off-his-rocker," George dared.

"Balmy, nutters, loony, off-his-rocker, and nutty!"

"Ha! You lost! Nutters and nutty are the same thing!" George declared triumphantly.

"Oh bullocks," Fred cursed good-naturedly.

"So Harry, what's this announcement you have?" Hermione asked.

"I just wanted to tell all the readers that the author is not being lazy and feels bad for not updating but she's very busy and is just not satisfied with chapter seven at all."

"But Harry!" Hermione gasped. "Isn't this in violation of the no-spam rule? Isn't this technically considered spam?"

"Not the way I look at it, Hermione. You see, this isn't just an announcement, oh no. This has to deal with the plot. This is a crucial part of the story."

"How is announcing that the author is a lazy prat part of our plot?" Ron said quizzically.

"One: the author is not lazy, and two: try saying that three times fast!"

"You're a real crack-up Harry," Ron answered.

"I know."

Hermione pursed her lips in thought. "I don't know Harry. This really seems to me like it's an example of 'non-fic' and is frowned upon."

"But it isn't, Hermione. Had we not announced this, than Voldemort would have killed me."

"Harry, that doesn't make any sense."

"And neither does this fic," Harry responded. "Not any of it. Voldemort is taking the time to give me bad hair, Ron is actually calling Voldemort by name, you have a never-ending supply of food to throw, Dumbledore is a raging idiot lunatic, I'm getting notes from a 'Secret Love Bunny', there's a book called Curses for Dummies in the library, you fell into a gigantic hole and miraculously got out, we keep referring to ourselves as though we know we're in a story, -

"ENOUGH! I get it! Sorry I asked!" and with that outburst, Hermione turned back to her book.

"The author would also like to say that her muse has left her, and she cannot write anything remotely funny."

"Like the last several chapters, for instance?" Ron asked.

Guys, this isn't cool. The characters aren't supposed to fight back.

"I'm not fighting – I'm simply pointing out your various flaws."

Okay, but enough already.

"Really, when are you going to continue our story? I want to know what happens to my hair."

You know what, Harry? Give me a freaking break. I am doing my best. I simply ran out of inspiration, and I'm doing like, 24242498246 other things, and I'm not feeling well.

"This is just so sad. You're having a conversation with yourself."

Am not.

"Are too."

Why are you so mean to me? Harry Potter is supposed to be nice.

"Harry Potter is sick of being nice."

Harry, I don't like your attitude.

"I'm sorry, I'm just a bit irritable lately."

Yeah, well…

"Can I just ask a question?"

What is it, Ron.

"Why does food get thrown at me?"

I dunno. It sounded funny.

"It's not."

I think it is.

"It's getting old."

No it isn't.

"Yeah, it is."

No it isn't.

"Yeah it-

BONK!

"OOOOOWWCH!!! GEEZ! THAT BLOODY HURT!! COCONUTS TO THE HEAD ARE ACTUALLY QUITE PAINFUL!!"

Aahahahahahahaha. See? It's still funny.

(And yes, I'll be shipped off to St. Mungo's any day now. Look, here come the men in the white coats. Whheeeeee!)