AUTHOR'S NOTE: This has nothing to do with the story, but I would just like to tell you that my friend had this really weird dream and it's corrupted both my and her brains. We were all in the Fellowship as alternate people, my friend was Legolas' girlfriend, I was Strider's older sister (I tried to kill him) and my other friend, who had the dream, was Qui-gon Jinn from star wars. Er... on with the story.

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. My garbage man keeps throwing away my house, thinking it's JUST a box.

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Dear anonymous,

Yes, it is I, Legolas Greenleaf. Are you surprised?

If you are a Mary-Sue author, you are probably wondering when I will be able to get into bed with you. The answer is NEVER. I hate you people who think I will, for no self respecting Elf would ever- how do you humans describe it? - make out with any human. (Exceptions include Arwen and Aragorn since they truly love each other). Please, if you are to write anything like it, tell me first so I may sail to the Undying lands, away from any computer or offer myself as a sacrifice to the Orcs.

In other words, NO ONE likes Mary-Sue stories, and I would gladly offer you my blood for you to stop.

Also, all the people who call me 'Leggy' or 'Lego' are quite annoying by Elven standards. My mother did not name me Legolas just to have it shortened. However, you may call me Salogel, because I am obliged to not listen, because that is not my name. (Well, it is, just backwards.) But if you already call me 'Leggy' and cannot be persuaded to change your opinion, that is fine. But those who are thinking of calling me that, I beg you not to, for I will surely plead King Elessar to remove my head. It will spare me the pain and annoyance.

And I do realize, ever since the coming of the first movie, the Fellowship of the Ring, that my popularity has increased. I am not sure whether it is a good thing, since more and more SLASH and Character death/ torture stories seem to be appearing on my behalf. If you enjoy staring at me, and have a picture of me on your desk top, I am to remind you that the picture is NOT me, but of Orlando Bloom.

There is a difference.

You are probably captivated by HIS looks, and not mine, since the movie was filmed on Earth, and not Middle-Earth, and I was not able to be in the movie. So therefore, you are not obliged to say that I wash my hair every day (I don't, not EVERY day anyways), nor am I obsessed with shampoo, since I am not. The hair on the set is FAKE, and it merely looks like it's been worked each day for centuries. My hair, the real thing, looks very, very different. Not better, and not worse, just different. For one thing, it's real.

From browsing around fanfiction.net, I have come across many torture stories from where I am screaming in agony and/or begging for mercy (I have noticed that I usually receive none, or am killed). It does not anger me if you do so, just do not practice the art, if you can call it that, of torment on any living being, be it elf or human.

I truly apologize for any aroused feelings, and that you not try any murder attempt on the author or send any flames, since I am the one that sent her this letter. Please, continue writing, whatever your style, and may you remain faithful to it.

Yours truly,

Legolas Greenleaf.

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A/N: Is it normal to receive this letter every time you attempt to write a fanfic? Because I have over four hundred and fifty.

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