Lord of the Thing
Nobody quite knows what it is...
Chapter 2
The Council of Sloppy Joe's
Spam changed into his uniform - a pair of ripped pants and a stained shirt. "They sure know how to depict 'sloppy,'" he said to himself as he made his way back to the kitchen. He arrived to find Mary and Poppins covered in cookie dough. Apparently they had given up on cockroaches and resigned to flinging globs of it at each other. Afrodo was still in the corner stirring the mud, which tuned out to be the chili. Spam walked over.
"Hi Afrodo," he muttered.
Afrodo looked up. "Hey Spam." Looking down at Spam's clothes, he added "So Bobo hired you? I thought he would."
"Yup."
" In my opinion, this is the best job in the world! It gives me a chance to let the world know my talents," he said, motioning to the chili.
"Hmm...um, Afrodo?"
"Yes, Spam?"
"Can I ask you what exactly the Thing is?"
"I don't know what it is; nobody really knows what it is except Bobo."
"Oh. Are you going to be my boss?"
"Yes. Bobo just owns the restaurant. He doesn't work at all."
Suddenly, Mary running past with his head covered in cockroaches interrupted them. Apparently the two hadn't grown tired of the bugs after all. "AFRODO!" he cried. "HELP ME!"
"I'll be right back," said Afrodo. "See you in a bit."
Spam's first few weeks went by uneventful enough, unless you could count Mary and Poppins nearly setting the restaurant on fire three times anything new. Spam alternated working in the kitchen with working at the register.
One day after closing, Bobo ran out of his office shouting.
"Boys!" he cried, panicked. His hair was a mess and he looked disheveled. "Into my office! Now! Quickly!" he shouted as he rounded the hobbits up, herded them into his office, and sat them into chairs. He locked the door and peeked through the keyhole to check if anyone was outside. The restaurant was empty. He plopped down exhaustedly into the chair behind his desk.
"Bonjour, monsieur!" Poppins said cheerily.
"Ca va?" asked Mary.
"Ca va tres mal!" said Bobo. "I mean, I'm doing horribly! Look at this!" He held up a pickle.
"So?" asked Afrodo. "I don't see what's wrong with it."
"Look!" insisted Bobo.
"I don't see anything either," replied Spam.
"IT'S A CAMERA!" cried Bobo. "And now look!" He put the pickle on the table. Nothing happened. "It's a device to first find and then steal the Thing! The person who made this could become a millionaire if the got the Thing!"
"Oh la la!" cried Mary and Poppins.
"That's right!" yelled Bobo. "And I bet I know who's responsible!"
"Who?" everyone asked.
"He doesn't have a name, so we'll call him 'Nameless,'" Bobo started like a storyteller telling a ghost story around a campfire. "As a child he watched too much Spongebob Squarepants. He became a huge fan of the character Plankton, and vowed to be like him someday. Now he goes around stealing other peoples' secret recipes and ingredients! HE WANTS THE THING! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?"
"Cartoons are educational?" asked Afrodo.
"Le fromage est petit?" asked Mary.
"Le porc est grand?" asked Poppins.
"Mary and Poppins are insane?" asked Spam. "But wait! I already knew that!"
"No, you dimwits!" cried Bobo. "I means that we have to destroy the Thing!"
"Okay!" interrupted Afrodo. "Let's burn it!"
"Great idea!" answered Bobo. He lit a match and held it to the Thing. Nothing happened.
"What's up with that?" asked Spam.
Suddenly, Afrodo had a bright idea.
"Let's launch it into space!" he cried.
"Or throw it in the ocean!" added Spam.
"Or dig a hole to China and leave it there!" continued Afrodo.
"Or throw it into the lion cage at the zoo!" added Spam.
"Or toss it into the Grand Canyon!"
"Or flush it down the toilet!"
"Oh! Les toilettes!" cried Poppins.
"NO! NO! NO!" yelled Bobo over the hubbub. "Nameless will be able to find it that way! We will have to ask Dandruff for advice."
Just then, miraculously on time, Dandruff walked into the office. He was a tall man with long hair. Nobody knew what color his hair really was: it was so covered in dandruff that it looked gray. That was how he got his nickname. Nobody knew what his real name was, either.
"Dandruff!" cried Afrodo. The two had been friends for as long as he could remember. "Could you help us?"
"Yes, I could," he replied. "If what Bobo has found really is a device to steal the Thing, then we will have to destroy the Thing. To do that we will have to go on a journey."
"Why?" asked Spam.
"Oui, pourqoi?" asked Mary.
"LISTEN!" snapped Dandruff. "We will have to travel to the top of Mount Ain."
"What will we do there? And what if it isn't a device to steal the Thing?" asked Afrodo.
"I will tell you at a later date," replied Dandruff.
"Do we have to?" whined Afrodo.
"Yes, we do. You don't want to? Well - too bad, so sad! But I have arranged to have others accompany us."
"Qui?" asked Poppins.
"Yeah, who?" asked Afrodo.
"Us!" shouted a voice from outside. Three humans, one dwarf, and one elf strode in.
"Hey! I thought I locked the door!" shouted Bobo.
"I would like you all to meet these fine men," said Dandruff, motioning to the newcomers. "This is Airhorn, Bore Me, Eggymess, and Dimli."
"Um, Dandruff?" Afrodo whispered to him. "How exactly did Eggymess get his name?"
"When he was born, birds flew overhead and dropped stuff on him. Thinking it was eggs, his parents gave him the name. Unfortunately, it wasn't eggs."
"Eww," replied Afrodo.
"'Eww' is right," said Dandruff.
Interrupting, Poppins leaped up into Dandruff's face. "Hey, Dandruff?" he asked. "Mount Ain is far away! We can't walk can we? Can we? So can we take a car, a cool car, please? Please? Une tres chouette auto, sil vous plait?"
"No, we will be going by horseback," replied Dandruff. "Cars are a lot of money. Plus, I just coincidentally got nine horses for free!"
Oh, okay," replied Poppins, depressed. "I guess un tres laid cheval will have to do."
"It better," replied Dandruff. "I now pronounce us, with the exception of Bobo, THE ENTOURAGE OF THE THING! Now let's get some sleep!"
Nobody quite knows what it is...
Chapter 2
The Council of Sloppy Joe's
Spam changed into his uniform - a pair of ripped pants and a stained shirt. "They sure know how to depict 'sloppy,'" he said to himself as he made his way back to the kitchen. He arrived to find Mary and Poppins covered in cookie dough. Apparently they had given up on cockroaches and resigned to flinging globs of it at each other. Afrodo was still in the corner stirring the mud, which tuned out to be the chili. Spam walked over.
"Hi Afrodo," he muttered.
Afrodo looked up. "Hey Spam." Looking down at Spam's clothes, he added "So Bobo hired you? I thought he would."
"Yup."
" In my opinion, this is the best job in the world! It gives me a chance to let the world know my talents," he said, motioning to the chili.
"Hmm...um, Afrodo?"
"Yes, Spam?"
"Can I ask you what exactly the Thing is?"
"I don't know what it is; nobody really knows what it is except Bobo."
"Oh. Are you going to be my boss?"
"Yes. Bobo just owns the restaurant. He doesn't work at all."
Suddenly, Mary running past with his head covered in cockroaches interrupted them. Apparently the two hadn't grown tired of the bugs after all. "AFRODO!" he cried. "HELP ME!"
"I'll be right back," said Afrodo. "See you in a bit."
Spam's first few weeks went by uneventful enough, unless you could count Mary and Poppins nearly setting the restaurant on fire three times anything new. Spam alternated working in the kitchen with working at the register.
One day after closing, Bobo ran out of his office shouting.
"Boys!" he cried, panicked. His hair was a mess and he looked disheveled. "Into my office! Now! Quickly!" he shouted as he rounded the hobbits up, herded them into his office, and sat them into chairs. He locked the door and peeked through the keyhole to check if anyone was outside. The restaurant was empty. He plopped down exhaustedly into the chair behind his desk.
"Bonjour, monsieur!" Poppins said cheerily.
"Ca va?" asked Mary.
"Ca va tres mal!" said Bobo. "I mean, I'm doing horribly! Look at this!" He held up a pickle.
"So?" asked Afrodo. "I don't see what's wrong with it."
"Look!" insisted Bobo.
"I don't see anything either," replied Spam.
"IT'S A CAMERA!" cried Bobo. "And now look!" He put the pickle on the table. Nothing happened. "It's a device to first find and then steal the Thing! The person who made this could become a millionaire if the got the Thing!"
"Oh la la!" cried Mary and Poppins.
"That's right!" yelled Bobo. "And I bet I know who's responsible!"
"Who?" everyone asked.
"He doesn't have a name, so we'll call him 'Nameless,'" Bobo started like a storyteller telling a ghost story around a campfire. "As a child he watched too much Spongebob Squarepants. He became a huge fan of the character Plankton, and vowed to be like him someday. Now he goes around stealing other peoples' secret recipes and ingredients! HE WANTS THE THING! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?"
"Cartoons are educational?" asked Afrodo.
"Le fromage est petit?" asked Mary.
"Le porc est grand?" asked Poppins.
"Mary and Poppins are insane?" asked Spam. "But wait! I already knew that!"
"No, you dimwits!" cried Bobo. "I means that we have to destroy the Thing!"
"Okay!" interrupted Afrodo. "Let's burn it!"
"Great idea!" answered Bobo. He lit a match and held it to the Thing. Nothing happened.
"What's up with that?" asked Spam.
Suddenly, Afrodo had a bright idea.
"Let's launch it into space!" he cried.
"Or throw it in the ocean!" added Spam.
"Or dig a hole to China and leave it there!" continued Afrodo.
"Or throw it into the lion cage at the zoo!" added Spam.
"Or toss it into the Grand Canyon!"
"Or flush it down the toilet!"
"Oh! Les toilettes!" cried Poppins.
"NO! NO! NO!" yelled Bobo over the hubbub. "Nameless will be able to find it that way! We will have to ask Dandruff for advice."
Just then, miraculously on time, Dandruff walked into the office. He was a tall man with long hair. Nobody knew what color his hair really was: it was so covered in dandruff that it looked gray. That was how he got his nickname. Nobody knew what his real name was, either.
"Dandruff!" cried Afrodo. The two had been friends for as long as he could remember. "Could you help us?"
"Yes, I could," he replied. "If what Bobo has found really is a device to steal the Thing, then we will have to destroy the Thing. To do that we will have to go on a journey."
"Why?" asked Spam.
"Oui, pourqoi?" asked Mary.
"LISTEN!" snapped Dandruff. "We will have to travel to the top of Mount Ain."
"What will we do there? And what if it isn't a device to steal the Thing?" asked Afrodo.
"I will tell you at a later date," replied Dandruff.
"Do we have to?" whined Afrodo.
"Yes, we do. You don't want to? Well - too bad, so sad! But I have arranged to have others accompany us."
"Qui?" asked Poppins.
"Yeah, who?" asked Afrodo.
"Us!" shouted a voice from outside. Three humans, one dwarf, and one elf strode in.
"Hey! I thought I locked the door!" shouted Bobo.
"I would like you all to meet these fine men," said Dandruff, motioning to the newcomers. "This is Airhorn, Bore Me, Eggymess, and Dimli."
"Um, Dandruff?" Afrodo whispered to him. "How exactly did Eggymess get his name?"
"When he was born, birds flew overhead and dropped stuff on him. Thinking it was eggs, his parents gave him the name. Unfortunately, it wasn't eggs."
"Eww," replied Afrodo.
"'Eww' is right," said Dandruff.
Interrupting, Poppins leaped up into Dandruff's face. "Hey, Dandruff?" he asked. "Mount Ain is far away! We can't walk can we? Can we? So can we take a car, a cool car, please? Please? Une tres chouette auto, sil vous plait?"
"No, we will be going by horseback," replied Dandruff. "Cars are a lot of money. Plus, I just coincidentally got nine horses for free!"
Oh, okay," replied Poppins, depressed. "I guess un tres laid cheval will have to do."
"It better," replied Dandruff. "I now pronounce us, with the exception of Bobo, THE ENTOURAGE OF THE THING! Now let's get some sleep!"
