Lord of the Thing
Nobody quite knows what it is...
Chapter 3
Of Horses and Horse Poo
The next day, The Entourage of the Thing set out from Sloppy Joe's. Bobo waved good-bye, secretly cursing them under his breath for not letting him come. The birds were chirping, the flowers blooming and the bunnies frolicking in the grass as they were the day Spam was hired at Sloppy Joe's. Afrodo looked up into a tree to find a bird singing away without a care in the world. "I'll give you a care," he said as he picked up a stone from the ground. He chucked it at the bird and missed. "Darn!" he cursed. Soon they came upon a dilapidated stable and trudged inside. Dandruff walked down the aislt to the stall on the end. "This, " he said, "is Ben." He continued down the aisle. "This is Annie, Tonto, Marc, Blue, Indy, Floyd, Orli and Colette." "Qui est-ce?" sang Mary. "C'est Colette!" continued Poppins. "Bonjour Colette!" added Mary. "Ca va?" they ended together. "Maybe I shouldn't have gotten Colette if I knew all those two would do is sing their stinkin' French song," sighed Dandruff. "You mean 'Freedom Song,'" corrected Bore Me. Mary and Poppins paused and stared at Bore Me. "Vous detestez les francais?" they asked, appalled. "Um, what did they just say?" Bore Me asked Dandruff. "Just answer 'Vous etes super,'" he mumbled back. "Okay, 'vous etes supers!'" cried Bore Me. Mary and Poppins smiled. "Excuse me, Dandruff?" asked Eggymess. "Could we see the horses up close?" "Sure thing," he replied. "I'll go get Blue first." He walked away. "I hope the horses are good," added Eggymess. "How else will we defeat Nameless and the Forks?" "The Forks?" asked the hobbits. "The Forks," answered Eggymess, "are health-nuts who are very against fast food and will do anything to stop it. Nameless owns a sushi place, and sushi is good for you, so naturally they are on his side." "How did they get their name?" asked Spam. "They carry forks as weapons," responded Eggymess. Dandruff led out Blue. "Isn't she nice?" he asked. Blue was a nice horse, and wasn't so tall that the hobbits wouldn't be able to ride her. She was brown with a white stripe down her nose. "I don't like horses," squealed Poppins. "They smell bad and poo everywhere! Their poo stinks!" "Yeah!" agreed Mary. "Horse poo is worse than spinach, les epinards! If somebody asked me to do as much as touch horse poo, I'll refuse! I would NEVER do anything for horse poo!" "I guess this is what they call 'foreshadowing,'" stated Afrodo. They saw the rest of the horses and agreed that most of them were pretty nice. But when the got to Orli, there was a bit of a disagreement. "I'm not riding that horse!" cried Poppins. "His hair is too long!" It was true: Orli's blond mane was three feet long. Nobody else had much of a problem with it, though. There was also a disagreement at Floyd. At first glance, he looked like a scrawny pony with too-short legs. Mary walked up to him. "Eww, you're ugly, Floyd!" he sneered. Floyd lifted up his hind leg and planted his hoof squarely in Mary's behind. "Woah! This horse sure packs a punch!" Mary cried, massaging his butt. "This horse will really help us beat the Forks!" said Airhorn. "If Mary can feel the pain through all that fat on his butt, then those Forks will really be screaming!" "Yeah," said the unconvinced Mary, still rubbing the bruise. "These horses," cried Poppins, "are, like, so totally in, like, the house!" Everybody stopped and stared at him. "PLEASE don't talk like that," stated Dandruff. "It really gets on my nerves." "Um, all right," he replied. "Well, are we going to get going?" asked Dandruff. We've got to get going before Nameless gets us!" "Let's go!" cried Dimli. "Yeah!" everyone else agreed.
They gathered up their stuff and packed it on the horses. Afrodo, Spam and Mary were all pretty lucky and got to ride the shortest horses, but Dandruff put Poppins on the tallest horse to keep him out of trouble. Poppins looked down from atop Annie at Afrodo, who was riding Colette. "How's the weather down there?" he asked. "Well, it was dry. Now it's wet, no thanks to Annie. Don't these horses know what a toilet is?" he replied. "I wouldn't count on it," interrupted Spam, who was riding Blue. Mary came up riding Floyd. "I can't believe I'm stuck with this stinkin', no-good horse" he whined. Floyd gave a little jump, threatening to buck. "I bet that Floyd's saying 'I wish I weren't stuck with such a rotten rider,'" replied Afrodo. "I wouldn't blame him." "Lucky Dandruff gets to ride Ben," said Poppins. "I wish I could. He's shorter than Annie." "Yeah, well, too bad," saidSpam. "Annie's tall, but at least we know she won't collapse under your weight like some of these other horses would." "HEY!" Poppins shouted back. Airhorn came up riding Marc. The tall horse's muscles rippled in the sunlight. "How do you guys like your horses?" he asked. "They're fine," replied Afrodo. He sent silencing glances in Poppins's and Mary's directions. "I'm glad," replied Airhorn. "I love this horse. The only problem is that he poos a lot and it usually flies onto the horse behind him if the horse is short enough." "ATTENTION!" Dandruff interrupted. "I have the order in which we will be riding in. First will be myself and Ben, then Eggymess and Tonto, then Dimli and Indy, then Bore Me and Orli, followed by Airhorn and Marc, Mary and Floyd, Afrodo and Colette, Spam and Blue, and Poppins and Annie." "Hah!" laughed Spam. "It looks like Mary will be showered with horse poo on our ride! Too bad your horse is so short!" "Ah, shut up!" snapped Mary. "I'll live." But everybody noticed that he was particularly sulky for the rest of the day. "All right!" shouted Dandruff. If we're all ready, then let's go!"
Nobody quite knows what it is...
Chapter 3
Of Horses and Horse Poo
The next day, The Entourage of the Thing set out from Sloppy Joe's. Bobo waved good-bye, secretly cursing them under his breath for not letting him come. The birds were chirping, the flowers blooming and the bunnies frolicking in the grass as they were the day Spam was hired at Sloppy Joe's. Afrodo looked up into a tree to find a bird singing away without a care in the world. "I'll give you a care," he said as he picked up a stone from the ground. He chucked it at the bird and missed. "Darn!" he cursed. Soon they came upon a dilapidated stable and trudged inside. Dandruff walked down the aislt to the stall on the end. "This, " he said, "is Ben." He continued down the aisle. "This is Annie, Tonto, Marc, Blue, Indy, Floyd, Orli and Colette." "Qui est-ce?" sang Mary. "C'est Colette!" continued Poppins. "Bonjour Colette!" added Mary. "Ca va?" they ended together. "Maybe I shouldn't have gotten Colette if I knew all those two would do is sing their stinkin' French song," sighed Dandruff. "You mean 'Freedom Song,'" corrected Bore Me. Mary and Poppins paused and stared at Bore Me. "Vous detestez les francais?" they asked, appalled. "Um, what did they just say?" Bore Me asked Dandruff. "Just answer 'Vous etes super,'" he mumbled back. "Okay, 'vous etes supers!'" cried Bore Me. Mary and Poppins smiled. "Excuse me, Dandruff?" asked Eggymess. "Could we see the horses up close?" "Sure thing," he replied. "I'll go get Blue first." He walked away. "I hope the horses are good," added Eggymess. "How else will we defeat Nameless and the Forks?" "The Forks?" asked the hobbits. "The Forks," answered Eggymess, "are health-nuts who are very against fast food and will do anything to stop it. Nameless owns a sushi place, and sushi is good for you, so naturally they are on his side." "How did they get their name?" asked Spam. "They carry forks as weapons," responded Eggymess. Dandruff led out Blue. "Isn't she nice?" he asked. Blue was a nice horse, and wasn't so tall that the hobbits wouldn't be able to ride her. She was brown with a white stripe down her nose. "I don't like horses," squealed Poppins. "They smell bad and poo everywhere! Their poo stinks!" "Yeah!" agreed Mary. "Horse poo is worse than spinach, les epinards! If somebody asked me to do as much as touch horse poo, I'll refuse! I would NEVER do anything for horse poo!" "I guess this is what they call 'foreshadowing,'" stated Afrodo. They saw the rest of the horses and agreed that most of them were pretty nice. But when the got to Orli, there was a bit of a disagreement. "I'm not riding that horse!" cried Poppins. "His hair is too long!" It was true: Orli's blond mane was three feet long. Nobody else had much of a problem with it, though. There was also a disagreement at Floyd. At first glance, he looked like a scrawny pony with too-short legs. Mary walked up to him. "Eww, you're ugly, Floyd!" he sneered. Floyd lifted up his hind leg and planted his hoof squarely in Mary's behind. "Woah! This horse sure packs a punch!" Mary cried, massaging his butt. "This horse will really help us beat the Forks!" said Airhorn. "If Mary can feel the pain through all that fat on his butt, then those Forks will really be screaming!" "Yeah," said the unconvinced Mary, still rubbing the bruise. "These horses," cried Poppins, "are, like, so totally in, like, the house!" Everybody stopped and stared at him. "PLEASE don't talk like that," stated Dandruff. "It really gets on my nerves." "Um, all right," he replied. "Well, are we going to get going?" asked Dandruff. We've got to get going before Nameless gets us!" "Let's go!" cried Dimli. "Yeah!" everyone else agreed.
They gathered up their stuff and packed it on the horses. Afrodo, Spam and Mary were all pretty lucky and got to ride the shortest horses, but Dandruff put Poppins on the tallest horse to keep him out of trouble. Poppins looked down from atop Annie at Afrodo, who was riding Colette. "How's the weather down there?" he asked. "Well, it was dry. Now it's wet, no thanks to Annie. Don't these horses know what a toilet is?" he replied. "I wouldn't count on it," interrupted Spam, who was riding Blue. Mary came up riding Floyd. "I can't believe I'm stuck with this stinkin', no-good horse" he whined. Floyd gave a little jump, threatening to buck. "I bet that Floyd's saying 'I wish I weren't stuck with such a rotten rider,'" replied Afrodo. "I wouldn't blame him." "Lucky Dandruff gets to ride Ben," said Poppins. "I wish I could. He's shorter than Annie." "Yeah, well, too bad," saidSpam. "Annie's tall, but at least we know she won't collapse under your weight like some of these other horses would." "HEY!" Poppins shouted back. Airhorn came up riding Marc. The tall horse's muscles rippled in the sunlight. "How do you guys like your horses?" he asked. "They're fine," replied Afrodo. He sent silencing glances in Poppins's and Mary's directions. "I'm glad," replied Airhorn. "I love this horse. The only problem is that he poos a lot and it usually flies onto the horse behind him if the horse is short enough." "ATTENTION!" Dandruff interrupted. "I have the order in which we will be riding in. First will be myself and Ben, then Eggymess and Tonto, then Dimli and Indy, then Bore Me and Orli, followed by Airhorn and Marc, Mary and Floyd, Afrodo and Colette, Spam and Blue, and Poppins and Annie." "Hah!" laughed Spam. "It looks like Mary will be showered with horse poo on our ride! Too bad your horse is so short!" "Ah, shut up!" snapped Mary. "I'll live." But everybody noticed that he was particularly sulky for the rest of the day. "All right!" shouted Dandruff. If we're all ready, then let's go!"
