Lord of the Thing
Nobody quite knows what it is...

Chapter 13

A Hot Guy and a Hairy Rope

The Entourage carried on. Bore Me, riding Orli, was about to pull his hair out thanks to the "wonderful" singing of Mary. Eggymess, stupidly not holding onto the reins or onto Strider's lead rope, was looking at his magazine. The horses slowly plodded along.
Eventually, they came to a nice clearing and decided to stop for the night. Everybody struggled off of their horses (except Zoe, who lightly swung herself out of the saddle and landed perfectly on the ground) and began to unload their stuff. Airhorn, Bore Me, Eggymess and Dimli began to set up tents. The hobbits and Zoe tied the horses up and made sure they were well fed. Dandruff sat lazily on a log, puffing away at his pipe.
Finally the camp was set up. Everybody was all set to eat dinner and go to bed, but there was one problem - it was only two o'clock. So they decided to practice their riding and fighting skills.
"Uh, how does this thing work again?" asked Poppins as he held up a bow and arrow.
"It's easy," said Eggymess as he walked over and helped him.
Spam and Afrodo were practicing sword fighting. Since they were so annoyed with each other, it was easy to do this with all of their might. Also, since they were REALLY fighting, they were extra careful to block the other's sword. Who knows if they would actually kill each other? It was awfully possible...
"Take this!" shouted Afrodo as he thrust his sword at Spam. Spam blocked it with his own sword.
"Ha!" Spam replied. "Didn't get me that time!"
The two hobbits stopped for a second to rest. "I don't get it," said Afrodo. "Why can't we use something at least a bit more high-tech?"
"Duh," replied Spam. "The Forks will be using forks as weapons. We won't need anymore more than a sword."
"Good point," answered Afrodo.
Suddenly, they were interrupted. Zoe galloped up to them on Huck and came to a sliding stop. "Get on your horses!" she cried. "The Forks are coming! The Forks are coming!"
Reminded of a history lesson, Afrodo rushed over to Colette. Thankfully, the gods were with him and he was able to get up into the saddle without any problem. Spam got up next to him on Blue.
"Ready?" Afrodo asked Spam, brandishing his sword.
"Ready," replied Spam. "Let's go!"
The two cantered over to the rest of the Entourage, who were already on their horses. "Get ready!" urged Zoe. "Look!" she cried, pointing. "Here they are!"
Sure enough, the Entourage was able to see a crowd of people coming over the top of a near-by hill. As they were all health-nuts, they were all very thin. Several of them had large muscles. Most of them happened to be women. Every one held a fork in one hand. The metal glistened in the sun.
"Charge!" shouted Zoe. The battle broke out. The Forks ran around, attempting to stab the horses or their riders with their tined eating utensils. They usually missed. The Entourage struggled to attack the Forks with their swords and bow and arrows. Unfortunately, they usually missed too. The battle was not going well. Nearly everybody had lost hope, but thankfully nobody had lost any limbs.
Suddenly, Zoe's face lit up. "I have an idea!" she shouted. "Eggymess! Come here!" He complied. Zoe whispered something in his ear. His face lit up too.
"That's a great idea!" Eggymess said. Then he kicked Tonto into a gallop. The normally slow, plodding horse thundered across the clearing in front of the battle line with the grace of an eagle, his mane and tale flying. "Yoo, hoo! Girls!" Eggymess called and beamed a huge smile in their direction. Most of the Forks turned their heads, some in mid-stab.
"Eeeeee!" they squealed in delight and chased after him. Eggymess galloped on. They chased and tried to catch up. But no matter how many Slim-Fast energy shakes they consumed and how many hours they spent working out at the gym, they couldn't catch up to Tonto. So they kept chasing.
Eggymess galloped on until he approached a river. It was only about seven feet wide, but almost six feet deep. The quick current swept leaves down it faster than anybody cared to know. If Tonto didn't make it over, there was no hope.
With the Forks hot on his heels, Eggymess was fifty feet away from the river...forty feet...thirty feet...twenty...ten...five... Suddenly, Tonto brought his legs under him and leaped. He cleared the river with room to spare. The Forks did not. Eggymess pulled on the reins and signaled Tonto to slow down. He turned back and found himself looking at a bunch of Forks struggling in the river. Apparently, they couldn't swim as well as one would think. Of course, this was all part of Zoe's plan. Eggymess looked over the struggling Forks. Blondes, brunettes, red heads...but what was that? It wasn't a Fork ...it was Afrodo! "Afrodo!" called Eggymess as he galloped Tonto to the edge of the river. He was clasped onto a rock in the middle of the river, holding on for dear life. The current threatened to pull him away any second. He coughed and sputtered as small waves washed into his mouth. Colette was grazing peacefully by the edge of the river. Eggymess leaped off of Tonto and tied him to a tree. "Everybody!" he called over the river. "Come! Help!" He looked back at Afrodo. The hobbit looked up at him and sputtered "Help!" "I'm trying!" he answered. Then he called back over the river "Come on! Help! Afrodo's in trouble!" Suddenly Zoe, the hobbits, and the rest of the Entourage appeared out of the thicket. They took one look at Afrodo and panicked. They ran around screaming "Oh no! Afrodo!" and banging their heads against trees. Eggymess looked back at them from the other side of the river. "Just do something already!" he called. The Entourage snapped back into action. "I have an idea!" cried Poppins. He knelt down and began to untangle the hair on his feet. "Help me braid!" he shouted to Mary and Spam. The three worked away at the hair. Zoe and the others stood near the river, making sure that Afrodo didn't let go of the rock. Airhorn started some cheers: "Come on, Afrodo! You can do it! Put a little power to it!" and "Give me an 'A'! Give me an 'F'!..." Finally, the hobbits were done braiding the foot hair into a fine rope. They tied it into a lasso. Bore Me tossed it out to Afrodo. Thankfully, he caught it and tied it around his waist. Forks that hadn't drowned yet struggled over to the rope and tried to cling onto it. Eggymess took out his bow and arrow and shot them. The Entourage all grabbed a bit of rope and pulled. After a bit (or more than a bit) of tugging, Afrodo was safely on shore, panting as if he had just run a thousand miles. Zoe ran up to him and gave him a hug. "Are you okay?" she asked. Afrodo nodded yes. It turned out that Colette had stampeded as well. At the river, she became afraid and tossed Afrodo off into the water. But all's well that ends well.