Chapter 8

And so things happen

Ok, this is gonna be really confusing but this is what i did: I reuploaded all the chapters, doubling them up so i wont have to deal with the short chapters thing. So now they all have th wrong names and there's about 6 chapters that have already been read. Soooo what will i do? I can't delete the chapters yet because I'm greedy and want to keep the reviews, so I'm working on that and will soon be good. All right.

Another thing i noticed while reading my past chapters and reviews is that you peepul have very little tolerance for something that might not be possible to happen but has already happened in Colfer's own writing. Mulch drove, in book three, in every book there is a reference to how some fairies do live above ground, and so on. The LEP website was referred to more than once in Eternity Code, and as that's what got Mulch out of prison so I'm pretty sure it exists. I'm not about to do crazy impossible things that would never be able to happen. Ok? So please note that everything has either been done before or is possible. I doubt that anyone had problems with it when they read the actual books. A little mercy, please.

Po-Chan: Oh, yeah, I know I know but as tempting as it is to pair things up a little, it's a little late in the story to do so, and I have already sworn to keep relationships as they were in the book. Sorry. I had another fic that would have had serious H/T, but I pulled it. Anyway. Thanks for the review!

And to all my reviewers: I lurve you all but cannot very well answer everything because I am too lazy and so on. I just got that one today. Moving on, then!

Ok then, back to the story!

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Holly heard the door open slowly. She had to hide; she didn't know if this was the friendly family or not. Looking around, she hid in the nearest location to her: a gaping hole in the floor. She lowered herslf into it, feet first, facing the opposite wall. Then she tried to get a good look at the figures coming in through the door and down the stairs. Not easy from her somewhat comprimised position, but she made out a tall man, possibly the father, two older children, a fat kid and a toddler. She hoped they would just get whatever foodstuffs they had come down to get and leave.

Holly in her right mind is very different from Holly in her still recovering mind. Holly in her right mind would probably have thought again about the likelihood of an entire family coming down to retrieve something that would be found in a room devoted to liquers. Please.

The fat kid spoke, in a surprisingly deep voice. "Captain Holly Short. We've been expecting you."

Melodramatic, perhaps, but the moment was utterly ruined by the kid's giggles and the shoving noises and the girl's voice whispering, "Mulch! Put a lid on it! You're not supposed to!" And then there was the buzz of a deeper voice, which though she couldn't make out the words, she recognised as Trouble Kelp's. Mulch- she knew him. The others must be the family alerted to her presence. She raised herself out of the chilled pit and stood in front of them, frowning.

"Mulch Diggums? Hmm. Immature to the end.What stroke of luck got you out of prison this time?"

Mulch put on a pained expression. "Not luck, m'dear, innocence."

Holly snorted. "Of course. And Trouble? Why might you be here?"

"Commander Root thought the family might need an escort. So here I am. Mulch came along for the ride."

Holly looked around at the others. "Well, then, I think introductions would be in order."

Several hours later, sitting aroung the hole in the floor, the group was nothing of not well acquainted. They had played every game they could imagine for remembering names, and after the fourth round of name volleyball, Artemis sat down in denial.

"How about we stop playing."

Mulch plopped down next to him. "Why? Tired of getting your butt whupped?"

Artemis scowled at him. But before he could get in a snide and terribly chilling comment, they were disrupted by a loud sound, acompanied by an incredibly offensive odor.

Mulch was first to speak, being more used to dwarf gas. "Well, it would seem R'hal isn't holding back any."

Holly would have been thinking up several responses to this, but was too distracted by the sudden apearence of the top of a head slowly becoming visable. She broke and ran for a hiding spot, as everyone else was quick to do.

Unfortunately, not Artemis. He was in a bit too slow. Mulch had stolen his ideal cover, and so he was milling around the room looking for another spot when Opal made a full appearance.

It is well known that in cases of hatching ducklings, the first thing they see, they bond with. Apparently it is the same with cuckoos, because Opal got very excited when she saw Artemis. She went over to him quietly, then tugged on his hand.

Artemis was very surprised to see her there, and did not know any real responses to her being so friendly. The last time he had dealt with her, she had been hostile; a criminal mastermind in her prime. He figured she had to be mentally insecure at the present, but still was stuck for ideas when she pulled on his hand again, and motioned for him to lean down. With several looks cast about him, he reluctantly did so.

Opal raised her face and hands to his ear, like a child going to tell a secret. But she didn't bother whispering; her mind couldn't grasp the concept. She let out a squall that was enough to deafen a deaf man, and it certainly wa enough to stun Artemis. He fell to the floor, writhing, clutching his head and whimpering. Butler made a movement as if to go to him, but Trouble stopped him. They didn't want Opal to feel threatened.

Opal swooped down to Artemis, actress to the end. She was playing the part of a concerned mother, who's son was dying. She was at his side immediately, patting his hand, laying a cool hand on his forehead, in mourning for him.

The only real problem with the scene was that, her mind being in the shape it was, she couldn't quite tell the difference from real life to acting. She gradually convinced herself that she really was the poor boy's mother, and he really was dying. She sobbed. She wailed. In acts of violent passion she threw herself around the room, bruising herself on various arcitectural details and soon slamming her head on a column, slumping to the floor.

Butler would have then gone to help Artemis, who was still in shock on the floor, but a second head joined the group. A much less motherly head, to be sure, and though he was about as bright as an intelligent goblin, this one was evil and very potentially dangerous.

R'hal raised himself out of the hole, looking around. His eyes fell on poor Artemis, and grinned. He was hungry. A warmup act, before the pixie, how sweet. He began making his way toward the Mud Boy on the floor.

Opal lay, still stunned, on the floor. That was a very menacing and dangerous looking individual. Better stay away. She looked around. Where was Baby?

There! Right under- oh no! That very menacing and dangerous looking individual was hovering over Baby, looking hungry! That is a bad thing!

She poked her head up farther. Oh no! There were even more scary things going toward baby! Two mud men! How could this happen?

She scrabled upright, pulling herself up onto shaky legs and clutching the column for support. She had to stop them. "Stop!" She yelled.

That worked. A little too well, though, she decided, as the shorter menacing creature turned and headed straight for her.She screamed. R'hal screamed. Artemis regained hearing, much to his dismay, and started screaming as well.

Mulch looked around for about a second, then joined in too. But his was more functional than the frightened, menacing, and random yells of the above. His purpose was to try and delay R'hal from eating the pixie.

R'hal heard Mulch's squealing and stopped. He turned slowly on his heel.He lowered his head and grinned, making sure to bare all his teeth in the most menacing and dangerous looking way possible.He started walking sedately towards him.

"Mulch." He breathed. "Mulch Diggums. My wimpy little cousin."

Mulch grinned widely, even wider than his rising opponent, but in a jovial and extremly annoying manner. "R'hal. R'hal E. Pathetic. My rather- erm- pitiful cousin."

"That wasn't my choice of a name and you know it."

"But you're stuck with it. And we allknow it suits."

Butler looked from Mulch to R'hal and back again.They did look similar, but not significantly so. He wondered how such a dwarf got a name that could be called - erm- really pathetic.

R'hal growled low in his throat. "I didn't get you in the mines, but I will get you now."

Mulch's grin widened. "But you have no faulty equiptment. And we all know wine bottles won't do the trick; you had the pleasure of discovering that blunt objects don't work on decapitation. Took you a while, but you learned."

Butler twitched. This could be bad. If this was the dwarf war talk he suspected it to be, it would be really bad.

R'hal shifted away from the casks he had just been drifting over to. "You're slower."

"Really now."

"Um. Yes. You are."

It was beginning to dawn on Butler that Mulch was baiting his cousin, and once that dwarf exploded, Mulch could win the resulting fight with strategy. He saw where this was going.

"Are you sure?"

R'hal brightened up for a moment, and smiled wickedly. "At least I know how to get a girl."

Mulch's eyes narrowed.

"Tell me, how are things going with you and Tanya?"

"Not at all and you know it."

Butler stiffened. He smelled trouble.

"Terry?"

"Hah."

"Yanny?"

"Psh."

"Birch?"

Something had struck a chord with Mulch. He groaned softly, raising his fists. "Oh, you better stop right now."

R'hal was utterly delighted. All evil plots had deserted him now. He was having fun."But its an interesting topic. Let's share it with all these fine people."

Mulch was sinking into the boxers pose, with teeth jutting out slightly.

"See, folks, it all started with-" R'hal didn't exactly get to finish his sentence because a small object was flung at his head. Mulch had gotten so worked up he had pitched the nearest thing to hand at him, and that thing happened to be Opal. She was thrown bodily at the thing that had so nearly attacked Baby. She had been crawling toward Monster when Mulch picked her up and shortened the trip.

The moment she hit R'hal's head, she exploded. Tearing, shrieking, wailing, scratching, maiming, beating and causing general discomfort to this threat to her Baby was all that mattered to her. And she certainly tried her hardest.

R'hal had no idea what was going on and against his better judgement tried to find out. He pulled the wriggling creaturee off him and tried to hold it at arm's length to look at better. Big mistake. Even if the lighting had been better, he wouldn't have recognized the former prisoner. The minute Opal was off his head, she yowled and bared her teeth, looking so much like a madman R'hal shrieked and dropped her.

You can hardly blame the man. Her eyes were bloodshot and nearly glowing red, her hair was disturbingly pinkish and sticking out at odd angles, her whole face looked like it was about to explode and her neck muscles were bulging. For such a tiny thing she looked as big and dangerous as an atomic bomb.

As soon as she hit the floor, that bomb detonated. It was very scary and more than a little unfortunate for R'hal. You could practically see the sparks fly as she lit into the now severely confused and hurting dwarf's legs.

R'hal toppled. This was not the menacing and dangerous look he had been shooting for, but did that matter right now? Naw. Survival by far outranked maintaining an image. He rolled on his belly, trying to squash the pixie under him. Didn't work, though; Opal clambered onto his back like a monkey, and straddled his back, then pushed his ribs hard with her knees. She yelled words like "Giddup!" and tried whipping him, but R'hal wasn't going anywhere. He flopped, trying to catch his breath. Opal hopped off and delivered a swift kick to his head, effectively knocking him out.

Opal climbed over the limp body of the dwarf, and headed toward her Baby. He wasn't going to die now; she had defeated his death. She went over to him and gave him a big hug.

Artemis looked down at the tiny pixie who was hugging him very tightly. So much like a mother, he thought, before passing out from all the stress he had been under.

Butler and Trouble came out from behind the columns they had been hiding behind and walked over to R'hal's prone form.

"I'd say we overestimated him," Butler said, picking up a limp arm and watching it fall.

"I'd say we underestimated her," Trouble motioned towards Opal, who was sending blue sparks up and down Artemis' unconscious self.

Mulch came over to join them, kicked his cousin in the gut and said, "I'd say both. R'hal is much more dangerous one on one, with things like diamond cutters at his disposal."

Holly and Juliet were assisting Opal in the caretaking of Artemis.They both couldn't help but notice the compassion in the way Opal treated him, and were exchanging looks back and forth to each other. When Opal decided she was done, and went to sleep in a corner, they began a quiet conference over Artemis' still unconscious body.

"What do you make of it?" Holly asked, looking over at the pixie.

"I think it's hilarious, if slightly disturbing. She seems convinced he's her own child."

"Why?"

"Why else would she act like that? I couldn't help but notice that she was always working in defense of him, and there's nothing else for it. She must have bonded with him because he was the first thing she saw after being alone that long."

"Like a duck. I've heard of that."

"I'm sure. It's well known."

"Hmm. Well, I suppose we had best get Artemis to his room."

About a half hour later, the two females came back downstairs after depositing Artemis in his room. They were chatting like od friends. They were, of course, but Holly didn't know that and Juliet couldn't tell her.

"So you're involved in wrestling, then?"

"Yes I am. I just auditioned the other day, in fact, for the Ireland Wrestling Squad. I'm expecting the letter any day now."

"You ought to see our wrestling. Two gnomes going at it in an ampitheatre. I'll send you a vid sometime."

[A/N: Sorry, I couldn't remember the exact quote from the book and I couln't find the book itself.]

Juliet turned away for a second, then came back with, "Yes, I'd like that. Do you think you could drop a line to Foaly? He might even send it now."

Holly grinned and nodded. "You know, I like the way you think. I'll do that now."

Trouble, Butler and Mulch had just called Root, after much hemming and hawwing over if they really wanted to. They decided on hiding Convict and keeping the Mud Man out of the way for a bit, so the conversation could go on peacefully. Butler and Mulch started setting up cue cards, so Trouble could say things for them if they needed to say something. The phone rang twice, then the commander's voice was heard loud and clear over the speakerphone.

"Problem?"

Mulch and Butler nodded violently, and Trouble said, "Yes, sir. We successfully rendered the threat unconscios, and were wondering what to do with him."

"Meaning?"

Trouble sighed. "We await your orders, Commander."

"Well. I say ship him down to the Haven, LEP headquarters for questioning and a Retimagation."

"Very well sir."

"With all due speed, please, Captain. He belongs in prison. And I don't think Howler's is good enough for him."

"Yessir."

"See if you can hook up a Mud Prison for him. We ought to relocate him."

"Well sir, that seems rather drastic."

"Yeah, but he's related to Diggums." Root laughed. R'hal would be getting the treatment Opal should have gotten. And would, once he got to it.

Trouble cleared his throat. "And with the pixie, sir?"

"Keep her under sedation; we'll treat her like the dwarf. She unconscious?"

"Very much so."

"Good. Sedate and keep still, that's as much as you can do."

"Ok then."

Trouble broke connection, looking at the two in front of him. "Well, there we have it."

They tied R'hal up, very tightly. Then, true to orders, they shipped him the the Haven. In a (of all things) pine box filled with styrophoam packers. Trouble addressed the box, straightened up, and let Mulch and Butler heave it with very little ceremony and even less caution into the rear of the Bentley. Then they trouped inside to get something to eat and find the rest of the merry crew, to head down to the Haven.

They found the female end of the merry crew in the rec room, laughing hysterically over Holly's helmet, where Foaly had sent a clip of fairy wrestling for their veiwing pleasure. He even stayed on the visor and commentated the match, busting them up even more.

After the winner was proclaimed, they followed Trouble upstairs, to collect Artemis, and then to the cellar, to collect Opal. Or that was the plan.

Artemis was very difficult to get out of bed, and refused until they finally left. Then he got up and got changed. He wanted to be clean again; he was so grimy from his adventures. Those hospital beds really needed improvement. But by the time he was presentable, he was tired enough to go to sleep again, so back he went.

By that though, they had gotten Opal, and she was taking to the maternal role of alarm clock very well.

They were out in the Bentley about four and two third minutes later, and this time Butler was driving. They did not have to catch a plane to Disneyland Pris this time; reather, Trouble and Holly directed them to a lovely little shuttle port about four miles from Fowl Manor.

And Butler was angry at Mulch, who sat in the back, as far from Butler and the pinebox as he could without hurting himself, which was not far.

And off they went, to the next big adventure that awaited them at the end of the port. And who was there to greet them but Commandant Terryl. What a joy.

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You like? Another 7 pages for you! I feel like it should be longer but I'm not too happy with the whole thing so I'll stop before I hurt myself. Review like madness, please!