~~~~~*Dedicated To Jackie (Po) Nguyen*~~~~~
A/N - "~these are Sirius' thoughts. ~"
~~~*~~~
Black struggled to recall a spell that would help Remus. But he could think of none.
~~~*~~~
Adrenaline tore through Sirius' veins as he racked his mind for a spell. Meanwhile Remus had stopped shivering although there was a blue tint surrounding his lips. His pale and bloodied chest was rising and falling at a painful speed. With every inhalation there was less and less power behind it. Moony was a slowly dying flame. And Sirius was trying his best find a lighter.
"~What I need is a spell. Where do you find a spell? In a.. in a spell BOOK! ~"
A great echoing shout burst from Black like a battle cry.
"Accio Spell book!"
Sirius didn't know how far away Rem's house was, how long the book would take to reach him, or even if the spell worked correctly. All he knew was he's done all he could and now all that was left was the wait.
He clutched his friend's arm as another round of coughs shook his body. Even the coughs were weaker. Slowly but steadily Lupin was breaking down. It seemed that only sheer resolve was keeping his lungs grudgingly pumping.
"Just a little longer, Remus. Hold on for just a second." He said, placing his hand over his old friend's heart. The beats were off time and quick, like a stumbling sprinter. Sirius tightened his grip on Moony's limp body as his heart began to slow down to a dangerous level.
It was then that a soft rustling sound reached his ears.
"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon." Padfoot whispered harshly, staring hard at Rem's chest, willing it to keep moving. Up, down, up, down .
At last the book reached Black's waiting hand. As luck would have it, there was already a bookmark near the middle of the heavy tome. Pages were torn at random as Sirius frantically opened to the marked page. His animal instincts told him that this is where he'd find Rem's salvation.
He scanned the page speedily, not really soaking up any information. Just as he caught sight of the warning at the end of the short passage the slight back ground noise of Lupin's breaths faltered. Up, down, up, then slowly down again. This time no up followed.
***The Deburdenium Spell***
An ancient and rarely used incantation, Deburdenium is used to temporarily free a tortured mind from stress and worry.
There are no spells of this nature as effective as Deburdenium simply because it is one of a kind. Spells like Deburdenium were banned soon after initial testing in 1811 because it was said by some to do more harm than good.
This is because the spell-castor who performs Deburdenium takes all of the recipients' fears and issues unto themselves as a kind of physical malady. Records tell us that those tested showed the following symptoms (with varying degrees of severity) -
Fever
Sore muscles
Chest pain
Trouble sleeping
Shortness of breath
Overall physical weakness
WARNING - practice extreme caution when using this spell. Avoid use for extended periods of time. Physical activity is to be kept to a minimum. Researchers estimate that if a body under 'the burden' is overworked, respiratory and cardiac complications may arise. There is even a risk of comma or death. If such complications do occur, remove spell immediately with "Reburdenium".
~~~~~*~~~~~
Sincere as a prayer, desperate as a plea, Sirius removed the burden, put it back on himself, and gave Remus the breath of life. all with one word.
"Reburdenium!"
~~~*~~~
An hour later Lupin was back in his own bed, breathing smoothly and silently. Black had cleaned up the wounds as best as he could and dressed him in loose-fitting sleeping robes. Now he sat in an armchair beside the bed reading over the Deburdenium page for what seemed to be the 50th time. The lights were not on but the morning sun through the window provided adequate light.
Sirius now realized that the very book in his lap was the one Remus rushed off to get days ago when neither one of them could sleep. He knew now that the spell - Deburdenium - it was the reason for his friend's episode in the workout room. It was meant to help him, and it did. but at what price? Lupin had always been too selfless for his own good, but even this was a little much. He nearly died because of the burden. He nearly died just because he wanted his friend to get some rest.
"~He nearly died because of me. ~" Sirius concluded sullenly.
It was unclear whether Moony was in a deep sleep or a comma. Of course Sirius hoped he was merely asleep, but he couldn't help fearing the worst. He had the feeling that if he tried to shake Remus awake he would not respond. Padfoot couldn't bring himself to try it, though. Pity and an odd anger filled him when he looked upon the skeletal form of his best friend.
"~How could he be so stupid? He had to have read the warning.he's not careless. I know he was trying to help but he shouldn't have kept such vital information from me." He thought bitterly. "How could he do this to himself? ~"
Black put the book away quietly and sat watching his friend for about an hour or so. Rem didn't move an inch the entire time. This proved to cement the idea of a comma into Sirius' mind. When he felt Lupin's condition was stable enough, he went to shower and eat. Upon getting dressed, though, Padfoot realized just how exhausted he was and no longer felt like eating. He was asleep on the couch in a matter of minutes.
Sirius awoke at around 1 pm. After slowly stretching his stiff muscles he went over to open the window and let in some fresh air. The sun was much brighter than before but there were some pretty dark clouds off in the distance. It was nothing to worry about, though. After doing his best to fix his disheveled hair, Black made himself a large ham and cheese sand- which and made his way to Lupin's bedroom. Remus was still not moving. His eyes were still closed and his breathing still as soft as ever. Nothing seemed to change at all. On one hand it's good that he isn't any worse. On the other it's disappointing that he is no better off. Sighing sleepily, Padfoot settled himself once more into the chair by the bed and stared out of the window. Nothing much outwardly showed the guilt or remorse he was feeling.
But he did allow himself some slack as he reached for the glass of water on Rem's bedside table. He glanced at the still body of his friend and spoke as if he could hear.
"I hope you do come back soon, Moony. I honestly have no idea what I'd do with myself if I was alone again."
It was back, that dull ache of hopelessness, the anger long suppressed. Anger at the Ministry, at Peter, and at himself for being stupid enough to ever trust the rat. The guilt was back too, multiplied 3-fold by what he did to Remus. As one man in the room was gaining back his physical health, the other man, the one not in bed, was mentally and emotionally weakening.
"~First I kill my best friend and his wife and ruin Harry's upbringing, now I nearly kill my only real friend in the world. After I label him a traitor and a liar he spares me pain and nearly dies in the process. ~"
"~I am the truly cursed one between us. All I touch is turned to dust. Rem brings everyone comfort and makes them feel safe. No wonder the kids at Hogwarts loved him so much. If a kid saw me they'd run away in terror. The only one who wasn't scared of me was Harry. ~"
"~He's my godson, and he's lonely. He's suffering because of me and I can't see him because of those idiot cowards that run the show. I need to see him. I miss him. But no, I can't risk being seen. Shit, I hate this. All I've done lately is sit around watching the world around me fall apart. I'm sick of this crap. I'd leave right now if it weren't for Remus. ~"
Sirius set his elbows on the edge of Lupin's bed and held his head in his hands. Black looked up when he felt Remus shifting around on the bed. Sure enough, Moony was conscience. Softly glowing eyes gazed at him from behind long tawny and uneven bangs. It was a strangely tense and awkward moment. Sirius found himself flashing back to when he first entered the clearing and faced the wolf..
Rem broke from the stare first and peered at his surroundings carefully, taking in his bandages, the afternoon sun, and the fact that he was in his bed. After a moment he turned to Sirius and tapped his left wrist three times.
"It's almost 1:20. You haven't been out over a day, full moon just last night. Why aren't you talking?"
Moony pointed to his throat. Padfoot handed him the glass of water. After a couple of tries he managed to get his voice to sound halfway normal.
"You removed it?" his voice is quiet and careful.
"Yeah." His is cold, almost taunting - as if to ask "So what?"
"But . why?"
"You don't remember?"
Remus shakes his head in answer. "All I remember is being cold and."
"And.?"
"I couldn't breathe. It was so heavy. Something inside me - 'the burden' was so heavy. It was crushing me slowly." Rem closed his eyes then and sank deeper into the pillow. He crossed his arms and looked out the window to the sunny world outside.
"I must've blacked out. What exactly happened out there?"
So Sirius told him everything that had happened up to that point. Remus listened with rapt attention. He was shaking his head by the time Black was done.
"Why didn't you tell me about the side effects?" asked Sirius.
"Would you have let me do it?"
"Hell no!"
"Exactly. I had to do it, Sirius. I couldn't just stand by and watch you wander aimlessly around trapped in your own memories and regrets. I had to help, and at the time it was the only way I could. If we'd switched places I know for a fact you'd have done the exact same thing for me."
"Well you got me there, I guess."
" I didn't see this coming at all. I thought I could handle it, ok? I didn't want you to worry and fuss over my health. I'm so sorry, Padfoot. I never counted on the effects being so severe. I didn't want you to find out like that."
"Don't worry about it, Moony. It's all right. I'm just glad you're okay. No big deal." He said casually, trying to conceal his true feelings.
"Whatever you say." Lupin said suspiciously. Luckily, though, he didn't pursue the subject any further.
"Well, I guess I'll be leaving you alone since you seem in good enough health to me. Tell me if you need anything, ok?"
"Yeah, sure. Thanks for everything, Sirius. Sorry again about all this."
"It's all right, man, stop beating yourself up. The wolf took care of that for you."
The two friends laughed to themselves, momentarily forgetting their physical and emotional pain. Remus gasped in pain and surprise, clutching at his side.
"Oh, shit. Sorry." Said Black.
"No, it's nothing. Just. remind me to talk to you in a couple hours, alright?"
"Ok, sure." And with that Sirius was gone.
~~~*~~~
Rem was tense and in pain. He winced as he took a look at his injuries.
"I know I have to tell him today. But I didn't count on the burden being on him already. Now I'm sure he won't react well. Damn he's going to be pissed. After my little show of weakness last night he'll be even more ready to protect me and keep me safe at home. I need to make him see that it's his turn to be looked after. Its my turn to be strong." Lupin thought.
"Whether he likes it or not - I am going. I leave tomorrow."
~~~*~~~
A/N - my longest chapter EVER!!!! ^___^ Yay!
Please Review! I'm open to anything, as long as it isn't a senseless, pointless flame.
A/N - "~these are Sirius' thoughts. ~"
~~~*~~~
Black struggled to recall a spell that would help Remus. But he could think of none.
~~~*~~~
Adrenaline tore through Sirius' veins as he racked his mind for a spell. Meanwhile Remus had stopped shivering although there was a blue tint surrounding his lips. His pale and bloodied chest was rising and falling at a painful speed. With every inhalation there was less and less power behind it. Moony was a slowly dying flame. And Sirius was trying his best find a lighter.
"~What I need is a spell. Where do you find a spell? In a.. in a spell BOOK! ~"
A great echoing shout burst from Black like a battle cry.
"Accio Spell book!"
Sirius didn't know how far away Rem's house was, how long the book would take to reach him, or even if the spell worked correctly. All he knew was he's done all he could and now all that was left was the wait.
He clutched his friend's arm as another round of coughs shook his body. Even the coughs were weaker. Slowly but steadily Lupin was breaking down. It seemed that only sheer resolve was keeping his lungs grudgingly pumping.
"Just a little longer, Remus. Hold on for just a second." He said, placing his hand over his old friend's heart. The beats were off time and quick, like a stumbling sprinter. Sirius tightened his grip on Moony's limp body as his heart began to slow down to a dangerous level.
It was then that a soft rustling sound reached his ears.
"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon." Padfoot whispered harshly, staring hard at Rem's chest, willing it to keep moving. Up, down, up, down .
At last the book reached Black's waiting hand. As luck would have it, there was already a bookmark near the middle of the heavy tome. Pages were torn at random as Sirius frantically opened to the marked page. His animal instincts told him that this is where he'd find Rem's salvation.
He scanned the page speedily, not really soaking up any information. Just as he caught sight of the warning at the end of the short passage the slight back ground noise of Lupin's breaths faltered. Up, down, up, then slowly down again. This time no up followed.
***The Deburdenium Spell***
An ancient and rarely used incantation, Deburdenium is used to temporarily free a tortured mind from stress and worry.
There are no spells of this nature as effective as Deburdenium simply because it is one of a kind. Spells like Deburdenium were banned soon after initial testing in 1811 because it was said by some to do more harm than good.
This is because the spell-castor who performs Deburdenium takes all of the recipients' fears and issues unto themselves as a kind of physical malady. Records tell us that those tested showed the following symptoms (with varying degrees of severity) -
Fever
Sore muscles
Chest pain
Trouble sleeping
Shortness of breath
Overall physical weakness
WARNING - practice extreme caution when using this spell. Avoid use for extended periods of time. Physical activity is to be kept to a minimum. Researchers estimate that if a body under 'the burden' is overworked, respiratory and cardiac complications may arise. There is even a risk of comma or death. If such complications do occur, remove spell immediately with "Reburdenium".
~~~~~*~~~~~
Sincere as a prayer, desperate as a plea, Sirius removed the burden, put it back on himself, and gave Remus the breath of life. all with one word.
"Reburdenium!"
~~~*~~~
An hour later Lupin was back in his own bed, breathing smoothly and silently. Black had cleaned up the wounds as best as he could and dressed him in loose-fitting sleeping robes. Now he sat in an armchair beside the bed reading over the Deburdenium page for what seemed to be the 50th time. The lights were not on but the morning sun through the window provided adequate light.
Sirius now realized that the very book in his lap was the one Remus rushed off to get days ago when neither one of them could sleep. He knew now that the spell - Deburdenium - it was the reason for his friend's episode in the workout room. It was meant to help him, and it did. but at what price? Lupin had always been too selfless for his own good, but even this was a little much. He nearly died because of the burden. He nearly died just because he wanted his friend to get some rest.
"~He nearly died because of me. ~" Sirius concluded sullenly.
It was unclear whether Moony was in a deep sleep or a comma. Of course Sirius hoped he was merely asleep, but he couldn't help fearing the worst. He had the feeling that if he tried to shake Remus awake he would not respond. Padfoot couldn't bring himself to try it, though. Pity and an odd anger filled him when he looked upon the skeletal form of his best friend.
"~How could he be so stupid? He had to have read the warning.he's not careless. I know he was trying to help but he shouldn't have kept such vital information from me." He thought bitterly. "How could he do this to himself? ~"
Black put the book away quietly and sat watching his friend for about an hour or so. Rem didn't move an inch the entire time. This proved to cement the idea of a comma into Sirius' mind. When he felt Lupin's condition was stable enough, he went to shower and eat. Upon getting dressed, though, Padfoot realized just how exhausted he was and no longer felt like eating. He was asleep on the couch in a matter of minutes.
Sirius awoke at around 1 pm. After slowly stretching his stiff muscles he went over to open the window and let in some fresh air. The sun was much brighter than before but there were some pretty dark clouds off in the distance. It was nothing to worry about, though. After doing his best to fix his disheveled hair, Black made himself a large ham and cheese sand- which and made his way to Lupin's bedroom. Remus was still not moving. His eyes were still closed and his breathing still as soft as ever. Nothing seemed to change at all. On one hand it's good that he isn't any worse. On the other it's disappointing that he is no better off. Sighing sleepily, Padfoot settled himself once more into the chair by the bed and stared out of the window. Nothing much outwardly showed the guilt or remorse he was feeling.
But he did allow himself some slack as he reached for the glass of water on Rem's bedside table. He glanced at the still body of his friend and spoke as if he could hear.
"I hope you do come back soon, Moony. I honestly have no idea what I'd do with myself if I was alone again."
It was back, that dull ache of hopelessness, the anger long suppressed. Anger at the Ministry, at Peter, and at himself for being stupid enough to ever trust the rat. The guilt was back too, multiplied 3-fold by what he did to Remus. As one man in the room was gaining back his physical health, the other man, the one not in bed, was mentally and emotionally weakening.
"~First I kill my best friend and his wife and ruin Harry's upbringing, now I nearly kill my only real friend in the world. After I label him a traitor and a liar he spares me pain and nearly dies in the process. ~"
"~I am the truly cursed one between us. All I touch is turned to dust. Rem brings everyone comfort and makes them feel safe. No wonder the kids at Hogwarts loved him so much. If a kid saw me they'd run away in terror. The only one who wasn't scared of me was Harry. ~"
"~He's my godson, and he's lonely. He's suffering because of me and I can't see him because of those idiot cowards that run the show. I need to see him. I miss him. But no, I can't risk being seen. Shit, I hate this. All I've done lately is sit around watching the world around me fall apart. I'm sick of this crap. I'd leave right now if it weren't for Remus. ~"
Sirius set his elbows on the edge of Lupin's bed and held his head in his hands. Black looked up when he felt Remus shifting around on the bed. Sure enough, Moony was conscience. Softly glowing eyes gazed at him from behind long tawny and uneven bangs. It was a strangely tense and awkward moment. Sirius found himself flashing back to when he first entered the clearing and faced the wolf..
Rem broke from the stare first and peered at his surroundings carefully, taking in his bandages, the afternoon sun, and the fact that he was in his bed. After a moment he turned to Sirius and tapped his left wrist three times.
"It's almost 1:20. You haven't been out over a day, full moon just last night. Why aren't you talking?"
Moony pointed to his throat. Padfoot handed him the glass of water. After a couple of tries he managed to get his voice to sound halfway normal.
"You removed it?" his voice is quiet and careful.
"Yeah." His is cold, almost taunting - as if to ask "So what?"
"But . why?"
"You don't remember?"
Remus shakes his head in answer. "All I remember is being cold and."
"And.?"
"I couldn't breathe. It was so heavy. Something inside me - 'the burden' was so heavy. It was crushing me slowly." Rem closed his eyes then and sank deeper into the pillow. He crossed his arms and looked out the window to the sunny world outside.
"I must've blacked out. What exactly happened out there?"
So Sirius told him everything that had happened up to that point. Remus listened with rapt attention. He was shaking his head by the time Black was done.
"Why didn't you tell me about the side effects?" asked Sirius.
"Would you have let me do it?"
"Hell no!"
"Exactly. I had to do it, Sirius. I couldn't just stand by and watch you wander aimlessly around trapped in your own memories and regrets. I had to help, and at the time it was the only way I could. If we'd switched places I know for a fact you'd have done the exact same thing for me."
"Well you got me there, I guess."
" I didn't see this coming at all. I thought I could handle it, ok? I didn't want you to worry and fuss over my health. I'm so sorry, Padfoot. I never counted on the effects being so severe. I didn't want you to find out like that."
"Don't worry about it, Moony. It's all right. I'm just glad you're okay. No big deal." He said casually, trying to conceal his true feelings.
"Whatever you say." Lupin said suspiciously. Luckily, though, he didn't pursue the subject any further.
"Well, I guess I'll be leaving you alone since you seem in good enough health to me. Tell me if you need anything, ok?"
"Yeah, sure. Thanks for everything, Sirius. Sorry again about all this."
"It's all right, man, stop beating yourself up. The wolf took care of that for you."
The two friends laughed to themselves, momentarily forgetting their physical and emotional pain. Remus gasped in pain and surprise, clutching at his side.
"Oh, shit. Sorry." Said Black.
"No, it's nothing. Just. remind me to talk to you in a couple hours, alright?"
"Ok, sure." And with that Sirius was gone.
~~~*~~~
Rem was tense and in pain. He winced as he took a look at his injuries.
"I know I have to tell him today. But I didn't count on the burden being on him already. Now I'm sure he won't react well. Damn he's going to be pissed. After my little show of weakness last night he'll be even more ready to protect me and keep me safe at home. I need to make him see that it's his turn to be looked after. Its my turn to be strong." Lupin thought.
"Whether he likes it or not - I am going. I leave tomorrow."
~~~*~~~
A/N - my longest chapter EVER!!!! ^___^ Yay!
Please Review! I'm open to anything, as long as it isn't a senseless, pointless flame.
