Disclaimer: I don't own it, own it own it own it, I don't own it, own it own it own it…

GDBV: And today, as our dear authoress bravely defies her mother's commandment and sneaks online, we have Tokiya Mikagami, from Flame of Recca, as our next interviewee! YAAAY!!! *tries to play the clapping sequence but finds that it can't* Huh?

Tokiya: *sniffs* Junk equipment…

GDBV: I am NOT junk! I'm just…a waste of wires and plastic…but anyway, we're all really happy to see you, so YAY!

Tokiya:…And I just sit here?

GDBV: No…you answer questions that are supposed to be provided by the cast…which has…vanished…

Tokiya: Oh. *walks off*

GDBV:…I'm so gonna be fired T_T…

(Outside)

Sanzo: *smoking* Well done my friend.

Zeon: Whatever. Just remember your end of the deal.

Sanzo: *grins* Of course. *hands him a copy of Heavy Artillery for Beginners* They mail you a complementary submachine gun after the second chapter.

Zeon: Good. *pockets it*

~Shh...I'm not here…really, I'm not! I'm actually studying for my exams, which, strangely enough, are more than four months away. Weird? Yes…*dons a camouflage suit and hides the computer under an Invisibility Cloak*~

(It's a heavenly day in the realm of GM! Of course, that's probably because we're currently in Heaven…Note the disgruntled janitors, rabid unicorns and cross-dressing dragon gods that are frolicking around in this blissful place!)

Rojun: *is skulking behind flower pots, still in high heels and the (very pink) skirt* Bloody clothes…how the heck was I supposed to know Kanzeon sticks "Remove-me-not" spells on all of them?

Jiroshin: *is hiding behind a chopstick* It's all a matter of perception…they'll never see me…

(Obviously, everyone does see him, but due to the limited amount of cloth on his erm…figure?, they all pretend not to.)

Random Palace Guard: *eyes are close to popping out of his skull* Maybe it's not too late to join the Heavenly Ground Unit…

(Back on earth. In a desert. Somewhere…)

Gojyo: *has had the left side of his hair ripped off from pulling himself off the magnet* This is so unfair!!!! None of the others get embarrassed like this! It's like the whole world is out to get me…*bends over to tie his shoelaces and narrowly misses getting scalped by an arrow* For once, I'd like to see things go my way…

(There is a flurry of staples and live worms)

Gojyo:…Great…just…great…-_-

Ritouden: *hums a cheesy theme song* Dum dum dum dum dum!! It is I-Ritouden the Great! Ruler of Armies; Maker of Cheese; Future Conqueror of all of Tenkai; Hairdresser Extraordinaire-

Gojyo: All right all right; I get it already!! Sheesh…whadaya want anyway? *lights a cigarette*

Ritouden: *stares* Ah…I see you still remain as oblivious to health issues…as always…

Gojyo: And that's supposed to make sense to me?

Ritouden: No. It is not. For the mortal eye cannot hope to understand the qualities of divine beauty and splendor and grace of my words…

Gojyo:…That's really nice of you, but I'm already going out with Hakkai.

Ritouden:…That's…not what I meant…

Gojyo: Hmm? I'm sorry…I was distracted by that humongous boil on your face…*pokes it with a stick* Does it have its own zip code or something?

Ritouden: Gaah!! *swats the stick away* It was that stupid brat Nataku! He put poison ivy in my facial cream again…

Gojyo: Again? O_o

Ritouden: But at least it wasn't the shower gel or anything…I mean, the last time-but who gives a damn about how I look like anyway??! I'm here to grant you an immense favour!

Gojyo: This wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that Goku ate your candy house and you're currently seething with rage and intend to use an innocent young mind like mine and bend it unwittingly to your evil will so that I'll fit perfectly into a diabolical scheme, would it?

Ritouden:…Erm…no?

Gojyo: Good! Now the baka monk can't whack me. So, what were you saying about the favour?

Ritouden: Favour! Right! *pulls out a keyboard and chucks it towards Gojyo* This is the Almighty Keyboard of Doom. Whatever you type on it comes true.

Gojyo: Reeeaaaaally now? *eyes it wickedly*

Ritouden: And if you're even thinking about testing it on me…

Gojyo: Naw…wouldn't waste my time…*types* =And the sky suddenly turns red and rains down candy apples…=

(Crimson clouds fill the air. An assortment of sugary apples congregates like a flock of seagulls before falling straight down and squishing a passing pigeon)

Gojyo: O_O Woah…I'll take it! How much?

Ritouden: *is stuffing the unconscious bird into his pocket* How much? For you, it's free!

Gojyo: *eyes him* Free?

Ritouden: Yep. ^_^

Gojyo: All right!! *runs back to the rest of Sanzo & co, intent on getting some much-needed revenge*

Ritouden: Heh…that's right Kenren…have all the fun you can…while it lasts…*put on a very evil face that strangely resembles a choking stag beetle* BWAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHA! HAHA-*gag**splutter**cough*

(And now, we feature our under-mentioned Gyakumen!)

Gyakumen: *has her hair up in curlers* TV…good…*flips through channels*

(Oh dear…it seems as though the satellite signals have turned her already soft brains into mush…whatever shall we do?)

Lirin: *raises hand* I know what to do! *picks up a pink, smiley-faced phone* We need Nataku Man, Boy Demon and the Sword!

Nataku: *teleports in even before the numbers were dialed* Nataku Man's ready for action!

Kougaiji: *slouches in* Boy Wazzisnames's here…

Dokukakuji: Yeah. So is the Knife!

Kougaiji: Sword…

Dokukakuji: Scissors?

Kougaiji:…Never mind…

Lirin: *points to Gyakumen, who is drooling all over the couch* She's been taken hostage by the evil mind-controlling Box! You guys gotta save her!

Kougaiji: We do?

Lirin: Yes!!

Kougaiji:…Fine…Sword, go stick your sword in the Box so we can get back to our card game.

Dokukakuji: *is trying to dissect flying mosquitoes*

Kougaiji:…Well, I sure as heck ain't going to  save her…you go, Boy Brat.

Nataku: I'm Nataku Man!

Kougaiji: Whatever…

Nataku: *grabs his sword* By the powers of light and good and hope and truth and justice and righteousness and peace and calm and-

Kougaiji: *gritting his teeth* Will you just get on with it…please?

Nataku: I will now destroy the Box! *rams his sword through the TV's screen and it explodes in a shower of sparks*

Gyakumen: *clutches her face* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Lirin: *shakes head* Post traumatic stress…I see it all the time on TV…poor thing…we've lost her forever…

(Back with the conspiring, scheming Kappaman)

Gojyo: Heeeya Sanzo ol-buddy-ol-pal…just wondering if you still remember the little…incident with that magnet thing…

Sanzo: *snorts* Remember it? I made a special note in my diary, complete with pictures, video footage and snide comments at the sides.

Gojyo: -_-+ I see…well, I wonder how you'd react if I told you that say…I found a way to even the score?

Sanzo: I'd say that you scraped off more of your head than you'd like to mention…why?

Gojyo: Oh…no reason…*takes out the keyboard* *types* =Then Sanzo dances the can can in a dress with a cow…=

(A cow appears out of thin air, links arms with suddenly feminized Sanzo and starts dancing and mooing alternately)

Sanzo: What the bloody-

Gojyo: *waves the keyboard and smiles* I'd watch my mouth, if I were you.

Sanzo: Bakakappa… *fishes around in his ruffles and sequins and laces in an attempt to locate his gun and/or sniper*

Gojyo: *laughing and typing* =And the monk's gun turned into a salmon and his sniper flew to the moon…=

Sanzo: *pulls out a fish and stares as the sniper goes zooming out of sight*

Goku: *walks up from the trip to the Togenkyo Burger Palace* What's going on, ero kappa? I thought I just saw Sanzo's gun flying off somewhere…*chews on a burger*

Gojyo: It was flying off somewhere… *types*=The baka saru's burgers all start attacking him…=

(The burgers grow fangs between the cheese and tomato sauce and start snapping at Goku's fingers)

Goku: Ouch! Nanda??! Ow! AHHHHHHH!!!!! *runs*

Gojyo: *is in hysterics* This is fun!!

Hakkai: *emerges from the boot of the jeep* Ano… what's fun, Gojyo? And-Sanzo!

Sanzo: *growling* WHAT??! *still dancing*

Hakkai: Ah…nothing^^;;…

Gojyo: Hakkai? But I don't want to mess around with you…*grins* not yet anyway…*types* =Hakkai goes back into the boot to have tea until Gojyo is done tormenting the saru and the bozou…=

Hakkai: *disappears back into the truck* Ahh…tea…

Sanzo: *still hopping to the cow's moos* You're. Going. To. Die.

Gojyo: *smirking* I. Don't. Think. So. *types*=The monk's hair falls off and is replaced with cotton candy…=

(Sanzo's golden tresses collapse to the ground in a heap and are replaced by stringy sheets of candy)

Goku: *running past* Sanzooooooo!! I liked your hair!

Sanzo: *turning red* So did I -__-++…*birds land on his shoulders and peck at his head*

Gojyo: *is rolling around in circles and laughing his head off*

Sanzo: *twitching madly* What I'd do for my gun…-_-+++

Gojyo: Ah…but you don't have it anymore, do you? You'll never shoot at me again! *types*=The bozou's nose is replaced by a sausage, and his feet turn into jelly=

(Sanzo is now wobbling to the beat; nose flapping all over the place and hair basically disappearing. Needless to say, he has also clenched his fists so tightly that several air molecules in the vicinity of his hands were heard suffocating and screaming for help)

Sanzo:…*now speaking through his teeth* Where the hell did you get that thing anyway, you bakakappa?

Gojyo: Dunno…some ugly old dude with a serious skin problem gave it to me…*thinks of something to do to Goku*

Sanzo:…Ritouden?

Gojyo: Yeah…that was his name…*types*=The saru turns into a monkey with webbed feet and his meat buns turn into pelicans…=

(Goku chatters angrily and swipes at the pelicans with his tail)

Sanzo: *smiles slowly*

Gojyo: *notices immediately and freezes* Why do you have that look on your face?

Sanzo: *still smiling. And dancing, and being eaten* What look?

Gojyo: The one that says you've got a plan than will get you out of this fix and get me into a whole bunch of pain…

Sanzo: Hn…perceptive…but you know what they say; the best way to get upstream is to get a boat and paddle…

Gojyo: *blinks*…Huh? What's that supposed to mean?

Sanzo:…I dunno…I just like saying it…

Gojyo: -_-;;;

Sanzo: *still smiling* Just wondering though…you wouldn't happen to have any chocolate on you, would you?

Gojyo: Eh? Well…yeah…I think so…why?

Homura: *leaps ten feet from a nearby palm tree and tackles him* CHOCOLATE!! GIMMEE!!!

Sanzo:…Oh…no reason…

Gojyo: Ack! Get off me!

Homura: *grabs him by the boots and starts shaking* Not until you give me the chocolate!

Gojyo: *reaching for the keyboard*

Zeon: *picks it up* Heeeey…what do we have here? *turns it over* There's a label. Property…of…Ritouden…EEW!!! *drops it* I've got COOTIES!!! YUCK!!

Shien: *rolls his eyes. Or tries to, anyway*  Yadda yadda…*ducks into the boot to have tea with Hakkai*

Zeon: *is scrubbing his hands with a cactus* I've been CONTAMINATED! Scarred for life!!!

Homura: *drops Gojyo* You're in cahoots with the old guy?? Traitor!

Sanzo:…I was thinking the exact same thing…

Homura: *blinks*

Zeon: *stares*

Homura: Uh…Konzen…

Zeon: What're you doing?

Sanzo:…What does it look like I'm doing?

Zeon:…Dancing?

Homura: In a …*gulps*dress…

Zeon: With a cow…

Homura: *jumps* Kanzeon's here?

Gojyo: *rolls eyes* No, you idiot…*grabs the keyboard at last* I made him do it! Ritouden gave me a keyboard of power! The world is at my fingertips!!

Sanzo: *ignores him*…If my memory is correct, you two owe me for your damage to the kappahead…

Zeon: Oh yeah…drat…I was hoping you forgot…

Homura: You want us to kill him?

Sanzo:…I thought about it, but no…I still need someone to carry my bags. Just get that idiotic thing away from him so I can pound him into oblivion with Mr. Fan here…

Zeon: It…has a name?

Sanzo: Yep…named it yesterday, when it drove a hole through a youkai's skull…*pats fan fondly*

Fan: *squirms happily and glows with pride*

Homura:…O.o;

Zeon: My thoughts exactly…*to Sanzo* So…after we do this…we'll be even right?

Sanzo:…Did I say that?

Homura: Then what's the point of us risking our health and sanity for a monk who'd be better off to us dead anyway?

Sanzo: I got discount cards to Kougaiji's Cookie Emporium…

Homura: Deal!

Zeon:…Y'know…you've got nothing to worry about, Homura…you never had any sanity to lose in the first place…

Homura: I know. *grins*

Zeon: *sighs* Oh well…*shrugs* Shall we?

Homura: *grinning even boarder* Let's…

(The two Stooges (the third Stooge finally got tired of their senselessness and decided to evade their company) walk up to Gojyo, who is still spouting off gibberish about world domination and flying alligators and eighteen wheelers with caramel windscreens)

Zeon: Oi! *pokes him*

Gojyo: Ouch! *glares* What'd you do that for?

Zeon: Felt like it…that and the fact that you're talking like a complete imbecile…

Homura: A moron…

Zeon: A brainless oaf…

Homura: And an idiot besides…

Gojyo: Yeah? Well…*starts typing*=Homura turns into a fairy pig with polka dotted wings and Zeon simply ceases to exist=

(Nothing happens)

Gojyo: I didn't need you to tell me that!

Zeon: Y'see…Ritouden forgot to mention one teeny tiny flaw about that machine…

Homura: Either that, or he's even stupider than we thought.

Zeon: *nods* Anyway, that keyboard is only useful against people who have no idea what it is.

Homura: We used it as an April Fool's gag last year…turned all of Shien's compacts into frogs…*big smile* Which leaves you…completely out of luck…*cracks knuckles*

Zeon: Yep…*shoulders his gun* Sad, isn't it?

Sanzo: *calling over the cow, which has suddenly decided to dance the tango instead* You'd better make sure he's still breathing after you're through! *twitch* I feel the inane need to pummel him 'til his head cracks open and his jaw gets cramped from all the screaming...

Homura: Aw…don't worry….*flings an arm over Gojyo's neck* We'll be nice.

Zeon: *ruffles his hair* We'll be really nice.

Gojyo:…I hate my life…T_____T

=And so, the day ends pointlessly with the keyboard "mysteriously" self-destructing, Gojyo getting destroyed, and Nataku Man saving the realm of Togenkyo with his trusty apprentice-Demon Boy, and his trusty apprentice-the Sword!=

Nataku: Quick! We must act quickly, Demon Boy! The citizens are all in grave peril!

Dokukakuji: Here Nataku Man! Catch! *throws him a fire extinguisher*

Nataku: *sprays back the flames happily* The Evil Flame has been vanquished! Rejoice, terror-stricken civilians; rejoice!

Kougaiji: *grabs Lirin by the ear* That's the last time I let you cook lunch by yourself!

*A pelican shuffles out in a diver's costume*

*Pelican: Squeeeeeee!!!! *giggles madly and flaps away*

~Ah…gomen, gomen…didn't know about all the mistakes in name-spelling…got them right from the anime translations and now I'm too lazy to change everything…^^;;

It's not that bad though, right? I mean-there is only one guy in the whole show whose name starts with "Ze", and one guy whose name is long enough to be an entire address all by itself….;

Neways, many happy holidays to those who have them (though mine are already coming to an end T__T)! Teachers are incarnations of evil, but they never believe me when I try to warn them…*sighs*

Oh yeah…has anyone else out there read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and thinks it's the best thing to have arrived since the invention of the microwavable dishes? Woohoooooo!! I can't wait for the sixth book!! ^__________________^ ~

—End fic—

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