Chapter Thirteen - Nobody Knows It But Me
5pm - The Lounge
She was dying inside, and nobody knew it but her. It was so hard to keep things from John. She loved him so much, but it was too late. Two days ago, she had had an abortion. An abortion. Her second abortion of her life. There must be something in her head telling her she wasn't meant to be a Mother. She should have one child and another on the way by now, but instead, she was a childless woman who killed her two chances of having kids. And she felt awful. This time, it was a mistake. Before she did it, she thought she could pretend to John she had a miscarriage. But now, that looked pathetic. He wasn't stupid. He could easily find out she hadn't. God what had she done?
Her thoughts were interrupted by somebody striding into the lounge. She didn't quite register who it was at first, until they spoke.
"Abby?"
"Yeah what?"
"You okay?" Asked the concerned voice.
"Yeah yeah I'm fine. Just day dreaming!"
"I know what that's like." Answered the voice.
Silence fell upon them as the figure moved over to the coffee machine.
"You sure everything's okay?"
"Yeah sure why wouldn't it be?"
"You just seem a little distant in the past couple of days. Anything you wanna talk about?"
'Yeah I had an abortion two days ago and John doesn't know.' Maybe not.
"No thanks Susan. I'll be fine."
"Okay."
"I gotta get back to work. Catch you later."
"Yeah!" Called Susan as Abby swiftly left the room.
'What's bugging her?' Thought Susan as she carried on making her evening coffee.
The day went by slowly, like the day yesterday, and the day before. It was playing on her mind like nothing before. This time she had really done it. Well and truly done it. She'd got rid of her child, and probably now she'll lose John because of it. Sometimes she hated the world, it never seemed to go right. And when it did, it didn't stay like that for long. She was confused, she didn't know what to do. Should she tell John the truth? Or pretend she had a miscarriage? Or maybe even just leave it and when he starts to notice she isn't growing in size, she can tell him that...oh she didn't know. It was so hard. But she thought, 'I brought this on myself, it's my fault'. It's always her fault.
9pm - Abby's Apartment
"Hey sweetie, how you feeling?"
"Uh yeah fine."
"You sure? Susan said you looked a bit down today. Anything wrong?"
"Nope. Everything's fine."
He gave her a curious look and she looked away, trying not to look in his, it would make the pain of knowing she'd hurt him even worse. She hated lying to him, it was so hard, but what could she do?
"I was thinking about the wedding. I think we should have it on the 12th May. Sorta, middle of the fall, it should be nice weather but not too hot. Gamma thinks it's..."
"She interrupted him suddenly. She couldn't stand lying to him anymore.
"John I had an abortion!"
As soon as she said it, she froze. 'I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have said it!' He stood glued to his spot, frozen in his tracks, she had had an abortion.
"I had an abortion." She said, quietly repeating it, as if he hadn't heard.
What could he possibly say to that? He needn't bother, she walked out.
Two hours later
She carefully put the key in the lock and turned it as silently as she could. He may have been asleep, or maybe he wasn't even there. He was. She slowly came into the apartment and placed her keys on the side. Where was he? She took off her sweater and walked slowly around the apartment searching. He wasn't in the living room, nor the kitchen, nor the bathroom. She tried the spare room, no, he wasn't in there, just her Mom sleeping soundly. She hadn't been disturbed by their slight argument earlier. There was only one place he could be, if he was there at all. He cautiously opened the bedroom door, and there he was. Back facing her, hiding his head in his hands, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"John." She breathed.
He sat, motionless, still head in hands. She moved forward towards him a little. His back still turned, she could feel the coldness between them. Why did she have to do this? She should have just suffered in silence, gone ahead with the baby. She was selfish, she didn't think about him, or anybody else but herself.
"John please."
She tried again. She moved around the bed to the side where he was sitting and waited patiently for him to speak.
"John talk to me. Don't do this."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why did you do this?"
"I.I don't know."
"You don't know?! Do you know what this has done to us?! You should have told me Abby. Before preferably."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah well sorry isn't going to bring our child back is it?"
"John please don't be angry."
"Angry?! Angry! You don't expect me to be angry? Well that's rich Abby. You kill our child and don't tell me till afterwards and expect me to not be angry?! Well I'm sorry if I've disappointed you."
"Stop! Please I'm sorry okay I'm so sorry!"
She broke down and began to cry. For the first time he had ever seen her this upset. She always tried to hide her emotions, not to cry, and pretend everything was alright. This time she wasn't.
"I'm sorry John, please, please forgive me." She sobbed quietly as she curled up on the floor next to the bed.
He slid down off the bed and pulled her into his embrace. He wished he'd been stronger and not comforted her, and told her how he really felt, but it was too hard. He couldn't hurt her. Not again. This time it was her who needed to be saved.
"Abby please. I'm not..angry, I'm just. I'm confused. I don't understand."
She sobbed a reply which was inaudible. He figured there was plenty of time for her to explain it all, but now, she just needed to cry, and she needed his support. She had killed their child. But then, if she had kept it, she would probably have been more unhappy. But why had she done it? She must have been unhappy all this time, and not said a word. He started to feel guilty as he felt the wetness of her tears seeping through his shirt. He leaned his head on the top of hers and sighed heavily, breathing softly into her hair. She shivered, feeling his warmth surrounding her. She relaxed and just let herself cry into him. It felt, good. To cry. To not feel ashamed of crying. Whenever she cried, she always felt bad, like it was a crime, but he made it feel right. Like it wasn't a bad thing, more like it was good. In a way, it was a lucky omen, now he had seen her at her lowest, crying, nobody had ever really seen her cry. Maybe her Mom. But nobody she was this close to. It usually hurt too much. But now, it was okay.
He held her for what seemed like ages. He held her for all the times he had hurt her, he held her for all the times she had been hurt, he knew then he would hold her forever, whatever was thrown their way. An hour had passed and they still sat leaning against the bed, her head now leaning on his shoulder, and she was asleep. It was weird, she felt safe now, like she could face anything. She dreamed of a life where they had no problems, living far away from anybody, from anywhere, alone and carefree. It was like paradise. She wished they could live in paradise together, far away from all their problems. She wished she had never got pregnant in the first place, then this mess would never have occurred. But it had. And this was reality. Would he ever really forgive her? She had killed his child, a whole life. A person. The guilt for herself was bad enough, but now she had ruined John's life, the guilt was worse. It felt like the world was on her shoulders. She carried on dreaming of this perfect life in paradise while he lifted her up and put her into bed. He covered her up and then climbed in next to her. Just watching her sleep, seeing her chest rise up and down, sometimes more quickly than before because she had been crying. He ran his hand over her cheek and kissed her forehead as he snuggled up close to her. He wrapped his arms around her still petite frame and pulled her closer to him as he slowly drifted off to sleep.
They slept for hours. For an eternity. Together for an eternity. They slept together, not apart, together. Every movement was felt by the other, and they stayed so close all night, it was as if they had been apart for years. He never let her go, and she never escaped from his grasp. She loved this, sleeping together without actually sleeping together. Feeling the warmth of one another around them made each feel safe, and in a way what she had done had brought them closer together. It wasn't as if they had never slept like this before, but usually by the morning one of them had moved onto the other side of the bed, or they had become unattached somehow. This time, when they woke, they were still intertwined under the covers, legs wrapped around each other and his arms covering her like a protective barrier. Nothing could ever hurt her when he did this, so she never wanted these moments to end.
11am - Abby's Apartment
The phone rang. Once, twice, three times.
"Hello?" Said a sleepy Carter. "It is, who's speaking? Oh yes, hello. Yes thank you. Sure, just send it over. Right, of course. Well I'll pick up the keys at around..one? That's great. Thanks Laura. Yeah see you then. Bye."
He replaced the receiver and moved back into Abby and sighed heavily as he closed his eyes again slowly.
"Who was that?" Said a groggy Abby.
"Laura. The paperwork's done. She said I can go get the keys today."
"Oh."
"That's if you still want to?" Enquired Carter.
She turned over so she was facing him. He slowly opened his eyes to see Abby staring directly into them.
"Yes. I do. Do you?"
"Yeah. More than anything."
"That's settled then. I already booked the movers for tomorrow anyway so you don't have a choice!"
"I'm working tomorrow Abby!"
"I asked Weaver to change the shifts. You're doing one shift Thursday and a double on Friday."
"Oh okay then! Nice of you to inform me."
"I thought it would be a nice surprise."
"A lovely surprise doing a double on Friday when I could be with you settling into our new home!"
"I'm sorry John. It was either that or working three doubles next week to cover for the days you could have off this week."
"Actually I'd rather do that."
"You would? Okay well I'll call Weaver later."
"I'd just prefer to spend this week with you. Especially at the moment, we still have things to sort out."
"I know. I guess you're right."
"I am!"
She smiled and closed her eyes again.
"Don't get too comfortable we've gotta go get the keys at 1!" He smirked as she grumbled and turned over.
He lay there for a while, just thinking, he had, in a way, forgiven her. But he was still hurting inside. More than she had ever hurt him before. He couldn't understand her reason for doing it. He needed to understand, and he knew if he didn't then it would just get worse and continue to eat him up inside until he started to turn against her in a way, for taking away their child. Something needed to be done.
5pm - The Lounge
She was dying inside, and nobody knew it but her. It was so hard to keep things from John. She loved him so much, but it was too late. Two days ago, she had had an abortion. An abortion. Her second abortion of her life. There must be something in her head telling her she wasn't meant to be a Mother. She should have one child and another on the way by now, but instead, she was a childless woman who killed her two chances of having kids. And she felt awful. This time, it was a mistake. Before she did it, she thought she could pretend to John she had a miscarriage. But now, that looked pathetic. He wasn't stupid. He could easily find out she hadn't. God what had she done?
Her thoughts were interrupted by somebody striding into the lounge. She didn't quite register who it was at first, until they spoke.
"Abby?"
"Yeah what?"
"You okay?" Asked the concerned voice.
"Yeah yeah I'm fine. Just day dreaming!"
"I know what that's like." Answered the voice.
Silence fell upon them as the figure moved over to the coffee machine.
"You sure everything's okay?"
"Yeah sure why wouldn't it be?"
"You just seem a little distant in the past couple of days. Anything you wanna talk about?"
'Yeah I had an abortion two days ago and John doesn't know.' Maybe not.
"No thanks Susan. I'll be fine."
"Okay."
"I gotta get back to work. Catch you later."
"Yeah!" Called Susan as Abby swiftly left the room.
'What's bugging her?' Thought Susan as she carried on making her evening coffee.
The day went by slowly, like the day yesterday, and the day before. It was playing on her mind like nothing before. This time she had really done it. Well and truly done it. She'd got rid of her child, and probably now she'll lose John because of it. Sometimes she hated the world, it never seemed to go right. And when it did, it didn't stay like that for long. She was confused, she didn't know what to do. Should she tell John the truth? Or pretend she had a miscarriage? Or maybe even just leave it and when he starts to notice she isn't growing in size, she can tell him that...oh she didn't know. It was so hard. But she thought, 'I brought this on myself, it's my fault'. It's always her fault.
9pm - Abby's Apartment
"Hey sweetie, how you feeling?"
"Uh yeah fine."
"You sure? Susan said you looked a bit down today. Anything wrong?"
"Nope. Everything's fine."
He gave her a curious look and she looked away, trying not to look in his, it would make the pain of knowing she'd hurt him even worse. She hated lying to him, it was so hard, but what could she do?
"I was thinking about the wedding. I think we should have it on the 12th May. Sorta, middle of the fall, it should be nice weather but not too hot. Gamma thinks it's..."
"She interrupted him suddenly. She couldn't stand lying to him anymore.
"John I had an abortion!"
As soon as she said it, she froze. 'I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have said it!' He stood glued to his spot, frozen in his tracks, she had had an abortion.
"I had an abortion." She said, quietly repeating it, as if he hadn't heard.
What could he possibly say to that? He needn't bother, she walked out.
Two hours later
She carefully put the key in the lock and turned it as silently as she could. He may have been asleep, or maybe he wasn't even there. He was. She slowly came into the apartment and placed her keys on the side. Where was he? She took off her sweater and walked slowly around the apartment searching. He wasn't in the living room, nor the kitchen, nor the bathroom. She tried the spare room, no, he wasn't in there, just her Mom sleeping soundly. She hadn't been disturbed by their slight argument earlier. There was only one place he could be, if he was there at all. He cautiously opened the bedroom door, and there he was. Back facing her, hiding his head in his hands, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"John." She breathed.
He sat, motionless, still head in hands. She moved forward towards him a little. His back still turned, she could feel the coldness between them. Why did she have to do this? She should have just suffered in silence, gone ahead with the baby. She was selfish, she didn't think about him, or anybody else but herself.
"John please."
She tried again. She moved around the bed to the side where he was sitting and waited patiently for him to speak.
"John talk to me. Don't do this."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why did you do this?"
"I.I don't know."
"You don't know?! Do you know what this has done to us?! You should have told me Abby. Before preferably."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah well sorry isn't going to bring our child back is it?"
"John please don't be angry."
"Angry?! Angry! You don't expect me to be angry? Well that's rich Abby. You kill our child and don't tell me till afterwards and expect me to not be angry?! Well I'm sorry if I've disappointed you."
"Stop! Please I'm sorry okay I'm so sorry!"
She broke down and began to cry. For the first time he had ever seen her this upset. She always tried to hide her emotions, not to cry, and pretend everything was alright. This time she wasn't.
"I'm sorry John, please, please forgive me." She sobbed quietly as she curled up on the floor next to the bed.
He slid down off the bed and pulled her into his embrace. He wished he'd been stronger and not comforted her, and told her how he really felt, but it was too hard. He couldn't hurt her. Not again. This time it was her who needed to be saved.
"Abby please. I'm not..angry, I'm just. I'm confused. I don't understand."
She sobbed a reply which was inaudible. He figured there was plenty of time for her to explain it all, but now, she just needed to cry, and she needed his support. She had killed their child. But then, if she had kept it, she would probably have been more unhappy. But why had she done it? She must have been unhappy all this time, and not said a word. He started to feel guilty as he felt the wetness of her tears seeping through his shirt. He leaned his head on the top of hers and sighed heavily, breathing softly into her hair. She shivered, feeling his warmth surrounding her. She relaxed and just let herself cry into him. It felt, good. To cry. To not feel ashamed of crying. Whenever she cried, she always felt bad, like it was a crime, but he made it feel right. Like it wasn't a bad thing, more like it was good. In a way, it was a lucky omen, now he had seen her at her lowest, crying, nobody had ever really seen her cry. Maybe her Mom. But nobody she was this close to. It usually hurt too much. But now, it was okay.
He held her for what seemed like ages. He held her for all the times he had hurt her, he held her for all the times she had been hurt, he knew then he would hold her forever, whatever was thrown their way. An hour had passed and they still sat leaning against the bed, her head now leaning on his shoulder, and she was asleep. It was weird, she felt safe now, like she could face anything. She dreamed of a life where they had no problems, living far away from anybody, from anywhere, alone and carefree. It was like paradise. She wished they could live in paradise together, far away from all their problems. She wished she had never got pregnant in the first place, then this mess would never have occurred. But it had. And this was reality. Would he ever really forgive her? She had killed his child, a whole life. A person. The guilt for herself was bad enough, but now she had ruined John's life, the guilt was worse. It felt like the world was on her shoulders. She carried on dreaming of this perfect life in paradise while he lifted her up and put her into bed. He covered her up and then climbed in next to her. Just watching her sleep, seeing her chest rise up and down, sometimes more quickly than before because she had been crying. He ran his hand over her cheek and kissed her forehead as he snuggled up close to her. He wrapped his arms around her still petite frame and pulled her closer to him as he slowly drifted off to sleep.
They slept for hours. For an eternity. Together for an eternity. They slept together, not apart, together. Every movement was felt by the other, and they stayed so close all night, it was as if they had been apart for years. He never let her go, and she never escaped from his grasp. She loved this, sleeping together without actually sleeping together. Feeling the warmth of one another around them made each feel safe, and in a way what she had done had brought them closer together. It wasn't as if they had never slept like this before, but usually by the morning one of them had moved onto the other side of the bed, or they had become unattached somehow. This time, when they woke, they were still intertwined under the covers, legs wrapped around each other and his arms covering her like a protective barrier. Nothing could ever hurt her when he did this, so she never wanted these moments to end.
11am - Abby's Apartment
The phone rang. Once, twice, three times.
"Hello?" Said a sleepy Carter. "It is, who's speaking? Oh yes, hello. Yes thank you. Sure, just send it over. Right, of course. Well I'll pick up the keys at around..one? That's great. Thanks Laura. Yeah see you then. Bye."
He replaced the receiver and moved back into Abby and sighed heavily as he closed his eyes again slowly.
"Who was that?" Said a groggy Abby.
"Laura. The paperwork's done. She said I can go get the keys today."
"Oh."
"That's if you still want to?" Enquired Carter.
She turned over so she was facing him. He slowly opened his eyes to see Abby staring directly into them.
"Yes. I do. Do you?"
"Yeah. More than anything."
"That's settled then. I already booked the movers for tomorrow anyway so you don't have a choice!"
"I'm working tomorrow Abby!"
"I asked Weaver to change the shifts. You're doing one shift Thursday and a double on Friday."
"Oh okay then! Nice of you to inform me."
"I thought it would be a nice surprise."
"A lovely surprise doing a double on Friday when I could be with you settling into our new home!"
"I'm sorry John. It was either that or working three doubles next week to cover for the days you could have off this week."
"Actually I'd rather do that."
"You would? Okay well I'll call Weaver later."
"I'd just prefer to spend this week with you. Especially at the moment, we still have things to sort out."
"I know. I guess you're right."
"I am!"
She smiled and closed her eyes again.
"Don't get too comfortable we've gotta go get the keys at 1!" He smirked as she grumbled and turned over.
He lay there for a while, just thinking, he had, in a way, forgiven her. But he was still hurting inside. More than she had ever hurt him before. He couldn't understand her reason for doing it. He needed to understand, and he knew if he didn't then it would just get worse and continue to eat him up inside until he started to turn against her in a way, for taking away their child. Something needed to be done.
