A/N: This script is still being written, and so some scenes may take longer to put up on the site than others. It is being written by three people, who are known as Gilraen, Jatamanzi, and The Reverend. Any reviews given for the script WILL reach each and every author, so what are you waiting for?
Oh yes, the characters used are not always originally ours, we have just borrowed them... blah blah blah... Monty Python Scripts that we have used can be found at www.montypython.net, and we have used both parts from the book of Lord of the Rings, and also the film.
Big News! The parody now has a new home! Updates will still be published on FF.net - but If you are interested, please visit our site at http://clik.to/jrrhumour. Enjoy!
(Flames will be used to torture Gollum and his evil friends.)
The Botch of the Rings
A Joint effort
I amar prestar aen... (The world is
changed)
han mathon ne nen... (I feel it in the water)
han
mathon ne chae... (I feel it in the Earth)
a Han noston Ned
'wilith. (I smell it in the air)
Han! Mathon ne chae ton nestrod tombola? (Hey! Who the hell did that?)
Much that once was is lost. For none now live who remember it
Narrator: This tale began with the forging of the rings of power. My, that sounds good, POWER!! BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Crowd: GET ON WITH IT!!
Narrator: Oh right, sorry. Anyway – Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings (Or so THEY say). Seven were given to the Dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls, the winners of the "Hi-ho championships" of the first age. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else, desire power. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made.
In Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, where no swallow, laden or un-laden, could live, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master ring, to control all others. Into this ring, he poured all his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life on Middle Earth.
"One Ring to Rule them all"
One by one, the free lands in Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Ring. But there were some who resisted. Isildur a rather dashing young man, who took up his father's sword, defeated Sauron just by cutting the poor sod's finger off. The Ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever.
But the hearts of men are easily corrupted (Try visiting the Castle Anthrax).
Crowd: GET ON WITH IT!!
Sauron's head: [lying on the ground] YES – GET ON WITH IT!
Narrator: Oops, sorry, But the hearts of men are easily corrupted. And the Ring of Power has a will of its own. It betrayed Isildur to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost, and some that should not have been lost, forgotten, and a general mish-mash of forgetting and losing were forgotten, and indeed lost. Lost.
History became legend, legend became myth and for two and a half thousand years, the Ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer.
Gollum: My Precioussssss *cough cough splutter* hey! How come I have to be Gollum's voice??
Narrator: The Ring came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there, it consumed him.
Gollum: It came to me, my own, my love, my own prrrrreciousssss! *cough-cough* Gollum
Narrator: The Ring brought to Gollum unnatural long life, but not, as he had hoped, a lifetime's supply of throat sweets. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind. And in the gloom of Gollum's cave, it waited.
Until one day, it abandoned Gollum…. Poor bugger. What if he liked it? I know I had a ring once, it was lovely, it had little diamonds all over it, my second husband gave it to me for… *argh*
Note: The old narrator who was responsible for such delay has been sacked, and now we have replaced her with a new narrator, the woman who hired her. The story continues:
New Narrator: But something happened then the Ring did not intend. The most unlikely creature imaginable picked it up. No, NOT Chris Tarrant. Actually, I had a ring once…
Bilbo: What's this?
Narrator: A Hobbit: Bilbo Baggins of the Shire. Ugly little bugger.
Bilbo: A ring.
Gollum: [from afar] Losssst! My precious is lost!
Narrator: For the time would soon come when Hobbits would shape the fortunes of all.
