Narrator: And so Bilbo left the Shire, in search of the old paths he treaded as a young'un. He left the ring in Frodo's possession, who looked after it very well, on Gandalf's orders. Gandalf meanwhile was having a lovely time researching the history of the ONE RING! Lovely little trinket… Oh I said that earlier didn't I?

Gandalf rides to the outskirts of Mount Doom to observe the activity that going on. He then heads to Minas Tirith to study its ancient scrolls

Voice Over of Gandalf: Year 3434 of the Second Age. Here follows the account of Isildur, High King of Gondor and all round hottie, and the finding of the Ring of Power. It has come to me, the One Ring. It shall be an heirloom of my kingdom. It is precious to me, though I buy it with a great pain. I spent thousands of golden coins on a new polish for it, after all it should be kept nice and sparkly... The markings upon the band begin to fade. The writing, which at first was as clear as red flame, has all but disappeared. A secret now that only fire can tell.

Narrator: As Gandalf was off having a ball; the Nazgûl had been released from Mordor, and were on their way to find the keeper of the one ring. Gandalf returned to find Frodo at home, and told him the story of the one ring.

Gandalf: This is the one ring that Sauron forged. The writing upon it is in a tongue that I will not utter here. But in your common speech it means: One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all, and in the darkness, bind them.

Narrator: Upon hearing of the kinkiness of the ring, and hearing some explanation of the method of handcuffing so many Middle-Earth residents to a bedpost, Frodo started to get rather edgy.

Frodo: All right, we put it away. We keep it hidden. We never speak of it again. No one knows it's here, do they? Do they Gandalf?

Gandalf: There is one other who knew that Bilbo had the Ring. I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum. But the enemy found him first. I don't know how long they tortured him.

Scene flashes to Gollum's torture

Gollum: ARGH! Enough-aaa – We weren't expecting sssome kind of ssspanish inquisition, no precious!

[JARRING CHORD]

The door flies open in the torture chamber and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals.

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear… fear and surprise… Our two weapons are fear and surprise… and ruthless efficiency… Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency… and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope… Our four… no… amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise… I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)

Gollum: [sighs] we weren't expecting sssome kind of ssspanish inquisition!

[JARRING CHORD]

The cardinals burst in.

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the pope, and nice red uniforms – Oh damn! Cardinal, read the charges.

Cardinal Fang: Charges, erm… oh right the charges… You the creature Gollum, are hereby charged with knowing the whereabouts of the all-powerful one ring, and knowing the name of the one who –

Cardinal Biggles: That's enough. [To Gollum] now, how do you plead?

Gollum: Know? We don't know nothing… no preciousss

Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Superimposed caption: 'Diabolical Laughter'

Cardinal Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!

Superimposed Caption: 'Diabolical Acting'

Ximinez: Fear, surprise and a most ruthless--- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal, the rack!

Biggles produces a plastic coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums loudly to cover his anger.

Ximinez: You… Right! Tie him down!

Fang and Biggles attempt to tie him down on the drying rack.

Ximinez: Right! What do you know?

Gollum: Nothing! Argh!

Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack, oh dear, give the rack a turn.

Biggles stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders.

Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.

Biggles: Shall I…uh?

Ximinez: No, just pretend for Eru's sake, Ha! Ahahaha! Confess! Tell us what you know!

Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, lord.

Ximinez: Hm! He is made of tougher stuff! Fetch… The COMFY CHAIR!

[JARRING CHORD]

Fang: [terrified] The… Comfy chair?

Biggles pushes in a comfy chair – a really plush one.

Ximinez: So you think you are strong just because you could survive the… drying… rack… Well! We shall see. Biggles! Put him in the comfy chair!

They roughly push him into the comfy chair.

Ximinez: [aside, to Biggles] is that really all it is?

Biggles: Yes, lord.

Ximinez: I see. I suppose we could make it worse by shouting a lot could we? [Starts shouting] Confess! Tell us what you know! Ahahahaha!

Gollum: Shire!!! Baggins!!!

Scene flashes back

Frodo: Shire? Baggins? But that would lead them here!

Scene flashes to the riders and their steeds, holding two halves of coconuts

Wraith #1: Onward Satan!

Wraith #1's invisible horse, Satan, lunges forward

Hobbit on the road: Who goes there?

Wraith #2 chops off hobbit's head

Hobbit's Wife: You bastard! You chopped my husband's head off! You come back here and fight like a hobbit!!!

Brandishes an umbrella, and promptly does Wraith #1 lop off her head also

Scene flashes back

Frodo: Take it Gandalf! Take it!

Gandalf looks at the ring with what can only be described as lust…

Gandalf: No… I… I… [Clenches his fists and keeps them in the pockets of his cloak] Cannot!

Frodo looks downtrodden

Gandalf: I'm sorry Frodo, but I'm… too much of a coward to go and destroy such a… beautiful… beautiful ring… [Wipes his face with his hand and screws his eyes shut] Understand Frodo, I would... use this ring with the desire for self-gratification, but through me, the waves of pheromones would be too powerful for Middle-Earth to survive.

[Frodo looks on, now very confused.]

Frodo: Gratification… Pheromones?

[Frodo picks up his script, and, throwing it into the fire, continues]

Frodo: But it cannot stay in the Shire!

Gandalf: No! No it can't.

[Frodo pockets the ring, which vibrates on cue]

Frodo: OOH! [Flustered] I… eeh eeh aah… erm… what must I do?

Narrator: And so Frodo Baggins of the Shire took on the mammoth task of taking the ring of power from the Shire. He was to head for Bree, and all-round silly place, where he would meet Gandalf, and continue upon his quest. But a visitor arrived, that no one expected.

[Rustling is heard from the window, as Frodo is getting ready behind a cloth screen]

[Gandalf sighs, and moves from his position, where he had a perfect view behind the screen]

[Walks over to the window]

[With lightning speed, Gandalf shoves his staff out of the window, and drags Sam into the room]

Gandalf: Confound it all Samwise Gamgee! Have you been peeking?

Sam: [Stutters, then blushes] I… heh.

Gandalf: Why I ought to…

Sam: I heard raised voices

Gandalf: What did you hear? Speak!

Sam: N-N-Nothin important! That is I heard a great deal about a Spanish inquisition, and a cowardly wizard and the end of the world but… Please Mr. Gandalf sir, don't hurt me. Don't turn me into anything… unnatural.

Gandalf: No, perhaps not. I have thought of a better use for you.

[Frodo and Gandalf exchange sly looks, and the scene ends]