Narrator: Upon the rest of their journey to Bree, the Hobbits met many illustrious names: Tom Bobtail the dim-witted idiot in yellow boots, The Barrow-Wights of Middle-earth, clad in fuchsia socks, and of course, who could forget, the Old man Billow, who flew away in the wind before they had the chance to strike up a proper conversation. We meet them now at the gate to Bree.
Scene: The four hobbits walk up to the Gate of Bree in the pouring rain, and Frodo stops to call to the Gatekeeper.
Frodo: Halt! Hello! Hello!
Gatekeeper [speaks in a French accent]: 'Allo! Who is zis?
Frodo: We are four hobbits of the Shire; we wish to stay at the inn. Who owns it?
Gatekeeper: That is the home of my master, Barliman de Breeland!
Frodo: Go and tell your master that Gandalf has charged us with an important quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he will be greatly rewarded, with this.
Frodo holds out the ring, and the other hobbits look at him in shock. Sam whispers something to Pippin.
Gatekeeper: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see?
Frodo: What?
Sam: He says they've already got one!
Frodo: Are you sure he's got one?
Gatekeeper: Oh yes, it's very nice-a. [Aside: I told him we've already got one]
Frodo: Well, um, can we come in and have a look?
Gatekeeper: Of course not! You are Shire types-a!
Frodo: Well, what are you then? You don't sound like a Breelander!
Gatekeeper: I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly ring bearer!
Sam: What are you doing in Bree?
Gatekeeper: Mind your own business!
Frodo and the others turn to each other and speak about the strangeness of the situation. Frodo turns around again.
Frodo: If you will not take us to the inn, we shall take this gate by force!
Gatekeeper: You don't frighten us, Shire pig-dogs! ---Go and boil your bottom, nephew of a crazy hobbit! I blow my nose at you, so-called ring bearer, you and all your silly Shire knnnniggets!
Merry: What a strange person.
Frodo: Now look here, my good man!
Gatekeeper: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!
Pippin: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
Gatekeeper: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
Merry: Fiends, I'll tear them apart!
Frodo: No no, no no!
Sam: Master, I have a plan master Frodo.
[Later]
[Cheap sawing sound effects]
[Wheeling Trojan rabbit up to the gates of Bree]
Muttering Breelanders [in French accents of course]: C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh, on y va. Bon magne. Over here…
[More cheap sound effects]
The hobbits hide behind a bush in front of the gate and watch as the rabbit is taken inside.
Frodo: What happens now?
Sam: Well, now uh, you, Merry, Pippin and I, wait until nightfall, and then LEAP out of the rabbit, taking the Breelanders by surprise.
Frodo: Who leaps out?
Sam: Uh, you, Merry, Pippin, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh.. and uh…
All: Oh Sam!
Sam: Oh… Um, I—look, if we built this large wooden badger…
