Scene: The camera swoops over Isengard and up to the Pinnacle of Orthanc where Gandalf is held prisoner all of a sudden. A moth flutters into view and is caught by Gandalf, who whispers to it
Gandalf (whispering): Gwaihir. Go, Gwaihir, I need that hat back. It was my party trick! Well, one of them : my other involves breakdancing in the Orthanc basement with Saruman, but all that spinning on ones head does make one dizzy. Um.
Gandalf sends it off, before collapsing in a fit of tears, the moth flies away. Scene swoops down into the Caverns of Isengard as forging of weapons and armour are well underway. Saruman observes all the activity with pride and witnesses the birth of Lurtz and the Uruk Hai.
Lurtz:[cringing] EEW! I'VE GOT GOO ALL OVER ME!!!
Saruman: Whom do you serve, oh goo-covered one?
Lurtz: Not telling.
Saruman: What? You WILL answer me, for I am your master!
Lurtz: There you go then.
Saruman: Eh?
Lurtz: You've answered your own question, haven't you? Now stop waffling and pass me the pumice stone, some of this cack is very hard to get off, and I have make-up in an hour. Do you KNOW how long it takes to get that white hand thingie right? DO you?
Saruman: Insolent fool! No bread and butter pudding for YOU!
Narrator: So, the ring wraiths? ahem, hells grannies, continued to chase the hobbits and Strider through the countryside. Gorgeous place middle-earth isn't it? Lovely cows… vicious buggers, cows. A cow bit my sister in law once… Cows really DO spoil things so. Leaving their mess everywhere like that. AND the chip wrappers. In fact, next time I see a cow, I'M going to bite one of THEM, see how THEY like it! A-ha! *listens to voice in earpiece* Well yes of COURSE I eat them normally, but I'm going to bite an uncooked one...never mind. You're stifling me. Stifling.
We see Frodo and a male make-up artist, who is dabbing grey ash over Frodo's face.
Make up Artist: A little grey here, maybe a dab or so of white around the eyes, and my darling, you must have some of this fake blood on your nose, you'll just look so rough!
Narrator: Ahem?
The make-up artist scampers off giggling. The five companions run through the trees, Strider holding Frodo on his shoulders. Sam turns back and gives Strider a very evil look as they continue.
Sam: Mr. Frodo? to StriderHe's going cold!
Pippin: Is he going to die?
Strider: He's passing into the shadow world. He will soon become a hells granny like them.
Frodo gasps, and a tear falls from his face, leaving a pink streak behind it. The Nazgul cry is heard from a distance
Strider kneels at Frodo's side and attempts to dress the wound.
Strider: There is only so much I can do for him...he needs Elvis medicine
Sam: Uh-huh-huh!
Strider: I beg your pardon???
Sam: I SAID uh-huh-huh! Thank you very much, uh-huh-huh!
Strider: Have you taken leave of your senses, man? Er, Hobbit?
Sam: I'm only doing what you asked! You're so touchy!
Strider: I SAID he needs Elvish medicine!
Sam: No you bloody well did not! Elvis medicine, you said, I heard you clear as day! You SO did! Don't even TRY and deny it! You said, and I quote: There is only so much I can do for him, he needs.....*Whap*
Sam is suddenly on his back, and Strider is rubbing his sore hand.
Merry: They're close.
Strider: Sam, do you know Athelas plant?
Sam: Not talking to you. Meanie. (Sees the look on Strider's face.) Oh....um. Of course. Er. Athelas, you say?
Strider: It is also known as Kingsfoil.
Sam: Kingsfoil- aye, that's a weed, had a few good times with the help of that little leaf…
Strider: It may help to slow the poison. Hurry!
Sam: And....Mars bars? I mean, if we're gonna turn this into an all-night thing, we'll at least need Mars bars. Possibly the number for a take-away too? Are there any 24-hour garages in this godforsaken forest?
Strider: Just go Sam.
Sam: But...
Strider: (Interrupting) I'm going to kick you SO hard in the bum that you'll be coughing socks, Samwise my lad!
Sam: How wude!
Strider: And you need to work on a catchphrase. That one has already been used. And it's crap.
Sam: (under his breath) Knackers.
Strider: And I heard that...
They search for the plant. Strider finds a small patch and proceeds to collect it. Suddenly a sword is at his throat.
Arwen: What's this? A ranger caught off his guard?
Arwen drops her sword abruptly and yelps.
Arwen: Ouch! I broke a nail!!!
Frodo, lying on the ground, senses a white light nearing him. He turns towards it, and like a vision, sees Arwen approaching
Arwen: Frodo.... Im Arwen. Telin le thaed jalapeno (Frodo, I am Arwen. I come to help you, spicy bum.)
Arwen: Lasto beth nîn. Tolo dan na ngalad boilinthebag (Listen to my word. Come back to the light, Uncle Ben)
Merry: in aweWho is she?
Arwen: kneelsFrodo!
Sam: She's an elf.
Arwen: He's fading!
Frodo Gasps
Frodo: And turn the landing light off, would you? It eeez far too bright for my leeeeetle eyes...
Arwen: He's not going to last. We must get him to my father. I've been looking for you for 2 days.
Merry: Where are you taking him? Yo! Elf-girl, get back here right now and gimme frodo back!
The hobbits begin to scuffle, arguing over who actually gets to keep Frodo.
Arwen: There are 5 wraiths behind you. Where the other 4 are, I do not know. Strider mounts Frodo onto the horse, Asfaloth
Strider/Aragorn: Dartho guin Beriain. Rych le ad tolthathon. (Stay with the Hobbits. I will send horses for you)
Arwen: Hon mabathon. Rochon ellint im. (Bugger off! I wanna ride Asfaloth! he doesn't like you, maybe he would if you bathed every so often.)
Strider/Aragorn: Andelu i ven. (Be like that then.)
Pippin: What are they saying?
Merry: [Gives a knowing smile]
Arwen: Frodo fîr. Ae athradon i hir, tur gwaith nîin beriatha hon. (Frodo looks awful. If I get across the river, the talent of my people will give him a great makeover. This week we are using Cacharel.)
Pippin: I know some Elven. Check this out! Il porcupino ni sodomi est...
Merry: What? That's not Elven!
Pippin: It is too! It refers to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the force...
Merry: You're a flaming looney. Hold on, that's familiar, anyway. Wrong film, dumbass! Did you even READ the script? AND I've just figured out what your 'Elven' translates into! Il porcupino ni sodomi est, that means 'A hedgehog can't be bugge..'.
Pippin: (Interrupting) Oh, go boil your head. At least I'm trying to get into the swing of things.
Merry: Just shut up, will you? I'm getting a driving urge to stick my foot in your ear, you know?
Pippin: You're getting mighty angry...fear leads to hate, hate leads to anger, anger leads to... suffering!
Merry: I am SO going to twat you.
Pippin: EVIL! Evil! Unclean! Strider, Strider, Merry keeps threatening to hit me! Striiiiiiiider!
