The screen is pulled apart in a brutal display of strength by Arwen, who now strides in front of the camera, a swirling canvas of snow now buzzing behind her.
Arwen: Excuse me? Who's part of the film is this? I hardly get a look-in with this adaptation! Now give me my fame will you?
Storms off in a huff, Sam appears from the side of the shot.
Sam: Actually, if the film had stayed how it was in the first place, she wouldn't say a word in the first film, she'd just sit in the hall of fire and look sexy. I mean that is er… PJ really did go too far with the ahem OTHER adaptation, but I think this one's much better, captures the spirit a bit better I think. Nothing to do with my pay package at all…
Sam is pulled from the shot by Arwen, and then given a damned good scolding. The scene returns to the forest, and Arwen runs back for her close-up.
Director: Okay folks! Let's take it from the top!
Arwen: [Reassuringly to Aragorn] I do not fear them.
Aragorn: [Looking a little lost] What? Who? You?
Arwen: No you Nit!! The Grannies! [Calms herself with a supreme effort] Where were we?
A Stage manager runs into shot and hands the script to Arwen, who reads it over idly, flipping through the pages and ripping out her lines.
Arwen: [Reassuringly] I do not fear them.
Aragorn: [Blushes] I err… I still don't know who you're talking about.
Director: CUT!!!
The director strides onto the set, and takes Aragorn by his shoulders, walking him around to speak with him. The camera follows.
Director: Look, strider buddy, this is your girlfriend, I need a little focus from you here okay? Hells grannies, everywhere [motions with his hands] closing in on you and the hobbits. Frodo's only hope is to be taken to Rivendell with Arwen, and there he must be healed of his wounds.
Aragorn: I thought he was going for a err… makeover?
Director: [Looking a little perplexed] Are you feeling okay buddy?
After a little more pep-talk, the scene restarts
Arwen: I do not fear them.
Aragorn: I err… heh.
Arwen thrusts the script into his hands.
Aragorn: [Reading the script at last] Be jest lin (I do – I'm scared mommy!) Oh! Those are the lines... hmm okay where were we? Arwen… Ride hard, don't look back!
Arwen: [Sighs with relief and climbs upon Asfaloth, behind Frodo] Noro Lim Asfaloth! (Lets get the hell out of here horsie!)
Arwen reaches the river, and splashes across the ford. She pauses and looks back. The Hells Grannies have stopped at the edge of the water
Wraith#1: Give up the half-ling she-elf!
Arwen: draws her sword If you want him, come and claim him!
The Nazgul draw their swords and begin to cross the ford
Arwen: [Looks very frightened] Oh… bugger… Nîn o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer, Rimmo nîn Bruinen dan in Ulaer! Nîn o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer, Rimmo nîn Bruinen dan in Ulaer! (*Censored*)
The water level rises. A great flood comes around the bend, with peaks like white horses. The Nazgul are cast from their mounts and washed away down the river
Frodo starts to slip from the horse. Arwen lays him on the ground
Arwen: No! Frodo...No! Frodo, don't give in! Not now! Arwen cries and embraces Frodo
Voice Over of Arwen: What grace is given me, let it pass to him, let him be spared, save him.
Arwen: [Stopping abruptly] Do you think this scene is too much? I do dearly like it, I wish it would never end; this is the only time I'm the only character able to speak in one scene! And I do love the sound of my voice so… [Plays with her hair] PJ Didn't like me doing this scene in the OTHER film, he's very tarty about things like that – doesn't like you to improvise anythi…
Frodo: EXCUSE ME? Dying hobbit in need of hugging here!
