The following morning, at the Council of Elrond. Gandalf and Frodo along with a congregation of Men, Elves and Dwarves sit in a semi-circle around a stone pedestal. There are nibbles.
Elrond: Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate--this one doom. [Gestures to the pedestal] Bring forth the Ring, Frodo. Fear my. Short senten. Ces.
Frodo rises and lays the Ring on the pedestal and returns to his seat. People start whispering, because his hobbit-tonk is hanging out.
Boromir: So it is true...
Attendee: What, that Hobbits have hair on their feet but not on their...
Elven Attendee: (hurriedly interrupting) The Doom of Men!!
Man: Who said that? Was it you, pointy ears? I bet it bloody was, too!
Elven attendee: Doom of men, doom of men, not of elves, nerr nerr.
(Stops when Elrond glares at him)
Boromir: It is a gift, a gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this Ring? [Paces] It will look SUPER with this greaves, and if I can't have it, it'll do for a pressie for our nan. [Notices the strange looks he is receiving] Anyway! Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him! Let us buy 4 more, wear them all, and smack him square on the bonce!! Haveatyou! Hwaaaaa! [Starts to wave arms and legs about in a vaguely threatening manner]
Aragorn: You cannot wield it! None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master.
Boromir: And what would a ranger know of this matter?
Legolas (jumping up): This is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance! And at LEAST 20 gold coins for the nibbles!
Boromir: Aragorn? This... is Isildur's heir?
Legolas: No, his hair will have rotted away ages ago, what with him being a corpse and all that. And heir to the throne of Gondor.
Boromir: The throne of Gondor is NOT hairy! Hi-ya! Wataaaaaaaaah! It is cushioned and nice. Chop-socky!
Frodo looks wide-eyed at Boromir, and then Aragorn
Aragorn: Havo dad Legolas (Sit down Legolas)
Legolas: Yes please, two sugars.
Aragorn: No, I said Havo DAD, Legolas.
Legolas: How DARE you! I changed them this morning.
Aragorn: You know, for an Elf, you grasp of the language is masterful. PLEASE sit down.
Boromir: Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king. Returns to his seat
Gandalf: Aragorn is right. We cannot use it.
Elrond: You have only one choice... (A mysterious drum-roll type thing can be heard. Everyone looks around puzzled) The Ring must be destroyed. (Camera zooms in on Elronds fiz) Yes.... (Camera zooms out)... destroyed. (Camera in)
Gimli: What are we waiting for? Gimli grabs an axe and approaches the pedestal
Gimli: ARGH!!!!
Gimli strikes the Ring with full force but is repelled back, throwing him to the ground. Concurrently, Frodo sees the Eye of Sauron in his mind and winces in pain. The Ring remains intact with the shards of the axe all around it
Ring (whispers): Ooooh, you git. Gonna need to be polished, y'know. Git git git git git.
Elrond: The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin… In the background we see Gimli, sneaking up on the ring with what appears to be a baseball bat by any craft that we here possess… A dull thwack is heard, Gimli is again thrown back, and wanders off into the bushes muttering darkly The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. In the background a loud rumbling noise can now be heard, and a bright yellow helmet replaces Gimli's traditional Dwarven one as he pans across the background on a JCB Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep there is a scream of tortured metal, and much cursing in Dwarven, which, as we know, contains absolutely no vowels whatsoever. It sounds like a buffalo clearing an armour-plated frog from its throat. Into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came.
Gandalf extricates the struggling Dwarf from the wreckage of the JCB, picks him up by the beard and places him back in his seat
Yes....... (pauses).....from whence it came..... (Camera close up again.)
Ring (whispers): Ash Nazg
Elrond: What did you just say, Ring?
Ring: Ash Nazg, I said.
Elrond: Right, WHAT does 'Ash nazg' mean, and how did you say it in italics like that?
Ring: S'Ash nazg. It's myffic. Dosen't have to mean anyfing, right? I just whisper, all sibilant, like, and everyone KNOWS I am all magical and stuff. It's the LORE.
Elrond: One of you must do this.
Dead silence from the council, broken by Gimli, helmet removed and with a white headband 'pon his brow, screaming 'HI-YA!', leaping in the air, attempting to headbutt the ring, doing so, and falling on the floor, swearing profusely
Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. Dogs. Watchful dogs. And cows, too. AND those lizards with eyes that look in may directions at once. Sloth's, too. And the great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland. Riddled with fire and ash and dust, not an ASDA for many miles... The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly!
Legolas (stands): Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!
Gimli: (leaps to feet, staggers, falls on his ass again, and a voice from behind the pillar can be heard) And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?!
Boromir (rises): And if we fail, what then?! What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?
Council attendee: *Gasp* The hedge clippers? No! (He is steadfastly ignored by all and sundry)
Gimli: I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!
Elven attendee: That's the general idea, shortarse!
Gimli: Why you arrogant fool!
Elven attendee: You say arrogant as if it is a bad thing... [turns to the camera, flashes a smile which, against all the laws of dentistry, manages to actually gleam and make a noise which can best be described as 'ting'. The other Elven members, amidst much 'yo!'ing and high-fiving do a small victory dance, much loin-thrusting and making of the noise 'Ooooh!' ensues.]
Commotion starts as arguments erupt among the council members
Gimli: Never trust an elf!
Gandalf: Do you not understand that while we bicker amongst ourselves, Sauron's power grows? None can escape it!
One of the Elves trips and falls, over what appears to be nothing - however, the Dwarf behind him is whistling and smirking a little TOO nonchalantly...
Frodo remains seated, watching the Ring uneasily, the angry figures of the council reflected on its surface. Suddenly, flames flare up, engulfing the surface of the Ring
Ring: Ash Nazg Durbatuluk! Ash Nazg Gimbatul! Ash Nazg Gimbatul! Ash Nazg Gimbatul! (I want nibbles! I want nibbles! I want nibbles! )
The intensity of the arguments increase. Slowly, determination dawns on Frodo's face. He stands and takes a few steps toward the arguing council, trying to make his voice heard above the din
Frodo: I will take it! I will take it!
The argument dies down. Gandalf closes his eyes as he hears Frodo's statement. The members of the council slowly turn towards Frodo, astonished
Frodo: I will take the Ring to Mordor. Though-- I do not know the way.
Attendee: Well, lemme see, how many other absolutely humongous fire-belching mountains are there on the skyline? I know, let's count!
Uhhhhhh..... one! Just the one! Oh, and looky here! It's in Mordor, too...could it be Mount Doom? You know, I just think that it might be! Don't know the way my arse.
Gandalf: walks towards FrodoI will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, so long as it is yours to bear. places his hands reassuringly on Frodo's shoulders
Aragorn (rises): If by my life or death, I can protect you, I will. Approaches Frodo and keels before him You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow. Walks to join them
Gimli: And my axe! Looks grimly at Legolas as he joins the group
Attendee: And my Hedge trimmers!
Ring: And my nibbles you git! Ash nazg thingummy!
Boromir: walks over to them You carry the fates of us all little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done.
Sam: Heh! Jumps from behind the bushes and joins them Mr. Frodo is not goin' anywhere without me!
Elrond: amused No indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not, you little git. Sod off.
Pippin and Merry: emerge from behind the pillars to join them Wait! We are coming too!
Elrond: Fer cryin out loud! I dunno, you don't see one of you little gobshites for 60 odd years, then all of you buggers turn up at once! I swear that the next one of you little scrotes that turn up unannounced is in for a dandruff salad, and this is a few thousand year old forehead you're looking at, m'laddo! Um.
Merry: You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!
Elrond: Don't think I haven't considered it, bollock-chops...via a waterway, too.
Pippin: Anyway you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission, quest... thing.
Merry: Well that rules you out Pip.
Elrond: Nine companions... So be it! You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring! It sounds good, rolls off the tongue, and will make an excellent book title.
Pippin: Great! Where are we going?