Scene: We see the fellowship travelling across the lands of middle earth, and walking into the wind so that their hair flutters around them in an all-round sexy way… until Gimli comes that is

Narrator: We meet the hobbits and their companions upon their journey…

Pippin: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.

Boromir: What do you mean?

Merry: We've done fruit the 2 weeks.

Boromir: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

Pippin: Can't we do something else for a change?

Sam: Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

Boromir: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something, shorty. When you're walking along tonight and some crazed orc comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...

Accidentally slices Pippin with the stem of a passion fruit, to which Pippin is angered and kicks Boromir in the shins… Merry attacks as well, and the three "playfully" fall to the ground. Frodo and Sam giggle slightly, while Legolas stands upon a rock and squints into the distance. Gimli meanwhile is talking to Gandalf.

Gimli: If it were up to me Gandalf my old chum, I'd say we were taking the long way round, and my footsies hurt so badly they do when we walk for so long. Why not pass through the realm of Moria? My cousin Balin, would give us a royal welcome, red carpet an all!

Gandalf: No Gimli, I would not pass through Moria for anything.

Strider looks over at Legolas, who is still gazing at the distant sky.

Aragorn: What is it Leggy? [To the others] Eyes of a hawk this one.

Legolas: [Looks for a little while longer, before turning.] Crebain, from Dunland.

Gandalf looks confused.

Gandalf: Crebain? What the smeg?

Aragorn: Oh you know Gandalf chum, Crebain, like Crabmeat only sweeter, and so much better with that sweet and sour sauce…

Legolas: No you arch-idiot! Crebain… from… from Dunland.

Gimli: Oh! I see! [To Gandalf and Aragorn] That's a dwarf speciality, as provided by our female companion Dis. Lovely woman… very reasonable prices…

Legolas sighs and runs to the hobbits and Boromir, and whispers in Boromirs ear. The Crebain are now very close.

Boromir: Crebain? Crebain?

Merry: [Shocked] NO! Not.. Chris Tarrant?

Merry starts to run around screaming, until he's stopped dead in his tracks by Leggy's arm.

Legolas: [Sighs] CROWS OKAY? CROWS CROWS FRICKIN' CROWS!!!!!

Gandalf: Quickly!

Promptly do the companions clear away the mess they had made and hide beneath the rocks. The birds flash by in a cloud of black.

The camera shot moves to Legolas' scowling face as the others watch the crows fly overhead.

Legolas: Commoners…

Narrator: And so, hide they did, silly buggers… under stones of all things! The crows passed overhead, and they came out of their hiding, realising that they should take the pass of Caradhras.

Gandalf: Spies of Saruman! The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras.

Narrator: Hey! Grey chops! You deaf sonny? That's what I just said! Now if you're not going to pay attention to your very own narrator? Ooh looky the hobbit's going to fall over!

The Fellowship climbs the snowy slopes of Caradhras. Frodo looses his footing and falls, rolling down the slope towards Aragorn, who looks down at him with a slight sparkle in his eyes

Aragorn: [Thoughtful voiceover] Mmm, hobbit fancies…

Frodo: Oof!

Aragorn: Frodo! Helps him to his feet. Frodo searches himself for the Ring. Trouser pocket, breast pocket, Mithril ring holder produced by Moria Inc…. Finding it is missing, he looks back up the slope. Boromir sees the Ring on the snow and picks it up by its chain

Aragorn: Boromir.

Boromir (looking at ring): It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing… such a little thing.

Frodo: I've told you before, it's NOT small, it's just that it may LOOK small compared to yours, I'm only short you know. And anyway, it's not the size it's what you do with it that...

Boromir: clears throat I'm talking about the Ring, Frodo. Starts to fondle the Hobbits ring

Ring: Ooh lemme go you ugly git! Got snow all over me already, last thing I need is your filthy paws marring my lovely chain!

Aragorn: Boromir! Give the Ring to Frodo.

Ring: [Childishly] Yes, Boromir, give the ring to Froo-do! Frodo, dodo, Frodo...

Boromir: hands it to Frodo As you wish. I care not.

Ring: Liar.

Frodo grabs the Ring from him. Boromir jokingly tousles Frodo's hair then turns to resume climbing

Ring: PAH! As if stealin' me weren't enuff, now you've gone and messed his hair up! Gonna take hours more of the make-up department's much-wasted time, that!

Legolas: [To ring] No, for they use Loth-L'oriel. *Flicks hair in advert fashion* because you're worth it!

Aragorn: Leggy! How many adverts ARE you getting paid for???

Legolas shuts up promptly

Frodo looks on suspiciously. Aragorn releases his grip from his sword and his bowels

The ring is put back in Frodo's pocket

Ring: Aaw! Come on! I was only 'avin a bit of fun, like! Lemme back out! I swear I won't run off again! I just wanted to see a bit of the world, you know, build some memories like! And I gets COVERED in lint in ere!!!

Scene goes to Crebain returning to Isengard - beneath Orthanc

Saruman: So, Gandalf, you try to lead them over Caradhras. And if that fails, where then will you go? The number 14 bus route? If the mountain defeats you will you risk a more dangerous ro-

Saruman is stopped by a massive beam of wood swinging towards his head… he ducks just as it flies over him

Saruman: ACK! Watch how you're swinging those things! You almost lopped me head off! Turns to nearest Orc This place proper gets up my nose, you know. What's a man with the suffix to his name 'The White' supposed to do? I USED to be Saruman the Burberry, but after being covered in so much crebain-poo, it was easier to just dress in white, cos that's what colour crow-crud is. Then I have to stand next to you gits, all slimy and grim, and my 'white' robes get dirty. Would you care to hazard a guess as to exactly how thick my robes are? Two feet thick. I'd love to change them but I can't actually get it off anymore, and it's all YOUR fault! AND after you lot get me dirty I have to stand under crows - not a pleasant experience, let me tell you! Saves on buying dye for streaking my hair though...and ANOTHER thing.... Saruman launches into a tirade

1st crow: He's off again.

2nd crow: Yup.

1st crow: Shall we go take a dump on him?

2nd crow: Right you are, sir...

Off they swoop, in amongst the fires, pits and mines of Orthanc, the shrill cries of other crows ringing in their ears, the harsh calls of the labouring Orcs floating up on the fetid air...and then the soft, subtle sound of a crebain preparing to enrich the loam...or in this case, Saruman...