Scene - The Pass of Caradhras
Fellowship with the exception of Legolas plods through the snow. Legolas walks on top, keeping watch. We see he is wearing a t-shirt under his tunic with the slogan 'Lembas is A-Okay!' Printed on it in capital black letters. The fellowship has thus far ignored the t-shirt, seeing as they realise that leggy is being paid big bucks to advertise the Lembas wafers
Voice of Saruman is heard
Voice of Saruman: Cuiva nwalca Carnirassë nai yarvaxëa rasselya! (For Gawd's sake let's make this film a little more exciting! Bring on the snow!)
Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air.
Aragorn: Fell voice? Fell voice? How can a voice fell... er that is fall?
Pippin: Oh come on strider that's easy! [Lowers his voice, and sounds surprisingly like Pavarotti, who is so large that he exists in all dimensions, fictional or otherwise, at the same time. So no being pedantic.] My voice has fallen. [His voice returns to normal] See?
Merry: [Nodding] Yeah, and if you want your voice to go higher you just suck on a helium balloon.
Pippin: What's Helium?
Merry: Um...It's what priests and clerics do, I think. As to why it makes your voice squeaky and it fit's in a balloon, it's anyone's guess...
Aragorn ignores them as he trudges on through the snow, behind Gandalf, who suddenly recognises the voice.
Gandalf: Its Saruman! We used to call him 'Ol' fell voice' back at wizard school!
First avalanche falls. It misses the Fellowship by a hair's length – about the length of Legolas's hair ON HIS HEAD, LADIES, SETTLE DOWN – meaning they weren't in that much danger really
Aragorn: He's trying to bring down the mountain! Gandalf, we must turn back!
Gandalf: No! Gandalf rises on the snow, chants out counter spell
Gandalf: Losto Caradhras, sedho, hodo, nuitho i 'ruith! (Sleep Caradhras, be still, lie still, hold your wrath! Don't listen to that ugly Saruman dude… my beard is more neatly curled)
Saruman (atop Orthanc): Cuiva nwalca Carnirasse; Nai yarvaxea rasselya; taltuva notto-carinnar! (Oh for gawd's sake… it isn't curled by anyone! You just leave it to grow and grow! Where's the barber when you need him? Go on Caradhras! Kill him! He's not worth looking at, and grey is SO last season!)
Lightning strikes the tip of Caradhras sending a second avalanche onto the Fellowship below. Legolas snatches Gandalf from the edge, pulling him against the cliff just before the snow buries them completely. After a moment, they emerge from the snow
Merry: [Spluttering] Oh way to go Gandalf chum! Great stuff, truly terrifying, really! The way you stopped him dropping snow on us was fantastic! Everybody now - three cheers for Gandalf the show stopping snow-stopper!
Narrator: At this point, Gandalf threatens to stick his long, wooden, and above all extremely un-smooth staff up an area of Merry where the sun shineth not, but this is a family script (albeit a family like the Simpsons or the Osbournes) so we won't. See? We have your best interests at heart
Anyway, to cut a long, pointless ramble short, which I suppose I shouldn't do as it's what I get paid for, don't you know, but still... ANYWAY, Merry shut up PDQ. See, if I had just said that, where would the flair be, eh? Alright. Shutting up now. Honest.
Boromir: We must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan and take the west road to my city!
Aragorn: The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!
Ring: [Whispers] Coward
Aragorn: Shut up! Anyway, I wanted to visit Burger almost-king-once-the-sword-is-reforged-and-I-come-into-my-destiny-at-a-suitably-climatic-part-of-the-film, I'm hungry!
Gimli: If we cannot pass over a mountain, let us go under it. Let us go through the mines of Moria.
Gandalf: You ARE stubborn little bugger aren't you? It's only 'cos you want to meet up with this Dis of yours! I know you haven't had any in years you silly little git! What IS under a Dwarves chain mail, anyway? How do you tell your lads and ladies apart, eh? You ALL have beards. Shudders
Gimli: Well, now it's an interesting story, don't'cha'know. We don't think about you know... jiggly stuff, when we feel the need, the need to breed, we announce it by leaving a nugget of gold outside our door... well, us menfolk do, that is. And any female of our beautiful species can wander along, and it's kinda pot luck for them, see - if they take the gold and enter the house... well, I bet you can guess what goes on next!
Gandalf: That's kind of sweet, actually. So THAT'S how little Dwarves are made!
Gimli: No no no, you misunderstand me - that's how we get them to do the cleaning! What you are thinking used to be true, granted, but with the Dwarven males love of gold, it could lead to some VERY embarrassing confrontations, let me tell you!
Scene flashes to Saruman in his chamber in Orthanc, reading a page in a book of lore
Saruman: Moria. You fear to go into those mines. The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. The spades and picks suffered terribly from their insatiable thirst for wealth. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-dum: Shadow and Flame!
Yet another swinging beam swings over Saruman's head… he ignores it, and stands, the beam swings back. Saruman does not wake for some time
Scene returns to Caradhras
Gandalf: grimly Let the Ring bearer decide, thereby absolving me of any blame for my impending demise, leaving me free to blame the short, fat fellow over there. HOWEVER, I can then, after my subsequent rebirth in a more powerful and cleaner incarnation, I can say it was by my own will guided, so to speak, making me look even MORE wise than I obviously already am. Hah! No flies on THIS wielder of the secret something or other!
Looks around at everyone's expression I said that all out loud, didn't I? Bugger. Anyway, ignore what I just said. What do you reckon, Frodo?
Ring: Typical… never make any decisions yerself do you? Leave it all to everyone else to figure out what to do!
Frodo (glances at Sam, who nods with a wink): Although Aragorn's Burger related shenanigans sounded like fun, we will go through the mines.
Sam: [Thoughtful voiceover] Ooh, dark mines, perfect place for what I've got planned...
Gandalf: So be it.
Sam: [Thoughtful voiceover] YAY!!!!! If it were possible to rub your hands together in your mind, he's doing it...