Scene: The Fellowship arrives at the West Gate of Moria
Gimli: in awe The walls of Moria!
Fellowship walks by the side of the lake. Frodo's foot slips into the water. Frodo gasps
Gandalf makes out an outline of the doors
Gandalf: Now, let's see. Ithildin -- it mirrors only starlight and moonlight. Moon appears. Doors illuminate Now how's THAT for timing, young Hobbit-me-lad. I'm cool, me.
Gandalf: It reads "The doors of Durin - Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter. No canvassing."
Merry: What do you suppose that means?
Gandalf: Oh it's quite simple. If you are a friend you speak the password and the doors will open. And they don't have much need for double-glazing.
Gandalf: Annon Edhellen edro hi ammen! (Gate of the Elves open now for me!)
Doors remain closed. Gandalf begins to push it with his staff
Gimli: I can go get the JCB, if you like?
Rest of the group: NO!
Time passes. The rest of the Fellowship are seated around the doors or near the lake, still waiting for Gandalf to open it
Gandalf: Ando Eldarinwa a lasta quettanya, Fenda Casarinwa! (Gate of Elves listen to my word, Threshold of Dwarves!)
Eldarinwa, openus tootsweet chopchop cobblersoff! (Elven door, open right now or I'll rip your knob off! (Doorknob, that is.))
Aragorn: unhitches Bill's bridle The mines are no place for a pony, even one so brave as Bill.
Sam: sadly Buh-bye Bill
Bill: Hold on a minute...don't I get a say in this? I mean, I come all this way, through LOADS of danger and stuff, and hardly with a mention in the script so far I might add, and as soon as we get a chance to go indoors, it's all like 'Bugger off, Bill'. Well I ain't standing for it, I tells ya. Stamps all four feet at once, an impressive trick The National Union of Working Asses will hear of this!
Aragorn: Go on, Bill, go on. Don't worry Sam, he knows the way home.
Merry begins to throw stones into the water. Pippin follows suit but Aragorn stops him
Aragorn: Do not disturb the water.
Merry: Why? Why, you spoilsport?
Aragorn: Because.
Merry: Git.
Gandalf (exasperated): Oh, it's useless! Gandalf sits. Frodo stands and looks at the writings intently
Frodo: It's a riddle. Speak "friend" and enter. What's the Elvish word for friend?
Gandalf: Mellon the Hobbits start to giggle childishly behind their hands, muttering words like 'melons' and 'boobies'. Gandalf gives them a look
The stone doors slowly swing open. The Fellowship enters Moria
Gimli: Soon master elf you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves. Roaring fires, malt beer, vodka, whiskey, rum, cider, amoretto, absinthe, bread, bacardi, a selection of cocktails, monkeys, peas, sloth, rum, more rum, spiced rum, mulled wine and ripe meat off the bone. Guaranteed. This, my friend, is the home of my cousin Balin and his wife, Bertha. And it looks like her housekeeping has become a little lax of late... And they call it a mine. A mine!
Gandalf: What's yours?
Gimli: No, it IS a mine. Well, no, what I mean to say is it is NOT really a mine, y'know?
Gandalf: Why is it not yours? Who am I? Are those MY feet?
Gimli: shouts It's a MINE! Get that beard out of your ears and the hat from in front of your eyes and listen it is a MINE, a SHAFT more hobbit giggling, a place for getting ORE 'Did he say 'ore' or 'whor..' Pippin begins, before a well placed Frodo elbow 'accidentally' catches him in the throat A MINE!!!
Boromir: This is no mine, it's a tomb! Dwarf corpses and empty Big Mac wrappers litter the floor
Gimli: Oh! No! Noooo!!!
Legolas picks up an arrow from the body of a fallen dwarf, examines it and casts it away in disgust
Legolas: Goblins! And if this Dwarf had had his LembasTM, then this would never have happened! Beams brilliantly into the camera
Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir draw out their swords
Boromir: We make for the Gap of Rohan. We should never have come here.
The four hobbits are backing toward the door. Something stirs in the water behind them. Bill can be seen, on the far side of the lake, openly laughing at the up and coming misfortune of our merry band of men. Dwarves. Elves. Hobbits. Sloths
Boromir: Now get out of here, get out!
The whole company starts for the door. Suddenly, Frodo is grabbed from behind and pulled off his feet by the Watcher in the water
Sam Merry and Pippin: Frodo!
Sam: Strider! Hacks at tentacle Get off him!
The watcher releases Frodo for a split-second, and feigns to disappear under the water. Suddenly one hundred hundred million (honest) tentacles come boiling out of the water and bitchslap the other hobbits aside and grab Frodo around the leg. He is pulled out over the water and into the air
Frodo: aah!
Merry: Aragorn!
Aragorn: ALWAYS with the 'Aragorn this', and 'Strider that' when there is trouble. Why not find someone else when in need do you? Why talking like Yoda am I? Mmmmm?
Legolas shoots one of the tentacles holding Frodo. Boromir and Aragorn rush to the water with their swords, and attack the Watcher. It flings Frodo wildly in the air. Boromir slices the main tentacle holding Frodo's leg. Frodo falls, and Boromir catches him. Aragorn and Boromir retreat towards the shore
Gandalf: Into the Mines!
Boromir: Legolas! Aim for his eye! Come on!
Legolas shoots an arrow straight into the Watcher's eye. It pulls back and as the Fellowship race into Moria, it reaches out and slams the gates shut, muttering that it had been promised a far longer exposure in the film. Murmurings of agreement are heard from Bill, still watching and laughing. Slabs of rocks drop down and the roof of the passageway collapses. Total darkness falls. Then a beam of light emits from Gandalf's staff, showing the startled faces of the Fellowship
Gandalf: We now have but one choice. We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world. Gimli's mum, for example.
The Fellowship carefully picks its way over the floor and up the broad steps
Gandalf: Quietly now. It's a four-day journey to the other side. Let us hope that our presence may go unnoticed. We'll be ok if Gimli isn't wearing his standard Dwarven issue boots of steel...
Gimli: Why you picking on me, eh? I mean it's not like all my friends are probably dead, or anything... Gandalf blows a slobbery raspberry
The Fellowship enters a great cavern with a serpentine walkway down through the middle. They then climb up steep steps on the side of a cavern with its many buildings and stalagmites above them. Pippin looses his footing and slips onto Merry
Merry: Pippin!