Scene: The Fellowship climbs another flight of stairs to a crossroads in the mine: three portals loom before them
Gandalf: I have no memory of this place
Gimli: Now THERE'S a surprise. Gandalf forgetting something? Surely not!
The Fellowship rests while Gandalf sits before the portals and tries to decide their course
Pippin: Are we lost?
Merry: No.
Pippin: I think we are.
Sam: Shhh! Gandalf's thinking.
Gimli: Pah!
Pippin: Merry?
Merry: What?
Pippin: I'm hungry.
Gimli: Hah!
Frodo looks down into the cavern and sees a small figure leaping from stone to stone. Startled, he approaches Gandalf
Frodo: There's something down there.
Gandalf: It's lots of stone.
Frodo: No, something moving down there...
Gandalf: Small stones, no doubt disturbed by our passage.
Frodo: No, it looks almost hobbitlike...
Gandalf: Small, hobbit shaped stones, you know. Stranger things happen at sea.
Frodo: NO, it looks like, and I want to make this QUITE clear, a small, misshapen hobbit, all twisted and bitter, almost like someone who had the ring in his keeping for aeons, with large, luminous, saucer-like eyes and a hissing, rasping voice. Possibly enjoys riddles...other interests drinking, socialising and strangulation.
Gandalf: Oh! It sounds like Gollum...
Frodo: Gollum? Who's that, then?
Gandalf: He's been following us for three days.
Frodo: He escaped the dungeons of Bird-Dog!
Gandalf: Escaped? Or set loose? Or set loose, and THEN escaped? Or perhaps he KNEW they were letting him loose, at which point he escaped, but they KNEW he would do that, so in effect he was set loose? Or it might just be the milkman. Possibly.
Aragorn: I do not doubt that he was allowed to leave Mordor on some evil errand, and one far more sinister than milk-delivery. Reacts Bird-Dog??? Surely you mean Barad-Dur?
From the distance below, Gollum looks up, his large eyes pierces the darkness and observes the company
Gandalf: He hates and loves the Ring, as he hates and loves himself. He will never be rid of his need for it. Kind of like extremely strong coffee. Or pipe-weed. Yeeeeerrrrrrsss....pipe-weed. Heh.
Frodo: It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance!
Gandalf: Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand, plus the fact that he is a mortal coward and a crap shot. Many that live deserve life, and some that die deserve death. Pauses I made a proper balls-up of that, didn't I? Live...life...die...death, that's the floppy-eared fluffy-tailed sex-mad-mammal. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Not rabbits, I mean, life. Can you? Eh? Eh? Eh?
Frodo looks at Gandalf out of the corner of his eye, mouthing the words 'TOO much pipe-weed' over his shoulder
Gandalf: Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill, before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many - yours not the least.
Gollum slinks off. Frodo sits down next to Gandalf
Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. I wish, I wish...I wish I had a fish.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times of no piscine cookery, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, in which case you also were meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought, although I have no idea why. I'm sure there are less hungry and far more intelligent people it could have gone to...but there you go. It came to you, and you are stuck with it. Deal with it.
Gandalf (looks toward one of the doorways): Ah! It's that way.
Merry: He's remembered!
Gandalf: No, but the air doesn't smell so foul down here. If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose, and I, with the exception of Master Gimli, have the largest hooter of them all.
The Fellowship heads down the left-hand passage, and before long they come to a more open space
Gandalf: Let me risk a little more light.
His staff illuminates a grandiose hall of stone lined with tall pillars and arched ceilings as far as the eye can see. Members of the Fellowship, including Gimli, react in awe
Gandalf: Behold... the great realm and dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf.
Sam: Now there's an eye opener and no mistake.
Fellowship walks forward through the hall
Legolas is singing to himself: 'The wonderful thing about Lembas, is Lembas a wonderful thing, it's loaded with vitamins and minerals, it's great on top of a spring, it's crunchy munchy for-your-lunchy fun fun fun fun fun, but the most wonderful thing about Lembas iiiiissssss....um' A little lost there. How about a variation of the Dwarven 'Gold' song, Gimli? Begins to sing Lembas, Lembas, Lembas, Lembas...'
His voice dwindles to echoes in the cavernous... caverns. Gimli sees a ray of sunlight shining through the Chamber of Mazarbul. Corpses lay scattered about
Gimli: Haugh!
Gandalf: Haugh? What? Oh! Gimli!
Gimli pays no heed to Gandalf, but runs into the chamber. He stops and kneels by a tomb
Gimli: No! No! sob No! sob
Boromir moves forward and places his hand on Gimli's shoulder
Gandalf: translates the runes on the tomb"Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria." He is dead then. Its as I feared.
Gimli (wails): Kilmin malur ni zaram kalil ra narag. Kheled-zâram ... Balin tazlifi. (Now I shall never get that money he promised to give me for my birthday!!!)
Gandalf gives his staff and hat to Pippin, who immediately puts the hat on, and pretends to be the great Archmage, Soprendo, and soon, the sounds of his imaginary fireballs and hideous demons summoned from the nether-realm fill the air. Everyone rather pointedly ignores him. Gandalf bends down, and takes from the grasp of a corpse a large and battered book. He opens it and clears the dirt from its pages, to reveal the legend: Moria - it is a very smelly place or The secret diary of Doc, Bashful, Sneezy, Dopey - the Dwarves that made it BIGTIME.
Legolas: to Aragorn We must move on, we cannot linger!
Gandalf: reading "They have taken the bridge, and the second hall. We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums, drums in the deep. That would be Oggy the drummer, who practises all night long. Turns the page We cannot get out. A Shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out. I said that already, didn't I? Still haven' bent Dis to my will this month – she is a frigid old hag anyway. They are coming. Oggy still noisy."
Pippin sees a corpse sitting by a stone well with an arrow in its chest. Curiously, he reaches out and lightly touches the arrow. The arrowhead breaks off from the rest of the corpse, causing first the skull, then the body, then the chain and bucket to go over the side of the well and drop far below, its noise echoes from hall to hall. He winces at each new wave of noise. Then silence. The Fellowship begins to relax, except for Pippin, who has clearly soiled himself. On the floor at his feet is a puddle of embarrassment
Gandalf: slams the book shut Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!
Just then, drums echo up from deep below. Terror creeps into their faces
Sam: Frodo! Sting glows blue
Legolas: Eat LEMBAS! Oh yeah, and there are some Orcs nearby, or some such. Let us hold them at bay with the wafer that keeps on giving! Or our swords.
