Sam: Frodo!
Sting glows blue. Fans of his pop records are mystified. As is Sting himself
Aragorn: Cats!
Gandalf: What?
Aragorn: Hate 'em. Hate 'em!
Everyone gives the ranger sidelong glances, and the odd shrug, before Legolas comes to his senses
Legolas: Orcs!
Boromir goes to the door to have a look. Arrows are shot and hit the door near his face
Boromir: I think... I think it might be double-glazing salesmen! FLEE!
Legolas: No, it is Orcs. Divot.
Aragorn: to the Hobbits Get back! Stay close to Gandalf!
Gandalf: Hold on! Why me? If anyone goes for them, they'll be right near me! Eeeeee! Get away, short arses! I am but an old man, my beard is bent, and my knees are knackered. Eeeeee!
Aragorn, dropping his torch, runs to Boromir and closes the doors. A troll can be heard just outside
Boromir (exasperated): They have a cave troll... are you SURE it isn't salesmen? This is just the kind of tactic they would use...
Legolas tosses axes to Boromir and Aragorn to help blockade the door. The Fellowship draw out their weapons. Gimli leaps atop Balin's tomb and brandishes his axe
Gimli: Aarrgghhh!!! Let them come! There is one dwarf yet in Moria that still draws breath!
Gandalf: Let's keep it that way then, shall we? Less chopsing, more chopping, as I've always said!
Aragorn: No you haven't.
Gandalf: Haven't what?
Aragorn: Said what you just said!
Gandalf: Which was...?
Aragorn: I can't remember, YOU just said it!
Gandalf: Would it be...Less chopsing, more chopping?
Aragorn: That's the one!
Gandalf: See, I do say it lots. See!
Aragorn: I hate you.
Orcs begin breaking the door down. Legolas and Aragorn shoot at them through the holes in the door. The orcs break through and the battle begins. The Fellowship engage the orcs, and many swashes are indeed buckled
**Cue expensive and well choreographed fight scene***
A cave troll smashes through the doorway. Legolas shoots him; he growls. You would, too! These aren't those silly plastic arrows with suckers on the end let me tell you. These babies are sharp. Sam looks up, sees the troll swinging his mace down at him, and runs under the troll's legs, pausing only briefly to see what troll goolies look like. The troll swings twice at Gimli, but hits first the tomb, then an Orc instead. The battle rages on
Sam: hits orcs with skillet I think I'm getting the hang of this.
Legolas kills orcs on a ledge on one wall. The troll swings his chain at Legolas, who avoids it until the troll wraps it around a pillar. Legolas stamps the chain tight and then runs along it onto the troll's head. He shoots the troll and then jumps off, but not before flashing his pearly whites for the camera, and mouthing the words 'Lembas - the choice of a new generation'.
The troll continues to seek Frodo who tries to evade its searches by hiding around the pillar. The troll finds him easily, due to his belly poking out the other side of the pillar, and grabs him. Frodo falls on his back into a corner. The troll lifts and drags Frodo off the edge
Frodo: Aragorn? Aragorn! Frodo stabs the troll's hand with Sting. The troll drops Frodo to the ground
Aragorn: Frodo! Yaaahh! THERE'S one in your eye, well, your hand, Troll boy!
Aragorn grabs a spear from the floor and stabs the troll with it. The troll, infuriated, hits Aragorn and sends him flying across the room. He collapses onto the floor. Frodo races after him and tries to arouse him, but that is a different story altogether. Aragorn is too stunned to move
Frodo begins to run but the troll blocks Frodo's path with its spear, throwing him back. The troll takes aim and stabs Frodo on the chest
Frodo: Ungh!
Audience: Yes! Got rid of the whining, falling over one at last!
Sam: Frodo? Frodo!
Slow motion: Frodo moans slumps to the floor
Merry and Pippin: Yaahh! They leap onto the troll's head and start stabbing him. The troll flails at its head, finally grabs Merry, swings him around and throws him to the ground.
The Fellowship redoubles its efforts against Orcs and troll. Gandalf and Gimli take turns stabbing at the troll and dodging out of range. Legolas takes aim. With Pippin stabbing the troll one more time on the head, the troll opens its mouth. Legolas delivers an arrow into its soft palate
Troll: Bugger. The troll moans then collapses to the ground. Pippin is thrown against the floor and is knocked out. There is a moment of silence. All Orcs are dead or have fled
Aragorn: Oh no! He runs towards Frodo and turns him over. Frodo groans
Sam: He's alive!
Audience: DAGNABBIT!
Frodo: I'm all right; I'm not hurt. I had my slow motion moment, and I'm pleased.
Aragorn: You should be dead! That spear would have skewered a wild boar, or even a rabid pigeon! Possibly even a log, but not a really thick one, mind, about the girth of my waist would be a good approximation. I wish it would have speared a cat, though... damn them, damn them all! Evil, EVIL felines! Arrrrghhhh! Oh, and 277 sheets of paper at a distance of 60 feet. Trickier than it sounds, you know.
Gandalf: I think there's more to this hobbit than meets the eye. Frodo reveals his Mithril shirt
Pippin: Frodo! How long have you been wearing shiny ladies nighties? Well, by that I don't mean shiny LADIES, although that would be funny. Could we possibly polish some ladies, and see what happens? Guys? Guys? Needless to say, he is ignored, viciously so
Gimli: Mithril! You are full of surprises Master Baggins.
Orcs are once again heard down the hall
Gandalf: To the bridge of Khazad-Dum! The Fellowship runs out the rear door of the chamber, closely pursued by an army of orcs. Other orcs spring out from the floor or crawl from the ceiling and down the pillars like spiders. They surround the Fellowship, who have drawn their weapons outward. Just then a fiery light appears at the end of a hall followed by a thunderous growl. The orcs, dismayed, flee panicking in all directions
Boromir: What is this new devilry? I've always wanted to say that.
Gandalf: I... I cannot say. It has become far more terrible than I anticipated... This foe is beyond any of you. Run!
The Fellowship enters a passageway, then down a flight of steps. Parts of the steps end into a chasm and Boromir nearly falls into one. Legolas pulls him back. The Hobbits too stop short of falling in. They take another flight of stairs down. Aragorn and Gandalf bring up the rear. Legolas sneaks behind Gimli, pretends to push him in, quips 'Saved your life!', and hides behind Aragorn. Gimli froths at the brain
Aragorn: Gandalf...
Gandalf: Lead them on Aragorn. The bridge is near. Aragorn resists Do as I say! Swords are no more use here. Do you have a rocket launcher? No? I didn't think so. I'm the boss. Me. I wear the pointy hat in this here fellowship.... now RUN LIKE MONKEYS!
Aragorn: But Gandalf... what if there are... cats?
Gandalf: Now is not the time, Aragorn. Fly!
Gimli: Fly? Eh?
The Fellowship encounter a gap on the stairs. Legolas leaps forward and lands on the other side
Legolas (beckons): Gandalf. Gandalf leaps after him
Arrows whistles into the air, striking the stone steps at their feet. Little do the fellowship know that these were indeed the famous 'Whistly whistler's whistling arrow band' on tour in Moria, but there you go. Things like this always happen. Legolas and Aragorn shoot back
Boromir: Merry! Pippin! Hoo-aah! He takes Merry and Pippin, one on each side, and leaps forward
Aragorn: Sam. He pitches Sam to the other side and is caught by Boromir
Aragorn reaches to pick up Gimli
Gimli: Holds up his hand. Nobody tosses a dwarf.
Aragorn: *snigger*
He leaps forward but nearly falls back into the chasm. Legolas grabs his beard
Gimli: Not the beard!
Legolas: Would you prefer I grabbed you by the goolies?
Gimli: (blushing) We-eell... now you come to mention it....
Some of the stone steps crumble and fall into the abyss. Aragorn pushes Frodo back up the steps and clambers after him. They struggle to their feet and look at the widened gap that separates them from the rest of the fellowship
The unseen foe is heard approaching from the other hall, its the fiery light is seen getting closer, and a sound like a celebrity elephant rings it's clarion call into the air. Lost? You'll see in a minute, it'll all make sense, honest! Well, it will if you know who the demon is. Bear with me on this one. Stone structures around the mine collapse as it draws near. A huge rock falls from the ceiling and smashes down the steps behind Aragorn and Frodo, creating another gap behind them and weakening the stairs' foundation. The stairs begin to wobble
Aragorn: Stay there. Hold on. Hang on! Lean forward!
Frodo: Sheesh! Which of them should I do? Give me a break!
Aragorn: Don't think I haven't been tempted... neck would be favourite right now...
Legolas: Come on! They shift their weight forward, tipping the stairs across the divide and slamming onto the steps where their companions are. They leap across to safety. Turning, they continue to run down the stairs as the stone structures collapse behind them
Gandalf: Over the bridge! Fly!
Gimli: Er...dunno how to break this to you, Gandalf old boy, but we have LEGS. Flying isn't an option. If it was, we'd have been over the mountains, toot sweet. Nice thought though, thanks for trying. S'obvious why you're the boss, and all that.
The Fellowship crosses the bridge. Gandalf turns to face the new foe. The enemy, masked in great plumes of fire and smoke, can be heard growling
Gandalf: You cannot pass! The demon steps forward from his shadowy haven, and towering over Gandalf, reveals himself to be none other than Chris Tarrant
(See? I told you it would all start to make sense. Sort of. If you are not sure who Chris Tarrant is...this bit won't be quite as funny for you, but rest assured, it IS funny – vigorously so…)
Chris Tarrant: Pass? Pass? Who's the one asking the questions here, greybeard? Why don't you ask the audience?
Gandalf: What?
Frodo: Gandalf! You have to answer his questions! If you answer them all correctly, he will let you pass!
Gandalf: But I don't WANT to pass him, you woolly-headed ninny! I'm trying to stop HIM from passing! A blazing white light radiates from Gandalf's staff, illuminating the entire bridge
Tarrant: Whosoever would cross the bridge of Khazad-Dum will answer me these questions three...
Frodo: Gandalf! If you answer his questions, he might go away! It's the only way!
Tarrant: You had the fastest finger, or so I have been told...step right up and introduce yourself!
The orcs break into spontaneous cheers and hoots. The fellowship, mystified, join in. Because they can, alright? Who's telling this story, you or me? Right. Good. Anyway.
Gandalf: I am the servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor, holder of an OAP bus pass and nominee for 'wizard most likely to turn his own foot into a newt' award this year... The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun! I am Gandalf! Hear me gurgle!
Tarrant snarls, and advances menacingly on the small figure holding the bridge
Tarrant: flailing his microphone cord of fire Are you prepared to answer the questions?
Gandalf: Uh... yes Chris.
Tarrant: Let's play... here is your first question. Don't forget, you have three lifelines: ask the fellowship, 50 / 50 and run like monkeys.
A tense humming sound can be heard, almost like music, only not quite Here we go. What... is your favourite colour?
In the air above Gandalf head, shimmering brightly coloured answers can be seen... in a multiple choice style. The answers this time are A) Blue B) Grey C) Purple and D)Basketball. Gandalf looks over his head, ponders for a second, before confidently answering
Gandalf: Grey!
The orcs around the firey pit begin to applaud, politely
Tarrant: Well done! Here comes the next one... what... is your name?
Again, the letters form in the air above the demonic quizmasters head, this time bearing the words A) Gandalf B) Boromir C) Aragorn-son-of-Arathorn-son-of-Kevin-son-of-some-bloke-who-ran-a- damn-fine-restaurant-over-the-road-from-Dale, and D)Bob.
Gandalf: Do we have to go through this? Really? I mean, in the long run, is it even going to be funny? And I told you my name earlier, anyway, so what are you playing at? I distinctly remember saying to you, 'I am Gandalf, hear me gurgle.' Which part of this don't you....
Tarrant: (interrupts him, yelling) Correct! Only one more question to go...
More polite applause from the orcs, who then fall deathly silent. An orc on a ledge somewhere clears his throat, whilst another starts to play a low drum roll
Tarrant: Now, Mr the Grey, I COULD give you this cheque for an entire face-full of Mithril body piercing and accessories (courtesy of Moria Inc.), but... we don't wanna do that! Do you wanna do that? You don't wanna do that? Excellent! Right, here it is... the final question.
The tension in the cavern is non-existent
Tarrant: What... is the hairiest part of a hobbits body? Do you know the answer, smarty-robes? DO ya? DO you wanna pass? Eh?
Gandalf: I... SHALL NOT... PASS!
Tarrant: Steady on, old boy, I'm just pulling your chain. Anyway, here are your options...
Gandalf: (interrupting) RIGHT! I've about bloody had enough of this!
Leaps up high into the air, and at the apex of his jump, level with the Tarrant's head, the camera begins to revolve around him, displaying the entire cavern and it's occupants, in true Matrix style. Suddenly the camera speeds up again as Gandalf's foot and staff lash out rapidly, catching Tarrant under the chin, spinning him over and sending him somersaulting backwards, breaking his fall on the bridge, which, already weakened by Tarrant's massive ego, crumbles and collapses, taking Tarrant with it down into the fire, bellowing the words 'Final answer' over and over again. Note distinct lack of decent punctuation in the above sentence, but I think I pulled it off. Anyway! Gandalf drops to the floor in a crouch, one fist placed on the floor and his head down. Slowly, he raises his head, grins, and says, to the tumultuous cheers of the fellowship...
Gandalf: It's their feet. Everyone knows that...
The orcs start to wander away, muttering, when suddenly a booming voice from below can be heard
Tarrant: (voice becoming faint as he falls) I'm sorry, if you'd have said 'goolies', I wouldn't be doing this...
At the last minute, the flaming whip lashes up from the depths of the abyss and wounds about Gandalf's ankle, dragging him over the edge. He clings onto the bridge but is straining to keep his grip. Frodo rushes forward but Boromir restrains him
Boromir: No, Frodo!
Frodo: Gandaaaaalf!
Gandalf: Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? Ooooh bugger... (His hands scrabble for purchase on the crumbling stone) Fly you fools! And shut up before you start, Gimliiii... Gandalf loses his grip and falls into the chasm
Frodo: Noooooooooooooooo!!! Boromir grabs hold of Frodo and starts to leave
Boromir: Aragorn!
Frodo: Noooooooooooo!!!
Aragorn: Boromir!
Frodo: Noooooooooooooo!!!
Boromir: Phil Collins!
Frodo: Noooooooo- what? EH?
Boromir: Heh, just testin'....
Frodo: Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
Aragorn stares at the bridge in disbelief. For a moment he does not move, but then orc arrows start whistling by once again, shooting at the companions. Dodging, he turns and follows the others up the stairs, thoughts of a jaffa cake at the forefront of his mind. Strange but true!
The Fellowship comes streaming out of the East Gate of Moria. Everyone is distraught. Sam sits on the ground, bows his head onto his hands and begins to weep. Merry consoles Pippin, who lays crying. Boromir tries to restrain Gimli as the dwarf vents out his rage and sorrow. Legolas wears a look of shock and disbelief, even forgetting to mention Lembas as the camera zooms to his face
Aragorn wipes his sword clean, re-sheathes it and turns to the others
Aragorn: Legolas, get them up.
Legolas: Hold on... that is because... they are... wait, wait, it's on the tip of my tongue... they are... havo dadding! Result! My mind works SO much better after a wafer of Lembas or two, sold in multipacks for added value! Yes!
Boromir: Shut up, Legolas... give them a moment for pity's sake.
Aragorn: By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs, pigeons and assorted ne'er'do-wells! Maybe even... (Suppresses a shudder) cats!
Gimli: You really have issues Strider you know that?
Aragorn: Yes! We must reach the Woods of Lothlórien. Come Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, get them up.
Aragorn: He reaches down and lifts Sam up On your feet Sam. looks around Frodo? Frodo! Frodo, a few paces away, grieves alone. Weeping silently, he turns towards Aragorn. There is a haunted look in his eyes. He seems about to speak, but the grief of recent events seems to choke him. He blinks once, twice, to clear the tears, before finally managing to utter:
Frodo: Noooooooooooooooooo!!
Fellowship: Oh, do stop whining. Pansy
