Gimli: Stay close, young hobbits! A little closer... a leeeetle closer. That's the one. looks at Frodo Mmm, you smell very nice, master Baggins? They say there's a great sorceress lives in these woods, an elf-witch of terrible power. All who look upon her, fall under her spell...
Voice of Galadriel (whispering): Frodo... Higgledy Piggeledy Frodo, startled, looks around
Gimli: ... and are never seen again. If you hear the words Hocus pocus, flee!
Voice of Galadriel: ...Your coming to us is as the footsteps of doom. You bring great evil here Ring bearer! Get that frickin dwarf away from you! He blocks your limelight you know...doesn't block out much other light though, on account of him being so short he needs stilts to scratch his head. Oh how I laugh!
Sam: Mr. Frodo?
Gimli: Well, here is one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox! And the goolies of a woolly mammoth!
Legolas: pah!
With arrows notched, Lórien elves suddenly appear from behind the trees, aiming at them. The Fellowship stops and look around, alarmed
Gimli: Oh...
Haldir: The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark.
Gimli: In the dark ey? You wanna see me in the dark, Elf-boy! Hauls up his axe, then reacts at Haldir's inviting expression Oh? err?
Aragorn: Haldir o Lórien. Henion aníron, boe ammen i dulu lîn. Boe amen veriad lîn. (Haldir of Lórien, we come here for help, and if you've got any nibbles we'd be grateful too.)
Gimli: Aragorn, these woods are perilous! We should go back. Already I am pricked with thorns.
Haldir: You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back, take a look behind you!
Gimli turns around, and sees beyond the clustered gathering of Lórien elves a great and strong Iron gate, with a weeny ickly yale padlock
Haldir: Come, she is waiting.
Gimli: Won't. Shan't. You can't make me. I ain't going in no woods, foo'!
Aragorn: *sigh* We've been through all this before, short-arse. I don't like cats, but I'll still go in a building with them in. Confront your fears, dude. You CAN enter the forest. Come on.
Gimli: I pity the foo' that tries to get me in there! I ain't goin' in no damn woods!
Aragorn: *another heart-felt sigh* Ok... let's sit here and eat. Legolas, can you pass around the Lembas, and make sure you give some of the SPECIAL LEMBAS to Gimli.
Legolas: Special Lembas? What do you mean? Looks at Aragorn, sees him nodding and making frantic eye-movements in Gimli's direction. Legolas' penny STILL hasn't dropped. Aragorn thev over-exaggerates a mime of Gimli eating the Lembas and falling asleep. Chink! There goes the penny Oh, THAT Lembas! Oh yes, of course, what was I thinking, the lovely nicest sweetest Lembas for the dwarf, yes, that's right, the one that's dead tasty, no trace of sleeping herbs in it WHATSOEVER. Ohoho.
Aragorn: Ahaha.
Legolas: Ohoho. Right. Here you are, Gimli, some LOVELY NON-DROWSY Lembas for you. Yummy yummy, eat up. I'll have some Lembas too, oooh yummy, FROM A DIFFERENT PACK ALTOGETHER, yum yum nice nice eat it eatiteatiteatit. Over the top wink at the rest of the party from the pointy eared one.
The fellowship sits and eats their respective LembasTM wafers, finishing at roughly the same time. As Gimli crams the last into his mouth, Legolas leaps to his feet
Legolas: A-ha! Hope you're comfy, Dwarf boy! Get ready for some shut eye! Sleep time! Rest those weary, and exceptionally bushy brows! I... he collapses to the floor in a snoring heap.
Gimli: The divot. I KNEW you would do that, so I swapped the Lembas's's's's over when you weren't looking, so now I guess the jokes on YOU ahaha, I ain't goin' in no... He too falls to the ground in a snoring heap
Aragorn: What the? What's going on here?
Boromir: Oh, that's my doing. They were pissing me off, so I made sure that every parcel had some of the drugged lembas in, so that they would both fall asleep and be quiet! I'm right smart, me.
Aragorn: So there were drugged wafers in ALL of the packs? You... slump
Boromir: Oh, bollo... more slump
Haldir: Looks down at the recumbent forms of the fellowship And THESE are supposed to be saving us all? Ai ai ai... Let's pick em up, fellers...
The Fellowship arrive at Caras Galadhon. Eventually. They ascend a winding stairway amongst the trees, towards the grand court of Galadriel and Celeborn. Sam stops and begins to fondle a pine air freshener hanging from a bough of the tree, before being dragged on by Aragorn. With a glow issuing forth from them, the Lord and Lady of Lothlórien descend to meet the Fellowship, hand in hand. Aragorn touches his head reverently in greeting
Celeborn: Eight that are here yet nine there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him. Galadriel looks at Aragorn, reading the answer in his eyes
Galadriel: He has failed. He shall never reach the million-pound goal.
Galadriel: The quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail to the ruin of all, and it's a mighty big fall down there I can tell you. Galadriel looks at Boromir who can't stand her gaze. He starts shaking and casts his eyes downwards, and bends almost double. He looks embarrassed of trouser.
Galadriel: Yet hope remains while the company is true. Galadriel looks at Sam and smiles. Sam continues to gaze at her, silently answering her pleas for sexual favours
Galadriel: Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight you will sleep in peace. Whispers to Frodo in his mind Welcome Frodo of the Shire. One who has seen the Eye!
Frodo: Eye? What? You've lost it, love.
Later, back on the ground, an area has been provided for them to rest in. The hobbits are settling down to rest. In the trees, the elves singing can be heard
Elf Voice: A Olorin i yaresse (Olorin, who once was...)
Elf Voice: Mentaner i Numeherui... (Sent by the Lords of the West...)
Legolas (pensive): A lament for Gandalf.
Merry: What do they say about him?
Legolas remains silent and listens
Cut to elves dancing in the forest in an all-round musical performance. They continue to sing
Who wants to be a millionaire?
I don't
Who wants to risk a death in there?
I don't
Who wants to live with Balrog on the gate?
Balrog on the gate, is something I hate
Who wants to wallow in the flame?
I don't
Who wants to try and beat the shame?
I don't
Who wants to Kill Chris Tarrant or two?
I do
And I do
But now I want the loo…
The elves finish on an impossibly high note, with arms outstretched, grinning at the camera. The words "Sponsored by LembasTM" Flash on the screen.
Aragorn walks over to Boromir, who is seated alone on a great tree root
Aragorn: Take some rest. These borders are well protected.
Boromir: I will find no rest here. I heard her voice inside my head. She asked me questions, and I got this kind of tingly feeling in my trousers, let me tell you. Bit of a hottie, what?
Aragorn: Do you realise of whom you speak?! But yeah, you're right, I felt the same... although I think she was trying to freak me out a little, she KNOWS I can't stand cats but started going on about her pussy! Bloody weirdo. A hottie though, indeed! Pauses for thought What questions?
Boromir: She asked me if I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous?
Aragorn shakes his head with a smile. Boromir continues
Boromir: She spoke of my father and the fall of Gondor. She said to me even now there is hope left. But I cannot see it. It is long since we had any hope. My father is a noble man, but his rule is failing. And now our... our people lose faith. They even started running through the cobbled streets with tambourines and shaved heads one time? Somebody said that Happy Clappers would rule the fate of us all.
My father looks to me to make things right and I would do it. I would see the glory of Gondor restored. sigh Have you ever seen it Aragorn? White tower of Ecthelion, sprays Aragorn with spittle as he names the tower glimmering like a spike of pearl and silver. Its banners caught high in the morning breeze. Have you ever been called home by the clear ringing of silver trumpets?
Aragorn: Errrr...no, old boy, can't say that I have. More often than not, t'was mother dear calling me home and reminding me to wipe my feet. No, no trumpets as far as I can remember. There was a cymbal once though, I seem to recall... Er. Anyway. I have seen the White City, long ago.
Boromir: One day, our paths will lead us there. And the tower guards shall take up the call: The Lords of Gondor have returned! Hide all the kittens from Aragorn!
Aragorn: Will there be nibbles?
Boromir: What IS IT with you and nibbles?
Aragorn: Don't fret my friend, 'tis a kingly thing…
Boromir: I know what a kingly thing is and it sure as heck aint nibbles!
Aragorn: Well, what is it then?
Boromir: Easy he stands, and begins to dance insanely, occasionally knocking his knees in together, strumming an imaginary guitar and muttering uh-huh-huh in a low voice.
Aragorn: [Perplexed] What the frig are you doing?
Boromir: The King! Elvis! You see?
Aragorn: If I hear one more mention of the word Elvis… SAM!!!
Sam: [hiding in the bushes] *snicker* Promptly he runs as Aragorn chases him around…
