Scene: Orthanc in Isengard. Saruman and Lurtz are standing in the central chamber
Saruman: Do you know how the Orcs first came into being?
Lurtz: Well erm… I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I needed to know… I'll get it for you now…
Saruman: Quiet! Insolent fool! I meant their ancestors!
Lurtz: Oh… Gotchya. Well?
Saruman: I was GETTING to that! Right. Now where was I? Oh damn you and your interrupting!
Lurtz: Sorry. Can't help it – I get insecure when I can't talk.
Saruman: Shut up! Okay… [Picks up script] They were elves once, taken by the dark powers. Tortured and mutilated: a ruined and terrible form of life. Now...perfected: my fighting Uruk-Hai. Whom do you serve?
Lurtz: Erm… I can't remember actually… Was it Sar… Sar.. something
Saruman: I don't know why I bother…
The Uruk-Hai wear their armour and are given their weapons. They receive a white handprint on their heads and faces, signifying Saruman's army. They then assemble before him
Saruman: to the troops Hunt them down. Do not stop until they are found. You do not know pain. You do not know fear. You will taste man flesh!
Uruk-Hai #1: How about some Kentucky-fried-Balrog instead?
Uruk-Hai #2: Or a cheeseburger and fries from Burger almost-king-once-the-sword-is-reforged-and-Aragorn-comes-into-his-destiny-at-a-suitably-climatic- part-of-the-film?
Uruk-Hai #1: Ooh goody! I'm going to have a milkshake too…
Uruk-Hai #2: Isn't that MacDwalins?
Saruman: to Lurtz, ignoring the troops One of the halflings carries something of great value. Bring them to me alive and unspoiled. Kill the others! Uruk-Hai troop leaves Isengard
Scene: On the Silverlode. The Fellowship pulls out into the river in grey elven boats. Frodo pulls vial out of his pocket
Flashback to Galadriel and Frodo
Galadriel: Aha! You thought you'd gotten rid of me didn't you? Well I got sour news for ya Jack… erm… Frodo. Do you know how hard it is to do this part? Let me give you a taste – Are you willing to make the commitment to sit inside all day, making testing choices? Like… what wreath will I wear upon my gorgeous head this morning?
How about… are you willing to make the commitment to wake up at the crack of noon, and try to figure out how much water's needed to re-fill the mirror? [Hears the Director] Script? Oh, of course… sorry…
Farewell, Frodo Baggins. I give you the light of Earendil, our most beloved star. Namarië. She kisses Frodo on the head. Flashback ends
Galadriel: May it be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out. In the time of electricity failure, it will support you, have no worry. Galadriel raises her hand in farewell as the Fellowship canoes down the river
Scene: The Uruk-Hai march along through the forest as the three boats carrying the Fellowship float along the Anduin
The Fellowship's boats pass through a canyon. Aragorn lifts his head, half-smiles and taps Frodo on the shoulder
Aragorn: Frodo, the Argonath! Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old. My kin.
Legolas: Oh here we go… the destiny speech again…
Merry and Pippin snigger unattractively
Aragorn: Long have I yearned to see the faces of those whose footsteps shall be my own, whose crowns I shall bear with pride, whose…
Legolas: … farts will be renowned for all time as the smelliest in Middle Earth…
Aragorn: Please! That's my great-great-great-great-great-great granddaddy you're talking about!
Legolas: True though.
Aragorn: Indeed…
The Fellowship looks up in awe at the towering splendour of the Argonath. Two majestic statues, carved right out of the rock, proudly stand on each side of the Anduin. Their left arms are held aloft, their palms facing outwards in gesture of warning. A Crow is nesting in one of their nostrils, the twigs for the nest give the realistic impression of nostril hair, made yet more realistic when he decides to dump his digested berries down below…
The Fellowship reaches Parth Galen and pull their boats onto the beach
As they disembark on the gravel beach of Parth Galen, complete with Parasols ad bucket and spade ensembles, Boromir looks troubled and appears to be fighting a conflict within him. Frodo looks perturbed (That's 'troubled' for us NORMAL folk... The Fellowship starts to make camp
Aragorn: Now, this is the bank of the Anduin, otherwise known as Parth Galen. Our commando unit will approach from The North Undeep, under cover of night, and make our way to the southeastern main bog. If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. Legolas, our glorious leader and founder of the LembasTM Company, will be coordinating consultant at the bog's head, though he himself will not be taking part in any strenuous action, as he has a bad back.
Gimli: Oh, yes? It's just a simple matter of finding our way through Emyn Muil? An impassable labyrinth of razor sharp rocks! And after that, it gets even better! Pippin looks up, alarmed Festering, stinking marshlands far as the eye can see!
Aragorn: That is your road.
Gimli: Our road? Aren't you coming with us?
Legolas: Solidarity, brother.
Gimli: Oh yes, Solidarity, elf.
Aragorn: Once upon Emyn Muil, timing will be of the essence. There is an Orcish feast later in the evening, so we must move fast, and don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, Points at map we enter the Targon memorial sewer and from there, proceed directly to Mordor. This has just been re-polished for the first time in Five hundred eons, so fellowship, careful with those feet. We will now be directly beneath Sauron's audience chamber itself. This is the moment for Gimli to get out his axe. I suggest you take some rest and recover your strength master dwarf.
Gimli: Recover my...! Phrrrrr... What if I told you there were cats there? Eh? Eh?
Aragorn stiffens, obviously affected by the dwarf's words
Legolas: quietly to Aragorn We should leave now.
Aragorn: No. Orcs patrol the eastern shore – they have pet cats. We must wait for cover of darkness.
Legolas: It is not the eastern shore that worries me. A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near...I can feel it!
Pippin jumps out of the bush behind Legolas and pounces on him, tugging at his hair
Legolas: AARGH!!! Gittim off me!!!
Legolas starts running about with Pippin on his back, whilst Aragorn stares at the distance and tries to look thoughtful. Gimli and the others have hardly noticed Legolas
Gimli: No dwarf need recover strength! To Merry Pay no heed to that, young hobbit. Sam, returning with some wood for the campfire, looks around
Sam: Where's Frodo? Pippin, who was rather enjoying his piggy-back ride, looks up with a start. Aragorn looks over the camp. His gaze stops on Boromir's shield, lying with the baggage
Frodo wanders into the forest. He stands by an immense stone head, lying with its side on the ground. Boromir, gathering wood, sees Frodo and approaches him
Boromir: None of us should wander alone, you least of all. So much depends on you. Frodo? I know why you seek solitude, and you'll end up going blind and having palms as hairy as your feet. You suffer; I see it day by day. We all do - the distinct lack of females in this group is starting to take its toll...although Sam seems happy enough. Dunno why. You sure you do not suffer needlessly? There are other ways, Frodo; other paths that web might take.
Frodo: I know what you would say. And it would seem like wisdom but for the warning in my heart, and the fact that I don't swing that particular way.
Boromir: Warning? Against what? We're all afraid, Frodo. But to let that fear drive us to destroy what hope we have. Don't you see that is madness? Set yourself free, step out of that closet and...
Frodo: There is no other way!
Boromir: I ask only for the strength to defend my people!throws the gathered wood to the groundIf you would but lend me your Ring...
Frodo: I'll pretend I didn't hear that...oh, THAT ring. Errrr... No.
Steps back
Boromir: Why do you recoil? I am no thief.
Frodo: You are not yourself. You're wearing make-up too, don't think no-one had noticed...
Boromir: What chance do you think you have? They will find you! They will take the Ring and you will beg for death before the end! You hear tales, you know! Frodo begins to run from Boromir Come back, pretty Hobbit!
Boromir: Fool! You know you want it! Boromir gives chase
Boromir: It is not yours save by unhappy chance. It could have been mine! tackles FrodoIt should be mine! Give it to me! Baby! struggle ensues
Boromir: Give it to me!
Frodo: No! I'm not your type! I look 'orrible in a dress! Not that I've ever worn one! Often! I don't shave my legs or anything!
Boromir: Give me... Give me the Ring!
Frodo: Nurgh...ugh! Frodo slips the Ring on and disappears. He kicks Boromir and runs away
Boromir: looks around desperately I see your mind. You will take the Ring to Sauron! You will betray us! You go to your death and the death of us all! Curse you! Curse you! And all the halflings! Curse you again for your mixed signals! I know you run to join a troupe of travelling people of negotiable affection, who go by the name of 'Proudfootses, queen of the marshlands'!
Editors note: It has come to my attention that there have been far too many exclamation marks used in the last few minutes. This is blatant over-use of punctuation, and the punctuation in question is crying out for extra pay. If the unions get involved, we're finished...now stop it. All of you.
Boromir slips and falls to the ground. The madness of the Ring leaves him and he comes to his senses
Boromir: Frodo!?... Frodo!?... What have I done!? Please...Frodo?!
Editor's note: Alright, now that's enough – now not only the exclamations are complaining, but the ellipses are going ape, and the question marks are, as I speak, pounding on my door. Enough already! Right. Back to the plot…
Boromir: What plot? Oh!
Boromir: You're right Frodo! You're not my type! I won't tell anyone, no matter what... it'll be our secret!
Frodo runs up the steps to the seat of Amon Hen
Boromir (in the background): Frodo, I'm sorry! Oh no! The exclamation points are coming!!!!
Narrator: Frodo, in the "shadow world," climbs up onto the Seat of Seeing atop Amon Hen. He looks over the stone seat and sees the Dark Tower from afar. A most imposing image. Very dark…
The image rushes towards him and his vision rises to its pinnacle—where the burning Eye of Sauron stares back menacingly.
See how I'm using that vocabulary book? Eh? I'm dead good, me. Oops, err, anyway… Frodo, rushing to remove the Ring, falls off the Seat of Seeing and lands on his back. Thinking he's gonna get caught by a lustful Gondorian again, he sits up, trying to catch his breath. Instead of a Gondorian, a Dúnedain answers his pheromones.
Aragorn approaches
Aragorn: Frodo?
Frodo (startled): Huh?! It has taken Boromir.
Aragorn: What has?
Frodo: (Standing up, flailing arms and making an altogether twit of himself) Madness! It's madness I tell you, for the love of Eru Boromir!
Aragorn: Hey! I'm Aragorn! Strider? Elessar?
Frodo: Enough! Leave me be! I will not answer to any of your calls of lust!
Aragorn (intensely, and altogether ticked off): Where is the Ring?
Frodo: Stay away! he scrambles up and retreats from Aragorn. Aragorn comes after him
Aragorn: Frodo! Frodo stops
Aragorn: I swore to protect you!
Frodo: Can you protect me from yourself?! Shows the Ring on his palm, meaning it as a symbol of his true fear. Aragorn misunderstands, and, looking at the Ring, slowly approaches Frodo with a puzzled expression.
Ring (whispering): Aragorn... Aragorn... Elessar... He reaches out.
Frodo: (Pulling back sharply) Gerrof me you pansy! Where's Sam when I need him – he'll kill you if he finds out you know!!
With both hands, Aragorn reaches out and closes Frodo's hand over the Ring and pushes it to the hobbit's chest
Aragorn: I would have gone with you to the end, into the very fires of Mordor.
Frodo: I know. You're a saucy little bugger. Fires of Mordor indeed. Right – I'm off!
Aragorn nods slowly but then sees Sting's blue glow. He stands suddenly and draws out his sword. Frodo looks startled, then looks at Sting, who is by the way still mystified at his newly gained talent for glowing – and we thought he was just a musician…
Aragorn: Go on Frodo. Run. Run!
Frodo leaves. Rather thankfully, I might add
