Sam searches frantically for Frodo in the woods
Sam: Mr. Frodo!!! He hears the clash of sword on sword. His eyes widen
Lurtz: to his troops Find the Halfling! Find the Halfling! A free 'White hand speciality makeover' to the one who finds the halflings!
Uruk-Hai: One hand on hip Ooh, ducky, white hand is SO last year...
Lurtz: Death to you!
Uruk-Hai: Ooh he's talking death now is he? flops hand Well I never!
Aragorn: jumps onto the Uruk-Hai Elendil!!!!!
Uruk-Hai: Steady on darling – we've got all night you know!
Legolas and Gimli run forward from behind the Seat. Legolas shoots three Uruk-Hai with quick bow-work; Gimli lands blow after blow with his axe
Legolas: Aragorn! Go!
Uruk-Hai: No! Stay! His pansy-like whimperings are quickly put to an end by an arrow in the eye
Frodo runs and hides behind a tree. No surprises there, then. Across the way, Merry and Pippin hide in a space under some fallen tree trunks. They've done this before, you can tell.
Merry: Frodo!
Pippin (beckoning): Hide here quick! Come on! Our tree is far superior to yours! See the leaves! Frodo looks at them, anguished, then shakes his head, because he is scared of EVERYTHING, including grass. Oh and cats
Aragorn (Off-shot): Did somebody say cats?
Pippin (to Merry): What's he doin'?
Merry: He's leavin'.
Pippin: No! He ALWAYS does this when we win the 'Hidey-in-the-best-tree' competition! Come back, yer a sore loser and I'm gonna stick my wooly foot right up your...runs out to Frodo
Merry: Pippin! comes after him. They are out in the open. Several Uruk-Hai are coming down the hill, towards their area.
Merry (quietly): Bugger.
Merry (calling to Uruk-hai): Hey! Hey you! Over here! I won the hidey-in-the-best-tree game! Me! Look at me!
Pippin: Hey!
Merry: Over here!
Pippin (waving his arms): This way!
Both hobbits run away from Frodo. The Uruk-Hai troop follows them. Frodo makes a break for it, running in the opposite direction, like the snivelling coward he is. Pansy. Short-legged dirty little short-arse.
*** Grinding and slowing down of the film reel ***
Narrator: It would appear that one of the Uruk-Hai has lopped the head off our descriptive narrator. Rest assured that we have now lopped his head off, and replaced him with a far more neutral narrator. On with the show.
*** Ungrinding and unslowing of the film reel ***
Pippin: It's working!
Merry: I know it's working! Run!
Merry and Pippin, the curly-headed ninnies, run across an old stone bridge. At its far end, they stop and see Uruk-hai running towards them. The Uruks are closing in, both in front and behind. An Uruk runs up to them, raising his battleaxe. But Boromir comes charging in, knocks the Uruk back, and kills him with his own axe. He throws a knife at another. More close in
Back at the Seat of Seeing, Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli continue to fight the Uruk-Hai. In one smooth move, Legolas stabs one Uruk with an arrow then shoots it out at another. Gimli wields his axe. Which is all he ever seems to do, reading this. He deserves a little more, I feel - his axe technique, while not as technical as the swordplay or bow skills of the other two, still gets the job done. Swoosh! goes the mighty axe of our Dwarven hero! He's CARRYING this bloody film, by Kotkht'dak'lak's beard!
*** Grinding and slowing of film ***
Narrator: It would appear that the replacement creative narrator was, in fact, a Dwarf. While we have nothing against Dwarves, lovely fellows, salt of the earth and very CLOSE to the earth, it was becoming a little (no offence) too one sided. We attempted to lop the head of the Dwarf, but he was too short, so we offered him a bottle of Dwarven spirits and all the stone he could whittle and he was happy. I'm taking over narratoratoring now, so it should all run as well as a Hobbit after candy-floss. And I KNOW we've used this joke before, but we like it, and will no doubt use it again for the second film. That is all.
*** Ungrinding and unslowing of film reel ***
Aragorn stabs one behind his back. Legolas shoots an Uruk who has closed in on Aragorn
Three loud ox-horn blasts are heard
Lurtz: Wasn't me...
Legolas: The Horn of Gondor!
Aragorn: Boromir!
They run down Amon Hen towards the sound, but Uruks are between them and Boromir. A visual sweep (which is a very clever and expensive bit of camera-work, I'll have you know) shows some running towards Boromir, down the stone steps; the others attack Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli as they struggle to follow
Boromir sounds the horn of Gondor again
Boromir: to the hobbits Run! Run!
The Uruks attack Boromir. He kills two more. Lurtz walks into view, lifts his bow, aims a big black arrow, and shoots it into Boromir's left shoulder.
[Note on the Score. After Boromir is hit by an arrow, a chorus begins singing the following lines translated into elvish: "I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness or the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend, there ain't no party like an S-club party."]
The hobbits look at him in shock, but not half as shocked as our Boromir. Boromir drops to his knees, begins to breathe hard, and looks at the hobbits. Uruks come closer, but he gives a battle cry ('Shithouse!', incidentally), rises, and swings his sword at one, who falls. (He did actually HIT that last one by the way, cos if you could beat them just by waving your sword at them it wouldn't be half the fight scene that it is.)
Lurtz growls, lifts his bow, and shoots again. A black arrow flies into Boromir's stomach. He drops to his knees again, gasping. But he swings his sword at another Uruk and gets back up. (He hit that one, too! Plucky fellow.) Lurtz shoots him one more time, in the chest. Boromir falls on his knees and stays there, swaying a little and blinking
Merry and Pippin look at him, aghast. With all the courage they could muster, they take up their swords and attack the Uruk-Hai. The phrase 'pissing into the wind' springs to mind.
Merry and Pippin: Shire!!
They never have the chance to strike. The Uruk-Hai lifted them up and carried them off. Merry and Pippin wave their arms frantically. The Uruk-Hai troop walks away from Boromir. Boromir looks on helplessly
Lurtz, now left alone, stops ten feet from Boromir and takes aim with his bow. Boromir swallows and stares back at him. Just then Aragorn crashes into Lurtz, whose arrow flies off harmlessly...or so we are lead to believe. The fact that Mr Squirrel limped for the rest of his life is but a tragic footnote in history.
Lurtz now stands between Aragorn and Boromir. Aragorn attempts to rush to the aid of his fallen colleague, but Lurtz intercedes and deliberately blocks his path.
Aragorn: I am Aragorn, King of this Realm, or at least will be soon.
[pause]
Lurtz: Raarghsnarlgrumble.
[pause]
Aragorn: I have no quarrel with you; oh tall dark and ugly, but I SHALL reach my wounded chum! Be a sport! Aragorn again attempts to reach Boromir, but Lurtz rattles his sword menacingly and again places himself in the way.
Lurtz: None shall pass.
Aragorn: What?
Lurtz: None shall pass. Rar, rarrr, etc.
Aragorn: I do have a quarrel with you, thinking about it, but I just want to get to the laddies over there...you know the one? Riddled with arrows? Now, if it's all the same to you, and might I add I am NOT scared of you, no sir, I'm just going over there with my elastoplast to see what I can do. On my way, see me go, off I go....er...Look, I'm just going to go over there! See? I'm going. Over. There.
Lurtz: Then you shall die.
Aragorn: I command you, as soon-to-be King - stand aside!
Lurtz: I move for no man.
Aragorn: Technically, I'm not *just* a man, Numénorean and all that, but I'm sure you understand. Draws his sword So be it!
Aragorn and Lurtz: Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.
[Aragorn chops the Lurtz's left arm off]
Aragorn: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Lurtz: 'Tis but a scratch.
Aragorn: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Lurtz: No, it isn't.
Aragorn: Well, what's that, then?
Lurtz: (Looking sheepish - or as sheepish as a 7 foot tall traumatically ugly humanoid can without a fleecy coat can look) I've had worse.
Aragorn: You liar!
Lurtz: Come on, you pansy!
[clang]
Huyah!
[clang]
Hiyaah!
[clang]
Aaaaaaaah!
Aragorn chops the Lurtz's right arm off, leaving him pretty 'armless? Geddit? Geddit? I'll just… get my coat...
Aragorn: Victory is mine! kneeling We thank Thee Lord, hang on, we don't really go into any theology in this movie, I guess that the nearest we get to divinity is me, coo, I never thought of that before, anyway that in MY mer--
Lurtz: Hah!
[Kicks the kneeling bloke in the side]
Come on, then.
Aragorn: What?
Lurtz: Have at you!
[kick]
Aragorn: Eh. You are indeed brave, handsome, but the fight is mine.
Lurtz: Oh, had enough, eh?
Aragorn: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.
Lurtz: Yes, I have.
Aragorn: Look!
Lurtz: Just a flesh wound.
[kick]
Aragorn: Look, stop that.
Lurtz: Chicken!
[kick]
Chickennn!
Aragorn: Look, I'll have your leg.
[kick]
Right!
[whop]
[Aragorn chops the Lurtz's right leg off]
Lurtz: Right. I'll do you for that!
Aragorn: You'll what?
Lurtz: Come here!
Aragorn: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
Lurtz: I'm invincible!
Aragorn: You're a looney.
Lurtz: (hopping around on one leg) The Uruk-Hai always triumph! So far! Have at you! Come on, then.
[whop]
[Aragorn chops Lurtz's last leg off]
Lurtz: Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw.
Aragorn: Come, Patsy.
Everyone else: Eh?
Aragorn: Sorry, got carried away with it for a minute then...
Lurtz: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!
Aragorn pauses a moment, panting. He then races to Boromir. Boromir, pale and bloodied, is now lying on his back, his head close to a tree
Mystery voice: Er, excuse me, Aragorn old boy, but this isn't how it's meant to be...
Aragorn: Whut?
Mystery voice: Well...it IS kind of my film, and that chappie over there is still on this mortal coil. That's not how the script goes, you see. You're supposed to be lopping his head off now, and yes, I know there has already been a lot of head-lopping-off in this film but it IS supposed to be a climatic ending fight-scene thing, and plus if he's alive we have to keep paying him. Besides which, it's great when the audience leaps up and cheers like they do…
Lurtz: Mystery voice has a point, you know. Time and a half at least, guv'nor. And, to be fair, there isn't much I will be able to do, being all limbless and the like. You'd be doing me a favour, and saving us all a bit of hard cash. I'll buy you a mug of ale afterwards?
Aragorn: But...but...he's beaten, I can hear the fat lady singing for him as we speak.
Cue Sam, who pops out from behind a tree
Sam: I was WHISTLING, not singing! Oh yeah, and I'm not a lady, it was just a one-off when it may have APPEARED to the casual observer that I was wearing tights, but I wasn't...er…
He then disappears behind the tree again
Aragorn: …and I don't want to get any more of his smelly blood on me. Get someone else to do it!
Mystery voice: Look, pally, I pay YOUR wages, too. I bet you used to pull the wings off flies when you were younger, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? As it stands, we did a good job of ripping off another film, but I think the jokes over now, it isn't funny any more - a lot like a lot of this, really! Just do what you've been told to do, and remember - He didn't ASK to be what he is; he didn't CHOOSE to be evil - same as you didn't choose to be King. As with the ring-bearer, sometimes our destinies are forced upon us, and what choice do we have but to follow? Aside from the fact it was his part in the film to do this, too. And you leave him there, a pitiful wreck of a being, unable to even wipe his own backside or eat a pomegranate. And, in your favour, it would be showing that the future King is a merciful future King, that though your judgement may not always seem to be the fairest, it is merciful. Now PLEASE, can you...
Boromir: Ahem, dying man over here - and anyway, he died halfway through your speech from shock, blood loss and more likely boredom. Attend me now, there's a good chap. (Cough wheeze)
Aragorn: Ooh! Runs up and kneels near Boromir
Boromir: They took the little ones.
Aragorn: Be still.
Boromir: Frodo, where is Frodo?
Aragorn: I let Frodo go.
Boromir: Then you did what I could not. I tried to take the Ring from him.
Aragorn: The Ring is beyond our reach now.
Boromir: Forgive me, I did not see it. I have failed you all.
Aragorn: No, Boromir, you fought bravely! You have kept your honour.
Reaches out to pull the arrows from Boromir
Boromir: Leave it! It is over. The world of men will fall, and all will come to darkness... and my city to ruin.
Legolas: Look! Look! That mushroom looks like Gandalf's nose! Look, everyone! Look at me! No-one has mentioned me for a while! Oh er I forgot… Lembas!!!!
Aragorn: I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the white city fall, nor our people fail!
Boromir: Our people? Our people. He reaches for his sword. Aragorn places the hilt in his hand, and Boromir clasps it to his chest
Boromir: I would have followed you my brother, my captain, my king! Boromir closes his eyes. Aragorn touches his hand to his forehead, then to his lips in respect
Legolas: Me! Me! Listen to ME! I'm the pretty boy, everyone loves me, and I haven't been spoken of, or to, for aaaaaaaaaaaages! Meeeeeeeee!
Aragorn: Dammit, Legolas...this is supposed to be a touching scene, the breaking of the fellowship, where the brave and noble warrior-prince Boromir passes away! It is supposed to be a sombre moment where we all reflect on our own mortality, and how easily we can pass onto wherever it is we go...a little dignity please. Let me have a minute alone with the dead...
Aragorn: Be at peace, son of Gondor. Bends and kisses Boromir on the brow
Boromir: *coughing and speaking very softly* Actually...I think.... I'm only mortally...wound...wounded. I have a little...time left...
Aragorn: Rest yourself my friend. Go now beyond this cruel place, be at peace among the stars...
Boromir: Actually, I don't think it's mortal. Hurts a lot, but I think I might pull through. I don't feel that bad at all, now I come to mention it. I think I could carry on, if you give me 10 minutes and a cup of sweet tea...
Lurtz: You know...I don't feel quite so bad, either. If you could sort of build me a litter, carry me on your back or something...I wouldn't be a burden and could dispense words of wisdom, and tell you if anyone is sneaking up on you! Yeah! We could stick my arms and legs back on, you know - no-ones ever tried, it MIGHT work his dialogue is cut off, as is his head, rather abruptly. Everyone looks a little shocked, save Aragorn, a look of frothy-mouthed fury on his face, as he sheaths Elendil
Boromir: Oh come on now Aragorn, there was no need for that - a little harsh, don't you think? I mean the poor guy was in a bad way as it was we could have just left him here...and about what I said earlier. I know you're the future King and all that, and this near-death experience has given me an insight into it. You ARE just a bit of a wanderer, no fixed address and all that, I'm sure you'd be a fabulous King but I could look after the throne for you, see? Leave you free to do your own thing, sort of thing? I AM a Prince, you know, ish, so I don't want to have to pull rank here...Oooh, I do feel sprightly now, in fact, I think I'll come along with yo...
Aragorn: YAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! (Stabs Bormoir in the chest with his sword) RIGHT! LISTEN UP! This was supposed to be a big scene for me, show I wasn't just a scowly faced ranger type, and all you bastards have spoiled it!
Gimli: I didn't...
Aragorn: Shut UP, short-arse! As I was saying before I was interrupted, I was really getting into that then, and the next one of you overpaid non-Kingly types that so much as BREATHES while I'm talking gets the same treatment, right? Now get making him look pretty, stick him on a raft and chuck him in the lake. Capiche? GOT IT?
Mystery voice: Bang goes MY Oscar...