(Some kindly submitted by members of the Bag End discussion group)

Frodo: The ring! Where's the ring I can't find it?

Gandalf: Well you know my dear hobbit, whenever you find something; it is always in the last place you looked.

As Frodo gives Gandalf a worried look, Merry walks in coughing.

Merry: Uh, guys?? I think I swallowed it…

--Gilraen--

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Saruman: Whom do you serve oh goo-covered one?

Lurtz: SOOOOOCCKKKK MOOOONNNKKKKKEEEEYYYYYY

Lurtz collapses in a fit of giggles

--The Reverend--

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Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn bid farewell to Boromir, and begin to sing

Aragorn: Yesterday, all those orcs they seemed so far away,

Now they've taken Hobbits out to play

Oh our friend left, just yesterday

Legolas: Suddenly, there's a shadow hanging over me,

Why did Lurtz want to go out with me?

Oh yesterday, came suddenly.

Gimli: Why they had to go

I don't know, they wouldn't say.

I sang out of tune

Now I long for yesterdaaaaaaaaaaayyyy

Aragorn: Yesterday, life was such an easy game to play,

Now I need a place to hideaway,

Oh I believe in yesterday

--Gilraen--

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Legolas (pensive): A lament for Gandalf.

Merry: What do they say about him?

Legolas: *listens*

Legolas: *translates*...That b#%^@rd owed me 50 dollars…

--TáriErunostarel--

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Gandalf: [Reading the gates of Moria.] The words are in the elven-tongue of the West of Middle-Earth in the Elder days. But they do not say anything of importance to us.

Pippin: [Intrigued.] What do they say?

Gandalf: They merely say: "Beware of squid. No trespassing."

--Denise--

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Gollum: Does my bum look big in this?

--The Reverend--

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Frodo: Did you just hear singing, Sam? Sounded like the elves of Rivendell…

Sam: No, Master. It was that David Bowie again, singing that Ziggy Stardust track.

--Gilraen--

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Ring: I don't wanna be a ring no more. Frodo keeps sticking his finger in me. I wanna be...a can of soup! Check this:

One soup to rule them all,

One soup to bind them,

Some folks hate croutons in,

And other folks don't mind em...

Waddya think, Pete? Pete? Peeeee-eeeteeee?

--The Reverend--

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Gimli: NOBODY tosses a Dwarf!

Orc: That's not what we've heard, shorty...

Director: Cut! Let's try that again...

Gimli: NOBODY tosses a Dwarf!

Aragorn: You just wait till the next film, honeybunch...

Gimli: I'm gonna punch your cobblers in, so I am.

--The Reverend--

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The Story of how it all began…

Director: CUT!!! Okay guys that's a rap, good job!

Singing, clapping and cheers are heard throughout the studio. The Director walks over to the producer, Gilraen

Director: Do you reckon this will sell?

Gilraen: No chance, just drop that in the bin on your way out, Pete, and The Rev and I will take a look at it, jazz it up a little. You'll be making millions in no time…

PJ Nods sadly and walks away, dropping the original script in the bin on his way out. A quick 'Gilraen nod' to the Rev and the "Mission Impossible" Theme tune is heard. The pair begin to dart around, hiding behind invisible pillars and running into invisible agents of evil. Finally Gilraen gets to the bin, where The Rev is scratching his chin thoughtfully

The Rev: I have a cunning plan… All we need is this script, a few permanent markers, a collection of Monty Python videos and an entirely new cast…and possibly sleep deprivation and prescription medicines.

Gilraen: I think we could make this work, Rev me ol' chum.

The pair high-five and walk through the doorway, immersed in a blinding white light, still humming "Mission Impossible" under their breaths…

--Gilraen--