I never meant to push you away sir. I never meant to stop caring. In fact I
never did
I never stopped caring for you, in some ways that was the problem sir. All the while during my childhood the gaffer impressed on me all manners and right ways of speaking, and all things proper. Always treat your master with respect, nothing more, nothing less. Don't go getting too attached, because you're not of their class, you just mind your business and tend to your plants. Don't go getting ideas above your station.
And that's what I did sir. Before we went on that quest. I was your friend, yes by all means, but I kept my distance. Kept my mind focused on the reason I turned up to Bag End, to garden.
But spending that time with you, on the quest, that changed my life in more ways than once sir, and turned my world upside down.
I treated you with much more than respect as the months passed. I started to care about you, and not just whether you were hurt or in danger. I cared about whether you were happy, and comfortable. I cared that stinker was getting closer to you than I'd like. I cared that if I lost you, then I would lose everything.
I'd lose everything because despite the warnings of my gaffer, I got too attached to you. And what had once started as respect and friendship, had deepened into feelings of love, and devotion.
I realized this when we got back to the shire, and I had to figure out what I was feeling. Because it certainly wasn't proper. The way I feel about you should've been how I felt for Miss Rosie, but it wasn't, not anymore.
And you! I was certain that you wouldn't feel the same way. Why would such a fine, distinguished gentleman like you have improper feelings for his gardener? That's why I distanced myself from you. I didn't want to make you think that I was getting ideas above my station. That I was just looking for extra benefits by ingratiating myself with you.
Because that's not how it is sir. I saw who you are, Mr. Frodo. Who you really are, in the blackness of Mordor. I saw your greed, and your fear, and your suffering, but the strange thing is, it didn't scare me. It didn't push me away. I found myself wanting to hold you and take care of you until all the bad things went away. Because I love you like that.. Frodo.
You are important to me sir. You'll always be important. It's just that you want me to stay with you, to keep you company, but I'm just not sure I can do that sir. It would break my heart, to be so near, and so far.
This is why sir, I've decided to tell you the truth. To tell you about the improper feelings floating around my head and my heart; and screaming around my blood.
I'd understand if you still wanted me to go sir, but there would be nothing more in the world I wanted more than to stay, with you.
If you can find it in your heart to love me as your equal, to see me not as your gardener but your partner then I'll stay with you. I'll keep you company and fill the loneliness in your hearts.
But if all I feel for you is respectful attachments, and you feel only friendship from me, then maybe it's best for the both of us if I go..
I never stopped caring for you, in some ways that was the problem sir. All the while during my childhood the gaffer impressed on me all manners and right ways of speaking, and all things proper. Always treat your master with respect, nothing more, nothing less. Don't go getting too attached, because you're not of their class, you just mind your business and tend to your plants. Don't go getting ideas above your station.
And that's what I did sir. Before we went on that quest. I was your friend, yes by all means, but I kept my distance. Kept my mind focused on the reason I turned up to Bag End, to garden.
But spending that time with you, on the quest, that changed my life in more ways than once sir, and turned my world upside down.
I treated you with much more than respect as the months passed. I started to care about you, and not just whether you were hurt or in danger. I cared about whether you were happy, and comfortable. I cared that stinker was getting closer to you than I'd like. I cared that if I lost you, then I would lose everything.
I'd lose everything because despite the warnings of my gaffer, I got too attached to you. And what had once started as respect and friendship, had deepened into feelings of love, and devotion.
I realized this when we got back to the shire, and I had to figure out what I was feeling. Because it certainly wasn't proper. The way I feel about you should've been how I felt for Miss Rosie, but it wasn't, not anymore.
And you! I was certain that you wouldn't feel the same way. Why would such a fine, distinguished gentleman like you have improper feelings for his gardener? That's why I distanced myself from you. I didn't want to make you think that I was getting ideas above my station. That I was just looking for extra benefits by ingratiating myself with you.
Because that's not how it is sir. I saw who you are, Mr. Frodo. Who you really are, in the blackness of Mordor. I saw your greed, and your fear, and your suffering, but the strange thing is, it didn't scare me. It didn't push me away. I found myself wanting to hold you and take care of you until all the bad things went away. Because I love you like that.. Frodo.
You are important to me sir. You'll always be important. It's just that you want me to stay with you, to keep you company, but I'm just not sure I can do that sir. It would break my heart, to be so near, and so far.
This is why sir, I've decided to tell you the truth. To tell you about the improper feelings floating around my head and my heart; and screaming around my blood.
I'd understand if you still wanted me to go sir, but there would be nothing more in the world I wanted more than to stay, with you.
If you can find it in your heart to love me as your equal, to see me not as your gardener but your partner then I'll stay with you. I'll keep you company and fill the loneliness in your hearts.
But if all I feel for you is respectful attachments, and you feel only friendship from me, then maybe it's best for the both of us if I go..
