So, I still don't own them. After seeing the way I treat Tidus, that's probably a good thing.
No Tidus' were harmed during the making of this chapter. Well. . . not harmed much.
Enjoy!
TIDUS
Aw, damnit. Am I still here?
AL BHED #2
(elbows TIDUS in the chest) Crid ib yhd ced tufh, syhko Oammu Veaht!
#Shut up and sit down, mangy Yellow Fiend!#
AL BHED #1
(raises an eyebrow) Oammu Veaht?
#Yellow Fiend?#
AL BHED #2
(shrugs) Lyh oui drehg uv yhodrehk paddan?
#Can you think of anything better?#
TIDUS
(has slowly been growing more and more weirded out) Hey, uh, you guys?
AL BHED #2
(punches TIDUS in the face) Cricr!
#Shush!#
AL BHED #3
Ech'd dryd y meddma ujan dra dub?
#Isn't that a little over the top?#
AL BHED #2
(shrugs again) Zicd sygehk dra sucd uv so clnaah desa.
#Just making the most of my screen time#
(The other two Al Bhed decide that this is a good idea and all three start to pound on TIDUS)
TIDUS
(mangled) Aren't there, like, prisoner of war rules or something?
PHI
(V.O.) This isn't a war
(The beating is stopped suddenly when a hatch on the other side of the ship opens, and out steps the GIRL from before, along with her brother; the imaginatively named, uh. . . BROTHER)
GIRL
(eyes narrow as she sees TIDUS whimpering on the floor) Fryd'c kuehk uh rana?
#What's going on here?#
AL BHED
(innocently) Hudrehk. . .
#Nothing. . .#
BROTHER
Sekrd yc famm bid ed du fung yht ruba ed ech'd gemmat un cusadrehk. . .
#Might as well put it to work and hope it isn't killed or something. . .#
TIDUS
(using a tactic tourists who don't speak the local language use all the time; speaking slowly and loudly) WHAT?
BROTHER
Ehcumahla!
#Insolence!#
GIRL
(seeing that TIDUS is about to get his ass handed to him again) Look, just play dumb and make yourself useful.
TIDUS
(managing the "playing dumb" part magnificently) Useful? Me? (pauses) Wait! You can understand me?
GIRL
Only when I can bear listening to you whining long enough to make out what you're saying.
TIDUS
(half to himself) Cute and able to understand me. . . The perfect woman!
GIRL
(rolls her eyes and gestures to AL BHED #2)
AL BHED #2
(sharpening knife and glaring at TIDUS)
TIDUS
(sweatdrops and nods) A-alright, I'll work. (under breath) Sheesh; I didn't realise everyone outside Zanarkand were complete psychopaths. . .
GIRL
(nods brightly) Alrighty then! (pushes him to the side of the ship)
TIDUS
Uhh. . . What exactly are we doing?
GIRL
(shifty) . . .Swimming. Searching for some ruins. Definitely not running into some fiends.
TIDUS
(oblivious to her shifty nature) Cool! Anything has to be better than staying here and being abused.
GIRL
Oh yeah, before I forget (leans close to him)
TIDUS
(grins cheekily, thinking to himself) Man, this chick can't get enough of me! (out loud, puckering up) Well, alright, but just for luck.
GIRL
(rolls her eyes again) Not that, stupid. Just listen.
(We now sit through the most boring tutorial since, well. . . ever. First time players will sit and stare at the sphere grid in awe, wondering how in heck they're ever going to understand it)
FIRST TIME PLAYERS
So um. . . instead of levelling up, I have to spend a good twenty hours of my play time thinking about a bunch of spheres? So, like, how do I get stronger and stuff? (panic)
(Second time players will be hammering the X button madly, trying to skip through everything)
SECOND TIME PLAYERS
(bored) I've seen this already! I don't care!
(Unfortunately, you can't skip. Somewhere in Japan, Sakaguchi-san is laughing evilly. Finally, the GIRL finishes)
TIDUS
(snoring)
GIRL
(slaps him)
TIDUS
(wakes up suddenly) It wasn't me, officer! . . .Oh. Heh. Right. Are we going ye --
(He gets no further as the AUTHOR appears in mid-air and kicks them both into the water)
PHI
Eesh. You want something doing, you might as well do it yourself. (disappears)
(TIDUS and the GIRL swim down into the murky depths of the oceans, reaching the RUINS in little time)
TIDUS
(blows bubbles of awe, before realising that blowing out his precious air supply isn't the best of ideas) Gah!
(For some odd reason, they aren't attacked and reach what appears to be a power core of some sort for the ruins. But little do they know that they're being followed! Dramatic music crashes around them, startling the two youngsters)
TIDUS
(looking around for the source of the music, before mouthing) What the heck?
GIRL
(shrugs, mouths back) It happens; you get used to it.
(On goes the power, with little trouble, illuminating the previously darkened ruins. GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS are getting bored)
GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS
Come on! Make something happen!
(As if by magic, the GOD OF PLOT DEVICES intervenes, and TROS; a slightly lost looking octopus appears behind the two)
TROS
(speaking with a fairly posh English accent) Oh, thank goodness. I was beginning to think that there was nothing to be found in this ghastly place. I'm a little lost, you see; I'm trying to find the --
(The fiend doesn't get much further as TIDUS lets out a muffled, water-logged scream and pulls his sword from nowhere. See, our hero doesn't understand Sub-Boss Octopus language and to him, the quaint tones of TROS sound like a fiend looking for an innocent young Blitzer to eat)
TROS
(perplexed, swiping out a tentacle in gesture of friendship) Well now, old boy, I think we've got off on the wrong foot here. . .
(Too late; TIDUS takes the gesture of friendship as an attack and swings wildly with his sword. The blade catches TROS on the tentacle, and causes the fiend to shriek with anger)
TROS
(stuttering with a rage that is only held back by its reserved nature) W-well now! That was uncalled for!
TIDUS
(attacking wildly with his eyes closed)
GIRL
(unsure whether to laugh at TIDUS or to join him in the fight)
TROS
(swims to the other side of the room, trying to get away from the creepy little human) Well, I shall have no more to do with you, my friend! (swims off angrily)
(TIDUS, with his eyes closed, does not notice his foe disappearing, and so continues to swipe at thin um. . . water for a good few minutes until the GIRL taps him on the shoulder)
GIRL
(mouthing) You uh. . . killed it.
TIDUS
(pauses then mouths) I did?
(An expression of sheer glee comes over his face, and he begins to celebrate; doing a little victory dance in the middle of the water)
TIDUS
(mouthing) I am the man! That's it, Mr Fiend! You die now, all cause I'm the man!
(The GIRL has already swum off, and again, TIDUS does not notice until a while has passed. He sweatdrops and begins to head to the surface. Once there, he just misses the crowd of Al Bhed disappearing into the main hold of the ship)
BROTHER
(sighs) Oui'na cyoehk ed'c yh yencreb?
#You're saying it's an airship?#
GIRL
Oib.
#Yup#
BROTHER
Hud yh yhleahd cduna uv creho drehkc?
#Not an ancient store of shiny things?#
GIRL
Hu. Zicd yh yencreb.
#No. Just an airship#
BROTHER
. . .Tyt'c kuhhy gemm sa. . .
#. . .Dad's gonna kill me. . .#
(TIDUS is left outside, alone, but he's perfectly able to make his own entertainment)
TIDUS
(singing merrily) Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety nine bottles of beeeeeer --
(About an hour later. . .)
TIDUS
(still singing merrily) Ninety eight bottles of beer on the wall, ninety eight bottles of beeeeer --
(He does not notice that the GIRL has been stood watching him for a good few minutes, holding a plate of food and raising an eyebrow at him. Without a word - but also without allowing the eyebrow to lower - she dumps the food in front of him)
TIDUS
(singing) Ninety nine --
PHI
(V.O.) He's been moving between ninety eight and ninety nine for an hour now. I knew he'd get lost.
TIDUS
(spies the food) FOOD! (begins to wolf it down)
GIRL
(eyebrow raises even higher)
TIDUS
(suddenly, begins to choke) H-he --
PHI
(appearing suddenly, and looking a little worried) Uh. Is he going blue? Does anyone know the Heimlich?
EVERYONE
(shakes head)
(A trip to the hospital later. . .)
GIRL
You idiot. It's cause you eat like a pig. . .
TIDUS
(still looking a little unwell and sporting a "I'm a good boy!" sticker he obtained while in the emergency room) Yeah, well, if you guys didn't starve me! (scowls)
(There is a dark silence between the two for a moment until PHI appears and elbows the GIRL)
GIRL
(sighs) I suppose I'd better get the introductions out of the way. I think the author's getting tired of calling me "girl".
BROTHER
(sticks his head into the shot, hopeful) Tuac dryd sayh E kad y naym hysa duu?
#Does that mean I get a real name too?#
PHI
No.
BROTHER
(sadly, moving away again) Yff. . .
#Aww. . .#
GIRL
Aaaaaanywaay. . . I'm Rikku.
(The AUTHOR breathes a sigh of relief)
RIKKU
(hurriedly, as if she really doesn't care) So who are ya, where ya from, do ya hate the Al Bhed, blah di blah blah. . .
TIDUS
My name's --
(He is cut off suddenly as someone looking remarkably like a HIGH PRICED LAWYER appears and waves a piece of paper in TIDUS' face)
HIGH PRICED LAWYER
Oh no you don't.
PHI
(appearing) Gah. I thought we'd sorted that all out! I paid, didn't I? I'm sticking to that damned restraining order, aren't I?
HIGH PRICED LAWYER
I'll deal with you later, missy. But, at the moment, I am here to ensure that blonde boy here doesn't breach his contract.
TIDUS
I have a contract?
PHI
(hums nervously)
HIGH PRICED LAWYER
(coughs loudly and begins to read from the piece of paper) Section 7, article 14, part 3b, clause i: The character in question (hereafter referred to as Party A), being that he is the main character, will not allow anyone to utter his name during the course of the game. Should Party A be found in breach of this clause, he will have all his hair shorn off and will be forced to work in a low budget survival horror game until the public gets tired of him and he is killed off in a horrific, yet slightly amusing manner.
TIDUS
(blinks) . . . Er. . . What?
HIGH PRICED LAWYER
(sighs) You're not allowed to tell anyone what your name is.
TIDUS
(still looks clueless) Eh?
HIGH PRICED LAWYER
(decides that his work here is done) Just don't breach the contract. (disappears)
PHI
And make me a sandwich! (disappears too)
TIDUS
(stands there and blinks for a good few minutes) Er. What were we doing again?
RIKKU
(glares at the sky)
PHI
(V.O.) Dealing with idiots is character building. Just get on with it.
GENERIC VETERAN FF PLAYERS
(reaching for the power button)
RIKKU
Alright, already. (mock sweetly) So, where you from?
TIDUS
Me?
RIKKU
(death glare) No, the blonde stranger behind you.
TIDUS
(looks)
RIKKU
(hits forehead with one hand) Of course you!
TIDUS
(beams) Cool! (thinking) Man, this chick really digs me. I'm so going to score tonight! (smoothly) Well, I'm a playah, bay-bee. I've been here and there, always looking for the right place to settle down. . .
(TIDUS fails to mention that he actually spent the last EIGHTEEN years living AT HOME with his MOTHER)
TIDUS
But I'm originally from Zanarkand. (slyly) You like Blitzball players? Cause I'm the best there is, sweet thing.
RIKKU
(unimpressed)
(TIDUS launches into a reverie that lasts some time. Thankfully, we are spared and by the time we cut back to the pair, RIKKU looks about ready to MAIM the Blitzer)
RIKKU
. . .Great. Why is it that every guy we find in the wilderness happens to be completely insane?
TIDUS
What do you mean?
RIKKU
There is no Zanarkand, stupid. It was destroyed a thousand years ago.
TIDUS
(silent)
RIKKU
So you're either lying, stupid, or some convoluted nonsense involving Sin's toxin has happened.
(I'll give you THREE GUESSES as to which is the explanation given. You'll only need ONE)
RIKKU
But you play Blitzball. Which makes a lot of sense.
TIDUS
Why?
RIKKU
All Blitzers are idiots.
(Any FANS of WAKKA, TIDUS, JECHT, BROTHER, or ANYONE that plays Blitzball puts RIKKU on their LIST of characters to DESTROY in fanfics)
TIDUS
. . . Oh.
RIKKU
But that's ok. We'll just take you to Luca, where we can let you roam free with all the other little idiot Blitzers. . .
TIDUS
(looking more and more perplexed) Luca?
RIKKU
Oh, and you probably shouldn't say you're from Zanarkand. No, wait. (develops shifty eyes and giggles evilly) If you ever see these guys called Yevonites, you tell them you're from Zanarkand. They'll be ever so happy to hear that --
PHI
(V.O.) Now, now, Rikku. You don't need to get him killed like that.
RIKKU
(gestures to where TIDUS is stood, scratching is butt with one hand and poking himself in the eye with the other; his tongue stuck out in concentration)
PHI
(V.O.) Oh. Heh. Maybe it would be kinder. . .
HIGH PRICED LAWYER
(also V.O.) Oh no you don't.
RIKKU
(pouts)
THE GOD OF PLOT DEVICES
(drops Sin into the ocean beside the boat) Oops.
RANDOM AL BHED
SIN!
(The AL BHED run around like small, headless fowl of some kind. TIDUS, on the other hand, stands there like an idiot)
TIDUS
. . .Ooooooh. . .
SIN
Hey! It's the spiky one from before! You gave me indigestion!
(SIN whales on the ship. Somehow, only TIDUS ends up in the water)
RIKKU
Man overb -- Ah, what the heck. It's easier this way.
(The AL BHED sail away before TIDUS can get back to them)
TIDUS
Aww. . . (blacks out)
(Sadly, TIDUS wakes up eventually, finding himself in a place quite the opposite of what he's seen so far. Hot sunshine beats down on him from above; the ocean is warm and blue, and best of all, there's a Blitzball screaming towards him)
TIDUS
Hn?
(Smack)
TIDUS
(should be dazed, but has been hit in the face by Blitzballs enough times to not feel it) Wow! Blitzball!
(Instead of y'know, trying to figure out if he's in any danger floating in that water, TIDUS takes the ball and SMASHES it towards the beach)
RANDOM AUROCH
(spies the ball) Heads up!!
(Most of the players scatter, but one. . .)
WAKKA
Huh? (looks up)
(Thud)
TIDUS
(sweatdrops) Uh. . . oops?
(Our hero swims towards the beach, reaching it just as WAKKA is pulled to his feet by the sniggering AUROCHS)
RANDOM AUROCH
I did say "Heads up", coach. . .
WAKKA
(sounding a little. . . dazed) Is' a'right, brudda. . . Who fired dat shot anyway?
TIDUS
(doesn't even imagine that these guys could be anything but friendly) Sorry, that was me.
WAKKA
(glare) If there wasn't three of ya, y'all would be so dead right now, ya?
TIDUS
(V.O. - very cheerfully) Well, everyone still wanted to hurt me, but I'd found some fellow Blitzers. Things were starting to look up!
(A few minutes later, once WAKKA has recovered. . .)
WAKKA
So den, who you play for?
TIDUS
(suspicious) Are you a Yevonite?
WAKKA
Pretty much.
TIDUS
(beams) Cool! I play for the Zanarkand Abes!
WAKKA
(stares)
TIDUS
(nervous) Or um. . . something convoluted about Sin's toxin?
WAKKA
(eyes bug) And you're still alive? Praise be to Yevon!
PHI
(V.O. - muttering) Yeah, "praise" be. . .
WAKKA
Name's Wakka, and I'm captain of the Besaid Aurochs, brudda!
TIDUS
(slightly sarcastic) Sounds like a great team. . .
WAKKA
Yeah, even better now that you're going to be playing for us for the rest of the game.
(Somewhere, far away, the ZANARKAND ABES are thanking their LUCKY STARS)
TIDUS
(muttering) What in heck is an Auroch anyway?
WAKKA
(slaps TIDUS on the back) What? You hungry? C'mon, back to the village!
(TIDUS opens his mouth to say that he just ate, but realises that he is hungry after all. This is the LAST time in the ENTIRE game he'll decide that EATING is a GOOD THING. But at least he acknowledges that food is NECESSARY; most of the other characters manage an entire SIXTY HOURS worth of gameplay without so much as a SANDWICH)
TIDUS
Alright!
(He follows WAKKA into the chirpy looking forest and they both come to a halt on the top of a CLIFF overlooking a river)
TIDUS
Ooh. Pretty. (leans over to get a better look)
PHI
(appears suddenly and snaps her fingers before giggling evilly and disappearing again)
WAKKA
(zombie-esque) Must. . . push. . . palm tree head. . . brudda. . .
(WAKKA kicks TIDUS in the BUTT, sending the blonde Blitzer headfirst into the river before diving in himself. TIDUS splutters and gasps for air)
TIDUS
Hey!
WAKKA
(still zombie-esque) Must. . . kill. . .
(WAKKA now attempts to DROWN TIDUS. However, what he and the AUTHOR seem to have forgotten is that TIDUS has that ANNOYING skill of holding his breath FOREVER or not having to breathe or something weird like that)
PHI
(V.O.) Damnit!
WAKKA
(normal, turning his throttling action into a bear hug) Join my team!
TIDUS
(gasping for air) I already said I would!
WAKKA
(ignoring) There's a huge tournament coming up, ya? Every player in Spira's gonna be dere, brudda. You're bound to find your old team, man!
TIDUS
I know that! I already agreed with you!
WAKKA
(gleefully) Duuuude, our team is gonna rock, ya?
(They continue to swim along, finally reaching dry land. WAKKA leads TIDUS to the top of another CLIFF, this time overlooking a village. Remembering last time, TIDUS remains a good TWELVE FEET away from the edge of the precipice)
PHI
(V.O. - muttering) Rats. . .
WAKKA
This is where I was born --
TIDUS
(wrinkles his nose) What, right in that spot? Eww. . .
WAKKA
No, fool. In that village. I started Blitzing when I was five.
(We cut to a sudden flashback of a five year old WAKKA, still with the stupid haircut, being thrown into the water by his father)
WAKKA'S DAD
And stay there! (throws a Blitzball in for good measure)
BABY WAKKA
Eh, man. He'll be back, ya? (starts to play with the ball)
(Night falls, and still BABY WAKKA is playing)
BABY WAKKA
. . . Nuts, ya?
(Back to normal WAKKA)
WAKKA
I joined the Aurochs when I was thirteen, ten years ago. . . Ten years, and we never came close to winning a game.
(TIDUS, who has been quiet up to this point, turns and gasps suddenly; clutching his heart)
TIDUS
L-l-loosers! (falls over)
(Another trip to the emergency room later. . .)
WAKKA
Well, we just ain't that good, ya? But I'm sure you're gonna make our team win!
GOD OF PLOT DEVICES
(reading its to-do list) Introduce love interest, make a few more convoluted assumptions about this world, fully annoy the players, make sure that the addition of Tidus to the Aurochs makes them the winningest team this side of Detroit.
WAKKA
But the fans were starting to get a little angry, so I quit. Time seemed right, ya?
TIDUS
(snorts) Ya think?
WAKKA
I got me a few new jobs; worked in a butcher's, joined the Crusaders. . . Even tried being a warrior monk for a while. None of them worked out cause I just couldn't stop thinking about the game. . .
TIDUS
Well, if your team is gonna suck that much. . .
WAKKA
So I started playing again! But in my first match last year. . . Well, I had other things on my mind. . .
TIDUS
(snorts and mutters something about "Loser" as they walk) So you want to actually win something, right?
WAKKA
I guess. . . I mean, ten years without a win kinda makes you settle for anything that isn't a ten-nil thrashing, ya?
TIDUS
. . . No wonder you lost all the time. You want to win, damnit! WIN!
(TIDUS grabs WAKKA by the shoulders and starts to SHAKE him)
TIDUS
(somewhat insanely) WINWINWINWINWINWINWINWIN!!
WAKKA
(eyes bug) O-okay, brudda. We gonna win.
TIDUS
(drops WAKKA) Alright then.
(The two move on, quickly coming across your typical CANNON FODDER NPCs)
CANNON FODDER NPC #1
Ah! The one from the sea!
CANNON FODDER NPC #2
Good god; they weren't lying. It really is that ugly.
CANNON FODDER NPC #1
Maybe we shouldn't tell them that there are fiends on the road today.
(WAKKA and TIDUS look around. They haven't seen anything vaguely RESEMBLING a fiend)
CANNON FODDER NPC #2
How in heck did it survive a run-in with Sin?
(The two move off, leaving TIDUS to frown slightly)
TIDUS
Who the heck?
WAKKA
Luzzu and Gatta; Crusader NPCs who're gonna be following us for a while, ya?
TIDUS
. . .Oh.
(He SHRUGS and they continue on. Finally, they reach the village)
WAKKA
Besaid village. Nicest place on the entire planet.
(All the easily aesthetically pleased players IMMEDIATELY want to MOVE there)
TIDUS
I hate to make it seem like I have a one track mind, but where's my dinner?!
WAKKA
'Ey! I have to cook it first, ya? Look, why don't you go and visit the Crusader lodge? Even though Luzzu and Gatta were walking in the opposite direction to us and we haven't seen them since, I bet they'll be in there.
GOD OF PLOT DEVICES
(cackles evilly)
WAKKA
It's over yonder.
TIDUS
(stares) Yonder?!
WAKKA
. . . What? Look, do you remember the prayer?
TIDUS
(obviously doesn't) I've never prayed before in my life. I'm a heathen (grins proudly)
WAKKA
(hits forehead with one hand) You really are dumb, ya?
(Coming from WAKKA this is an incredible INSULT)
WAKKA
Look. (does the STUPID HAND THING that the players will be subjected to COUNTLESS times throughout the course of the game) Now you try.
(TIDUS does so, earning another hearty slap on the back from WAKKA)
WAKKA
Good! I'll catch up with you later.
(TIDUS is left to his own devices, and after vandalising a few houses, he decides to visit the Crusaders)
LUZZU
Ah! It's him again!
GATTA
Hm. You were recently attacked by Sin. Is it nearby? Tell me!
TIDUS
Er. . . No?
GATTA
Thank god. Luzzu and I are the only Crusaders here, and I wouldn't trust either of us to protect ourselves, let alone a village.
TIDUS
Oh. (pauses for a good few moments) Who the heck are you guys?
GATTA
(sighs) I knew this would happen.
LUZZU
What is it, sir?
GATTA
Plot point. Explain what we do, Luzzu.
LUZZU
(like your typical over-enthusiastic soldier) Yes, sir! The Crusaders are sworn to battle Sin. Despite the fact that there are probably thousands of us dotted around the world, we still haven't managed to do a god-damned thing in eight hundred years, and are still picked on by the warrior monks whenever they're in town. However, no-one can beat us when it comes to being nameless cannon fodder NPCs that the player may vaguely care about and you can bet your life that either Gatta or myself is going to die before long.
GATTA
(stares at Luzzu for a moment, before shrugging) Eh, he's right.
TIDUS
So basically, you guys just stand around and die whenever Sin appears?
GATTA
Indeed.
TIDUS
. . . Riiiiight.
(He quickly runs out of the lodge and heads for the next largest building in the village; the temple. It's dark inside, and somehow TIDUS manages to trip over the FIFTY FOOT TALL statue stood to one side)
TIDUS
Oops. . .
PRIEST
(sounding a little. . . demented, as all Yevon Priests do) Even though Lord Braska wasn't originally from Besaid, we still demanded a statue! Ten years it took them; ten! I could have become High Summoner in the time it took them to build our statue!
TIDUS
High. . . what?
PRIEST
(sighs) For anyone who's never played a Final Fantasy game before; Summoners are people who call forth the token big monster thingys, or Aeons as they're named in this game.
TIDUS
Lemme guess; the High Summoner is the one with the doped out expression on their face and an inexplicable craving for munchies?
(He grins stupidly, expecting praise for his joke. The PRIEST HITS him)
PRIEST
Shut up and get out of my temple.
(TIDUS does so, heading back to WAKKA's hut. He does a double take as he walks in; WAKKA is stood over the stove wearing a FLOWERY APRON and humming MERRILY to himself)
WAKKA
Ah! You're uh. . . back? (gestures to apron) I only wear this to er. . . keep my Blitzing uniform clean, ya? Er. . . ya?
TIDUS
(disturbed)
WAKKA
(sighs) Eh, just go to sleep, man. You look bushed.
TIDUS
But I. . .
PHI
(appears and WHACKS TIDUS across the head with a STEEL PIPE) Do as you're told.
TIDUS
Lookit at all da birdiesh! (falls over)
