Author note:Whee. Part three. It took a while cause I've had major life issues recently and haven't had much time for writing. I apologise for keeping you all waiting.

This does kinda tail off at the end, which sucks, but still. ^_^;;

I don't own them, please don't sue.

Enjoy, ne? Cookies for reviewers, life-threatening spoons for everyone else.

. .
(We leave TIDUS' point of view for a moment and moves to WAKKA's. Some of the players are relieved)

GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS
Well thank god. No more watching weirdass dreams.

(A PRIEST walks into the hut; spies WAKKA wearing the apron and TIDUS lay flat out on the bed)

PRIEST
Oh, by the Aeons. What have we told you about kidnapping innocent passers by and. . . (looks disgusted) "Having your way" with them?

WAKKA
(sweatdrops) Nah, nah. It's not like dat dis time. I promise!

PRIEST
(takes a big step away) Whatever you say. But you could at least go and see how they're doing.

WAKKA
(perplexed) They?

PRIEST
You know.

WAKKA
(scratches head) You could at least give me a clue, ya?

PRIEST
(bops WAKKA on the head) You-Know-Who!

GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS
Since when did this turn into a Harry Potter crossover?

(Half the GENERIC VETERAN FF PLAYERS leave. The REST hang around to see if there's going to be any TIDUS/HARRY slash)

WAKKA
(realisation) Oh. (shrugs) Well, we can't interfere, ya? It's a rule and all.

PRIEST
(snorts) Since when have you all paid attention to the rules? But it's. . . Been nearly a day already. . .

(Much to our chagrin, we are dragged back into TIDUS' point of view. And guess what; he's having another weirdass dream)

REST OF THE GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS
Ah, damnit.

(There's something about a WOMAN and a GUY and BRATTY CHILD TIDUS being generally BRATTY. At this point, MOST of the PLAYERS don't CARE, so in order to appease them, the AUTHOR cuts it short)

PHI
It's not really that important anyway. Er. . . Is it? (shrugs)

TIDUS
(wakes up suddenly) No more foreshadowing, for the love of GOD! (spies WAKKA staring blankly at him) Er. . . hi?

WAKKA
. . .Come on.

(WAKKA leads TIDUS to the TEMPLE)

TIDUS
(on the lookout for the PRIEST) Er. . . I might not be too welcome here. . .

WAKKA
(not listening) It's been a day already. . . The summoner hasn't returned from the trial yet. . .

TIDUS
Aw, man. Not all that crap about summoners and Ay-ons and Crews-aydahs again.

(The two look up as they hear a snicker from the AUTHOR who thinks it's funny to make TIDUS mispronounce everything)

WAKKA
(thinks TIDUS cares) Beyond that room –

TIDUS
What, over yonder? (sniggers)

WAKKA
-- is the Cloister of Trials. If an apprentice summoner can get through and pray to the Fayth at the end, then maybe she'll become a fully fledged summoner, ya?

TIDUS
(ears prick up) She? (thinks) Well, now Rikku's out of the picture, maybe it's time for me to move on. . . (out loud) Is it dangerous in there?

WAKKA
Er. . . Sometimes?

(Anyone who's played this game before will have been through all the Cloister of Trials and will know that they're NOWHERE near dangerous. Well, not unless you have a severe ALLERGY towards SPHERES)

TIDUS
Well, I'm going to be characteristically spontaneous now and get us both into trouble.

WAKKA
T-trouble? It's forbidden, damnit!

PRIEST
(notices TIDUS dragging WAKKA towards the entrance to the TRIALS) Hey! What about the precepts?

TIDUS
(points at something over the PRIEST's shoulder) Look! A monkey!

PRIEST
A what? (looks)

TIDUS
(cackles) Sucker! (disappears into the TRIALS with WAKKA)

(We now get to sit through the LEAST interesting side quest since someone decided that collecting pieces of a vase was a good idea. And the good news? We have at least FIVE more of these to sit through)

TIDUS
This is even boring me, and I'm easily amus – Look! A squirrel!

(TIDUS runs towards the squirrel only he can see, leaving WAKKA to raise an eyebrow)

WAKKA
Lu's gonna kill me. . . Or him. Actually, she'll probably kill us both. . . (shrug) Oh well. Might as well get it over with, ya?

(They finally reach a lift that will take them down to the prayer room)

TIDUS
Man; I hope this is the only time we have to do this.

WAKKA
(sweatdrops again) Well, uh, actually. . . Summoners go on a pilgrimage to find lots of Aeons from all the temples across Spira. Guardians protect them. Naturally, due to the linear nature of the plot, you're going to become a Guardian and so you'll have to do this a bunch of times.

TIDUS
What about you?

WAKKA
I'm a Guardian too.

GOD OF PLOT DEVICES
I wonder if that was too predictable. . . (shrug) Nah.

(They reach the prayer room, where two other GUARDIANS are waiting. TIDUS emerges from the lift and GAPES at one of them)

TIDUS
(nosebleed) Y-you can s-see her u-u-underwear! (faints)

WAKKA
. . . . (waves slightly nervously) Hi, Lulu.

LULU
(eyeing the twitching, nosebleeding lump of TIDUS on the floor) What have you done this time, Wakka?

WAKKA
He jus'. . . appeared, ya?

LULU
(dryly) Of course.

KIMAHRI
Kimahri no like smell of stranger. Kimahri eat.

(There is a sudden FLASH)

HIGH PRICED LAWYER
Oh no you don't.

KIMAHRI
But Kimahri hungry.

HIGH PRICED LAWYER
(hands over a basket of cookies) Here. Just leave blonde boy alone.

(KIMAHRI pouts, but no-one can tell because his expression NEVER changes)

LULU
Who even is he?

(TIDUS pulls himself to his feet just in time to see the door of the prayer room open. He's soon back on the floor in a fanboy faint as a pretty girl comes out)

TIDUS
I'm in h-heaven! (faints)

(The summoner looks up to see where the thud has come from, but trips over the hem of her skirt and starts to fall down the stairs)

KIMAHRI
(not paying attention) Cookies tasty. Not as tasty as stranger, but Kimahri like.

(Crash. The summoner hits the floor)

LULU
Yuna!

YUNA
(dazed for a second, but giggles stupidly) I did it! I've become a summoner, just like Daddy!

(EVERYONE hits their foreheads with one hand)

LULU
This is going to be one insanely long pilgrimage. . .

(After picking both TIDUS – who continues to get weak in the knees whenever he sees a female – and YUNA – who can't stop giggling – off the floor, the party leaves the TRIALS and head into the square outside the temple)

TIDUS
(V. O., staring at YUNA) You can see her underwear too! (giggles)

WAKKA
Stop that. (grabs TIDUS and holds him in a bear hug)

TIDUS
(whiny) But I want the pretty girl! This isn't a slash fic!

WAKKA
Aw, damn. . . But, take a look at this!

TIDUS
(worried) I don't want to see what's under your apron.

LULU
(glares) Shut up and watch.

(YUNA – who has finally stopped giggling like an idiot – begins to dance. Unfortunately, most of the VILLAGERS are in fairly close proximity and most of them get a staff swipe to the face. Thankfully, most intentions to sue are halted when there is a crack from somewhere above them)

VILLAGER #1
The sky's falling! It's the end of the world!

VILLAGER #2
(dryly) Jeez. If anyone even sneezes around you, you think it's the end of the world.

VILLAGER #1
But. . . the germs!

(Everyone looks up and watches as VALEFOR appears, swooping down and landing next to YUNA. Well, I say landing. CRASHING is perhaps a more apt term)

VALEFOR
Waaaagh! Where are the brakes!

(Any VILLAGERS that managed to avoid YUNA's staff promptly get taken out by VALEFOR as he slides into them)

YUNA
Oops. (giggle)

VALEFOR
Er. . . Sue me and I'll eat you. (sweatdrops)

TIDUS
(V.O.) I had never seen anything like it in my life. I've never seen anything quite so terrifying. Well, except that time Auron got really drunk and decided that my mom's wardrobe was a great --

AURON
(V.O.; dangerous) Continue that sentence and I assure you won't reach the end of it. . .

TIDUS
(V.O.) Er. . . (gulps)

(The sound of sirens wails in the background)

VALEFOR
(eyes bug) The Feds are onto me! And just when I agreed to hold some special stuff for Bahamut. . . (panicky) Aw, man. . . I'd better fly.

(VALEFOR turns and takes off. The group of VILLAGERS that just managed to pull themselves to their feet are FLOORED again by the gust of wind)

YUNA
(giggly, looking at the fallen villagers) Did I do that? Oopsie.

TIDUS
(V. O.) I remember, that night we talked for the first time. I didn't know it then, but after that night everything changed. . .

(For some bizarre reason, the camera cuts to show TIDUS staring dreamily after LULU while YUNA stands in the opposite direction)

PHI
(appears) Er. . . That's not supposed to happen. . .

TIDUS
(stupidly) Mmm. . . Skirt that defies all common sense. . .

LULU
(glares) Don't even think about it, blonde boy.

GOD OF PLOT DEVICES
Hm. (hangs a sign around YUNA's neck that reads; "LOVE INTEREST") That should do it.

TIDUS
(still staring at LULU) Mmm. . . you can see her underwear. . .

GOD OF PLOT DEVICES
. . . .Alright then. (scribbles something extra on the sign)

TIDUS
(eyes sign and reads out loud) "Love interest. Pay attention to me and I'll make sure you get hot, hot Blitzball action"? Whoo!

GOD OF PLOT DEVICES
(smug)

PHI
Psh. We'll see how long that lasts.

(The rest of the AUROCHS walk on, led by WAKKA. The captain must have thought there was some kind of FANCY DRESS party going on, as he's wearing his most GARISH blitzball uniform. The rest of the team are having to SHIELD their EYES as they follow him)

WAKKA
Here he is! The guy that begged me to get into the tournament. I mean, he begged so much that I just had to give in eventually. . .

TIDUS
Stop using the word "begged" like that. . .

WAKKA
What? You did!

TIDUS
Actually, you begged me, but that's not the issue here. Hi, guys.

(The AUROCHS wave yet do not speak)

TIDUS
(frowns) Aw, c'mon. You guys are vaguely important; you even turn into semi-playable characters later on. And you don't have voices?

LETTY
(shakes head sadly)

TIDUS
(clenches fist) This is an injustice! (turns to sky and shakes fist at what he hopes is the author) GIVE THEM VOICES, OR I QUIT, DAMNIT!

PHI
. . . .Is that a promise?

TIDUS
(glares)

PHI
You don't frighten me; there are plenty of generic Final Fantasy lead characters that are willing to take your place. . .

(The AUTHOR gestures to a long line of "extras" that are hanging around)

YUFFIE
I need a new agent. . .

LOCKE
(praying) Please give me the job, pleasepleaseplease! Celes will kill me if I don't start bringing some legal cash home. . .

CLOUD
. . . .

SQUALL
. . . .

ZIDANE
Make them say something. Please make them say something. I can't stand another hour of watching them try to out ". . . ." each other.

(ZIDANE goes MAD. FFIX fans are not happy. The AUTHOR is)

PHI
One down, one less to go. (cackles)

TIDUS
(takes a big step away and collides with something behind him) Woah!

(Thud)

YUNA
(from floor) Oh (giggles) It's alright. I er. . . do this a lot.

(She BLUSHES. TIDUS STARES at her like a lovestruck IDIOT)

TIDUS
. . . .Purty. . .

YUNA
(giggles some more) Hi there. I'm Yuna. Thanks you so much for your help earlier.

(The VILLAGERS stood around YUNA exchange glances but fail to mention that TIDUS didn't actually do anything earlier)

TIDUS
Aw; n-no problem! (thinking) Aw, man! This world is totally sweet. Two totally hot chicks who show their underwear in the same place!

PART OF TIDUS' BRAIN THAT REMEMBERS STUFF
What about Rikku?

TIDUS
(thinking) Who?

PART OF TIDUS' BRAIN THAT REMEMBERS STUFF
(sighs) Never mind. . .

YUNA
Tomorrow then?

TIDUS
(confused) Shh-wha?

YUNA
We're going on the same boat.

TIDUS
(thinks for a moment) Every time I get on a boat, something bad happens. . . (looks up at YUNA and then over towards LULU) . . .But how can anything go wrong this time? (nods) Yeah, we are.

YUNA
We can talk more --

LULU
(snidely, passing by) As if a conversation between you two could get more intelligent than one of you giggling and the other one. . . well, giggling.

YUNA
-- then. You can tell me all about Zanarkand!

(YUNA walks off, leaving TIDUS to IGNORE that she's the ONLY person so far to mention the word ZANARKAND and not look at him as if he's gone completely INSANE. He strolls over to WAKKA, looking most pleased with himself)

TIDUS
(singing to himself) There are only two ladies for whom I care, and the bestest thing is they show their underweee-ear. . .

WAKKA
(glaring) So uh. . .she's cute, ya?

TIDUS
(not caring who WAKKA is talking about anymore) Ya.

WAKKA
(glares some more) Don't get no ideas. She's a summoner; she don't wanna be with the likes of you.

TIDUS
(suspiciously) . . .Are you jealous?

WAKKA
(worryingly) Er. . .

TIDUS
(eyes widen and he edges away from WAKKA) I er. . . am gonna go to bed now.

WAKKA
I'll --

TIDUS
(cuts in hurriedly) Don't follow me.

(TIDUS exits quickly, leaving WAKKA to scowl)

WAKKA
. . .Dang. . .

(We move to TIDUS' point of view, watching him SCRATCH his BUTT before getting into bed)

TIDUS
(sleepily) Mmm. . . Purty girls. . . (eyes close)

(He falls asleep. By now, EVERYONE playing knows what THIS MEANS)

GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS
(tape the X button down) Time for a toilet break.

(TIDUS finds himself on a PIER with YUNA, overlooking a beautiful ocean)

TIDUS
(giggles) Underwear!

YUNA
(slightly naughtily) Everyone will find us if we don't hurry.

(TIDUS' eyebrow arches)

TIDUS
Ooh!

(He makes a LEAP for YUNA, only to have someone grab him by his BRACES)

TIDUS
Oof!

RIKKU
You said you were gonna take me to Zanarkand, you Blitzball-playing jerk!

TIDUS
Wuh-oh. . . (scratches his head as ALL FF males do when they're in TROUBLE)

(There is a sudden SCREECH from off-screen)

WAKKA
Wait for meeeee, ya?

(The other BLITZER appears, rugby-tackling TIDUS to the floor)

WAKKA
You're taking me to Zanarkand too, right?

TIDUS
(struggling to breathe) N. . . N. . .

JECHT
(appears from nowhere and raises an eyebrow at the struggling TIDUS, still caught underneath a squealing WAKKA) I always knew you were. . . weird, boy. That's why you never had a girlfriend! Har.

TIDUS
Argh. (pushes WAKKA off him and screams) I HATE YOU!!

JECHT
What's that? Can't hear you.

(We find this ODD because people the OTHER SIDE of Spira could have probably heard TIDUS shout)

TIDUS
I hate you, damnit!

(TIDUS wakes suddenly, leaping for the nearest inanimate object – WAKKA's favourite teddy bear, FLUFFY – and starts to STRANGLE it)

TIDUS
(frenzied) IhatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehateHATE you!

KEFKA
(appearing from nowhere and glaring) Gah! Line stealer! (mutters and stalks off to BURN stuff)

LULU
He's dead, Wakka. Get over it.

(we move to the door of the hut, and watch as LULU and WAKKA er. . . talk. Though by the look of things, LULU is snarling and WAKKA is meekly trying not to get hurt)

LULU
Sure, the new boy does look a lot like Chappu. . . Well, except for the hair and the general expression of stupidity. But that's no excuse. You should have dumped him in the ocean and let some other poor sap deal with him.

WAKKA
B-but. . .

LULU
No buts. That's enough, Wakka.

(She stalks off. GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS are impressed)

GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS
Woah. She is a dominatrix.

(The GENERIC VETERAN FF FAN FIC WRITERS run off to stereotype LULU)

TIDUS
(blinks as WAKKA approaches) Is she like that all the time, or is it just that time of the month? And who's Chappu?

WAKKA
(wisely avoiding the first question in case LULU is still in earshot) Chappu was my little brother. He kinda looks like you.

(Those who have played before will know that CHAPPU doesn't really look anything like TIDUS)

GOD OF PLOT DEVICES
I'm not going to let a silly thing like real facts get in my way.

WAKKA
He joined the Crusaders and died fighting Sin last year. I heard on the first day of the tourney.

TIDUS
Oh. That explains why you lost last year.

WAKKA
Not really. Our team just plain sucks. Well, when I heard, I quit the game and became a Guardian.

TIDUS
Revenge? You want to try and stop a zillion tonne monster that refuses to die?

WAKKA
Ya. That was the idea. But now I'm more worried about a stupid game and trying to convince you that girls are fo – (he STOPS himself just in time and BLUSHES) Well, anyway. I know it kinda looks like I'm using you, but I'm not.

TIDUS
(has edged away slightly) You? Use me? In your dreams, man. (laughs nervously)

WAKKA
(sadly) I know. . .

TIDUS
(eyes widen)

(We CUT to the following morning. TIDUS – who has been sleeping huddled up in a frightened ball in WAKKA's hut – wakes up and wanders AIMLESSLY into the main clearing of the village)

WAKKA
(appearing from nowhere and frightening the CRAP out of TIDUS) Hey! Sleepyhead! C'mere, I want to give you something.

(TIDUS looks suitably TERRIFIED)

WAKKA
(reaches into his TROUSERS)

TIDUS
(whimpers)

WAKKA
(produces a SWORD from apparently nowhere) Here. I want you to have this, ya?

TIDUS
(gingerly opens one eye) Ooh! A sword?

LULU
(sarcastic) Full marks for deduction, you blonde idiot. Besides, that was Chappu's sword.

WAKKA
Well, he is kinda dead and can't really use it y'know, Lu.

LULU
(glare)

WAKKA
(hasn't noticed the DEATH STARE LULU is giving) I mean, it'd be kinda silly for a dead guy to have a sword, what with him being dead and a --

(He gets no further as he BURSTS into FLAMES)

LULU
(cackles evilly) Now, where's Yuna got to?

TIDUS
Why are we waiting for her here?

LULU
Something to do with her being like a little sister to us, even though we're blatantly putting her in danger by allowing her to go through with this Pilgrimage.

TIDUS
What?

LULU
(shifty eyes) Er. . . nothing.

(There is a THUD off-screen, announcing the arrival of YUNA)

YUNA
(pulling bits of TWIG out of her hair) Oopsie.

LULU
(eyeing the heavy suitcase YUNA is lugging around with her) You really don't need that.

YUNA
This? This is just my carry-around stuff. The real luggage is back there.

(TIDUS glances around YUNA's form and SWEATDROPS as he sees the MILLION large and ungainly suitcases stacked up around the Temple. Two PRIESTS have FAINTED from the exertion of getting the luggage this far, and two more have COLLAPSED onto the ground, PANTING and THANKING Yevon for their punishment)

TIDUS
Holy crap.

LULU
(dangerously) You don't need any of that, Yuna.

YUNA
(ditzily) But, how will I make myself look so pretty?

LULU
You. Don't. Need. Any. Of. It.

YUNA
(catches on) Oh. (giggles stupidly) Maybe you're right.

(YUNA motions to one of the PRIESTS who DRAGS himself towards her)

PRIEST
Yes m'lady Summoner?

YUNA
Can you take all this stuff back inside? (giggles cutely) It's too heavy for a girl like me.

(She turns away just in time to avoid the PRIEST taking a SWING at her)

YUNA
Let's go!

(The PARTY walks for a few minutes, YUNA walking in front with LULU and WAKKA slightly behind her. TIDUS follows them all, taking turns to look at each girl and GIGGLE like an IDIOT)

TIDUS
Underwear!

(They reach the top of the CLIFF overlooking the village. EVERYONE except TIDUS stops, causing the Blitzer to walk into WAKKA's back)

TIDUS
(leaping away before WAKKA can say anything) Why've we stopped?

WAKKA
We have to pray, ya?

TIDUS
Pr, what?

WAKKA
(sadly) Chappu didn't pray. Thought he would miss his boat.

TIDUS
. . .Are you going to say anything today that doesn't revolve around your dead brother?

WAKKA
(opens mouth, a slightly cheeky look in his eye)

TIDUS
. . .Or hitting on me?

WAKKA
(shakes head sadly)

YUNA
(looks like she's praying but is actually just STARING into SPACE)

LULU
Are we ready?

YUNA
(blinks herself back to reality and giggles some more) Oh, sure.

(They continue on, in the same formation as before. Suddenly. . .)

KIMAHRI
Tasty stranger!

(TIDUS is rugby tackled to the floor by a bundle of blue fur)

LULU
Kimahri. . . What did we tell you about attacking visitors?

WAKKA
Ya, do you really want us to neuter you?

(KIMAHRI's eyes widen and he leaps off TIDUS, protecting his er. . . Ronsohood as he runs off)

KIMAHRI
Bad man never take Kimahri's wee-wee!

TIDUS
(lying on the floor, SHAKING with fear)

PHI
(appears) Oh yeah. I forgot he was habitually terrified of dogs and cats and other animals. Hah! (points, laughs and disappears)

LULU
(glares) Wakka?

WAKKA
Ya?

LULU
Carry him.

WAKKA
(gleefully) Whoo-hoo!

(Finally, the PARTY reaches the PORT. There are lots of CUTE little kids whose EXPRESSIONS do not change, even though they're supposed to be CRYING. YUNA waves to them all, lapping up their ADORATION)

VILLAGER #1
(quietly to VILLAGER #2) By Yevon, I'm glad she's going.

VILLAGER #2
Me too. Ugh. The amount of times we've had to rebuild statues because she's knocked them over is unreal.

VILLAGER #1
All she does is eat and giggle.

YUNA
I love you all!

LULU
Get on the boat already.

(Within moments, the boat sets sail, YUNA still WAVING even when you can't see the villagers anymore)

WAKKA
(eyeing the summoner) Er. . . Should we stop her?

LULU
. . .No. . .